Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 21: Blood and Vinegar

“I can’t believe ya burnt me moustache off twice!”

I was currently rubbing some burn ointment on my face with Balin. We had decided to sneak some from Bran in the kitchen and do it ourselves rather than go face Opal. Bran has a small first aid kit in the kitchen, and I’ve used it a couple times for small burns or cuts I got while baking. He raised an eyebrow when he saw us, but didn’t pry further.

“I didn’t know it was goin to be that bad!” Honestly, I hadn’t. I'd never actually gotten to the ‘gunpowder’ step when I’d played around with this back home. I'd seen some videos on the internet, but that had been a bigger boom than I'd expected. Well, all the better to earn some gold with! “Do you believe me now when I say it’s worth a lot?”

“All that without magic? Aye, I can believe it, it's got quite a kick!”

“Almost as much as a Moscow mule!”

Balin paused as he morosely pulled at his scorched moustache in the mirror. “I know a mule… what’s a Moscow? You use some strange words sometimes Pete.”

“It’s a drink with actual alcohol. I can’t wait to see a pub full of dwarves with a drink that’s higher than 10%. It’ll be a riot.”

“I dunno if starting riots is a good idea, Pete.”

“No, I mean it’ll be hilarious.”

“Riots aren’t really funny.”

“You sayin you don’t like a good scrap? Then what was that business with the stools and the buckets last week?”

“Ok, I guess it can be a bit funny.” Balin grinned at me and I grinned back. For all his straight shooting, Balin could get really riled up when it was about something he cared about. I don’t really get angry myself, and I’m more of a ‘flight’ kind of person in the ‘fight, flight, freeze’ scenario. I don’t AVOID conflict; I just don’t see a point in dealing with it mano-a-mano. I’ll simply leave the situation and figure out a way to crush my enemies later when they least expect it.

I applied a little more salve to a slightly blistered cheek and nodded into the mirror. Yep, vengeance is a dish best served as a surprise party. Like the party the senate threw for Caesar. Now there was a sharp group of individuals who knew that the best thing for a party was a Bloody Caesar! I wonder…

“Are there clams down here Balin?”

“I dunno. I just got to Minnova. I don’t think the dungeon would have em. You can probably get some imported.”

“How about Worcestershire sauce?” Unlikely, but I should ask.

“War-chest-sire sauce? That something about the King again?”

“No, Worcestershire. Wor – Chester – Shire Sauce”

“Wooster-sher?”

“No, nonono. Wort – Chess - Tchure.”

“Warty Chest Tire sauce? Sounds vile.”

“Midna’s mullet, Balin, that’s all wrong.”

“You can’t even pronounce it tha same way twice yerself!”

I ignored Balin’s insult to my pronunciation of the world’s greatest sauce. Worcestershire sauce is a wonderful invention from the city of Worcester and probably doesn't exist here. It’s fermented, just like beer, and it’s made with anchovies, molasses, vinegar, garlic, tamarind and then a mix of sugar and spices. It’s delicious on meats and other treats. It’s also one of the main ingredients of the national cocktail of Canada: the Bloody Caesar.

A Bloody Caesar sounds even more vile than a Caudle if you can believe it, but it makes for a tasty treat on a hot summer day. It was invented in Calgary and it’s a common drink at the Stampede. At the very least I know I drank nearly a half dozen Stampede Caesars when Caroline and I went to see the Muttin Bustin rodeo with Sammy. Watching small children get thrown off of sheep is amusing, but only for the first ten minutes. It’s very

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I doubt I’ll ever be able to make them on Erd though. The Worcestershire sauce is bad enough, since I don’t know how to make it, but the rest of the ingredients are pretty exacting.

First, you need to take a 16oz glass and dip the rim in lemon juice before coating it with celery salt.

Then you add one shot or so of vodka to the glass before filling it with Clamato. Clamato would be easy enough to make myself since it’s just tomato juice with clam water in it.

Add a spoonful of Worcestershire sauce and a spoonful of tabasco, and all that’s left is a celery stalk for garnish and some ice. Voila! A Bloody Caesar!

“Pete?” Balin was waving his hand in front of my face.

“Huh?”

“What are ya thinkin about when yer eyes go all blank like that?”

“Just… the past.” I thought I was over it, but I guess twenty-odd years aren’t going to disappear in a few months.

“You rememberin’ somethin’?” Balin’s voice was hopeful.

“No, maybe, not really.” Even if it was only to Balin, I needed to come clean about my amnesia soon. I was starting to feel like a real heel. “I’m sorry you got hurt. Maybe becoming an [Alchemist] will give me something to keep us safe the next time we do this.”

"Dunno about a next time..." Balin muttered.

Speaking of time, it was finally time to look at the blue boxes I’d been putting off.

Congratulations! You have chosen to gain the [Alchemist] Title!

[Good Luck] has transformed into [Flash of Insight]

[Strength of All: Self] has transformed into [Flesh of Stone]

I focused on the new Blessings in turn and descriptions appeared with a *bing*.

[Flash of Insight]

Sometimes all an aspiring [Alchemist] needs to make an experiment succeed is the right idea. You gain a flash of insight about a project you are currently working on. This Blessing can be used once a day.

[Flesh of Stone]

You can reflexively turn your flesh into stone to avoid the nasty burns or explosions that can come as a result of playing around with alchemy. This Blessing lasts for four seconds and can be used once an hour.

Those looked neat. [Flash of Insight] felt a bit more limited than [Good Luck]. I guess it was the difference between choosing when I’d have a lucky moment rather than generally better luck? I’d need to think on that one. The once per day limitation was way more limited than [Power Pick].

[Flesh of Stone] looked awesome. Having the ability to turn my body into stone felt enough like real magic that I was feeling a little better about this whole thing. Not to mention that an extra layer of protection in a world with real monsters can’t hurt. Maybe I’ll use it in the next bar fight if someone tries to punch me in the nose again.

Next was the difficult part.

Gaining a Title has granted you the ability to choose a Milestone!

Please accept one of the following:

[Determine Ratios]

Simply by looking with your eyes you are able to determine the exact ratios for different materials. This ability is always available to use.

Do You Accept This Milestone?

Yes/No

[Burning Finger]

You can produce a small jet of flame from your index finger that can be used to light objects on fire. You can use this ability once per minute.

Do You Accept This Milestone?

Yes/No

[Stabilize Mixture]

You are able to make an unstable mixture reach perfect equilibrium. It will no longer react violently unless you force it to do so. You can use this ability once per minute.

Do You Accept This Milestone?

Yes/No

[Perfect Recall]

You can always perfectly recall any recipe that you completely learned in the past. This ability is always available to use.

Do You Accept This Milestone?

Yes/No

Now I’m absolutely sure that these messages are based on my own thoughts and actions. These Milestones were all relevant to the event that granted my Title. They were also… kind of boring?

I needed to measure the ratios for gunpowder so I got [Determine Ratios].

I needed to start a fire so I got [Burning Finger].

I needed the gunpowder to not explode in my face so I got [Stabilize Mixture].

I couldn’t remember the correct formula for gunpowder so I got [Perfect Recall].

They were all exactly what I'd needed while being simultaneously meh. Give me more stuff like [Flesh of Stone]!

Anyway, I needed to choose something that would serve me long term. Pretty soon I was going to be making beer. That was my goal, and the gunpowder was a stepping stone. That meant [Burning Finger] was out. Making fire with my fingers was cool and all, but that was easily replaced.

Same problem with [Perfect Recall]. I am confident in my ability to remember how I made all the different beers at Beavermoose. [Perfect Recall] may help me remember how to make some mixed drinks, but it wasn’t going to help much with a craft I spent twenty years honing.

That left [Determine Ratios] and [Stabilize Mixture]. [Determine Ratios] was clear enough. A big part of beer brewing is getting the exact ratio right for the grains in the malt and the adjuncts or ‘extra flavours’ in the wort. [Determine Ratios] would allow me to get it perfect every time. However, it was another Milestone that could theoretically be replaced with some proper tools.

On the other hand, if [Stabilize Mixture] allowed me to force fermentation to stop it could have a lot of uses in beer making. The yeasts used during primary fermentation convert sugar in the wort into alcohol. The exact ratio of sugar that converts into alcohol in the final beer is called attenuation, and you don’t always want it to be 100%. If [Stabilize Mixture] allowed me to stop fermentation then it could open up some interesting new ways of brewing.

The final thing I needed to keep in mind was that gunpowder could go boom in my face at any time. That single fact made my decision easy. I focused on ‘Yes’ for [Stabilize Mixture], and there was a *bing* as another blue box appeared.

Are you sure you want to accept [Stabilize Mixture] as your Milestone? All other options will be lost.

Yes/No

Alright, let’s do this! I focused on ‘Yes’.

Well, that was done. Time to go talk to Grim, I guess.

“Hey Balin – “

There was another series of *bings* as a series of blue boxes labeled ‘Quest’ appeared in my vision. Solen’s socks, not more decisions!!! Argghhhhh!!!