Born a Monster

555 Mountains Are People, Too

“All I’m saying is that we can fight them at any one of the choke points we’ve passed.” I said.

“All of them?” Pale Ram asked. “The hundred twenty we know about, and whomever is moving to reinforce them?”

I sighed. “Using goblin tactics...”

“Kobolds not use inferior goblin tactics.” Throat Band said. Her name had been Slave Collar, but I am a Truthspeaker. I have an idea how few seconds I’d live if anyone asked me her name.

“We’re going THROUGH the mountain, and that’s final.” Pale Ram decided. “The longer we can delay these troops, the better job we’re doing.”

“Good thought.” One Nostril joined in. “Get them to Kobold lands. Food for kobolds, soldiers never go home. Everyone except enemy soldiers wins.”

“Shush!” Pale Ram said. “Tell me everyone feels that.”

We did. It was like the earth around us had turned hostile. Angry. Just like...

Oh, crap, it was THAT mountain.

.....

It manifested as pairs of red eyes, eyes that vanished before kobolds could strike them.

<And where do you think YOU are going?> As if there was any doubt, the rocks of the ceiling ground together to cover me in a shower of dust. <YOU have eighteen hundred and sixteen trees to plant.>

<That is a forest!> I complained. <Three times the size of what was cut down. That wasn’t agreed.>

The manitou hit us with a wave of [Nausea] and [Vertigo]. I kept my stomach contents, but found myself kneeling against the wall.

<You may not pass. As I didn’t see any of you others cutting down trees, come and go stay as desire.>

“Oh? And start a mine?” Pale Ram asked.

<No, those minerals are MINE.>

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“Okay, no deal, then. So the only problem you got with the new recruit is trees? Take a look out your west side.”

<Pines. Conifers. Those ARE nice trees.>

“What if we make a deal, and he brings back some of THOSE seeds?”

“Kobolds never agree!” Throat Band insisted. “Tasty seeds are ours, not stupid fake kobold’s.”

“Are you trying to get him killed?” Pale Ram asked.

Throat Band shrugged.

“Anyway.” she said to the manitou, as though it didn’t have the power to kill us all, “You want trees? What if he doubles the amount of trees he owes every time he passes?”

<I don’t think he’ll live to plant that many trees. Not at the rate he’s going.>

“What if we promised to help?”

The mountain rumbled. <Goblins have taught me to never trust goblins. Never again.>

<What about me?> I sent. <What if I agree to train foresters, and that we would work until all those trees were planted? A vast swath of green, from here the Teeth, as north goes.>

All of its eyes blinked at the same time.

When they opened, it said. <So mote it be.>

“Okay, we’ve wasted enough time.” Pale Ram said. “Move it, move it, move it!”

I’ve done the math. Seven thousand, two hundred, and sixty four trees. I’d NEED an entire forestry service.

It was like counting coins I owed to the Guild. A debt that felt I’d never get out from under.

“I’m going to need to train so many foresters.” I lamented.

“Nah.” Pale Ram said. “Twenty people, two years, give or take. And look at it this way, you know what you’ll be doing while I retire to live at a health spa. Free salt baths every day.”

She hugged herself, and I tried various mathematical formulae. Good gods, I was going to need so many people.

We walked in silence, and the kobolds led us true through the twisty tunnels, each one alike. The shouts of our pursuers faded to distant words, and then whispers, and then they were gone. There was even sunlight in the sky when we emerged above Kobold Hill. Was it truly so small?

It had taken half a day for Kismet and I to run across it, encouraged by kobolds themselves.

The kobolds drew their weapons as one.

“What do you sense?” asked Pale Ram.

She didn’t need to wait for an answer. The first grey ursa emerged from behind a rock.

“Close defense!” Pale Ram shrieked, pulling her bow taut.

I reached out a hand, rested it on her shoulder.

Just a hint? Don’t use Beast Sense. You’re already surrounded and outnumbered before the first grey ursa shows itself.

<Are any of you sentient?> I asked. <Awakened? Aware? We only need so much of your mountain as to pass, and for the time it takes us do so.>

<We smell meat from your packs.> the one I could see replied. <Stack your meat into a pile, and if it is enough, you may pass.>

We didn’t have enough meat. Our meat, all four of my healing potions, and an entire stack of ten metal shields. THAT, finally, was enough.

“Grey Ursa are made of meat.” Liver Nose complained.

“You want to go back there and challenge their leader, go ahead.” Pale Ram said. “We’ll tell your family you died with courage.”

“I’ll tell your family...” he muttered back, too softly for even goblin ears to pick out. But what he said was inappropriate, and religiously horrifying unless you like that kind of inter-species activity. At least the orifice he mentioned, there wouldn’t be children...

If anyone knows if goblins and kobolds can have children, let me know. I mean, I’d think not, the mammal/reptile barrier and all, but that’s not foolproof.

Hm? Oh, yes. Of course we descended into that too-silent wooded area. We began to see less and less of our soldiers, and more of … others.

They spat insults at us, and threats, and sometimes even threw... well, normal kobold hospitality to outsiders.

I sighed. “Where are we heading?”

Pale Ram smiled. “Campsite. Set up some supplies there last time I was here.”

“And you think those supplies are still there?”

“Of course not. Not in any usable form, at any rate.” She looked up at where the sun tried to pick through the forest canopy. “We should have time to rebuild and repair the shelter, gather enough food that we don’t starve tonight.”

“Your faith in my abilities is comforting.” I said, passing a hand through a thorny plant so my System could harvest the berries.

“Your abilities are shit.” she replied. “I believe your hunger is enough to get you past those meager limits.”

I blinked, and said nothing.

“Come on.” she said. “Bicker back, entertain our guests.”

I didn’t have to mention uncomfortable truths for long. Ruined would have been a nice name for the campsite. The shelter had been disassembled, its timbers left on the ground so they were all beginning to rot on the bottom side. The fire pit had the rocks removed, and then used as a toilet. Noticing the stream was near dry, I checked upriver. It took me forty four minutes to disassemble the dam I found there, at least enough to start the flow of (marginally) clean water past the campsite. That was with the kobolds helping by pelting me with a variety of rocks and pine cones, some coated in poisons or urine or fecal matter.

Amuse our hosts, indeed! It seemed they had their own idea of what that all entailed.

As pointed out by Thaddeus the Clever, kobolds have a great understanding of what hospitality is; otherwise they could not violate each and every tenet with such thoroughness. But say what he will, we were able to gather food and wood, and so long as one of us stood guard, the other might manage to get as much as an hour of uninterrupted sleep.

Oh, they tried to poison us, and they set traps, one of them so cunningly made that I took it with me, much against their protests. But we boiled our water, and washed the shiny surface off all our nuts and berries, and were still alive (and honestly not that bad off, all things considered) on the second day, when Pale Ram began “secret” negotiations for a double squad of kobolds to come back with us.

They screamed and shrieked and cursed loudly enough that I was nearly captured by a group of their children. I hope they planned to use me as a hostage to better their position... but I stayed closer to the camp afterwards.

“You should know they offered me four kobolds for two months if they got to rip you into pieces while I watched.” she said.

I swept a foot through the pine needles at my feet, but no trap was uncovered.

“Ha!” she shouted. “The look on your face! It was priceless. Oh, but THAT one! Ahaha, I’ll treasure THAT look forever.”

I stepped to one side, and avoided a kobold landing on my back. He sprung away, laughing at me.

“Don’t get too aggressive.” she said. “That’s one of our new recruits.”

“I think I’ve crossed claws with that one before.” I admitted.

“No skin off my nose.” she said. “You’re not useless, but I’d rather have the four kobolds than you.”

“Then why didn’t you?” I asked.

“Ha! If I had turned you over, they’d know I’d betray their volunteers also. Not the conversation one wants to begin with kobolds, not if you want to live.”

“What did you promise them?” I asked.

She shrugged. “More coin in trade goods than the empire’s going to be happy with.”