Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 3: Chapter 56: Therapy

Aqua tapped a pen on her notepad as I lay on the couch across from her in the Goat’s office. She was dressed in a formal suit of armor for the day, more akin to my usual dress armour than her preferred flowing dress with armored accents.

I was in a set of casual leather shorts and a gambeson. Comfort was the word of the day.

“Why the couch?” Aqua asked.

“It’s traditional.”

“Um… oh, you mean Earth traditional. They really lie down on couches while they get therapy?”

“Aye.”

“That’s interesting. I may try that with my other clients.”

“You could become a [Chaise Hypnotist]. How many clients do ya have now?” I asked nonchalantly.

“More than ten and less than a thousand.” She smirked.

“A good [Hypnotist] never reveals anything about her clients!” Aqua gestured expansively. “I have an Ability for that!”

“Uh huh. I did notice that you haven’t been talking as much recently.”

Aqua groaned. “Ugghhh, it’s a pain. I’m going to start joining Johnsson on his trips to the beardy parlour just so I can pick up some juicy gossip.”

“And maybe meet a nice buff wrestler yerself?” I waggled my eyebrows.

She waggled hers back. “Aye, or maybe a dashing noble with an eye for blue beards and high intelligence.”

“At least you’ve got the blue beard!”

“Do you want this therapy session or not?”

“Oh, I do, Hypnotist Aqua. I really do,” I sighed.

Her voice grew insistent. “And are you sure you want me to do it? My profession usually doesn’t perform on family members or friends. It can be awkward.”

I tapped my head. “Ya really think I can take these secrets to any old [Hypnotist].”

“You could get someone with [Keep Secrets], like me. That’s why it’s such a popular Ability.”

“Not good enough. You have to know there’re ways around it if you get desperate enough.”

Aqua shrugged, surrendering the point. “Most [Hypnotists] aren’t strong enough to see your memories. That’s a high level Specialization. They help you see your memories, and help mend any damage to your Spirit through a combination of therapy and Abilities.”

“Like Healers, but fer tha mind?”

“No, the Spirit is a good deal more complex than the Spark, and where a [Healer] can just Ability away a broken limb, a [Hypnotist] can’t simply vanish trauma without changing who you are at a fundamental level. Spirit healing has to be something you do.”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me. Let’s get started!”

“Very well. Peter Roughtuff, do you consent to me using Abilities to calm you and give me permission to manipulate your mind?”

I settled my back into the couch. “Sure, as long as you’re not a beardless bastard about it. I’ve had some issues with those. Y’know, you never read about transdimensional travelers goin’ in fer therapy, but Gods, so many of ‘em need it. They’re always dark and broodin’ and have the social graces of a stone wall.”

Aqua began writing in her notepad. Her voice gained an odd timbre as she spoke, likely her newest Milestone [Soothing Voice]. It tickled my brain in all the right ways. “Oh? And what finally made you decide to do it?”

*ding!*

Condition Gained: [Calm]!

You have gained the [Calm] Condition!

My shoulders slumped and my breathing grew just a bit easier. It felt like I’d just spent an hour listening to The Eagles’ greatest hits while relaxing in a hot bath. Just Take it Easy Pete. Therapy only works if you don’t fight it.

“I had a breakdown while I was fishin’ with Schist and Herder yesterday,” I explained. “All my memories from back home came floodin’ back, and it absolutely wrecked me. I woke up this morning a mess.”

“What kind of memories?”

I closed my eyes, and listened to the sound of my heart beat. *Thump* *Thump*

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I spoke the memories aloud as they came to me. “The feel of my wife lying in bed beside me in the morning. The scent of spring grass. My daughter’s laughter.” I choked, and my heartbeat grew faster *ThumpThumpThump*. “Caroline’s salmon casserole, riding my bike through the foothills. The feel of the sea breeze ruffling my hair and the sun on my skin – ”

Tears sprang up under my eyelids again, and I found myself weeping. My voice came out in a wheeze.

“It’s been three years, and I thought that I was getting over losing everything. But, the moment I slipped back into the past I just… fell apart. Gods, I feel weak. Wreck – Tourmaline was right, I am weak.”

I laughed bitterly.

Aqua passed me a hanky. “Do you often have flashbacks of Earth?”

“I’d say not, not recently.”

“Have you been holding your memories of Earth back? Trying not to think about them?”

“I don’t know? I absolutely think about Earth from time to time. But not on purpose.” I blew a massive snot monster into the hanky. “Uh, sorry.’

“Just keep it. What pops to mind first about Earth.”

“My family.” I said instantly.

“Mmm…. Family is more of a concept than a memory. What memories pop into your mind.”

I closed my eyes. I could see Caroline and Sammy’s faces in my mind’s eye with ease. But it was surprisingly difficult to dredge up any important memories.

I focused, thinking back to my wedding. We’d held it at the local Anglican church. Neither of us were Anglican – Caroline was raised Protestant – but they had the longest aisle and a big organ. Caroline had worn a v-back white gown with lots of lace on the bottom. Her radiant smile as she’d walked down the aisle was burned into my very soul. She’d wanted a traditional wedding march, but she'd walked too fast, and the organist barely got to ‘here comes the groom, skinny as a broom’ before she was at the altar. She complained about that for years. Blamed me for distracting her with how handsome I was. The memories flooded in faster and faster. The reception, the dancing, the wine bar.

As I remembered, I smiled, and it came out strained. I realized with shock that I was crying again.

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Aqua waited for me to collect myself. “What were you remembering?”

“My wedding.”

“Was it vivid, or dim?”

“Quite vivid. Especially given how long it’s been.”

“Did the memory come gradually or all at once?”

“All at once.”

She wrote some more notes with a *Scribble*. “When you were out fishing, you said your memories ‘flooded’ back. Did they come one at a time, or in a wave?”

“A wave.”

“Was it the memories themselves that were overwhelming, or the sheer amount?”

“... Both, I think. But more the memories. They were just… so strong.”

She penciled some more into her notepad, then crossed her legs and gave me a serious look. ”Pete. Would you say you’ve been suppressing your memories of home?”

“No. I –” I stopped, and thought about it for a few minutes. Aqua watched me in silence, not even writing in her book.

Eventually, I spoke. “You could call it that, I guess, but I wasn’t trying to forget. Just… not think about it.”

Aqua smiled sadly. “Yes, that’s what suppressing is. It’s one of the most common Spiritual disorders that [Hypnotists] deal with. It’s normal.”

She patted me on the shoulder. “You’re trying not to remember something painful. And that’s okay.”

I sniffed. “I’m taking one star off my review for the unsolicited physical contact.”

Aqua’s hand froze and she withdrew it with a frown.

“And you’ve been using a flippant attitude to redirect that pain.” She shot back.

I smirked. “Is that a diagnosis from my therapist or a riposte from a friend?”

“A dwarfess’s observation.” She resettled herself and put her [Calming Voice] back on.

“I’m going to use two Abilities on you. [Inner Sight] and [Sense Emotions]. [Inner Sight] will help you experience a powerful old memory, and [Sense Emotions] will let me sense what you’re feeling. I won’t be able to see your memory, but I’ll be able to read your emotions.”

I relaxed into the couch and closed my eyes, then nodded.

*ding!*

Milestone Used

A [Hypnotist] is trying to use [Sense Emotions] on you.

Do you accept?

Yes/No

*ding!*

Milestone Used

A [Hypnotist] is trying to use [Inner Sight] on you.

Do you accept?

Yes/No

I accepted both prompts.

Then, I fell.

—

I arched my back, which cracked with a staccato of pops, then grunted in pain and grabbed my hips.

“You’re getting old, old man.” The voice of my darling wife jibed from my left.

The hot sun of the Okanagan beat down on my back, kept off by a combination of SPF 60 sunscreen and a white no-name wifebeater. I adjusted the basket full of grapes on my hip as I turned a baleful eye on my traitorous spouse.

“I don’t mock you when your knees hurt.” I pointed at her kneepads.

“Well, maybe you should get kneepads of your own. And bend with your knees, not your back.”

I shoved her, she elbowed me, I knocked her knees out with a kick. She yanked me down with her. We rolled around in the dirt, laughing, play fighting, and proclaiming various aches and pains.

Our laughter eventually devolved into kisses. After all, Sammy was at college and we were the only ones on four acres of vineyard.

It was one of many heady, idyllic summers in the balmy air of Beautiful British Columbia.

My last summer.

—

I came back to myself with a start. This time the memory had been strong, but not as sudden and overwhelming as before. It was more like living it again than simply remembering.

I shivered. “That’s a dangerous ability. I could see people getting addicted to it.”

Aqua nodded. “It can be addicting. But so is beer. And food. At least someone has to be Titled to get [Inner Sight], and I can’t use it on myself.”

I held a hand up to my cheek and it came away dry. “I didn't cry this time!”

“I noticed that, yes. How did you feel during the memory?”

“It was a happy memory. But I felt… sad. Melancholic? Maybe more depressed. Y’know, you were the one reading my emotions the whole time, why don’t you just tell me what I felt.”

Aqua shook her head. “No, it’s important that you tell me what you’re feeling first. It helps us determine if you’re being honest with your own emotions. But yes, what you’re describing is exactly what I felt; pain, and depression.”

“So… I have depression?”

“Not quite.” Aqua flipped to another page in her notebook. “How are you sleeping?”

“Well enough? Better since I fully integrated with me body.”

“... that’s beyond my training. Do you have nightmares?”

“Eh, sometimes? Doesn’t everybody?”

“Insomnia?”

“No?”

She gave me a hard stare. “We all know you’re constantly up till the wee hours in the brewroom.”

“Okay, a little insomnia,” I hedged.

“Have you been seeing anybody?”

“I see dead people,” I whispered monotone.

“... what?”

“No, I’m not seeing anybody.”

Aqua made some more notes. “Why?”

“Why not? Do I need to go on dates? Is a man not allowed to have a fantasy adventure without a pretty lady hanging on his arm?”

“No, Pete. WHY? Are you not attracted to anyone? Are you not interested? Are you avoiding close relationships?”

Tourmaline’s platinum curls came unbidden to my mind, and I banished them. “I’m just… not interested in dating right now,” I sidestepped, defensive. “Okay, honestly, maybe I am avoiding them a little. But I just lost my wife, I don’t want a girlfriend!”

Aqua held up a calming hand. “I know Pete. It’s okay. We’re just exploring your motivations.

She made some more notes in her book, and we sat in silence for a while as her pencil scritched.

Finally she sat forward and cleared her throat.

“Okay Pete. I suspect you have complex post traumatic stress disorder. You’ve been through a traumatic event. Several if we include everything that happened to you in the mine. Complex post traumatic stress disorder matches most of your symptoms.”

“I have… PTSD?”

“Complex PTSD. It’s a result of long term trauma, rather than a single event. I think dying, losing your family, coming to terms with a new world, being attacked by monsters, building a new life, and everything else you’ve experienced on Erd definitely counts as long term trauma. CPTSD is associated with heavy emotional outbursts during episodes, insomnia, avoidance of serious relationships and memory triggers, and isolation.”

“I’m not isolating myself!”

“Pete. When was the last time you weren’t working alone in your room, or pouring yourself into your beer alone, or fighting with the guild, or trying to beat everyone in some competition? How often do you need to remind yourself to reach out? When was the last time you spent a day off with a friend?”

I thought back. “Umm…. I mean, I’ve had a few days off. Like going fishing!”

“Weren’t you forced to go fishing? And what do you do during those days off?”

I thought back. “Study magic. Summon stuff with [Pete’s Miniature Remembrance]. Read history.”

Aqua shook her head. “Pete. You have a family now. A house. A home. People who support you. It’s okay to step away for a bit. In fact, I’m going to prescribe it.”

“You’re prescribing me time off? I’m your boss!” I said, aghast.

“And you agreed to listen to me when I’m being your therapist! If you won’t do that then I won’t do this anymore!” She snapped back.

I crossed my arms and grumped. “Fine. I’ll take a break. [Doctor’s] orders.”

“[Hypnotist]. And you won’t practice brewing, or magic, or study. You’ll actually stop.”

“Not even magic!?” I cried in shock.

“No. Pete, you need to reminisce a bit. Slow down and spend time thinking about your past, or it’s going to continue to overwhelm you.”

She rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “Tell you what. Johnsson’s going to the beardy parlour again tomorrow afternoon. You go with him. Listen to the latest gossip and just enjoy getting your beard brushed. And maybe go see some wrestling with him too. Okay?”

I really did want to go see Dwarf Draconis fight again. Aqua was really pulling my beard here.

“Alright. Fine, I’ll do it.” I hopped to my feet, rubbing my hands together like scrooge mcduck with a sack of gold. “Thanks. Good session, this helped a lot, now get out of my office ya miscreant.”

Aqua rolled her eyes and stood. “This is the thanks I get? You’re a real sonnuvanannygoat, aren’t ya, Pete?”

I placed finger horns on my temple and bleated. “Baaaaaaah!”

*Baaaaaaahhh!?!?* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “What dids’t though call me, varlet!?”