Kitsune in the Shadows

Chapter 68 – Questions Without Answers

“I don’t know…”

We’ve now been travelling for a week, although nothing notable has happened, just like Joran told us. Every day just seemed to be exactly the same, the only difference being where we decided to set up camp for the night.

However, in spite of that, it really was only now that things had really started to sink in… many different things. I had really started to miss Mom; now that it was just Ava and me, it was starting to feel a little lonely. Not that I didn’t like Ava’s company; it was just… different.

This was also the first week in the last two years that I hadn’t gone to visit the temple… Hadn’t gone to visit Ovia… I thought I would be fine… but it was already starting to grate on me. I knew I could always talk to Ovia with the necklace… but…

I’m scared…

…

I pulled my hood down to give my ears a break from being held flat against my head. Night had fallen, but I’d decided to just stay in the wagon by myself. I didn’t like showing my ears off… even to the two who already knew… but that was probably just an excuse…

I… just need some time… alone…

…

…

What am I even doing?

Ever since John showed up… Ever since he said those things… I just couldn’t stop thinking about them. I couldn’t stop playing his words over and over again in my head.

…

I thought it just… didn’t matter anymore…

I thought I’d already given up on it…

…

I thought I was… happy… with where I am now…

…

My past… It’s all I’ve been able to think about since meeting John. His words had firmly engraved themselves into my mind. That conversation was the closest I had ever been to finding out more about myself… yet… I still didn’t know if I liked what I was told.

Unfortunately, those words were all I had… Ever since he brought it up, I had constantly been trying to think back, trying to remember something, anything, from before when I woke up in that alleyway, but all it resulted in were many piercing headaches that refused to go away for hours.

Why do I care so much?

I didn’t before… I’m… I’m happy now…

Aren’t I?…

…

I have Ava…

Mom… said she would come find me again… I… I know she will…

Can’t I just… be happy with that?

…

I pulled my pendant out from under my shirt and just stared at it… since the day we had set out, the gemstone in the middle had gotten much darker; in a little over a week, there would probably be no light left in it.

I have Ovia… and Aria too… I have so much now…

I don’t need anything else…

…

I don’t…

Looking down at the pendant, I could only feel guilty. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to Ovia… to respond to her… but I also couldn’t bring myself to take it off. Just hearing Ovia’s voice whenever she greeted me as I woke up or whenever she just checked up on me, even just her talking about whatever she had done that day, helped to calm me down, even if just for a moment.

What would she think?…

…

I tucked the pendant back into my shirt just as I felt myself starting to tear up.

What’s wrong with me?

As I tried to distract myself, John’s words once again started playing over and over again in my head.

…

There was one thing he said that I just couldn’t get over; it wasn’t the fact that he had apparently grown my body himself or that he had to change my soul to make it fit in the body he had prepared… it was… just… where did my soul come from?

He said it was just out of reach…

…

Just…. where is out of reach for a God?…

Where did I come from?

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…

What… was I?

What even am I?!

…

I just…

…

Why can’t I just be happy with what I have now?

…

I’m Kierra… isn’t that all that matters?

That train of thought had been playing over and over again just as often as John’s words had, yet it didn’t seem to matter. I could never find an answer to any of my questions.

…

Do I… even belong here?

John said he got in trouble when someone found out… doesn’t that mean… I’m a problem?

…

At that moment, Umbra jumped out of my shadow, carrying my Ovia plushie in their mouth. They quickly sat down on the bench opposite me and set the plushie before staring into my eyes.

Why’d you bring that out?…

…

I started reaching for the plushie but promptly stopped myself.

I don’t…

I just…

…

“I just… don’t know…”

“What don’t you know?”

The unexpected question made me jump in my seat before immediately grabbing the plushie and hiding it at my side. As I looked out the back of the wagon, I saw that it was just Ava. She was carrying a small lantern along with two bowls filled with stew… again…

“Scoot over,” She said as she climbed into the wagon, “I’m not going to let you go hungry, so I’ll have to watch over you to make sure you actually finish your food this time.”

…

I must’ve worried her…

…

I hadn’t had much of an appetite over the last few days… Honestly, I hadn’t felt much of a need for anything, be that food, drink or even sleep. Whatever was going through my mind was just… more important.

“Mm,” I moved across so Ava could sit next to me.

“Good. I think the stew will be pretty good today,” She handed me one of the bowls with a smirk, “It was made by Elwyn, but he’s taken on a few tips from the very best.”

…

I just stared at the bowl… it looked good… great even… but it didn’t feel like there was any room in my stomach for it.

“Come on, at least take a bite. I promised Mom I’d look after you.”

…

I brought the bowl up to my mouth but couldn’t taste anything.

I don’t know…

…

“Oh, hello, Umbra,” Ava gave Umbra a scratch under the chin, “I haven’t seen you around in a little while.”

“*Yip*”

“Hmm? Are you telling our little fox to eat up? I agree. She could really do with a hot meal in her belly.”

“I’m not-” For some reason, I just couldn’t finish my retort.

…

…

“Look, I was going to wait until you said something to me,” Ava took a sip from her bowl, “But you’ve been getting quieter and quieter by the day. I feel like I might miss my chance if I don’t at least try to do something now.”

…

I’m sorry…

“What’s going on? You were busy saying that you didn’t know something,” A smirk crept across her face again, “I have two whole years on you. You never know what kind of wisdom might have come with my age. So, can I help?”

…

No… how could you?…

I…

…

No one can…

…

“… No…” I couldn’t just stay silent after seeing how worried I was making her.

“Hmm… that makes things difficult” She leaned back on the bench as she finished off her stew, “So it’s something that’s on your mind… but I can’t help you…”

…

I’m…

“… Sorry,” My voice was hardly a whisper.

“Well, that’s no good. You don’t need to be sorry for something like this,” She gave me a slight nudge, “It isn’t your fault that you’ve got a lot on your mind. It happens to everyone.”

“…”

“Hey, I can’t exactly give you any advice that will magically fix your problem; healing magic doesn’t work on the mind after all, but there is still something I can do,” She shuffled about on the bench so she was facing me, “I’m going to ask you a simple question. Will you sitting here thinking about it make things any better? Or is there something you could do right now that would make you feel better?”

…

I…

If I could just… remember…

…

“… No…” I eventually admitted.

…

“Then wouldn’t it be better for you to stop thinking about it?” She asked, “I’ve been watching whatever this is eat away at you pretty much since we set out on this trip, and really, I don’t think it’s going to do you any good to keep on worrying about it, at least not right now.”

But I…

I don’t know who I was…

…

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore…

…

I’m only here right now because of some note!

The only reason I’m with you now is because you took me in!

…

What am I doing?

…

I just…

I don’t know who I was… I don’t know who I’m going to be…

…

I don’t even know if I know who I am right now…

…

I just…

“I don’t know… I really just… don’t know…” I instinctually squeezed the plushie that was next to me as I fought to hold back my tears.

“Just give it a go,” Ava ruffled my hair, “Come back to it when you’re ready, ‘cause you clearly aren’t at the moment.”

“…”

It’s not that easy…

…

“Let’s try doing something else then; maybe that will help clear your mind,” Ava started to take off her cloak, “Just like you and your adorable ears, I really need to stretch my wings a bit. As I’m sure you can imagine, it doesn’t feel great to have them folded against my back like this.”

“Wait!” Even before she finished taking her cloak off, I could guess what was about to happen.

Unfortunately, I was a bit too late.

As soon as Ava’s wings were free of her cloak, they exploded outwards, filling the entirety of the wagon in little more than a single moment. The sudden movement made Umbra leap all the way from the other bench into my lap just before they were engulfed.

…

“Whoops, I… probably should have expected that to happen,” She chuckled.

Her laugh was strangely infectious and soon enough, I found myself laughing along with her.

“Now that’s a much better look for you,” Ava said as she slowly brought her wings back in.

Wait…

Was that… intentional?

…

…

“Thank you…” I muttered.

“That’s what I’m here for.”

…

I wish… it was really that simple…

…

Despite what I had just said, I knew deep down that it wouldn’t last. These weren’t the kind of questions I could forget about just because I laughed a little.

…

I quickly finished off the rest of the stew, this time being able to taste it ever so slightly.

Though… I do feel a little better…

…

Just a little…

“Hey, I don’t know if this news will help you, but as of today, we’ve officially passed the halfway point of this trail. I’m sure you’ll start feeling better once we can get out and about. I’ll make sure you won’t have enough time to get lost in your thoughts like this,” She wrapped one of her wings around me, “I can promise you that much.”

…

Would you say the same if… you knew who I was?

No, Kierra…

Don’t…

Please…

I…

…

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I just be…

…

Once again, I found myself squeezing my Ovia plushie. The slight chill from its fur helped to calm me back down.

…

I… I can…

…

I can at least… put on a face… right?

I stopped trying to hide the Ovia plushie and just brought it onto my lap right next to Umbra.

I know I’m just worrying everyone by being like this…

…

“Ooh, looks like you picked up something new,” Ava said as she peered down at my lap, “You know what? I bet it would feel great to fall asleep while hugging that nice and tight. Don’t you think? Why don’t you give it a go? Might also help to get rid of those dark circles under your eyes.”

…

As if agreeing with Ava, Umbra dived back into my shadow, leaving me with the plushie and no way of putting it back.

…

Is this supposed to be… Ovia helping me again?…

Ovia… Ava… Umbra…

…

I can’t keep worrying everyone… I’ll just…

…

Later… I’ll think about it later…

“Alright…” I said, already feeling rather tired due to how little sleep I had gotten recently, “I’ll try… but… can you stay?”

“I’m not one to turn down a request like that from my little sister,” Ava wrapped her other wing around me, completely engulfing me in her feathers, “Now, get some sleep. I’ll keep watch for you, okay?”

It didn’t take long until my eyelids were too heavy for me to keep open. Despite that, there was still someone else I needed to speak to, just… to stop them from worrying.

…

‘Good night, Ovia.’

Before I got a response, I felt myself drift off to sleep.