Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 77: Get Ready to Rumble

What followed was a lot of back slapping and congratulations.

“Pete! It worked!” Annie ran up and pulled me into a hug. We were soon joined by Balin, then Aqua, then everyone else.

“We did it!”

“Huzzah!”

“Congratulations!”

“Did anyone else hear that sound?”

“It looks amazin’, I can’t wait to try it!”

*Meeeeeeh!!!!* *Burp*

We broke apart and considered Penelope, who had finished the bowl and was pushing it towards us with a stamping foot.

“Do ya want more, princess?” Richter chuckled. “Yer a greedy goat, aintcha?”

“We have to give her thirteen more, technically.” Annie said, looking around at all the tanks.

Aqua put her hand up, unnoticed, "Excuse me?"

“Can I have some first?” Johnsson pleaded. “I never got to try any of the bottled beer, and Aqua and Richter keep teasin’ me about it.”

“It’s technically not done yet. It needs to be bottle conditioned.” I pointed out.

“EXCUSE ME!” Aqua shouted, capturing everyone’s attention.

“Yes, Aqua?” Annie asked, sweetly.

“Did nobody else hear that?”

We all tipped our ears attentively.

That was when it happened.

*BRAP*

Every head turned to regard Penelope, whose beady eyes slowly crossed in consternation.

*Meeeeeeh???* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “Surely that wasn’t my most elegant self???”

!!BRAAAAAAAPPP!!

Penelope let out a fart so massive that it actually shook her tail. She jumped nearly a meter into the air and bucked behind her. She waved her single horn wildly, as though attacking some unseen enemy.

*MEEEEEHHH!?!* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “Treachery! Mine own royal body betrays me!?!”

We all stared in shock as Penelope let loose a few more musical *toots* from her behind. She furiously pranced from foot to foot with each eruption.

“Penelope?” Aqua said with trepidation. “Are you ok?”

*MEHEHEHHEEE!!!* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “What foul magic is this!? Have at thee, blackguards!!!”

She then began angrily butting her head against Balin’s shins. He summoned his golden armour, and his legs rang like a bell after every strike.

“What- what was that?” John asked.

“Penelope farted?” I said, questioningly. John rolled his eyes.

“Is tha princess well?” Richter said with concern.

Annie bent over the goat to examine her, but besides the initial shock, Penelope seemed fine. After a short while she calmed down, went back to her bowl, and began pawing at it.

*Meeeeehhh!!!! Meeheehee!* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “Please excuse my impropriety. I apologize and let nobody speak of it ever again. Now fill my bowl, peasants!”

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"Are we… letting her drink from the next tank?" Annie asked, uncertainly.

"Jeremiah checked it. He said this stuff is safe to drink. Maybe she just had indigestion?” I said. Everyone nodded, but nobody looked convinced.

Annie brought Penelope’s bowl to the next tank and poured from the spigot. She placed it on the floor and Penelope immediately buried her nose in the bowl, greedily chugging it down. When it was empty, she raised her head and licked at her lips before pushing her dish to the next tank. She stood next to the spigot and waited expectantly.

We all regarded her for a minute.

Then there was a *rumble*.

*Meeh?* *Burp*

!!BRAAP!!

Penelope went ballistic, kicking and bucking and running around the room. Her voice went up an octave until she was angry-screaming. Every once in a while she’d smash into Balin’s shins, just for good measure.

“Okaaay?” I deferred to Annie. “You’re in charge.”

“Great, thanks.” She grimaced. “What do you think is happening?”

I used [Flash of Insight] to help jog my memory. “The unrefined liver oil is supposed to cause indigestion, and when it’s refined it promotes gut health and stamina recovery.” I thought back to certain medicines on Earth. “Since we didn't prepare it properly, maybe it’s acting like a fast acting probiotic, or a gas-relief agent?”

!!BRAAAAAP!!

*MMMMMMMMAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!*

*GONG* “Och, that one actually 'urt!”

I did my level best to ignore the chaos and concentrate on the problem at hand. A difficult proposition when a crazed caprid is trying to put their horn through your brother’s kneecaps. “A digestive of some kind seems the most likely, but I don’t know magic.” I looked at Richter.

He shook his head. “Don’t look at me. I’ve not studied anytin’ like dis.” His eyes shimmered for a moment. “But I can say dat tha’ beer ain't magic anymore.”

“I guess an accidental ‘potion’ beer was too much to ask,” I grumbled. “Maybe it has health benefits?”

Aqua and Balin eventually managed to soothe Penelope with some gentle pats and she went to shiver angrily beside her bowl. Either she hadn’t realized the beer was causing her outbursts, or she was just a greedy guts. Maybe both.

“Do we keep letting her drink?” I asked.

Annie shook her head. “I don’t think that would be fair to her. Let’s see about - ”

*Rumble*

We all turned to look back at the first tank. Johnsson was standing next to it with a mug in his hand. He only looked slightly guilty.

“What? *Burp* I wanted to try it too. It’s delicious! Tastes just like tha True Brew, but it’s smoother and feels more lively on me tongue! It’s tha best beer I’ve ever drunk and it makes me feel all warm'n fuzzy! And Pete, you said it isn’t even - ”

!!BRAAP!!

“Och!” He held his stomach. “By Aaron’s Arse, that’s an odd feelin.”

!!BRAAA-AAA-A-APPP!!

We all stared at Johnsson as his butt let loose an entire musical number, complete with dance routine. He dropped his mug and grabbed one cheek in each hand, his face turning bright red.

"HA!"

Everyone but Johnsson (who was busy) turned to look at John, who had begun belly laughing so hard he was crying.

"HA HA HA! You should see yer face, son! You look more confused than Penelope did! HAW HAW HAW!!"

Aqua tittered next. Then Balin began to guffaw. Then the entire grumble fell over laughing.

—

We all took a turn at drinking the brew and ripping one out, even John. Aqua practically rattled the walls on her turn, and she fled the brewery in shrieking shame. The beer seemed to grant a slight stamina boost, which caused a bit of belly rumbling and a burp followed by one or two massive toots. There were no discernable side effects, and we didn’t get any [Conditions] from drinking it. That meant it was safe to drink.

Annie still decided to wait a bit before we bottled it. She wanted to talk to her dad and take some time to consider our options.

In the meantime, we had a pub to run. The world wouldn’t wait while our boss contemplated the ethics of beer that could cut cheese. The regulars arrived first, headed by Tania and Beatbox. No Rumbob tonight. Prophet Barnes even made an appearance; now there was a dwarf that loved his goatherd pie.

I looked up from my musings to welcome the next set of guests. My nose itched slightly as it was assaulted by the smell of onions and I resisted the urge to sneeze. I was not made to be a waiter, and Aqua and I were desperate for Annie to hire someone to do this full time. In the meantime, we switched back and forth over the course of the evening.

“Hello, welcome to the Thirsty Goat Brew-”

I petered off as I recognized the party that had entered the pub. It was Master Brewer Browning and his posse. I gritted my teeth and prepared for the worst. These guys were grade A assholes, and if they were visiting a place they’d deemed disgraceful, they were only here for one reason - to make trouble.

I immediately turned management mode on to one-hundred percent.

“Master Brewer Browning, how wonderful to see you! Welcome to our humble brewpub! We’re so happy you could take time out of your busy schedule to come and see us!” I sketched a humble bow.

Browning looked me up and down, his eyes practically screaming contempt.

*Hmph* “We were made aware of your so-called Grand Opening by some of our apprentices. It would have been customary for you to invite the Honourable Guild of Brewers to a tasting on your first night. Not,” he sneered, “that I would have expected an outsider like you to understand that. I did expect better from Annie Goldstone, though.”

My eyebrow twitched, but I kept my tone level. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how we could have missed sending out your invitations! It’s just been so busy around here with the renovations. Please, let me take you to your seats, and the first round will be on us as an apology.”

An elderly dwarf behind Browning grunted. “He’s got a tongue sweeter than yer wife’s tarts, Browning. Take me to my seat lad, my legs aren’t gettin’ any younger.”

“Of course, Master Brewer…?”

“Malt.”

“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance Master Brewer Malt. If you’d please come this way.” I gestured towards a table in the back. Master Browning stepped in front of me and walked towards it while I led the rest of the group.

“Our special today is a glazed rack of goat with roasted rosemary-erdroot and sauteed carrots.”

“Tiara’s Teats that sounds delicious!” Malt said, his eyes glittering. “Who's yer chef, and how much do you want for ‘em?”

“I’m afraid Bran isn’t for sale, sir. But you’re welcome to come and eat at the pub as often as you please! We have a new special every week, and they’re all unique to our restaurant.” I liked this guy. He was one of those old people that reached a certain age and decided 'I’ve lived a long life, so watch out, I’m comin’ through y’all!' People like that were always a delight, except on the highway and in public change-rooms.

“Stop fraternising and take a seat, Malt.” Browning harrumphed.

Malt shrugged apologetically at me and sat down beside Browning. The rest of the grumble were a twin pair of ginger dwarves with ducktail-beards, a fairly stunning green haired dwarfess in heavy makeup, and a distinguished dwarf with grey mutton-chops. They were all dressed in the same severe black armour.

I passed each of them a menu in turn, and was rewarded with a combination of angry glowers and stark silence.

“Can I get everyone a beer?” I asked sweetly.

“Yes. How is the beer?” Browning asked, with an odd inflection.

“It’s Thirsty Goat’s finest True Brew.” I replied.

“I’ll be the judge of that. I’d heard that you children were experimenting with new brewing techniques.” Browning said, with a tone that sent shivers down my spine and set off alarm bells. “I can’t help but feel that any such attempt would summon the wrath of the ancestors. Especially given the unfortunate events that transpired here the lasttime.”

What in tha Nether was this? Was this guy playing silly buggers or what? I put a blank smile on my face and began to formulate an answer when I noticed it.

A tiny purple dot sat on my minimap. A single, solitary icon that indicated the presence of unrefined lily-leopard liver oil. Right on top of Master Brewer Browning.

*Bing!*

The Malted Mystery

Culprits Found: 1 / 2

Sonnuvanannygoat.

That-SON-OF-A-NETHER-SPAWNED-BILLY-GOAT-BRED-CHUCKLEHEADED-SCUM-SUCKING-SCIVEY-SAMSQUANCH!

—

I burst into Annie’s office.

“What -” She began.

“It was BROWNING!”

“Ugh, is that jerk here? What does he want?”

“He wants to screw us over! Just like he already did!”

“What? Pete you aren’t - “

“HE’S CARRYING LILY-LEOPARD LIVER OIL!” I shouted, my body vibrating with rage.

“What?” Annie asked again, her brows drawing together.

“He’s carrying lily-leopard liver oil, and my quest to find the source of our contamination ticked up when I saw it. It wasn’t an accident, it was sabotage. That absolute bastard of a brewer spiked our brew!”

Annie's face went from shock, to bewilderment, through anger, and ended up on rage. “How dare he. How DARE he! How dare he contaminate the Sacred Brew! He calls himself a brewer!?” She stood up to storm out of the room and I grabbed her by the shoulders.

“No! We can’t. As much as I want to slug him in the face we have no proof, and he’s got way too much clout for us to accuse him.”

“City Hall - “

“I know! I know the Ordinances Annie. But this isn’t about laws, it’s about tradition and image and respect. If we go out there and accuse him of sabotage it will destroy the Thirsty Goat. We’re too vulnerable!”

“But- but -” Annie sputtered, then sat down in her chair with a *whomf*. “ugh, you’re right.”

We sat in angry silence for a moment, each of us flexing our hands as we wrung an imaginary neck.

“I’m not an expert in dwarven society, Annie. What can we do in this situation?” I asked, haltingly. “He’s the guild-master for the brewers guild! Can you even sell beer if he decides to blacklist you? As far as I can recall, the ordinances barely even mention guilds.”

Annie drummed her fingers on the table. “We can, but it would be an uphill battle. None of the local restaurants would carry our beer out of fear of retaliation, and our name would be mud with the grocers. The cost to buy erdroot would go through the roof and it would be hard to make big sales.”

“So it would be possible.”

Annie nodded. “Just expensive.”

I made a fist. “Except we have an alternate revenue stream that they can’t touch with Whistlemop. Anything else?”

Annie thought for a while longer. “Usually, dwarven families and businesses deal with events like this with a Feud. The party that declares the Feud sets the terms, and the challenged party declares the form of Contest. It can be anything from combat in the arena, to a crafting competition, to a foot race.”

I scratched my cheek. “That’s a strange tradition.”

Annie shook her head. “Dwarven Feuds used to last generations and would involve the slaughter of entire clans. The Ordinances set strict rules on them to keep our society from fracturing every time some curmudgeon took offence.” Then she sighed. “But you’re right, we’re too weak right now, so if we declare a Feud we’d just be crushed. Feuds favour the challenged party by design.”

“Hmmm… but only if we declare one. If he declares it, we have a chance at winning.”

“I don’t know what you’re thinking Pete, but even if you can get Browning to declare a Feud, I’m not sure we have any way to beat an entire guild.”

“Oh, I think we do.” I leaned in with a feral grin and explained my plan. Annie’s eyes widened and then her smile grew to match my own.