How To Raise Your Regressor

⟦Wait… I thought you had taken away their right to call you Father?⟧ He raised his eyebrow.

Huh.

⟦⟦You know, I used to think that no one in this Universe could be more suicidal than me.⟧⟧

⟦And you would be absolutely right in thinking so.⟧

⟦⟦Well, that's what I USED to think, until I met you. I mean, you must be dying to die, right?⟧⟧

That's the only explanation that makes sense.

⟦…Ahem, I'm sorry about that, Sire. I'll keep my mouth in check next time.⟧

⟦⟦Please don't. It's been some time since I had a good battle, after all.⟧⟧

Everyone enjoys an all-out fight to the death every once in a while, don't they?

⟦…⟧

⟦⟦And to answer your question, I merely took away their right, not my status as their Father. So while they are no longer allowed to call me father, I can still refer to myself as such, because that's what I am.⟧⟧

It's such a simple logic, yet so many mongrels fail to understand that no matter what happens, I would always be their father and they would always be my children.

Good thing those mongrels are all dead.

The Universe's average IQ is already in the single digits anyway; keeping fucking idiots like that alive would drop it in the negative.

And we wouldn't want that, would we?

⟦I see! Yup, makes perfect sense.⟧ He nodded. ⟦Parenting sure is hard though. Thanks for teaching me that. ⟧

⟦⟦Sure.⟧⟧

⟦By the way, what happened to your son and wife? I assume they are Gods somewhere now?⟧

A reasonable assumption considering the facts available to him, but what a fucking idiot because you got it wrong, motherfucker.

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⟦Shit.⟧

⟦⟦They lived out their lives as normal mortals, then died of old age surrounded by their loved ones.⟧⟧

⟦They rejected Godhood?⟧

⟦⟦After running away just to survive for so long, all they wanted was a quiet, peaceful life. And I'm sure that you of all people would understand the value of peace and serenity best, right?⟧⟧

⟦…⟧ He smiled bemusedly. ⟦Yes, yes, I can. How did you know?⟧

⟦⟦The very fact that you're asking me that question shows how grossly your underestimate me.⟧⟧

Tsk, tsk, tsk. I thought he would know better, but alas, life is full of disappointments.

⟦In my defence, I didn't think you would go that far to investigate me. I believed that I would stay as the 'bug not worthy of much attention' for the rest of our time together.⟧

⟦⟦Then you are a fool.⟧⟧

⟦Oh well, this will be a learning experience for me. I'll try not to disappoint you next time.⟧

⟦⟦You are the literal personification of my Pornhub search for 'Daddy Issues'. You will never not disappoint me.⟧⟧

⟦Ouch.⟧

⟦⟦Storytime is over. Go fuck yourself now.⟧⟧

⟦Will do, while reading some tasteful vanilla hentai.⟧

⟦⟦Good.⟧⟧

Now that's what I call effective use of time.

With that, the motherfucker left.

Needless to say, the entire story telling session was completed in a few milliseconds, so Jennifer didn't even notice a thing.

"Blasphemy? It's literally written in His gospel that killing yourself is a sin. And you know what He does to sinners."

Uhh, I don't. Why would I?

Also, what the fuck were we even talking about?

Hmmmmm, ah right, I called her a heretic after she questioned my logic.

How dare she!

And as if that wasn't enough, she's not only refusing to admit her mistakes and apologise, but doubling down on them.

Wow.

Just wait till we reach the city, Sword of the World gal, because I'm going to burn you right in the middle of the plaza.

"Whatever."

It's important to not raise any suspicions until we reach the plaza. Only idiots make things harder than they need to be.

"…" Jennifer rolled her eyes. "Anyway, be ready for tomorrow."

Wat.

"Why?"

I have a bad feeling about this.

"Why? Because you are coming with us, that's why!" She exclaimed in what seemed to be frustration for having to explain something so obvious.

"I don't want to."

​ "I'm not giving you a choice. As my secretary and Dora's friend, it's only obvious that you are coming."

Bruh.

"There's nothing obvious about it. And I'm not Dora's friend."

Imagine being a single-digit-age old child's friend. Cringe.

"Of course, you are! Look at how friendly you two were with each other!"

How the fuck were our exchanges friendly?

Well, I guess we weren't trying to kill each other or anything, but even then the correct term would be 'non-hostile', not 'friendly'.

Did this woman even go to school?

"Whatever. We'll see tomorrow."

There's no point in arguing with a dumbass. I'll just 'accidentally' yeet myself off the stairs and cast magic spells to prevent healing spells from fixing my shattered femurs. She won't have any choice but to leave without me then.

Escaping awkward social situations is so much easier when you are suicidal and have no moral compass.

Get fucked, loser.

"I'm sure we will," she nodded confidently.

Seems like she has some kind of plan to take me with her. I'll have to be extra careful tomorrow while breaking my legs.

The last thing I want is for her to swoop in like a prince on a white horse (more like a tin foiled knight on a donkey) and save the damsel in distress i.e., moi.

Jokes aside though, given how much Jennifer seems to love Dora and how cautious she is to keep their relationship a secret, I don't understand why she wants me, a complete stranger, beside her beloved niece.

While it's entirely possible that she's just a dumbass, the more plausible (and amusing) explanation would be that Jennifer has an ulterior motive behind introducing me to Dora.

But what could it be?

"Why do you want to take me with you tomorrow? Or rather, why did you really bring me to this bday party today?"

Let's ask the big gurl herself.

"Because… you didn't celebrate your own birthday?" She smiled bemusedly.

"Neither of us care about a birthday party that didn't happen. Even if you did, it would make no sense to bring me here of all places. So, what's the real reason?"

"You…" A wide grin appeared on her face. "You truly are as fearsome as Azell claims. What a monster."

Why is she suddenly dissing me? What the fuck?

"Anyone could have done what I did," I shrugged.

"Oh, I highly doubt that."

"I see. So, what's the real reason?"

"Well," she took a deep breath. "I need your help."