Only Villains Do That

1.12 In Which the Dark Lord Takes a Level in Bard

Lord Seiji, Aster said in clear relief as I approached.

The three men around her all turned to study me, the young clerk blinking owlishly, the old one controlling his expression better, and the one behind a visorbehind a visor.

Aster, is there some sort of problem here?

Ah, the disapproving-looking old man said in a voice as creaky as an old boat, you would be thisforeign lord young Miss Delavada reports saved her from bandits?

I did not care for his tone, and after a split second of hesitation, I realized that not caring for his tone exactly matched the cover story we were using. What aristocrat would let some doddering file clerk cop that kind of attitude with him?

Straightening my spine, I raised my chin and stared down my nose at himchallenging, as he was taller than I, but I managed. Yes, I suppose I am this foreign lord. And who might you be?

His expression and tone did not change in the slightest, but he made that hand gesture Sakin had the night before: right hand over left at chest level, then folding the arms down to the waist. No disrespect was meant, LordSeiji, was it? He glanced to the side, nodding at the young clerk, who scribbled something down on a sheet of paper. We must simply be precise about such a serious matter as the demise of nearly an entire registered adventuring party. It is also of interest to the Kings Guild if a new arrival in Fflyr Dlemathlys is a Blessed of sufficient power to single-handedly defeat an entire bandit gang.

Which told me I wasnt going to get anywhere with hauteur and bullying. There is nothing in nature more unresponsive to pressure than a bureaucrat confident in the full weight of a government agency behind him.

I thought as rapidly as I ever had, not even sparing the attention to kick myself for not working up a plan for this situation beforehand. How much could I afford to reveal? How to keep the lies minimal enough to avoid being caught in one while also covering my (and Asters) ass?

Really, defeat the bandits? Is that what you told them? I gave Aster my most sardonic look before turning back to the clerk, projecting the same insouciant facade Id been relying on so heavily since coming here. I think she may be overly enamored of my assistance. Understandable, I supposeit did result in saving her life. But no, I simply spooked them into running. I happen to possess a fewminor spells of a medical nature. Nothing too fancy, but they do make pretty flashing lights when cast, and that was enough to encourage a handful of bandit dregs to try their luck elsewhere rather than tangling with a Blessed. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, I added with a smirk. Ironically, the oafs bolted before they had a chance to find out they could almost certainly have taken me out more easily than the adventurers.

I see, he said, his voice and expression revealing nothing. I couldnt tell if he disapproved of our story in particular or just existence in general. And with thesemedical spells, you were unable to render aid to Miss Delavadas fallen comrades?

It was too late, Aster said quietly. Her own face was strained; I wondered how many times hed made her go through this while I was noodling about on the not-piano. It was a trapa pit in the ground, full of spears. We didnt even have the chance to fight.

I see, the old clerk repeated, just as stiffly and without looking at her. And what is the exact location of this trap, Lord Seiji?

I have absolutely no idea, I replied, not hiding my exasperation. I barely know where I am now. Aster led me here, and Id likely have wandered into the khora forest by now without her. Its only my third day on Dount.

I did describe it in detail, with directions, Mr. Tisch, Aster said, glancing at the younger clerk who was still taking notes. Do you need me to repeat

That will not be necessary, Miss Delavada, Tisch interrupted, turning his gimlet stare on her. We must be as certain as possible in the case of such a seriousincident. Any corroborating account is of benefit. Another party will have to be dispatched, to retrieve the remains, locate the bandits headquarters, and clear them out.

Uh oh. This time, I carefully kept my expression blank. Before I could think of something to interject, though, the fellow in the heavy armor suit placed one gauntleted hand on Asters shoulder, making her jump.

We all mourn your loss, Adventurer Aster, he said, his voice echoing slightly through the slits in his visor. The loss of companionsit is a fact with which we all live, but it never grows easier. I am grateful to you, Lord Seiji, for saving at least one of our own.

Imjust glad I was able to, I said warily. Was there a reason this guy kept his face covered while having a polite conversation indoors? Im sorry I wasnt there soon enough to help the others. It was just luck I managed to aid Aster.

Youd just have fallen into the trap, too, Lord Seiji, she said with a wan smile.

I shrugged, repressing annoyance at myself. I may be the worst example of a Japanese person on two whole planets, but the compulsion to apologize still rears up sometimes. Yeah, I know. Still.

Still, agreed Armor Man, nodding his helmet at me once. One always abhors the deaths of others. Even when we could have done nothing to prevent it, the guilt remains. Remember, Aster, he added, squeezing her shoulder briefly, that guilt is only emotion. If you could have saved them, I am certain you would have done so. You are not to blame.

Poor Aster looked tongue-tied, opening and closing her mouth slightly while staring up at him. He let go of her shoulder, turning back to me.

Have you considered joining the Kings Guild, Lord Seiji?

Me?

He nodded again. Blessed are always welcome among our ranksand in particular, those Blessed with Magic and in possession of healing spells are most sought after. We suffer a perennial lack of healers. Here in Fflyr Dlemathlys, adventuring under the Guilds aegis is considered an honorable pursuit for noblemen, as well. With your rank and abilities, I could personally guarantee you a position among an advanced party and the Guilds most generous tier of compensation.

He could? With fresh eyes, I took note of Asters star-struck expression, the fact that the disapproving Guild clerk hadnt dared interrupt him to bring this conversation back on track, and his all-over suit of very fancy armor which was clearly a powerful artifact. Belatedly, it occurred to me that I was dealing with someone actually important, here.

Thats an interesting idea, I said, very carefully. I think grubbing around in dungeons killing monsters is not the life I envisioned for myself, however.

It is not a life for everyone, he agreed, his echoing voice solemn. The offer remains valid, should you reconsider. The Guild would be glad of your talents.

Tisch cleared his throat, sparing me from further awkwardness. All that being settled, there is the matter of inheritance. I see you are in possession of the artifacts registered to Adventurer Jarind Delostinon, Miss Delavada. Per your partys contract, that is proper. Since Lord Seiji has deigned to join us, may the Guild have an explanation for your acquisition of the Blessing of Might necessary to use

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I was ready for that one, at least. Is the Guild accustomed to prying into the family business of lords?

Certainly not, the metal-plated celebrity said, emphatic and with his helmet pointed right at Tisch.

It is not the Guilds intent to pry, he replied in what may have been the driest tone Id ever heard. Especially into the business of theClans. The interest of thoroughness compels me to ask, but a detailed answer is not necessary.

I had not missed that deliberate hesitation, with the heavy implication that some foreign lord wasnt as good as one of their home-grown Clan types. Joke was on him, I wasnt even a real aristocrat.

That being the case, Tisch droned on, reaching over and unerringly retrieving a paper from the middle of the pile the younger guy was working on, the only remaining matter is bereavement insurance. Adventurer Delostinon opted to include it in his party contract and faithfully paid dues. The death of party members in the course of a sanctioned Kings Guild quest means a payment of twelve gold halos per deceased, to be divided evenly among all surviving registered party members. His eyes darted back and forth across the document, then he set it down on the desks surface and pushed it toward Aster, along with a pen and a pot of ink. I noticed on closer inspection the pen was just a very fine-tipped brush. The Kings Guild thus authorizes a one-time payment of twenty-four gold halos to Delavada Aster, with his Majestys condolences and thanks for your brave service. Sign or make a signet mark in the designated space, please.

Oh, II dont To my surprise, Aster seemed mostly upset by this, looking at me and then at Tisch in consternation and not moving to take the brush. I dont need That is, Ive agreed to work for Lord Seiji, so I She swallowed heavily and it occurred to me we hadnt actually discussed compensation for her bodyguard services. Is that I dont think it feels right to

Aster. The armored man touched her shoulder againlightly and just for a second this time to get her attention. His voice was much more gentle, which was an odd effect with the way it echoed out of his helmet. Your party leader not only approved these arrangements, but made regular payments to keep them up. This was his affirmative will, not a mistake. You are not taking advantage, but honoring his wishes. Those funds are yours, to ensure your well-being now that they are gone.

She stared blankly up at him. Jarind was probably hoping to get a payout if he got me or Dannit killed.

Mr. Tisch sniffed in loud disapproval, but the armored adventurer was not put off.

Even if so, these are the arrangements he made. You are no less entitled to these funds. There is nothing about which you need feel guilty, Adventurer Aster.

Is there a statute of limitations on the insurance payout? I asked, seeing Aster still in the grip of some kind of emotional crisis. Some kind of time constraint?

Tisch sniffed again. Certainly not. Miss Delavada can collect it at any time.

Then you dont have to deal with this right now, if you dont want to, I said, directly to Aster. Take time to process all this, and come back to get your money if and when you feel ready. Its not like Ill let you go hungry in the meanwhile.

A wise suggestion, the armored man agreed, nodding at me again. Would that be agreeable to you, Aster?

Iyeah, that soundsgood. Thank you, Lord Seiji.

Indeed, he said. I am glad to see that after such a terrible event, Aster has at least gained the patronage of such a decent person. Truly, Lord Seiji, the goddess must have set you upon her path.

I just smiled as blandly as I could manage. Not touching that one.

Mr. Tisch emitted a long-suffering sigh, loudly shuffling his forms back into a stack. Very well, then. If you have no further information to report, Miss Delavada, then that will be all. Next!

We all turned to look behind us.

There was no one in line.

That was Rhydion! Aster practically shouted once we were safely a block from the Kings Guild. Rhydion talked to me! Whats he even doing on Dount? I thought he worked around the capital!

That would be the guy in the armor? I asked. Hes a big deal, then?

The guy in the Aster caught herself mid-outburst and made a visible effort to moderate her delivery. Yes, Lord Seiji, hes easily the foremost adventurer in Fflyr Dlemathlys. Hes our only sanctified paladin of Sanora, ordained not only by Fflyrdylles Radiant Convocation but the Radiant Temple Knights of Lancor! The man has single-handedly slain three khorodects and completed the only recorded solo clear of Cairnarrien! I heard he even fought at the warclan front in eastern Darkmarch!

You cannot possibly imagine that collection of words means anything to me. More immediately I flicked my eyes across the street, trying not to look like I was looking around, and lowered my voice when I beheld no one in our immediate vicinity. I guess we need to get back to the fortress pronto, now that youve set another adventuring party to hunt us down.

What? I what? When? She frowned at me.

Donon cleared his throat behind us. Ah, beggin your pardon, Lord Seiji? That wont be an issue. Rocco always had our traps set a long way from North Watch. Nobody who finds it will find a trail back there.

Oh. Good. I glanced around again, less surreptitiously, just to verify there was nobody within earshot.

Even I knew that, said Aster, now scowling at me in reproach. Do you think Im an idiot?

Ah I cast about for a change of topic. So, those kids at the inn. Did you notice all their jewelry was made of wood?

Her expression said she had made a note of the unsubtle deflection, but she didnt press me on it. Well, sure. They were rich.

I drew in a steadying breath. Yep, all right, I felt emotionally prepared now. Time to learn more stupid, horrible facts about this stupid, horrible world.

Okay. Why is wood rare?

Donon and Aster exchanged a loaded look.

Would you two quit doing that? I exclaimed. We have established Im an outsider here and I need things explained. Just answer questions without making a sideshow production of I cant believe he doesnt know this!

Sorry, Lord Seiji, Aster said in a more subdued tone. Well, basically, trees are really hard to grow. Bugs and crawns love to eat living wood. Once its all cut and properly varnished its fine, but while the trees alive, they go crazy for it.

What is a crawn? And dont do that thing again! Im watching you.

Crawns are vermin, Lord Seiji, Donon explained. Basically, most pests are either rodents, birds, or crawns; theres a bunch of different types. Crawns are the ones with shells. If you were in the kitchen at North Watch you probably saw some.

Ah.

Right, so, Aster continued, to grow trees, you basically need a space large enough to have several, but fully enclosed by walls, and be able to afford enchantments and alchemy, have a bunch of dogs and cats on the site to chase pests, a staff to check them basically constantly Ive heard to do it successfully you need at least one person Blessed with Magic who knows healing spells and is willing to, uh, be a gardener.

Is wood more common where youre from, Lord Seiji? Donon asked.

I sighed. We build houses with it.

We walked on in silence, neither of them finding anything to say in response to that. I suspected they didnt believe me. Not that I cared very much about that, but

Wait, I said suddenly, overtaken by a sinking feeling. If you dont have wood widely available I guess that means you dont have guitars.

I hated this planet. I hated it so very much.

What? Aster tilted her head. Of course we have guitarah!

She yelped and I think started to reflexively go for her sword when I suddenly whirled and grabbed her by the shoulders.

Show me!

Another hour and we were strolling down the road outside Gwylltheans gates, descending the long ramp through the Gutters to the main trade road, and I was happier than Id been since landing on this godforsaken shithole of a world.

Fflyr guitars were thinner than the wooden acoustic guitars back home, but about the thickness of an electric guitar so it wasnt unfamiliar to hold. Akorshil didnt have the same resonant qualities as wood, so the hollow body contained a set of akornin blades which vibrated along with the strings and were tuned by positioning padded clamps along their length. So it was a bit of a pain to tune, as you had to adjust both the strings and the blades, but I loved the sound. It was deeper and more complex than any guitar Id played before.

My own new Fflyr guitar was made of sky blue akorshil and hung around my neck on an embroidered strap, which was where it had been since I had purchased it from the luthier.

So, youre just going to walk around playing that, then? Aster asked as we reached the end of the ramp, about halfway through the Gutters. Streets opened onto the main road, here, but we were caught in the flow of traffic heading out, ignoring the shouts of vendors and the trickle of people turning on and off side streets.

I turned to grin at her and strummed a louder chord.

I only ask, Aster continued with a long-suffering look, because I thought you were trying to project a certain image, Lord Seiji. Walking down the road playing the guitar is more wandering minstrel than nobleman.

Aw, let em look, Donon piped up. He was carrying the case my new instrument had come with. Nobles do much weirder stuff than this and nobody tells em a thing about it. Thats the whole benefit of being a noble, isnt it? Besides, hes really good. I dunno how much you heard back at the Guild but the mans a sorcerer on the keyboard.

You know what, Donon? You get me. I slipped into the intro riff from Bon Jovis Dead or Alive, and winked at a highborn woman passing by on a horse, receiving a flirtatious smile in response. Let me have my fun, Aster, I have so very little.

It was still before mid-morning. By my estimate, if we made good time on the roads we should be back at North Watch by dark. The visit to Gwyllthean had beenwell, unexpectedly profitable, and educational in ways I didnt anticipate, if somewhat traumatic. I didnt feel like I was a lot closer to a complete understanding of the way this society functioned, but really, that kind of comprehension took years, not hours. I had identified a few cracks which I felt could be exploited, and refined my swirling confusion of half-concocted ideas into the broad outline of a strategy.

The early steps were going to be a real pain, and they began with whipping my gang into shape. I couldve used more time to learn, explore, and prepare, but the specter of Virya loomed over my thoughts, and I didnt dare take any longer to dither. As of now, I had to consider my feet officially under me on the ground. Once back at the castle, the conquest would begin for real.

Strolling along, strumming my guitar and mulling my plans, we made it all the way to the outskirts of the city without further incident. Then, just beyond the watchtower, somebody threw a rock at me.

Hey! I exclaimed, whirling to confront the direction from which the pebble had sailed past, nearly grazing my face. After being chased all over North Watch I wasnt too upset at the prospect of being beaned with a rock, but if this asshole so much as chipped my guitar

The culprit was immediately identifiable, and in fact it appeared the rock was meant specifically to get my attention. Out here was what passed for Gwylltheans suburbs, which mostly consisted of free-standing warehouses and grain silos doubtless meant for use by the merchant caravans which were the lifeblood of the citys economy, and the agricultural fields spreading out beyond. They were mostly built far apart, with wide loading yards and tracks leading to their doors, so there was not much cover. It was impossible to miss the ragged-looking child currently grinning at me and bouncing a rock on his palm.

Seeing he had my eyes, he dropped the rock, waved, then turned and dashed away around the corner of the closest warehouse. A second later his head poked out and he beckoned with one hand.

Hey, said Donon, thats that kid! The one fromyou know.

Are you sure? Aster demanded.

Pretty sure. I thought at the time, he looks a lot like my cousin did when we were little sprouts.

I didnt need his confirmation; I had seen the boy much closer than either of them the night before, and got a good look just now.

Its him. Andapparently he would like a word.

Could be a trap, Aster said tersely, drawing her sword.

Could be. It also could be an opportunity. Lets go check it out. Be on the alert, though.

Then Im going first, she stated, starting forward at a slow walk and constantly swiveling her head to watch the nearby fences and drainage ditch, the only places which could possibly hide a person. Be ready to use your healing magic on me if I get jumped.

Well, I drawled, yes, your Highness, but only because you asked so courteously.

If you want me to be your bodyguard, then Im your bodyguard, Aster retorted, still looking at the surroundings and not me as we proceeded at a careful pace. Jarind had us do work like this for nobles a few times. Rule number one is that when the client is in danger, the bodyguard is in charge. Behind me, Lord Seiji.

I am behind you!

Good.

The flap of her outer coat pocket popped open and a tiny triangular head emerged. Its no trap, guys, theres nobody within earshot but the kid.

Thanks, Biribo, Aster muttered, not relaxing at all.

Just doin my job, he replied, ducking back down. A second later one little black claw reached up to pull the pocket flap closed.

She was the first past the corner, shifting the huge sword to an overhanded grip with its tip pointed, as I saw when I made it around, at the boy. He was standing there in the shade of the warehouse, hidden from the road, with his hands raised but not looking otherwise too worried.

His ratty shirt had a large hole at the belly. It looked like a good effort had been made to get the bloodstain out, but the entire lower half of it was suspiciously brown and stiff.

Well, well, look who it is, I said, handing my guitar to Donon, who knelt to tuck it carefully into its case. You look a lot more chipper than the last time I saw you. Why do I get the feeling you didnt chase us all the way out here to say a belated thank you?

Cos you aint stupid, obviously, he said with a grin. Believe me, I know. I aint stupid either; I figured out your whole plan. Thats why I came to find youcos Im either on your side, or Im a loose end. And I dont wanna get tied up, but more important, I know whose crew I wanna be with when it all goes down.

Aster and Donon both shifted to look at me inquisitively.

My whole plan? I mused. You have a pretty high opinion of yourself, squirt. Okay, you have my attentionnow impress me. What is my whole plan?

I was really interested in hearing this. The kid had only seen me when I was bumbling around in a panic after an extremely ill-advised impulse had gone horribly awry.

Both ends against the middle! he said brightly. Clan Olumnach and Lady Gray are the only two players powerful enough to matter in shady business in Gwyllthean, maybe all of Dount. So theres nobody who dares stand up to em, cept each other. And cos of that, everybody knows nobody would be daft enough to hit em both at once! So Im glad to let you know it worked like a charm. After your move last night, the Olumnachs are roaring mad about their boy getting knifed, Lady Grays roaring mad about all her money going missing, and cos nobody knows anyone else was even there, they blame each other. Its been heating up all night and neither sides backing off or hearing any smooth talk. Its gonna be blades out by sundown, Ill bet. For stakes like this, things wont calm down for a good long while. And as long as theyre tearing each other up, the whole cityll be ripe for the taking!

Oh.

Oops.