I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

Chapter 18: In a World Where Everybody is Prone To Change, I Wanted To Have a Glimpse Of Eternity

001

We broke up once when we were still dating each other. As Mr. F was often required to go on business trips which lasted for months, he had extremely little time to accompany me. As such, I was frequently left alone.

Once, I fell extremely ill, and was suffering from a fever that rose to 42 degrees Celsius. As I was terribly worried that I would pass away from the fever, I forced myself to take a cab alone to the hospital.

There was another incident when I returned home after work, only to find that the water pipe in the kitchen had exploded, causing the entire house to be flooded in water, and half of the suspended ceiling to collapse. As such, I had no choice but to make a trip to the repair company by myself in order to employ repairmen to fix the house.

One night, I was forced to work overtime till the wee hours of the morning. As I was feeling extremely fatigued, I fell asleep on the bus, only waking up when the bus arrived at the bus depot. I was thus forced to walk along the road at 1AM in the morning, and only managed to grab a taxi after an hour. When I reached home, I opened the door, only to be greeted by a sea of darkness. When I put down my keys, it was as though I could hear the echo reverberate throughout the entire house.

My heart felt extremely empty – whenever I was happy, I had no one to share my happiness with, and whenever I was sad, I had no one to confide in. It was during these times when I would occasionally think that despite having a boyfriend, it was as though I had none. Even though I had come all the way to Beijing in order to accompany him, he’s never by my side in my times of need.

There was once I experienced a mental breakdown. If I recall correctly, it was our anniversary that day, and we had originally intended to spend the entire day together. However, Mr. F received a last minute notice from his company, instructing him to go on an urgent business trip. As he was packing his luggage, I suddenly burst into tears. I knew that he was very ambitious, and I knew that he wasn’t in the position to reject the instructions give to him – I understood all these principles, but I simply felt wronged, and I desperately needed an outlet to vent.

Mr. F hugged me whilst allowing me to cry freely. When I finally stopped crying, he suddenly told me that if I truly experienced so much pain and disappointment when I was together with him, then we ought to go our separate ways. He was extremely calm and composed when he said this. Strangely, I was extremely collected at that precise moment, and simply dried my tears before agreeing to his suggestion. Mr. F then speedily helped me handover another year’s rent before removing his items.

That was how we broke up.

Two months after we broke up, upon receiving news that Mr. F had broken up with me, Hao Wu Yi flew into a rage and rushed over to look for Mr. F. Although Hao Wu Yi originally intended to beat him up, she nearly couldn’t recognize him when she saw him – he was so haggard and wan that he could pass off as a zombie. When Hao Wu Yi returned, she told me to reconcile with Mr. F, as the only reason why he broke up with me was because he couldn’t bear to see me suffer from so much pain and disappointment. Mr. F truly loved me – more than I could ever imagine.

My brother helped Mr. F along by providing him with various ideas. My brother told him that I was extremely soft-hearted, and that as long as Mr. F could find an excuse to send me a message, Mr. F and I would reconcile before we knew it.

Finally, Mr. F sent me a message: Originally, I wanted to remind you to wear an additional layer of clothing due to the cold weather, but…… Dammit, it has been bright and sunny the entire past week.

As I read the message, tears flowed down my cheeks whilst a smile formed on my face.

Subsequently, Mr. F confessed that on the night that we broke up, he stood by the roadside, smoking. Whilst he was smoking his cigarettes, he somehow choked on the fumes and tears started streaming down his face. It was the first time in his entire life that he felt utterly useless.

In the past, whenever I interacted with Mr. F, he was always the more aggressive and stronger party. It was only at that moment that I realized that everyone is equal in love, that Mr. F would also suffer from a lack of confidence, that Mr. F could also be afraid and weak at times, that Mr. F could also be extremely careful in relationships, because he wasn’t entirely sure how to go about loving another person.

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I believe that love isn’t about one party leading the other. Instead, it’s about both parties slowly learning and growing together, until both parties reach a certain point when they feel secure and grounded in the relationship. If liking another party inspires in one a desire to share everything good with that person, then loving another party includes the additional element of being willing to share in the other party’s burdens and difficulties as well.

I know that the journey is extremely long, but thankfully, one’s lifetime is extremely long, and I intend on slowly learning and growing together with him.

002

One night, Mr. F attended a gathering organized by his company. In the middle of the night, I received a call from his colleague who explained that I would be required to pick Mr. F up as he was extremely drunk. Apparently, Mr. F refused to leave, and was obstinately hugging the beer bottles whilst hollering for me.

I was at a loss as to whether to cry or laugh, and simply hurried over after changing into a more appropriate outfit. As I was driving home, Mr. F sat at the front passenger’s seat, and stared at me with his bight eyes. Whenever Mr. F is drunk, he morphs into an extremely cute little child, and would answer whatever questions that are posed to him.

As such, I teased him, “Who are you?”

“XX!” He announced his name loudly.

“Then who am I?”

“Sophie Marceau!”

What? Is Mr. F even thinking straight? “It’s impossible for Sophie Marceau to come and fetch you! I’d give you one more chance – who am I?”

“Audrey Hepburn!” He laughed goofily.

I had no choice but to follow his train of thought, “Who’s prettier – Audrey Hepburn or Sophie Marceau?”

He shook his head vigorously, “Both aren’t pretty!”

“Oh? Who’s considered pretty then?”

“My wife!”

“Who’s your wife?”

“Joey!”

Ah, I guess Mr. F wasn’t drunk after all.

When we reached home, I urged Mr. F to proceed with washing up. Mr. F refused to heed my advice, instead choosing to hug me and addressing me, “Wifey.” After hugging me for a period of time, he suddenly delved into a sentimental mood, “I have to treat you better.” When I asked why he thought that way, he replied, “You’re just a small little girl, but you chose to leave your hometown, and willingly suffered in a foreign land all because of me.”

I was extremely happy upon hearing his words, as he had addressed me as a ‘small little girl’. Nowadays, whenever I meet young children on the streets, they would always politely address me as ‘Auntie’.

He was rather speechless, “Wouldn’t a normal person feel touched upon hearing the latter half of my speech?” He mulled over the issue for some time before concluding, “Ah, but my wife is simply so special and unique.”

I burst into laughter.

In actuality, I never ever felt as though I was forced to leave my hometown. Admittedly, when I first arrived in Beijing, I suffered a lot. At that time, I rented a house along with a few other tenants, and all of us were required to share the usage of the bathroom and the kitchen. During that period of time, my biggest wish was to have a separate bathroom which I could use independently. It was considered a luxury to have a bathtub in the bathroom, and I always felt that my life would be complete if my bathroom did indeed come along with a bathtub.

Furthermore, Mr. F and I were staying at the opposite ends of Beijing during that period of time. As such, I would happily squeeze onto the train after work every single day in order to meet him for dinner. Normally, Mr. F was required to work overtime till it was rather late in the night; thus, we usually settled our dinners at stalls set up near his company. Although there was a roadside stall selling delicious Mala Soup in the vicinity of his company, Mr. F prohibited me from eating it, citing hygiene reasons as justification. Ah, Mr. F always has one or two odd things which he continuously persists in – for instance, he never ever takes medication whenever he catches a cold, and he never ever eats from roadside stalls. However, Mr. F ultimately relented in the face of my incessant nagging. After all, our careers had just begun to take off at that point in time, and both of us were rather cash-strapped.

When Mr. F first entered the workforce, he placed his trust in the wrong person, and ended up being used as a scapegoat. At that time, Mr. F was saddled with a huge stack of debts, and was nearly blacklisted in his profession. Desperate, Mr. F had no choice but to seek his father for help. Upon learning what had happened to Mr. F, Mr. F’s father transferred the money to Mr. F’s account without a moment’s hesitation. Mr. F told me that when he saw a message from the bank notifying him about the successful transfer, he felt extremely ashamed of himself.

Mr. F’s life had, up to that point, always been extremely smooth-sailing, and he had never encountered any setbacks or obstacles. As such, when Mr. F first got entangled into that mess, he was on the verge of a mental breakdown – not only did Mr. F frequently stare into space for hours, he also suffered from insomnia every night. Whenever he was unable to sleep, Mr. F would crawl up from his bed and work like a maniac, only stopping in the morning when it was time for him to go to work. During that period of time, Mr. F survived on little to no sleep.

Subsequently, Mr. F told me that if it weren’t for my sudden appearance in Beijing, he would most likely have continued in that manic state for an extremely long period of time. Till today, I still feel extremely thankful and lucky that I was by Mr. F’s side during his darkest days. Before I arrived in Beijing, I had absolutely no idea that Mr. F was at the lowest point in his life. Had I known earlier, I would have come over earlier in order to accompany him.

One of the incidents that left an extremely deep impression on me was when Mr. F fell in love with a table lamp whilst we were shopping at IKEA. The lamp cost 799 RMB – as it was considered rather expensive for us during that period of time, we left regretfully without purchasing the lamp. When my salary arrived that month, the very first thing I did was to purchase the lamp as a gift for Mr. F.

I told him, “I believe that the obstacles and difficulties which we’re currently undergoing is a necessary experience that we have to go through – being cash-strapped, suffering from high stress levels, and the inability to achieve success……these are all events that everybody would experience. Thus, you don’t have to worry, and you don’t have to feel anxious. You can simply take it slow. Worst comes to worst, I’ll earn enough to take care of you for the rest of your life.”

Subsequently, Mr. F and I changed our accommodation several times, but the lamp always accompanied us.

Out of curiosity, I asked Mr. F a while ago, “Did I ever say anything that left a very lasting and deep impression on you?”

“When you offered to take care of me for the rest of my life.”

“Oh? Were you very touched then?”

He replied, “No, I was so angry I couldn’t fall asleep the entire night.”

“Why??”

“Even if one of us have to take care of the other, it ought to be me taking care of you. Don’t ever say such things again in the future.”

Ah, sometimes I truly fail to understand Mr. F’s temper.

003

As I woke up exceptionally early this weekend, I decided to head to the nearby grocery store to purchase some daily goods. When I left the house, the sky was extremely cloudy. With a heart filled with hope that I would be able to successfully return home before it rained, I decided not to bring an umbrella along with me.

Upon reaching the grocery store, I speedily purchased the necessary goods. However, just as I stepped out of the grocery store, the torrential rain began to pour. After waiting for a period of time, I decided to call Mr. F as the rain showed no signs of letting up. When I left the house earlier, Mr. F was still sleeping.

“Have you woken up?”

“What’s up?” Mr. F sounded as if he had just woken up.

“Could you come to Carrefour to pick me up? It’s raining and I didn’t bring an umbrella.”

He muttered about my forgetful nature before hanging up the phone. As I stood at the entrance of the grocery store watching the rain gradually lessen, I started to feel pangs of regret for waking him up – I ought to have let him sleep in for a longer period of time.

Suddenly, I recalled a certain incident that occurred during Year 3 of High School. Similarly, it happened to be raining that day. As I had forgotten to bring an umbrella, I was reduced to standing at the school entrance, waiting for the rain to stop. During that period of time, my relationship with Mr. F was rather strained and awkward, as various people often teased him as being my ‘rumored boyfriend’. As I was rather introverted and shy, I was always terribly embarrassed and at a loss as to what to do whenever I got teased. As such, I tried my best to avoid him. Mr. F probably sensed that I was avoiding him, and gradually stopped talking to me.

That day, as I was standing below the roof of the school compound, I saw him and a bunch of other male students from walk out from the Science school building. Without a moment’s hesitation, I lowered my head and pretended as though I hadn’t seen him. When the huge group of students walked past me, I spotted Mr. F walking at the side of the group nearest to me. However, Mr. F didn’t greet me nor did he show any indication of having noticed me.

When the huge group had walked some distance away, I raised my head and gazed at his back, my heart filled with pangs of sorrow and melancholy. I can’t accurately describe the feelings I had at that point in time – it was as though I was harboring hopes that something special would happen as he walked past me, but at the same time, I also wished that nothing would happen. As I was watching his figure fade into the distance, his figure suddenly stopped. Mr. F abruptly turned back and ran towards me, stuffing his umbrella into my hands before running off amidst the group’s raucous laughter. Throughout the entire process, he never said a single word.

According to my memories, Mr. F was always quiet and silent during his youth. Frequently, my recollections of our interactions are akin to scenes from a silent movie. Although he never said a single word, I could always feel his presence – he was like a lamp which would never ever go out, always responsibly and dependably lighting up his surroundings.

Before long, Mr. F arrived at the entrance of the grocery store, and pressed the car horn in an attempt to alert me of his arrival. He then began to park the car whilst simultaneously talking on his mobile phone. The moment I laid eyes on him, a sense of ecstasy overcame me, and I ran towards him in the rain. However, Mr. F frantically signaled for me to ‘go back’ – thus, I obediently returned to the entrance of the supermarket where I was sheltered from the rain.

Mr. F alighted from the car, and began to walk towards me with an umbrella. When he reached me, he hurriedly ended his conversation on the mobile phone. Just as I thought that Mr. F was going to lecture me on failing to bring an umbrella along with me, he surprised me by asking, “Why didn’t you wake me up? I could have come along with you.”

“Since it’s a weekend, I wanted to let you sleep in for a longer period of time.”

During the trip home, I was unable to stop myself from staring at Mr. F. Mr. F was rather puzzled, “What are you looking at? I haven’t washed my face.”

“That’s strange. In the past, I used to think that you were only good looking when you put on a suit. However, now that I look at you, even though you haven’t washed your face, haven’t combed your hair, and haven’t changed out of your sleeping attire, I still find that you’re extremely handsome.”

Mr. F was delighted, “Your husband is always handsome – regardless of how he dresses.”

All of a sudden, I declared, “I love you.”

He was momentarily stunned, “What’s up? Why the sudden declaration?”

“It’s nothing. I just suddenly felt like telling you that.”

The car was stuck on the congested road for a long period of time. Beijing’s roads are always congested, its air quality is terrible, and the city is simply too huge, with massive crowds at every turn. However, despite the thousands of reasons I could list explaining why I dislike Beijing, I have nevertheless chosen to make my home here – all because of one single reason: the person I love is in this city.

Love allows us to gradually remove the sharp edges of our youth, and give each other the warmest and most gentle hug amidst the massive and congested crowd. I know that this is a world where everything is prone to change, but in all honesty, the person right before me has allowed me to have a glimpse of eternity.