Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 6: A dwarven handshake

Moments before.

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Annie struggled in mind and body as she pulled the bag of tin ore up the pitch-black dive tunnel. Her conversation with Pete had brought back some bad memories, and she was a bit embarrassed by her tears. Her father had never blamed her for the accident, and only told her that no matter what came to pass, he would always love her. Their family had owned that brewery for generations, the recipe for their beer faithfully followed since the First Brew. The fact that they might lose it simply because one unfilial descendant had decided to tweak the brewing process would be seen by purists as divine retribution.

Punishment from the ancestors for daring to try and improve upon perfection.

They were wrong! Annie knew it in her bones, and in her heart. Beer could be improved! There was no such thing as something that was completely perfect. Perfection was always in the eyes of the beholder when it came to art, and there was no arguing that beer was an art! The other dwarves at the brewery all claimed she was odd, to think that beer could be better.

She glanced up at Pete and narrowed her eyes. There was another odd dwarf. He said the wrong things, acted the wrong way, and yet with a single vase he had completely upended the dogma of a dozen dwarves. Pete’s ‘pilsner glass’ was a revolution in beer drinking technology. She still wasn’t sure if it was simply his ‘luck of the fool’ though. He hadn’t made the vase, or even designed it, he had simply found it and decided to use it as a glass. The question was… why?

Thoughts of the beer glass brought her mind back to last night, and her cheeks reddened. The image of Balin, his handlebar moustache coated in foam, and a look of ecstasy upon his face was etched in her mind. He had a lovely singing voice, and was kind and personable. He may be a vagrant, but in her conversations with him she had learned that he was simply searching for a place to call home. His clan had perished in a monster stampede, and he was now looking for a place to settle down. He had been begging for food in Minnova when the Guards picked him up and dropped him in the prison mine. Balin was a hard worker, and apparently an accomplished carpenter. There was a lot of wood in Minnova due to the dungeon, and Balin hoped to use his prison stipend to buy some tools and get work around the city.

After she had fought to protect his honour last night, Annie had realized something.

She had fallen in love with that bristle bearded lug. With his jolly laugh and bright emerald eyes.

So, she found herself getting ready to ask his best friend for help courting. She wasn’t sure they actually were best friends, but they were practically connected at the hip. If she knew one thing, it was that no dwarf courtship could survive without acceptance from the clan, and right now Pete was the closest thing that Balin had to one.

She cleared her throat as they approached the main tunnel. She had prevaricated enough. It was time for action. “Pete, I’m sorry about dumping all of that on you. I actually had a reason that I asked you to come with me.”

Annie set down her bags and walked up to Pete, looking him in the eyes. “You’re really a nice guy. Nobody else seems to have noticed, they all think you’re a fool.” Yes, he would surely help her!

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“Uh, where are you going with this?” Pete asked, pulling back slightly from the glare of her solstone.

Annie leaned in closer, whispering. She didn’t want anyone else to overhear. “I just didn’t have the courage, but after last night I decided to go for it.” Annie rushed her next few words, her courage failing. “I know that you’re just the right dwarf!” Indeed, if it was Pete, Balin would trust him to stand in for a clan member! She was barely able to keep from shouting the rest. “Peter, would you allow me to me court Balin?”

“No, you can’t!” Pete said nearly simultaneously, as he held his hands up.

“What?” Annie asked, shocked.

“What?” Pete replied, looking confused.

Annie couldn’t believe it! Why would Pete immediately reject her for Balin? She was under no illusions about herself. She was quite average looking for a dwarf. Her beard was never able to get that full fluff that was the current style, and she was just a little too tall and her nose slightly crooked. However, she took care in her grooming, was smart, Blessed, and came from a good clan. She never would have imagined such immediate and vocal rejection. Why?!

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“Peter, would you allow me to court Balin?”

“No, you can’t!” I replied, desperate. I really didn’t want to get mixed up in romance right now. I was still getting over losing my family, and I just wasn’t ready for a new relationship.

“What?” Annie asked, her face falling.

“What?” I replied. What did she just say?

“I don’t understand!” Annie huffed. “Why not? You should tell me at least that much!”

“Wait, go back a moment. Did you say you want to court Balin?”

“Yes, and you denied it!” Annie placed her hands on her hips. She stepped forward aggressively, her blonde beard shoving against my chest. I just realized how tall Annie is. “On what grounds!”

“No grounds, no grounds, I thought you said something else!” I was an idiot! What was I thinking? I was a brain-addled fool with a charisma of 9! Why on Erd would someone confess to me?

“So...” Annie looked confused. “What did you think I said?”

“Nothing!” I quickly changed the subject. “So, Balin eh? Is it the moustache? It’s the moustache, right?”

“Among other things.” Annie actually blushed! Balin, you lucky dog!

“Well, you can’t leave it at that. Tell me what you like about my Balin and then we will decide if you’re worthy.” I said that last bit in my best big bad dad impression, a stern look upon my face. Heh, ‘my Balin’, as if I owned him. Why was she involving me with this? I hadn’t even done this ‘dad with a shotgun’ routine on Sammy’s first boyfriend. I raised her well and respected her decisions.

Then the floodgates broke. Annie stammered about Balin’s beard, his kindness, his wit, and his prowess in a fight. Then she got more determined as she talked about his talent, and his possible place in her father’s brewery as a barrel maker. Then she began to describe in clear detail the wonder of his strong dwarfly pecs.

“Hooooold it!”

“Yes?” She asked, pausing in her breathy description of ‘corded muscle that shines like mithril’.

“Yes...” I stopped to think for a moment. This was actually a really good opportunity if I played my cards right. As far as I could tell, Annie was from a well-established family in Minnova. Not to mention the fact that her father owned a brewery. Ok, possibly owned a brewery. It was still the first real chance I had to get into the beer breweries of Minnova, and I wanted in! I knew from experience that getting established is as much luck as perseverance, and I wasn’t going to waste this opportunity. Especially when it provided itself on a blonde-bearded platter! “I’m willing to help you court Balin…. Under one condition.”

“What condition?” Annie asked, her voice growing businesslike. “I swear on my honour that I will fulfill any reasonable request.”

“I want a recommendation to your father’s brewery when we all get out of here.” I said firmly. “For Balin and I. You said you want him to work there? Well, I want to work there too.”

“Why? You haven’t exactly hidden your dislike for beer…”

“It’s my dislike for the current brew. There’s a lot of room for improvement, and I want to help. I think you’re on the right track with the pressure vessel, and I may have some ideas there.”

“You…” Annie paused, her face twisting into strange expression. “Were you a brewer? I thought you forgot everything.”

“I… remember some things.” It wasn’t a lie; I remembered most things too. “What I do remember is that I love beer, but not this beer.”

“The two brews are all there are… all there have been since Mordag brewed the First Brew.” Annie said, confused. “Some tinker, but never change.”

“Well, I’ve seen others.” I said, my eyes gleaming. “My tongue has beheld the tart of sours and the creams of stout.”

“You’re crazy!” Annie said, stepping back.

“Crazy for beer! Are you in or not?” Annie stopped and thought for a long moment. She ran her fingers through her beard and glanced down at me a few times before finally coming to a decision. “Fine, but I reserve the right to fire you for foolishness.”

“I get a minimum of two months and at least a single full brew.”

“Deal.” Annie spat in her hand, grabbed her beard and held it up to me. Ewwwwww, what? She watched me expectantly and I realized she was waiting for me. Do I have to?

I spat in my hand and grasped my beard. Annie grabbed my hand in hers and said in a reverent tone, “Our Beards Are Joined Our Words Are One.”

“Our Beards Are Joined Our Words Are One.” I repeated along, feeling the spit squelch between our fingers. Yuck. She let go of my hand and I surreptitiously wiped the spit off on my pants.

“What now?” I asked.

“Can you bring Balin to the knoll behind the camp tonight after dinner?”

“I can do that.”

“I plan to tell him my desire to court him, as well as the benefits I can bring. Could you please discuss it with him afterwards?”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll give it some serious thought.” I smirked, thinking about the longing looks he’d sent her way. Balin was going to freak!

The two of us nodded at each other, and walked into the main tunnel. A grumble of dwarves was pushing a cart up the tunnel and we chucked our bags inside. The trio grunted at the added weight and then resumed their trek upwards.

“Want to grab a sandwich?” Annie asked.

“Absolutely.”

We followed behind the cart, ascending upwards to an eternally starry sky. My future looked bright.