About Your Pride and My Prejudice

Chapter 12: The Gap Between You and Me

So thats what happened.

Stirring a large pot with a ladle, Mrs. Kearney muttered. I was sitting at the table wiping a few silverwares with a cloth.

I cant believe Alan Leopold asked you for a dance. Thats a big deal.

I told you, Mrs. Kerney. It wasnt from the heart..

I murmured with swollen eyes.

When I burst into tears in my bewildered mothers arms, I thought there were no more tears left to shed, but when I woke up in the morning, my pillowcase was damp. It was amazing that I didnt faint from dehydration.

Then Mrs. Kearney turned around and looked at me with her hands on her waist.

Melissa, hes not your lover. Isnt it natural that it wasnt sincere?

..Thats true, but.

Hes maybe a person who was even  knighted by the royal family. But no matter how great his family is, isnt he just a teenager? So what if he has a handsome face?

Madame was clearly speaking in a gentle tone. She didnt say anything wrong. But somehow my heart was stuffy.

Isnt it a pleasant experience that a person who can be called everyones lover requested a dance? It will always be a topic of discussion.

After the dance, I drew so much attention. Women even came and insulted me, maam.

Without realizing it, a very suppressed voice came out. There is no end to human greed. When we danced, it was definitely ecstatic like a dream, but seeing Alan turning around coldly, I resented him for giving me the chance to dance.

He rescued me from hell, and when I reached the highest and most splendid heights of heaven, he pushed my back. The hell where I was  thrown, was upside down, and was much harsher than when I first set foot there.

Alan couldnt have hoped that I would shed painful tears. Precisely, theres no way he would have hoped for anything in particular. I have no value to him. Im not stupid enough to not even know that much.

Melissa, you know its just envy because you had a good time. Theres nothing to care about because they are just jealous of you.

But madam, it was so miserable. Ive never been ashamed of my dress and gloves because theyre a little worn out..

.

After following him and peeping into heaven, I became ashamed of everything..

Alan made me know my position and the gap between him and me in the most miserable way. Could it be that the first human being who ate the forbidden fruit and came to know the hidden truth of things and the evil in the world had this kind of feeling?

Madam came and sat next to me before. A rough but warm hand was placed on my shoulder.

Things that are only gorgeous at apparence lack substance, what they have inside are not worthy of you, Mel. They wont know how delicate and shiny your soul is.

Thank you for your words, madam. But.

Clatter, I let go of the silverware, Mrs. Kearney held my trembling hand tightly. Wouldnt it be okay to tell her everything now?

The worst thing isis that he took my letter.

Letter? Did you write a letter to him? Do you have feelings for Sir Alan?

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Ah, this..As I met the madams wide-open eyes, I hurriedly pretended like nothing happened.

Its not like that, its just He inspired me to write a poem.

Yes, since you bought a new poetry book, there must have been a lot of new ideas.

But You may not believe it, but I took it to the theatre yesterday without realizing it. Its been a while since I wrote it, and I didnt mean to deliver it..

As if to keep talking, madam  set down with an all knowing face. When telling a deep story, the madam seems to be a good opponent because she has more leeway than my mother.

It got into his hand. His name was written on the envelopes surface, and I know Im the one who dropped it.

As I spoke, I felt hopeless that I had no choice but to bury my head in both hands.

At that time, I heard Madame Kerneys friendly voice,

He got a poem for himself as a gift, right? Anyone would be happy with such a great gift.

It wasnt very comforting.

What I wrote is a poem, but Im sure he thinks its a love letter..

What? What is it about? Tell me.

I dont remember exactly either. I sealed it as soon as I wrote it. But Im sure.

Because I wrote a love letter to him as a poem.

I love Alan Leopold, madam.

But I dont know anymore. Hes hurting me so much. Maybe the days when I peekee at him over my shoulder were actually happier

Its okay, Mel. I have a feeling he will like your poems.

That comfort doesnt mean anything, madam. Hell despise me. You should have seen how he looked when he asked me for a dance.

Melissa

Mrs. Kerney looked at me pitifully. Youve already found out that I have a crush on Alan.

Then, I pray that Sir Alan will never read your letter.

.

He might not have read it yet, right? Because there wont be one or two women who hand him letters. If I were young, I might have written a letter to him.

The madams words made sense.

The problem was me. Just imagining his icy gaze reading down the words one by one gives me goosebumps all over my body. To the point where I was anxious enough that Id rather die.

Nevertheless, if I think that Alan doesnt read my letter and throws it away I feel like my heart is breaking. It feels like I want to cling onto him while crying and begging for him to not do such a cruel thing.

Whats wrong with me? In front of love, I am so helpless that I fall apart.

Alan Leopold, do you also have a soft face when you think of your beloved?

My head was blank and dizzy as if I had been trapped in a thick smoke. I needed oxygen.

At that time, I naturally thought of Tobias Miller.

Then he could heal me. He is not insensitive enough to trample on my heart at will. There is no way he would judge my soft heart with a cynical gaze.

Of course, Toby was not comparable to the sun. So, he wont be able to completely melt my frozen heart because of Alan.

But he is definitely a gentle spring sun. So at least he will be able to reap the hazy cold energy that lingers in me.

When the cold is gone, a drop or two of my anxiety will melt from the frozen surface. He will comfort me with his gentle smile as always, and he will be happy to lend me his shoulder so that I can rest.

* * *

The weather turned quite cold.  Mother, Mrs. Kerney and Julia all spoke out saying that when they compare to the fall of the previous year, this is just like winter.

Is it because my heart is frozen? I didnt even know it was that cold.  But I wasnt sure that Tobias would be like me, so I sat down at an indoor table rather than the terrace.

The interior of the Antris coffee shop was warm. Perhaps thanks to the interior, it felt more cozy. People were leisurely sipping tea or alcohol making moderate noise.

I was the only one who didnt feel comfortable here. The moment I wondered if I might look like a paranoid person, looking around over and over again to see if the red-haired man was standing around secretly, someone called me.

Excuse me

It wasnt Tobias because it was a female voice. I looked back in surprise.

Ms. Melissa Collins, right?

The two women were looking down at me with elegant faces. The person who talked to me was the daughter of Mr. Farrington, one of Florins wealthy men.

You danced with Sir Alan at the last victory ball.

Ah Yes.

I had forgotten that I was no longer a socially invisible person.  Of course, this sudden popularity was not welcomed.  I swear I never asked for something like this.

At least its fortunate that they are not as aggressive as the women who picked a fight with me at the ball.

If you dont mind, can I ask what kind of relationship milady and sir Leopold have?

Of course, on the lords side.[1]

The woman next to me urged me to add, but I hesitated to answer. It would be more accurate to say that I have nothing to answer.

Nevertheless, it was strange that the current situation made me feel subtle pride. I cant believe the noble upper-class girls are wondering with an anxious face what kind of secret words and glances were exchanged between me and Alan.

If its hard to answer, just tell me youre not in a relationship with him.

.

Because I love him.

Miss Farringtons lips were trembling. It was pitiful, but I wasnt shaken. Youre not the only one who is biting your lips while thinking of Alan.

Isnt he everyones lover? Because of that, the reason for heartache is the same for the brown-haired lady in rags and the noble young love of wealthy people.

It was when I was staring blankly at the womans expensive-looking headdress with that thought,

Miss Melissa.

I heard a gentle voice calling me.

Toby!

These people

In his dark green frock coat, he looked just like a large plant. His cheeks were red, perhaps because it was very cold outside.

Are you meeting acquaintances today?

No, its not. I think they have something to ask me..

I wasnt in a position to introduce Toby because I didnt even know her name, let alone being an acquaintance of them. Seeing him standing awkwardly, I felt that I should send the two women back only then.

Sir Alan and I have nothing to do with each other. That day was accidental.

Accidental?

What do you mean by accident.

Toby and Miss Farrington replied back to me at the same time.

Miss Collins, please tell me in detail. If you really dont have anything to do with him. Its important to me.

Im sorry, but I have nothing more to say, Miss Farrington, he doesnt even know my name. Can it be explained with this?

But how could he.

You wont have anything to worry about. I have a lot to talk about with my friend, so Id appreciate it if you could leave.

Miss Farrington and the woman next to her exchanged glances silently and then turned with a quiet bow.

Tobias, whose shoulders were shaking as if trying to warm his body up, sat in front of me with a gentle smile.

Melissa, I think you changed a little and there is a new atmosphere.

What? Me?

I blinked because I didnt know what he was thinking, whether I really looked different or if it was just a light greeting. I suddenly thought that I still lacked a lot of knowledge of this man.

At that time, Toby smiled broadly,

I think its true that you have a lot of things you want to say.

***

[1] She means a relationship that is been acknowledged by Alans side too, since many girls have delusional relationship with him lol just like the other girl

Comments from Korean readers:

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Female lead seems to have so low self-esteem and a mental trauma to herself, even an extreme crush. Its a state of psychology that makes you crazy and unstable.

I love the small daily conversations and short letters in this novel.I really like them. Honestly, even if I were Namjoo, I would like Melissa shes so lovely..

Toby So sweet.

Toby is the real one.

On the other hand, I thought the writer is so good at expressing the confusion of not wanting to love herself and loving hi. or who else. Shes jealous even though upset that these feelings may be frustrating and incomprehensible. I hope everyone with this heart, including the female character, will be happy. Thank you for the good writing, writer.