Autopsy of a Mind

Chapter 4: No Sympathy

The thing about living alone is that you think you have the freedom to come and go as you please, but like every other person on the planet, the institutions you bound yourself in keeps you restrained and trained to follow a certain norm. The same applied to me as wellwhen I was not studying for my classes, I could be busy taking up freelance work of translating academic articles and attending conferences to help with spontaneous translations. It all began during my second year of college when an international student from the engineering department couldn't keep up with her classes because of how difficult it was for her to interpret technical terms during class. She approached me as one of her friends was from my department, knowing I spoke her language fluently. I started translating her lectures for her and her appreciation meant that more people approached me with such tasks. Eventually, some of the professors and research scholars asked me to translate academic research papers and conference lectures.

Lack of sleep was never an issue for me, so I always had time to take on more work without having to think about burning myself out or getting sick. Therefore, despite being an orphan, I didn't need help from distant relatives to pay for tuition or live in hardship. I suppose, hardships can help us survive in the long run, even though it might not be in the way that we had thought of before.

"Evie!" I heard the Head of the Department call. "Professor Singh from the Department of Criminology asked me if you were free during Thanksgiving."

"I think so, but it depends on what kind of help is needed." I really wanted to get out of town and rent a cabin somewhere to rest.

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"Yes, he has to present at a conference in Seoul. The organizers didn't mention an interpreter and the primary language of communication is not English. He asked me if you could accompany him to the conference so that he would be more comfortable."

After questioning her further, I realized that I would be missing out on quite a few days of class if I were to take up the assignment.

"Professor, it will be difficult to book me in the same hotel that the organizers booked for Professor Singh. Commuting would be difficult and I would miss out on a few days of classes, too. I am not sure if I want to take on the task." I paused for a bit, trying to act apprehensive. "It would be wonderful if you could discuss my problems with me and let me know what he thinks. Also, I could help him find another interpreter if he wants."

It might seem shameless to hint at such demands, but I had earned it through years of hard work. I had a reputation of completing every job assigned to me impeccably and on time, and I was sought after because of it. Days spent in the library, or carrying dictionaries around had made me feel entitled to such luxuries.

"Of course, I will let him know. I am pretty sure that he would have taken care of these matters anyway, but I will confirm with him for your peace of mind."

Her smile was brilliant and she knew exactly what I was doing. I didn't want to hide my intentions so I was comfortable with her preferential behavior.

At the end of the day, neither my background nor my current living condition helped in securing my 'success' and I am sure that none of the people I work for know about my exhilarating past.

I received a call from Professor Singh that evening. We went over the details and fixed the timetable. Everything was taken care of.

The conference was on adolescent trauma and criminality, so there wouldn't be graphic situations involved, hopefully, so I was not as anxious as I had thought I would be. Moreover, my insistence of avoiding criminology and criminal psychology related tasks had also been broken. I blamed it on how sensitive I would get during Thanksgiving, with everyone visiting their families and coming back to school to gush about their time home. It was understandable, most people assumed that someone my age would still have both parents and couldn't fathom that assumptions really did make an ass out of them. I made it a point to act like a nice human being and not tell them about my situation that was the polite thing to do.

It didn't take much effort any longer. In the beginning, I struggled with the loss of my family and the disconnection I felt with the world in general; I couldn't understand how I slid from being in pain to feeling absolutely nothing about a certain situation. Over time, I learned to blend the two together, I realized that my anguish over the circumstances which led to the demise of my parents and grandparents were beyond my control, and therefore, all that was left was an utter disinterest in social affairs.

I found myself understanding other people's perspective, yet there was no sympathy or apathy was mixed in it. I just... understood, it was like reading a book for the sake of reading it.

So, I focused inward. I became selfish and asked for things. I would do well in life by understanding other people, but I wouldn't do well if I didn't think about myself.

So what if I had almost lost all sense of sympathy? Or that I felt disinterested in social relationships, I could use my observation skills to further in life... live a good life. Isn't that what everyone else on the planet was doing?

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