Losing My Religion

Part 2, Chapter 2

Amber

Katie was a teenage girl with dark skin, curly hair, and a tall, thin frame that she wasn’t old enough to have filled out yet. The girl in front of me was different in only a couple of ways: her skin was violet, her hair was white, horns adorned her head, and she had a thin tail flicking behind her.

“Oh,” I let out, tension giving way to dread.

Her pleading eyes started into me. “You won’t tell Mom, right? You promised…”

My head jerked in each direction, lost between whether it was supposed to shake or nod.

The practical side of me stepped in, taking charge and making sure things got done. “I’ll give you my textbook on demons as soon as possible, I’m sure there’s a bunch of important information in there about controlling your urges.” 

I left unsaid the implication of what would happen if she didn’t control her urges, if she sucked someone dvery. Then, it wouldn’t matter whether I wanted to tell our mother or not.

She stared down at the floor, ashamed. “Okay…”

Katie had already studied Scarlet’s Guide to Defense Against Demons, but she hadn’t yet had a need for my reference book on demonic biology by the same author.

Lily’s face popped into my head again. “And I’m friends with a succubus at school, she’s…” I blinked, losing my train of thought in the sea of things I could say about Lily. “She can give you some advice,” I settled on.

If there was ever a demon I would let anywhere near my little sisters, it would be Lily – although I would have to supervise them, just to make sure Lily didn’t give any misinformation.

I sat next to Katie, pulling her into my arms and rubbing her back. “It’s okay, we’ll take care of this together…”

She started to sniffle, face buried in my shoulder. “She… she broke up with me…”

I stifled a sigh, as well as the urge to celebrate that my young, impressionable apprentice wasn’t dating anyone, instead, murmuring reassurances into her ear.

She continued, “She said she couldn’t trust me anymore…”

“It’s okay, we’ll figure out how to get this under control, and then no one has to know.”

Lily

I sat in a dimly lit pizza parlor, the tables almost as greasy as the food they served. It was delicious but indulgent, something that I would regret eating later – or maybe not; maybe being a succubus protected me against the kinds of mundane consequences humans would have to deal with. 

Humans like Chris, the man sitting across from me. Even after I’d changed my gender, changed my name, and changed my major to theology, we still hung out together.

It was different during winter break, without the convenience of sharing classes or the newness of my condition still bringing us together.

I watched as he ate the majority of the pizza we’d ordered, something that only made sense given his size relative to mine, my supernatural powers, and the fact that he’d paid for it. 

That was another new thing; after falling out with my father I now had to worry about money. Thankfully, I had enough saved up to cover myself if I was frugal for the next semester or two, but I’d need to get a job soon no matter what.

Chris set the crust left over from his slice down on his plate and slid it to me. “So, how’s the roommate situation going?”

I grabbed the piece of crust and started nibbling on it, turning over my cohabitation with Amber in my head. “It’s… strange.” I shrugged and made a ‘so-so’ gesture with my hand. “These past few days I've felt closer to her than I ever have before, and it’s great that I get to see her so often, but…”

He stared into me, eyebrow raised. “But?”

“It feels like something is missing,” I sighed, “Maybe I’m just having a hard time getting it through my head that we aren’t together anymore, even though it’s been a couple months…” 

I neglected to mention the other important part of how I felt: the fact that because of Amber I’d had a small excess of magic supply without having any sex or physical intimacy with anyone. Amber and I occasionally hugged, but I hadn’t had sex with anyone since I stopped going to church. 

Abstinence was nice to alleviate some of the guilt I still felt about that, although it did linger, invading my mind at random times.

Chris, as far as I was aware, assumed that either Amber and I were bonking, or I’d found someone else to feed me. I didn’t know how to explain the situation, nor did I want to, given the rush of mortification I felt whenever I thought about it.

He nodded. “Yeah, I guess it’s weird that you guys are still so close after breaking up,” he shrugged, a smirk dancing across his face, “Isn’t that a sapphic stereotype anyways: make friends with all of your ex’s?”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever…” I still wasn’t comfortable labeling my sexuality yet; even the fact that liking women made my gay was something that was difficult to wrap my brain around.

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I pressed forwards, eager to think about something other than Amber or my sexuality. “So how are you doing on the romantic front, find any cute boys yet?” 

Chris’ smirk dissipated. “Uh… no.” He pulled out his phone and glanced at the time. “Oh, we need to get going so we can make it to the movie on time…”

I narrowed my eyes at him. He’s hiding something… He must have a crush on someone, but he’s too embarrassed to talk about it, how cute!

I let him get away with the clumsy change in subject and followed in his footsteps as he led me to the movie theater, where we’d already planned on going to next. There was a supernatural romance playing – a story about a vampire woman and a werewolf dude – that he’d invited me to.

When we took our seats, I raised the armrest between us and leaned on his shoulder without a word. No matter how much magic I had, the process of getting more was always enjoyable, and I hummed in satisfaction at the soothing warmth that radiated out from him. 

Amber is enough by herself to make sure I don’t starve, but why not both of them together? The more the merrier…

—

I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the sun and yawning as we escaped the theater after the movie. 

“Damn, that movie was kind of terrible,” I complained.

Chris turned to me, bemused more than anything, and ruffled my hair. “Didn’t you sleep through most of it?”

I glowered, poking a finger into his side in retaliation. “Only because the stupid werewolf was so boring!” 

My tone took on a mocking lilt, “Oh look at me, I’m such a bad boy wolf, I turn into a dog sometimes, beware of my bite.”

Chris stared at me, mouth hung open. 

I continued, “Stupid werewolves think they’re so cool and badass when they’re actually just puppies. And like, puppies can be cute, but I’m so not into the whole bad boy thing”

“...”

I startled, eyes going wide, “Wait, are werewolves real? Was it racist to say that?”

“Um, Lily, now might not be the best time to tell you, but I’m a werewolf…”

I covered my mouth, afraid I’d somehow say something stupider than what I’d already said.

“I’m not mad about what you said, but there’s definitely some people in my family that take the werewolf identity very seriously.”

“Oh,” I let out, relieved, “So you’re…”

He shrugged, maintaining his leisurely pace. “I thought you already knew and just never felt the need to voice it… I kind of appreciated it, honestly,” he laughed, “It’s never been as big of a part of me as some of the others, like yeah, I’m a dude with a big family, big deal.”

I hummed in agreement, keeping my steps close to his and otherwise remaining silent.

“Some of the supernatural people, the witches especially, can be really nasty and territorial, fighting over magic powers and resources, and… It’s just not my thing. I guess I’m part of it because I supply Amber, but… that’s more because we’re friends, even if she is a bit of… well, there’s a reason I call her a witch.”

I faked a glare at him. “Hey, that’s my roomie you’re talking about!”

Chris reached over and ruffled my hair again, laughing at my pout, and I leaned into the gesture, despite my expression.

Classes would start tomorrow, but things were looking up. I had two great friends, was more sure of myself, and would be starting work on a major I was actually interested in.

I’m so glad all of that craziness and drama from last semester is over.

—

“I’m back!” I yelled, my eyes scanning for any sign of Amber. We’d only been rooming together for a few days, but I already found myself expecting her to be there without thinking about it.

An incomprehensible yell answered me from her room, the mere acknowledgment of my existence, the knowledge that she was here in the same space as me, already causing a trickle of energy into me.

After I walked into my room, put my things away, and dressed in my pajamas – sweats, a sports bra, and a t-shirt – I returned to the living room, sitting on our couch and turning on the television. 

A few minutes later Amber strode out of her room, running a hand through her medium length black hair and stopping to stand to the side of the space between the tv and the couch. “Hey, Lily, how was your… how’s Chris doing?” Her lips were curled up but she wasn’t smiling.

Weird, I thought she was friendly with Chris…

“It was fun!” I grinned, “He’s doing well, and both of us enjoyed ourselves. How are you doing?”

She sighed. “I’m… stressed.” She pointed back towards her room, “I mean, really, I should be working on my…”

I pouted and stared up at her, “Are you sure you don’t need a break to de-stress?” I patted the space on the couch next to me, “There’s plenty of room for you to watch nonsense with me…”

Amber grimaced, eyes flicking between me and the couch. “I don’t want to impede on your leisure time…”

“C’mon, we both know I want to spend time with you, you aren’t fooling anybody. Now, if you don’t want to spend time with me, that’s okay, but you have to say that.”

Her eyes closed for a moment, and she walked over and plopped down next to me, resigned to her fate. “Fine, but just for a little bit. I really do have work to do.”

“Nope,” I told her, grinning mischievously.

Her head flicked to face mine, “What?”

“No, you’re going to stay here until you’re sufficiently de-stressed,” I scooted closer and grabbed her arm, hugging it to my chest, “And I’ll keep you here if I have to.”

She stared at me, flabbergasted for a moment, before giving up and returning her attention to the television.

A few minutes in relative silence passed and I leaned in closer, resting my head on her shoulder, still clinging to her arm. “Is this okay?” I whispered.

She nodded, but otherwise didn’t react.

Amber’s feelings were hard to figure out sometimes – all of the time, really. For as much as she’d made clear we wouldn’t have sex – twice, unprompted – she was very receptive to my physical affection, and sometimes initiated it herself, sitting closer than was necessary on the couch, sitting on the same side of the booth when we’d gone out to eat. 

It was a hundred little things that suggested that maybe she was as confused about our relationship as I was.

Maybe I was reading into it way too much, seeing things that weren’t there. Or maybe she was just fine with having a platonically touchy friend. 

The only way to know for sure would be to ask her and…

It seemed cruel to me, to disrupt what we had going. We had our chance at dating, and just because I want to get closer to her now, doesn't mean I want to date her… I think.

I sighed, snuggling into her side. Feelings are hard.

Amber

I clenched my fists, resisting the urge to yell. The herbs my mother had given me for my birthday sat on my new desk, well over half of the leaves already picked and used up, but even after a few days of doing experiments after class, I was still nowhere close to completing my goal.

Magic was frustrating at the best of times, when the math all worked out and the theories were correct. But sometimes – most of the time if I was being honest – the theories didn’t quite match up to reality, and you had to make guesses and estimations to nudge things in the right direction. 

In short, doing experiments with limited supplies was torture, where the amount of pain you received was inversely proportional to how good you were at feeling out the vibes in the materials. 

I picked another couple of leaves with my tweezers, carefully placing them in the middle of the magical circle I’d drawn, a geometrically pleasing shape on a piece of printer paper with esoteric symbols across the outer edge. Next were the other ingredients, the ones I had plenty of: werewolf saliva, a couple different mushrooms we grew back home, and then magical power channeled carefully from my body.

Last was the stone I was trying to enchant, a rough hunk of quartz I’d barely been able to lift to the top of my desk to rest near the output node on the circle. 

The circle lit up, and so did my face, until it started smoking and the herbs disintegrated, again.

My fist slammed down on the desk. “Fuck!”

I had at most three more tries, but there wasn’t anything left for me to try – at least not anything intelligent. Why isn’t this working?

I stood and stormed off into the living room to grab some water.

Lily, apparently already back from whatever after-class feeding session she’d had, was sitting on our couch, watching me as I moved across the room, anger still visible on my face. I was almost too angry to care about how she’d heard me cursing and slamming my desk. Almost.

“Uh… Is everything okay, Amber?” Her timid voice, sounding scared of my anger, shocked me to my core and dissipated my fury, leaving a resigned sadness in its place.

“Yeah… I’m just having a hard time with my magical experiment.”

She blinked, staring at me. “You know how to do magic?”

Has Chris not already told her that I’m a witch? I sent her a puzzled frown. “Yea? I’m trying to enchant this big rock thing.” 

You’re not supposed to be telling her that… What are you doing, Amber?

“Oh, is there something I could do to help? I have a bunch of extra energy!” Her grin after that statement curdled my stomach, and it took all of my willpower not to wince.

We’re not even together, why do I care who she has sex with?

Of course I care, she’s draining people’s magic…

I shook my head. It was none of my business, and the only way we could stay friends was if I didn’t think about what she was doing to other people. “No thanks, it’s not the kind of problem you can just throw power at.”

Her big doe eyes stared into me, the orange flakes in the brown irises giving me a haunting reminder of the things we’d done together in her orange-eyed form.

“Uh, maybe you can take a look at it…” I scratched the back of my head, trying to find a justification, “Two heads are better than one and all that. And if you don’t get it, maybe explaining it to you will help me work it out.”

Her expression brightened, and she jumped up, eagerly following me into my room. 

It was hard to reconcile with the person I thought I’d known, the person I dated, with who she was today, and her excitable demeanor was just one example.

Don’t forget how she’s fucking everyone on campus…

My brain really wouldn’t let me forget that.

I coughed, staring down at the circle on my desk and trying to regain my composure. “So, that's the circle, it’s supposed to put magic power into that hunk of rock, which will then do some stuff.”

Lily inspected my setup from all angles, a puzzled frown on her face.

Even if she has no idea what’s going on, she’s so fucking cute! 

I continued my explanation, not having much hope for her understanding it, especially given the performance I’d seen from her on her chemistry homework the previous semester. 

In fact, I didn’t want her to understand it, given that I was working with secret knowledge my mother had passed down to me. “I’m pretty confident in the ratios of these materials, all of the math is in that notebook over there, and the circle is a modification of the one I use for smaller crystals, with a higher throughput.”

She pointed to a set of runes on the edge of the circle, “Isn’t this not grammatical?”

I huffed a laugh and smiled, appreciating her attempt at a joke. 

She stared at me, waiting for an answer.

My smile dropped. “What do you mean?”

Her head tilted and her brow furrowed, “I mean it literally just says put rock in energy instead of put energy in rock? Is the grammar supposed to be backwards or…”

This isn’t a very funny prank Lily… “There’s no such thing as sentence structure when it comes to runes, they don’t have any concrete grammar.” I frowned.

“Runes?” She turned her focus to the paper again, “Oh, I thought this was just in English, but it's Demonic, no wonder…”

My frown deepened. “I’m not using anything demonic, these are just magic runes.” I shook my head, “I think you’re just seeing things, don’t worry about it too much, I’ve got it handled.”

She stared up into me for a moment, concerned, but listened to my not-so-subtle dismissal anyways, striding off and shutting herself in her room.

I stared at the circle in her absence. It didn’t make sense, what she said. My mother of all people would never mess with anything demonic; she’d spent a large portion of my apprenticeship on the possibility of fighting demons, and she’d made a lot of her riches – mundane and magical – on working with humans against demons.

And of course, I’d never touch demons either, being the good daughter that I was – or at least that I was trying to be.

I pointedly ignored the ways I’d already touched Lily in the literal sense, and how I continued to remain close to her. 

She doesn’t count – at least not if I can remain ignorant of her feeding habits.