My Beloved Concubine Only Wants to Eat Melons

Yuwen Lan strode into the hall, raising his eyes to behold what seemed like an ocean of jewels. The ornaments adorning the women's heads and bodies glittered dazzlingly in the lamplight.

The air was thick with the scent of powder and perfume. He slightly furrowed his brow and said softly, "You may rise."

The women complied, returning to their seats. Though they appeared to sit properly, they all secretly cast glances his way.

"Your Majesty's arrival seems to have made the hall even brighter," remarked Lady Zhou, the Noble Consort seated at the front. Yuwen Lan recognized her as the Empress Dowager's niece and his nominal cousin.

Today she was dressed like a large red lantern at the palace gate. Her smile appeared appropriate, but her inner voice was utterly venomous.

[These cheap women have all dolled themselves up to outshine me. It seems I'll need to teach them a lesson about proper etiquette.]

Having been able to hear others' thoughts for three years now, Yuwen Lan was accustomed to such hypocrisy. He merely said flatly, "I am no lantern. How could I make the hall brighter?"

A giggle was heard, and another woman nearby said, "Your Majesty is so witty. But the Noble Consort has always been so eloquent. How did she stumble today?"

This was Consort Ning. As the niece of the Princess Royal's husband, she had been forcibly sent into the palace by the Princess Royal. Yuwen Lan had met her a few times before and thus remembered her.

Of course, he could also hear this woman cursing Lady Zhou in her mind. [Hmph, she thinks wearing all red will outshine me. She should look in a mirror to see how ugly she is! My multi-treasure ruyi phoenix hairpin is far superior. It was worth every bit of those two thousand taels of silver. Look, His Majesty is glancing this way.]

This was likely the first time the Emperor had truly looked at her since she entered the palace. Consort Ning hurriedly straightened her back and put on a smile to welcome his gaze.

Unexpectedly, the Emperor merely glanced at the top of her head before lowering his brow and saying, "The ornament on your head seems quite expensive?"

Consort Ning froze, but Lady Zhou quickly interjected, "In my opinion, Consort Ning's hairpin must have cost no less than three thousand taels of silver. But the palace recently tightened its budget to support the snow disaster relief in the capital. I wonder where the Office of Imperial Treasures found the money?"

Consort Ning hastily explained, "Your Majesty, this, this was a gift from my aunt, the Princess Royal. It didn't come from the Office of Imperial Treasures."

She still felt uneasy, unsure if the Emperor would now investigate the Princess Royal's household.

Fortunately, Yuwen Lan said nothing more.

Because apart from the two women near him trading barbs, his ears were constantly bombarded with various voices—

[Hmph, these two stupid women are usually so arrogant. It's good to see them get a taste of their own medicine today.]

[I haven't eaten for three days just to fit into this corset dress. This Jinling brocade is truly exquisite. How could these coarse and clumsy country bumpkins ever catch His Majesty's dragon eye? Your Majesty, please look this way!]

[What if these two fools anger His Majesty and make him leave? I've been practicing my dance for three months and haven't had a chance to perform for His Majesty yet! Idiots, idiots!]

...

The mind-reading ability had its limits, so Yuwen Lan could only hear those nearby, but even these few were noisy enough.

He sipped his tea boredly, truly feeling that reading some official reports in his palace would be better than watching these women perform their tedious drama. If the Empress Dowager hadn't pressured him so much today, he would never have come.

At this moment, Yanshu, seated at the very back, was discussing the latest gossip with her system.

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[There's even gossip about the Emperor? What is it?]

System: [The Emperor is impotent.]

Yanshu: [...What?]

System: [The Emperor is impotent.]

Yanshu: [??? Impotent? You mean he can't... perform?]

System: [Exactly right.]

Yanshu nearly spat out her hot tea. [Is that true? You're not joking, are you?!]

System: [? Are you questioning this system's professional standards? Has this system ever joked?]

Yanshu: [But how can this be? He's the ruler of a nation!!!]

System: [Men, you know, they all have their unspeakable troubles. Isn't an emperor still a man?]

Yanshu: [...]

That was true. In the two years she had been gossiping with the system, she had seen all kinds of peculiar men in the world. Cross-dressers, those preferring men, violent types, drunkards, gamblers, and the like were a dime a dozen among the court officials. In comparison, "impotence" didn't seem so bad.

But wait...

This impotent one was the Emperor!!! He was her nominal husband!

She was shocked again. [Why are you only telling me such an important thing now?]

System: [This system only just received the information.]

Yanshu: [Then what am I doing in the palace??? Am I supposed to live as a widow for the rest of my life???]

System: [You didn't have much ambition anyway, so what's wrong with living as a widow? A lifetime passes quickly. You'll blink and it'll be over.]

Yanshu: [...]

Was that even human speech? She had finally obtained a healthy body, and now she was supposed to just blink and let it pass?

System: [Knowing is better than not knowing. What's done is done, take some time to process it.]

Yanshu: [...]

After gossiping for so long, this was the first time she had encountered news that concerned herself, and such major news at that. It was inevitable to feel caught off guard, at a loss, and dazed.

So much so that when she tried to take a sip of tea, she didn't grip the cup properly and it fell to the ground with a clear clinking sound.

At this time, the Empress Dowager had not yet arrived and the banquet had not begun, so the hall was still relatively quiet. This sound inevitably drew the attention of many.

The women at the front all turned to look, but upon seeing her unremarkable attire, which was even less eye-catching than the palace maids of Lady Zhou and Consort Li, they paid her no mind and turned back.

Only Concubine Zhang, who was seated at the same long table, said in a low voice, "Has Sister Li gotten drunk before the banquet even started? I'm afraid His Majesty won't hear you."

Yanshu couldn't be bothered to respond.

Now she finally understood why the Emperor never visited the harem. He couldn't even if he wanted to!

At this moment, she only felt a sense of world-weariness, as if she had seen through everything.

Rather than exerting all her energy to fight a life-or-death battle for an impossible goal, it was indeed more comfortable to give up early.

A palace maid brought a new teacup, and everything returned to normal. From his distant seat, Yuwen Lan also withdrew his gaze.

Compared to the women nearby who were dressed like flowers, birds, lanterns, and even feather dusters, he found that clumsy girl to look more comfortable.

But why did she drop her cup? Was it also to attract his attention?

Unfortunately, she was too far away for him to hear her thoughts.

Soon after, an announcement was heard from outside the hall, "The Empress Dowager has arrived..."

Yuwen Lan rose to welcome her, and all the concubines in the hall hurriedly bowed, their voices ringing out in unison, "We welcome the Empress Dowager."

Mother and son met near the center of the great hall. Yuwen Lan stopped and said respectfully, "I welcome you, Mother."

His voice, deep yet clear, was indeed pleasant to the ear. Taking advantage of their close proximity, Yanshu quickly stole a glance, finally getting a clear view of his face.

Hmm...

Words like "majestic as a dragon", "graceful as a phoenix", "clear and noble", "radiant as a jade tree", "dazzlingly brilliant"...

All the phrases she knew from her two lifetimes suddenly flooded her mind.

The rumors were true, he truly was a beautiful man!

But what a pity!

Yanshu sighed inwardly. Such a handsome face, yet unable to be used. What a waste of heaven's gifts!

Yuwen Lan paused.

"Handsome yet unable to be used"?

"A waste of heaven's gifts"?

What did that mean?

He tried to use his peripheral vision to find the source of these thoughts, discovering it was that clumsy girl from earlier.

Now that she was closer, he could see that she indeed had delicate features and her face wasn't heavily made up with powder.

"I've arrived late, have I kept you all waiting?" The Empress Dowager's laughing voice reached his ears.

Yuwen Lan collected himself and said, "Mother, you must be tired. Please, take your seat."

[Tsk, why on earth would he be impotent? Is it congenital? Or was it caused by some trauma later on?]

Yuwen Lan paused again.

This time he heard very clearly. That girl had used the term "impotent."

Indeed, Yanshu had used exactly that word. Because at this moment, she was calling out to her system.

— It was one thing to gossip about others, but this time the big news had exploded right beside her, even concerning her own fate. Add to that his breathtakingly handsome appearance, how could she remain unmoved?

She felt there might still be hope, so she wanted to clarify the reason first.

System: [The cause is currently unknown, but it's probably not congenital.]

Oh? If it wasn't congenital impotence, then perhaps there was still a chance?

Yanshu's eyes lit up, completely unaware of the murderous intent stirring not far away.

Indeed, the moment those two words were heard, a killing intent had already surged in Yuwen Lan's heart.

Besides himself, no one in the palace had ever known about this matter.

How did this woman know?

But in the next moment, he heard her musing, "Maybe we could try the 'Plain Girl's Secret Scripture' or the 'Marvelous Book of Bedroom Arts'. If those don't work, we could even try 'The Ode to Great Pleasure of Yin-Yang Intercourse between Heaven and Earth'!"

Yuwen Lan was utterly bewildered.

What did she mean by that?

As the saying goes, even if you haven't eaten pork, you've seen a pig run. Yanshu had consumed so much juicy gossip that these precious and peculiar books were at her fingertips. She vividly remembered that in the last scandalous tale of "The Illustrious General and the Young Widow," the pure and alluring young widow had used the "Marvelous Book of Bedroom Arts" to firmly ensnare the fierce male general within her pomegranate skirt.

Tsk, it was truly a passionate and heart-stirring story that engaged both the heart and the body. Even now, thinking about it still made her pulse race.

"Everyone may rise. Today is a festival, there's no need for excessive formality," the Empress Dowager's voice interrupted the delightful reminiscence. Yanshu quickly composed herself and joined the others in expressing gratitude and standing up.

Yuwen Lan concealed the tumultuous waves in his heart and calmly guided the Empress Dowager to her seat.

The banquet officially began, and the palace servants finally presented the dishes. There was sliced chicken with lotus, braised duck with bird's nest, assorted shark fin soup, fire-roasted lamb's head, golden prawns, stuffed crabs, and more. In an instant, the long tables were covered with a dazzling array of delicacies.

Yanshu's greatest virtue was her ability to let things go. Since the situation was already set, there was no use in dwelling on it. She focused all her attention on the delicious food and began eating in earnest.

Because the Emperor had never attended before, there had never been a New Year's Eve banquet in the palace, and she ordinarily wouldn't have qualified to attend other banquets. So today was truly a feast for her taste buds. The sliced chicken with lotus was smooth and tender, the braised duck with bird's nest was fragrant and delicious, a mouthful of the assorted shark fin soup was better than ambrosia, and the fire-roasted lamb's head was simply divine!

Not to mention the crispiness of the golden prawns and the richness of the stuffed crabs...

Every cold dish and hot entrée was stunning. Today's visit had certainly not been in vain!

She watched as Lady Zhou, Consort Ning, and Consort Duan at the front either vied to flatter the Empress Dowager or toasted the Emperor. Consort Li and Consort Wang even took the initiative to offer music and dance, competing for attention and making the banquet atmosphere very lively.

Only she remained in the corner, eating and drinking without a care in the world.

She completely failed to notice that at this moment, the Emperor, who was the focus of the entire gathering, had his attention entirely on her.