Merchant Crab

“What?” the dumbfounded crab asked.

Being accustomed to dealing with humans as he was at this point, Balthazar realized he had never actually interacted much with their children, and being suddenly accosted by one of their miniature spawns took him by surprise. Especially given the subject of her spontaneous question.

“Have. You. Got. Any. Money?” the little girl asked again, mouthing each word slowly.

“Why are you asking me that, kid?” the slightly miffed crustacean asked back. “What’s it to you?”

The child shrugged. “Just trying to know if you’re worth investing my time.”

Balthazar’s left eyestalk rose, while the right one squinted at the sample-sized human. For some reason, this seemed to amuse her.

“What do you mean?” the merchant asked.

“No point in trying to offer my tour to someone if they don’t have two coins to rub together, mister,” she said, punctuating her explanation with a sassy head tilt.

The crab looked up and down at the little rascal. She wore simple peasant clothes, their faded colors telling him they had seen a fair share of wear, the biggest standout being her shoes. The moccasins were old and full of worn-out spots where the leather was starting to tear apart. Likely a hand-me-down, if he had to guess. Despite her lively attitude, Balthazar also thought her to be a little too scrawny, like someone lacking a couple of pies in their diet.

“Who says I still have parents?” the girl quickly riposted. “Did your parents never teach you not to answer a question with another question?”

“Who says I ever had parents?” the crab snappily retaliated.

The merchant and the little girl stared down at each other with squinting eyes as imaginary sparks crackled in the space between them.

“Alright, you want the tour or not?” the young local abruptly said, breaking away from the stare-down like she had simply gotten bored with it.

Finding himself suddenly unsure of what to do with his eyes, Balthazar scrambled his gaze around, trying to think of what to answer.

“What tour are you talking about?” he asked.

The little girl rolled her eyes and threw her head back with a sigh.

“You tourists can be so slow!” she bemoaned. “A tour of our guildhall. You’re clearly new around here, it’s written all over your dumb face with the way you look around in awe. Probably some rich traveler visiting the city for the first time, judging by the slave and expensive pet you’re bringing behind you.”

The merchant frowned and glanced back at Druma and Blue.

“Them?” he said. “They’re not my pets or slaves, they’re my friends!”

Showing genuine surprise for the first time, the little street urchin raised both eyebrows at the trio in front of her. “Oh. I never thought a lobster, a goblin, and a drake could be friends.”

“I’m not a lobster, I’m a crab!” exclaimed the exasperated arthropod. “How is it possible that you got goblin and drake right but not that?!”

“Whatever you say, mister.”

Despite his lack of experience with children, Balthazar felt certain they were not usually this impertinent.

“You’re pretty smart-mouthed for a kid,” he told her. “How old are you?”

“Ten,” she replied, before squinting one eye and looking up at the ceiling. “Wait, no, eleven. Maybe twelve? I lost count.”

“And you got a name?” the crab asked.

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“I do, but it’s mine and I wanna keep it,” said the sassy rascal. “If you’re looking for one, I can name you… Pincher! General Pincher.”

After throwing a disapproving glare back at the snickering goblin behind him, the merchant looked at the girl again. “Thanks, but I already have a name. It’s Balthazar.”

“Hmm,” she said. “That’s not bad either. Suits you pretty well. Heeey, hold on, who gave it to you, if you said you never had any parents?”

Balthazar paused, mouth open as he was about to deliver a comeback, realizing the kid was actually making a good question.

“Huh… I never really thought about that.”

“Anyway, you can call me Suze. Now, are you going to purchase my services or what? Time is money, and you’re wasting mine, mister.”

Brushing aside the momentary bout of existential dread over his given name, the crab returned to debating the little girl like a reasonable and mature adult would.

“And what services exactly are you offering, Suzie?”

“It’s Suze, not Suzie,” she corrected with great sass to her tone. “And I already told you, if you had been paying attention, mister. I can offer you a full tour of the guildhall and everything you need to know about it for just two crowns.”

Balthazar’s eyestalks rose slightly as his most primal instinct stirred within him: bartering.

“How about you give me the tour for one coin?”

“Are you really trying to haggle with a little kid?”

“You’re the one trying to negotiate with a crab, kid.”

“Two crowns. Not a coin less.”

The traveling merchant grumbled to himself for a moment, annoyed at the tough nut staring him down with her big brown eyes and arms crossed.

“Fine,” he said. “Then how about we make a trade instead?”

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“A trade?” she said, one tentative eyebrow raised. “For what? You got any snacks on you?”

“Not unless you consider dried fish a snack.”

“Blegh,” Suze said, throwing her tongue out in disgust. “No I don’t.”

“Me neither, but let me see here…”

Pulling his Backpack of Holding off his shell, Balthazar took a peek inside it, looking for something that not even he knew yet what it would be.

Hmm, this helmet is probably too big for her. Ah, what about… no, maybe not that. I don’t think I should offer a sword to a kid either. How about a shortsword?

“I’m not getting any younger here, mister,” the young girl said, tapping her foot on the floor.

“Aha!” the merchant suddenly exclaimed, reaching into his bag. “What if instead of two meager coins, I paid you with these… calipers?!”

Pulling his pincer out of the backpack, he revealed the slightly rusty tool.

Suze stared at the calipers for a moment, unimpressed.

“What’s that thing?”

Balthazar glanced up at the instrument he was still holding above his shell, before looking back at her.

“Calipers!”

“Uh… what are they for?”

He glanced up at the tool again, before bringing it down to eye level.

“I honestly have no idea.”

The little girl threw her arms out in exasperation.

“Then what am I supposed to do with them?!”

The crab shrugged, expressing his own share of exasperation.

“I don’t know! You’re a kid, aren’t you supposed to use your imagination, or something?!”

With an annoyed sigh, Suze swiped the calipers off Balthazar’s claw.

“Fine, whatever,” she said. “I know a scrap dealer I can squeeze a couple of coins from with this, if nothing else. We have a deal, I’ll give you a tour.”

“Yes!” the crab celebrated, pumping his pincer.

Surprisingly, he noticed that no notification of success for his dialogue skill appeared in his system as he would have expected.

Wait… Why did I even want a tour?!

“Alright,” said Suze, after securing the calipers against her belt. “Are you guys ready to begin the tour?”

Still standing at the entrance of the hall, with the occasional adventurer and local passing as they came and left the building, Balthazar looked back at his two companions and shrugged. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Are you sure?” the girl asked. “Because once I start it there are no breaks.”

The crab gave another shrug and a nod.

“If any of you needs to go tinkle, now’s the time to say it. Last chance.”

“Will you get on with it already?!” Balthazar said, clacking his pincers in frustration.

“Alright then!”

The little girl stepped in front of the three travelers, with her back to the archway that led to the rest of the hall. The crab, goblin, and drake wiggled forward with her.

Suze cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

“This is Marquessa’s Guild House. It’s at the very center of the city. Behind me to your left is the Adventurers Guild Hall.”

She raised her right arm and the three travelers followed her motion with their eyes. Across the atrium, through another large archway, was a section clearly dedicated to adventurers. All manner of warriors, rogues, and mages were moving about, some chatting at their tables, others leaning over counters, talking to the staff, and a few just hanging around corners, emptily staring at something in their sights that only they seemed to perceive.

The hall was grandiose and warm, mostly composed of wood, with large brass chandeliers hanging over rows of tables and chairs for tired adventurers to rest on while enjoying a meal or drink in between their quests.

It was easily the busiest section of the building, and also the loudest.

“To your right,” Suze continued, raising her other arm to bring their attention to the opposite side of the atrium, “is the hall of the Merchants Guild.”

Shifting his gaze to the room behind the girl, Balthazar immediately noticed how much quieter and orderly this hall seemed. Unlike the adventurer’s hall, the merchant’s foyer used a lot more stone instead of wood. Floors of polished granite and marble columns comprised most of the visible hall, with several curtains of exquisite texture separating different sections and rooms from prying eyes. The few figures occupying the open hall were much quieter and discreet than the loud adventurers across the atrium, with far less armor or weapons, and instead a lot more gowns and jewelry.

Despite the distance from it, Balthazar could somehow tell that the air in there was stuffier and full of perfume, with the general feeling it passed being a much colder and unfriendly one.

“And at the center behind me,” the precocious tour guide said, pointing a thumb directly behind her head, “is the main city hall. Most people go up to the counter if they have some boring thing to take care of there. The mayoral offices are above that, but they don’t let many people upstairs, only fancy rich people or big-shot adventurers. I tried sneaking in there once, but they kicked me out.”

The crab looked over her shoulder, his gaze landing on the wide counter past the circular atrium. Behind it, many young women with warm smiles and matching blue uniforms moved around while tending to the people coming up to their desks. On the wall past them were several wooden slots filled with several cards and pieces of paper the crab did not recognize, and above that a large pendulum clock.

Further up and framing the entire front desk was a mezzanine with curved stairs leading up to it on each side.

Balthazar noticed a figure of a lady in a dress standing up there by the railing, and their eyes met for a split second, but before he could take a better look at her, the woman had already moved away and out of sight.

“And that concludes our tour of Marquessa’s Guild House,” Suze loudly declared. “Thank you for coming, don’t forget to recommend me to all your traveling friends, and please leave a nice review on the town noticeboard. Bye-bye!”

As soon as the last words left her mouth, the little girl started skipping away from the crab and his friends, heading towards the front door.

“Wait, what? That’s it?!” the baffled crustacean said. “That was the whole tour?”

Suze stopped by the large wooden doors and looked back at the merchant.

“What did you expect for two crowns?”

Whipping her loose brown hair, the little girl turned and left the building with a smug look on her face.

“You little…”

Shaking his shell and deciding he had enough of getting distracted, Balthazar turned towards the front desk of the guild hall.

“Excuse me,” the giant crab said, his eyestalks barely reaching past the top of the counter.

“Oh, hello,” a girl in a blue outfit said, leaning over the countertop with a friendly smile. “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” Balthazar said, his pincer popping over the edge of the wooden surface, holding a letter. “First, I’ve got this letter here to deliver to… well, whoever is in charge around here.”

The guild house employee took the letter and looked at the signature on it.

“Ah, I see it’s from Lady Margo,” she said with an affected smile. “I’ll make sure it gets to the right hands, as all the other ones before.”

“Great, that’s my slice of pie paid for,” the peeking pair of eyestalks said. “Now, the other thing I was hoping someone here could help me with is…”

With some difficulty, and a fair share of awkwardness, the traveler plopped his open map on the counter for the guild assistant to see.

“I'm trying to find someone, and I need to find the right way to get to where he lives.”

The friendly smile returned to the girl’s face. “Oh, certainly! We can try to help you with that. Where are you trying to go?”

After stretching one eyestalk as much as he could to see the map, he followed that up with stretching his pincer over it to point at a marked location near the east shore of the continent.

“Right there, miss. That’s where I need to go.”

She leaned over the piece of parchment to look at where the crab was pointing, and her warm smile faded like a blown candle, replaced with a cold, pale expression.

“Oh, goodness,” the Marquessian girl said, bringing a hand against her collar in worry. “Are you sure that’s your destination?”

Balthazar double-checked where he was pointing with his other eyestalk. “Yeah, why? Is there a problem with that?”

A stern and commanding voice came from behind the crab, startling him, “You really don’t want to go there, Mr. Balthazar.”