Jujutsushi Wa Yuusha Ni Narenai

Chapter 22: Courage and Madness

I wonder, what am I even doing?

“WaAAAAAA!”

I’m running through the dungeon passages raising my pathetic yells. Swaying my heavy body.

“GueRaaa!”

From behind, I can hear the vulgar cries of Goma.

And right now I’m running away. By myself. Leaving behind my life saviour, my only ally, that small, sweet classmate of mine; leaving behind Momokawa Kotarou.

“Haa… Haa… aa…”

I have to help. I can still make it. I need to go back to help right now— Even if I keep thinking that over and over, my body refuses to act. Forget stopping, my legs only accelerate. Trying to gain distance, even the tiniest bit faster, I run for my life.

I’m the worst. Repaying my debt with a stab in the back. I, as a human being, am the absolute worst.

Deserting Momokawa-kun, not acting the least bit to go help, running away as fast as I possibly can… The me who kept running even now, she was a pile of unsalvageable trash.

My chest is bursting in worry for him. My heart is crushed in self-loathing. The endless stream of tears escaping from my eyes isn’t only from fear.

Yet, my body gives priority only to its own survival instinct. My reasoning mind looking back at my actions seemed to be clearly cut of from my instincts driving my body forward.

What ruled over the faculties controlling my body, was simply and only, pure terror.

That my pathetic will would be unable to overcome this foreboding… was a fact made painfully obvious from my experiences up to now.

That’s right. In the end, I was only a wimpy pig. Kisaragi-san, Natsukawa-san, Satou-san, them abandoning me was only natural. Even the kind Momokawa-kun is undoubtedly resenting me for one-sidedly deserting him.

Aah, maybe as a Shaman, Momokawa-kun can curse this deplorable me. If so, I’d prefer he curse me to death. If I were to be stabbed by Goma anyway, I’d much rather die receiving retribution from his curse.

“—Ah!?”

My conscience swimming in a torrent of guilt, is brought back to reality. For an instant, my body underwent a floating sensation. And right after, came a shock.

“A… ouch!”

I had stumbled on something, and thunderously fell down. Was it a stone, some rubble, or perhaps tree roots that tripped my legs. I don’t know, but neither do I care.

At any rate, right here, my escaping had come to a stop.

“…Hii!?”

Behind me was a bend in the passage. And from beyond there, I echoed the Gomas’ grunts. Very soon would I hear even their savage exhalations.

“A-aah… No…”

Will I be dying here?

No. I don’t wanna die. Loudly screamed the ugly instincts that made me run all the way here.

And, even thinking reasonably, I didn’t want to die. That’s what I had answered. That I didn’t want to die yet, when Momokawa-kun had asked.

Don’t wanna die, I don’t want to die. But my real wish— I want to help.

I, wanted to help Momokawa-kun. I wanted to become his strength. I still haven’t, repaid him the slightest bit.

Having him heal the wound in my stomach, having him take me as an ally. Not having the courage to finish off the Red Dog, shamefully getting him to do it with me when stabbing that bait Goma.

What Knight. I’m always, I’m only being protected. Only being, given to.

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But, no matter how much I regret, not matter how much I look back on what ifs, I can’t make myself take real action. When the time comes, I don’t act.

I lack courage.

A bit, I need just a tiny bit. Just enough to still, when I cower in fear. Just enough to halt, when I scramble to run.

I want it. I want courage.

If I only had that, I could—

“…A”

It appeared in my teary, blurry field-of-vision.

My right hand. I was, holding something there. A dirty, brown pelt bag. White powder tumbling from within. Half having dropped onto the passage, and the other half, smeared onto my hand and arm.

It must’ve gotten out when I fell. This, Goma’s narcotic.

“’Kay, let’s see here… when ingested, it uplifts the spirit and eases fatigue, you get into a state of extreme high, and furthermore, has a strong addiction factor— wait, this is a drug!”

Bleck! went Momokawa-kun’s expression, it was pretty cute. Wait no, not that; right, with his Shaman powers, he was deciphering the attributes of this drug.

Usage was per inhalation. Effects: uplifting the mind, and alleviating weariness. Additionally, causing great excitement.

“Hey, Momokawa-kun… If I used this, could I…”

Drugs, bad, don’t. Words like that come to mind.

However, for me at this moment, the laws and ethics of Japan stand for zero use. They won’t stand, for the tiniest use. Because right now, I’m in a dungeon. A do-or-die survival, one where there’s even the possibility of fellow classmates killing each other; a phantasmal scenario.

“Even I, become strong…”

Thinking like that, there’s no need to hesitate.

This narcotic, this devil’s white powder covering my hand, it’d only take a whiff. Even I could do something that trivial.

“Momokawa-kun, please give me… courage…”

With a fierce prayer, I put my hand to my mouth and—

“—ooOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

Eh, what, what’s this, it’s great. Great, it’s amazing!

Mo-moving, my body’s moving. Welling up, power. From the pit of my stomach, from the depths of my chest. Overflowing, ohh, it’s coming, rising. Power all over my body, feels as if it’s exploding!

“O, AaAAA!”

My body’s light. Rising. soaring. Like a feather dancing in the wind, my body feels exceedingly nimble.

I turn. With just that basic act, I feel like I’ve burst off. Can’t control, this power. I can’t settle myself.

“BugE!Ge, GuEAA!”

It jumps out in front of me, this black, black, person shaped, ahh, what was it, who was it, this thing.

It’s bright. Was it, always this bright? See, I can see, better than just before, vividly, my eyes are crystal clear.

So I saw it. The black thing coming at me. What’s that its hand? That shiny thing. Dangerous, that’s sharp, and dangerous.

“Haa… Fuu!”

If a fly got close, you’d brush it away right? Even if it didn’t touch you, just by reflex. Go away, shoo.

It’s the same. But, it’s different. It touched. Just slightly, on my palm, it touched.

“BuGE—”

Plop, like a water-balloon, it blew off. Fragile, fleeting. The black thing, isn’t there anymore. All that remains, is the dark red that coils my hand. Disgust, I don’t feel it. I mean, I’m used to blood. It’s unavoidable in cooking. Even this raw stench.

But, one must be quick to wash it off. Huh, where was the sink again?

“GaBURA!? GuENZEra”

Not giving me the time to wash, the black ones keep coming. Passage-fulls of them. Plap-plap, pitter-patter, quiet, shut up. The heck, are these—

“Aa… Bu-UaAAAAA…”

Ah, I remember. Goma, these are Goma. Momokawa-kun called them that. Momokawa-kun said that, we’d kill the Goma.

“Go-maa… kill, gilll…”

Momokawa-kun said it, so we gotta do it. I have to do it. I must, do it for him.

“GoaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Beat, beat. I’ll beat, and beat, and crush. Do it, right now, I can do it, quite easily. Compared to kneading Hamburg steak, it’s child’s play.

The passage went red. When it did, the Goma were gone.

Ahaha, did it, I did it Momokawa-kun.

“Mo, Momo, kaa… -ku…”

Where. Hey, Momokawa-kun, where, where are you? I, did it see? The first time, I did it see, just like you said, Momokawa-kun.

Since I did it, now you’ll be happy right? You’ll laugh right? Momokawa-kun, I’m not, troubling you right?

So, you won’t abandon me right? You’ll be with me right?

But why Momokawa-kun, why aren’t you here?

“A-ah… AaAA—”

I have to look for him. I have to find him.

Ah, yeah, that’s wrong. That said it wrong. Why, did I forget I wonder. Something that important.

I remembered. Momokawa-kun, I have to help him.

“Fu, haa—”

Run run. I run, and run. Breathing doesn’t stammer. It isn’t painful. Full power, non stop, I can run. Right now I can run so, so fast.

Maybe that’s why, yup, that is why, I quickly found him.

“Sto…sta…aa…”

Momokawa-kun, was crying. In tatters, groveling on the floor.

Hey, why, how come you’re crying? How come you look so pained, so sad, so lonely.

“GuGue!”

The Goma, it kicked Momokawa-kun.

Seeing, watching that, watching his face crying, writhing in agony, watching that, having seen that, couldn’t, I couldn’t think anymore. My vision, my head, all dyed in red, red, blood red.

Slaughter.

“ooOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

Die, die, diediediedie. Everyone die, everything die. Everything that made Momokawa-kun cry will die. Kill, kill, I will KILL. One, two, three, everyone, everybody, everything, all of them, slaughter.

“—GoaAAAAAAAAA!”

Die, die, kill killed. Completely, every black I saw, I changed to red.

Where, where are they. The ones making Momokawa-kun cry, making him suffer. I won’t forgive them, I’ll never forgive them. Making Momokawa-kun, my Momokawa-kun—

“Fu, fuh!”

At some point, every one was gone. Someone had, made them all red and scattered them on the floor.

Ah, thank goodness. With that, there’s no one left who’d do mean things to Momokawa-kun. All of them died. All, I’d killed them all.

“Fuu…u, Aah… Mo, Momoka… -ku…”

“F-Futaba… -san…”

Huh, Momokawa-kun, he’s still crying. Still, shaking. What’s the matter, scared? Of what? Of whom?

It’s okay, it’s okay—

“Momo, kaWa, -kun”

It’s all okay now Momokawa-kun. I’m here, I’m here you know. It’s only me here.

“So it’s fine right, I can comfort you right?”

“Mo, Momo… Ka, aAa…”

“Hii!?”

He’s frightened. Poor Momokawa-kun, he’s so sweet. I want to comfort him, hold him. I don’t want to talk— I just, want him.

“Mo, AaaAAA!“

“UwaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Caught you! Yay, ahh, wow, small, you’re so little, Momokawa-kun. Take off my hands, I could lose him. Take away my eyes, and the same.

But, it’s okay. I’ll never, ever let you go. I won’t run anymore. So you too Momokawa-kun, don’t run away. Together forever, gyuu!

“Fu, haAAaa… Fu, taba-san! S-top!”

Ah, I see it. Just now, I saw it. From the collar of his gakuran, Momokawa-kun’s white neck. So slender, so ephemeral, ahh, so, so yummy.

“BuaAAAAAAAA!”

Yummy. You’re delicious, Momokawa-kun. I’ve never eaten anything so scrumptious in my whole life. Momokawa-kun’s flavor.

“GyaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

More, I need more. The first bite was amazing, that first bite, it starves me for more.

Not enough, more, give me more.

All of Momokawa-kun, give it to me.

“Red, FeveEEEEEEEERRRR!”

… Me… Your… Everything…

“You want it, then grasp it with your own power”

At the edge of my dimming consciousness, I heard a voice.

“Futaba Meiko, from now, your Vocation will be—”

I wonder who. Definitely isn’t Momokawa-kun. His voice is cute too, but not like a sensual woman’s tone.

And around there, I lost conscience.

“—Berserker”