Grabbing Your Hand, Dragging you Away

Chapter Thirty-Nine

That night, I did not answer Yuwen Rui, nor did Yuwen Rui insist on asking for an answer. He just quietly held me in bed as he sat there the entire night, just like those nights in our childhood, clinging to one another yet absolutely silent.

Turns out time is like water, we have already been together for so many days and nights.

These few days, I sure have been quietly lying in bed to recuperate, not for any other reason, only because that night’s ‘treasure steal’ action seems to have been overly vigorous, the wound on my arm had opened up again and started to slightly suppurate (form pus), startling Xi Xi into giving me another earful. I obediently listen to her lecturing, feeling that I really should listen to it well.

Alright, I admit, I have yet to prepare myself to face Father Emperor, even if he is still unconscious.

It’s not that I haven’t seen the rottenness within the palace, for example the illicit affairs between consorts and imperial guards, the immoral relationships between palace maids and eunuchs, the flirty eye contacts between minister madams and powerful officials. I originally thought I have already grown unfazed by these matters, just that in this very moment, I finally know that I am still surprised and cannot understand this type of love that goes beyond ethics.

This man is my Father Emperor, the one who gave me a life together with my mother.

I furrow my brows and start to imagine these feelings of his, this man gave his most intense love to his own sister, and hid it deep within his heart. I am not all showing disdain towards these feelings, I just find it strange, why do the strange heavens always love to create some torturous love and deep-rooted feelings, causing people to be stuck in a life of struggles.

Throughout the ages, loves is never wrong, what’s wrong is timing, is identities, is that you love someone who you should not love.

I scoff, look at the excuse the great mankind gives for love, ‘a beautiful yet regretful mistake’. But the only reason why mankind gives such a beautiful excuse for love, is because when faced with splendid and attractive captivation, they greedily cling to the ultimate joy, and the short moment that is like dazzling fireworks, they indulge and forget themselves.

I suddenly laugh out loud, carrying satire. I never look to great love or moths darting into the flame (seeking one’s own destruction), what I want is to just love myself.

In the end, I am such a selfish woman.

These days in the palace has also been in particularly boring, after going through such a trial test of strength, each kingdom requires time to deal with the aftermaths. I heard Yun Ze is currently in huge chaos, one that is like raging fire, I think that a lot of this is credited to Yuwen Rui’s doings. I think to myself, Yuwen Rui is in a way considered Yun Ze’s benefactor, at least it wouldn’t take long for Yun Ze to end that kind of chaotic situation, starting a journey from anew, be it for good or bad.

I think of that stunning man that I have called ‘Seventh Brother’ for many years, he has now already returned to his own kingdom and taken on the responsibilities he should have. I wonder how he will do? Busy amongst the complex struggles, in those moments of rest, his mind would suddenly flash with our past, and then continue to be busy?

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I believe that man with a careless look on the surface but hides heavy responsibilities in his heart, will step by step, walk along the path that belongs to him.

Speaking of Yun Ze, then there is definitely one person that cannot be forgotten, en, that person is precisely Evil Spy Meng, as in Meng Shao Jue. After the passing of that night, the Meng family had disappeared from Yun Mi without a trace, Meng Estate quiet as though no one has ever lived there, no signs of life.

I am unclear of how I feel towards this person, hate? Not right. Like? Not exact either. Mm, perhaps can be said be admiration.

Speaking from the heart, this person – Meng Shao Jue – is indeed a talent. Young, smart, acts with cutting resolution, good with disguises, causing those around to be incapable of seeing through him. He can chat and laugh with you in one moment, and could perhaps pierce a knife through your chest the very next second, and after stabbing you, he could even ask you if it hurts with a smile.

Thinking up to here, I feel a little sorry, it was hard for him to leave a bug he held with so much importance in me, but unfortunately, Yun Zhan does not share tacit understanding with him, blatantly sending over a solution to the bug. This is just great, the I who have eaten that something something Cloud Bug is once again healthy and eating well. Ai~, unfortunate ah, unfortunate.

Regarding the matter of Meng Shao Jue torturing me to distract Yuwen Rui that day, to speak the truth, I really don’t despite nor am I mad at him. Meng Shao Jue, he is a Yun Ze person, his objective is to help Yun Ze destroy Yun Mi, he stands against Yun Mi, everything he did was only his own duties. You needn’t say he treated a weak woman like this and that, in face of national enemies, there is no difference between male and female, there is only the differences of identity. Not to mention, all those so-called heroes, which one of them are able to smack their own chest in declaration of having never done anything despicable before?

What surprised me was the complex emotions that had flickered past his eyes when Meng Shao Jue saw my arm that day, had I not guessed wrongly, that type of emotion is called reluctance.

Hand on chest, I can say so myself that I really did not seduce him, but this time-travelling girl’s constitution sure can’t avoid the part of being longed for by someone. I pat my own forehead, Ah-Lan ah, Ah-Lan, you really sinned ah, sinned, fortunately you have a heart of steel, if not, this will be another classic bitter love that oversteps national boundaries oh ho.

I throw a grape into my mouth, filling my mouth with the freshness and sweetness of the grapes, I suddenly feel saddened, Meng Shao Jue’s leave doesn’t concern me, but Ying Lu has also left, that adorably arrogant young lass.

I cannot possibly forget the life I led with her in the Meng Estate, that is the first ever friendship I have gained in this world, simple and straightforward. I’m unable to forget those feelings of familiarity and the feelings of affection that Ying Lu had brought to me, she is that much of an unyielding and stubborn girl, just like the me from a very long time ago.

Ying Lu ah, Ying Lu, do you now know of everything now? Have you been missing me? Whether we would be able to meet again in future, and when meeting again, will we be able to treat one another as friends?

With a troubled mind, I spit out the grape seed. Ai~, time is always the killer of feelings.

I was just sprawled over the table, saddened by the passing of seasons, when Xi Xi comes in with a smile, saying: “Princess, his majesty has awakened!”

I immediately sit up straight, “Father Emperor has awakened?”

“That’s right, I heard his spirits isn’t bad too, currently instructing the imperial kitchen to make something light to send over.” Xi Xi places the medicine bowl in front of me, “Princess, drink your medicine.”

I expressionlessly raise the bowl and chug down the entire bowl of thoroughly dark decoction of medicinal ingredients, then chew on the grape Xi Xi hands me to clear the taste. Father Emperor’s awakening is a good thing, just that, why am I feeling unrest in my heart?

My unrest was addressed when night came, Father Emperor’s most trusted eunuch hastily runs over to find me, saying Father Emperor’s poison has suddenly acted up, in a moment in which the imperial physicians are unable to do anything to help, Father Emperor says he wants to see me.

I ask the eunuch, “Was everything not fine this morning?”

The eunuch answers: “Responding to Princess, in the morning, Imperial Physician said the poison had already been suppressed, but who knew it would suddenly relapse at night……”

When I arrive at Father Emperor’s residential palace, I was greeted with many eyes along the way, of course I know they are all unbelievably surprised, surprised that in a moment like this, the one Father Emperor looked for is not the most doted Imperial Sister, not the most favoured Yuwen Rui, but I, who have been disregarded and neglected by him for over ten years, that fool of a daughter.

All my imperial sisters and a bunch of high ranked ministers waits by the bedside, whilst Yuwen Rui is saying something to the imperial physician. I approach the bed, seeing Father Emperor who always had a healthy red complexion in the past, now looking pasty, even his lips were turning black and purple.

Father Emperor shakily moves his lips as he disjointedly says: “All get out, I, I need to say a few words, to Ah-Lan.”

Everyone in the room looks at me strangely after hearing this, then turns and leaves, those several distant imperial sisters of mine had even sounded a few cold harrumphs as they walk past me. Whilst Imperial Sister does not say anything, just secretly giving my hand a squeeze, giving me a look I don’t understand. Yuwen Rui just calmly glances at me when leaving, then that tall and slender body swiftly turns around and closes the doors, the room instantly becomes quiet.

I walk up to the bed, quietly calling out: “Father Emperor.”

Father Emperor closes his eyes, rather weakly saying: “The thing, did you get it?”

I calmly reply, “En.”

“-ke-ke-, if you got it then good.” Father Emperor’s chest quickly rises and falls, voice as rough as sandpaper, “This is what you deserve, all these years, it was I who had neglected you, -ke-ke-, I am sorry to you.”

I look at him, emotionless, not feeling like there’s anything I need to say.

Father Emperor casts me a glance, bitterly laughing, “You and Ke Zi are both her children, yet I had only took notice of Ke Zi, have never shown you concern, I truly am not a good Father Emperor.” He takes a few breaths and continues to say: “That note……did you bring it?”

I quietly take out that yellowing note from my sleeve, placing it in his hand. Then watch this man that is nearing sixty, tenderly rub the note, his eyes flowing with nostalgia and yearning.

Father Emperor shakily hold up the note, “Nan-er……I, I have almost forgotten what you look like.”

I slightly hook up the corners of my lips, “Father Emperor loves Imperial Aunt very much?”

Father Emperor’s hand violently trembles, yet when he raises his head, the shock in his eyes had already been concealed. He silently looks over me for a long time, then laughingly says: “Ah-Lan, I truly have overly neglected you in the past, to actually not know you are such an intelligent child.”

I calmly say: “Father Emperor is overpraising.”

“-ke-ke-.” Father Emperor closes his eyes, then wearily says: “Forget it, forget it, someone would ultimately have found out. Hoho, I just didn’t think the one to know of this matter would actually be you.” The look in his eyes slightly darkens, “I……am sorry to you and your Mother Empress.”

“Rou-er and I have been husband and wife for so many years, have always been gentle and considerate to me, even passing away whilst giving birth to children for me. Yet I have never done anything for her……” His aged voice is full of fatigue and remorse, “Even the child she birthed in exchange for her own life, I was not able to offer the same doting love.”

“Why?” My tone is so unshaken, even if I am asking a question.

Father Emperor laughs, expression a little blurred, “At Ke Zi’s grabbing test when she was little, she grabbed a box of rouge, I remember……Nan-er was also like this when she younger. Ke Zi and Nan-er both likes the colour purple, both likes to crawl onto my lap and act spoilt, both likes to shake the edge of my clothing to ask for mercy. Seeing Ke Zi, feels exactly like I’m seeing the past Nan-er……Ah-Lan, I, owe you.” (grabbing test or zhuā zhōu / 抓周 is a ceremony for babies on their first birthday where babies are to pick from a selection of objects, whichever is chosen represents the career prospects or capabilities that the baby will lean towards in future. For more info see: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/life/2011-02/15/content_12016991.htm)

“No.” I speak up, “You owe me nothing, because even if there was no you, I am still able to live very well.”

Father Emperor is slightly stunned by these words, then weakly laughs and says: “A great ‘you owe me nothing’, a great ‘able to live very well without me’, great, -ke-ke-, great.” His complexion is getting darker and darker, the shine in his eyes dims, “Ah-Lan, you will protect this piece of treasure map well, right?”

I fall silent for a long while, then nod.

“Good, -ke-ke-, good, you will protect it well, that’s good then, that’s good then.”

Father Emperor’s laughter suddenly becomes loud and clear, yet in the very next second, his eyes has lost its focus. He frantically waves his arms around, seemingly wanting to grab something, but fails to every time, failure after failure, he once again, continues to grab.

I finally cannot tolerate it, extending my hands to hold his, “Father Emperor, what else do you wish to say?”

“Ke Zi, Ke Zi……”

I loudly shout: “Imperial Sister come in!”

Imperial Sister immediately rushes in, reaching out to grab Father Emperor’s other hand, as she tearfully says: “Father Emperor, Ke Zi is here, Ke Zi is here!”

“Ke Zi, Yun Mi is over to you now, Father Emperor believes you can do it, Ke Zi.” After Father Emperor finishes saying this to her, he then tightens his hold on my hand, eyes trying hard to widen, “Ah-Lan, you and Rui-er, will aid her, right, right……?”

His hold is so strong, making me feel like my bones are about to be crushed. I see far too many, far too many things in his eyes, and so, I slowly nod “right.”

Father Emperor’s hand powerlessly drops after my word of “right”, both eyes peacefully closed.

My imperial sisters all swarm in, sorrowfully wailing.

The imperial physicians come up, hastily inspecting.

Yuwen Rui calmly takes care of everything.

I was just pushed to the side, silent without a word.

My hands hidden under my sleeves, are clenched very tight, very tight, eyes slightly warming up, deep down, I find it sad yet funny.

Father Emperor, you gave me the treasure map, telling to protect it well. And I holding onto this treasure map, is the best protection for Imperial Sister, is that right?