Only Villains Do That

1.27 In Which the Dark Lord Almost Makes a Spectacle of Himself

Its difficult to project your voice through a layer of muffling fabric; I can only imagine how difficult it would be for someone who hadnt had formal vocal training from middle school through university, and also spent much of his free time during that period screaming his soul out at rock venues and band practice. Me? I managed.

I am only here to heal.

Life on Ephemera had taught me that my body had suffered all the atrophy a mostly sedentary twenty-first century life can inflict, but my diaphragm was still as potent as a major leaguers pitching arm. Mask or no mask, my voice projected with a force that belied my deliberately calm, controlled tone, reaching everyone on this segment of the street.

Sure, of course, said the first thug, still grinning at me. Nobody says you cant. But you can also spare some time to talk with Lady Gray, Im sure.

Everybody can spare Lady Gray whatever time she needs, trust me, added the second. These guys must have worked as a pair often; they spoke in tandem almost as if theyd rehearsed it.

Talkabout what?

Why, thats between you and her, stranger.

Aint for the likes of us to ask Lady Gray her business.

She points, we go.

And shes pointed at you, friend. Soshall we go?

Still smiling and amiable, despite their deliberately rough appearance and overtly displayed weapons. I was starting to like these guys a little bit. They shared my appreciation for theatricality.

Slowly, drawing out the moment, I tilted my head to one side, just enough to make the motion apparent even with the heavy cowl.

ThisLady Gray, I finally said, enunciating carefully. Has she paid the price?

Tweedledee and Tweedledum looked at each other in clear uncertainty. The onlooking crowd shifted, the muttering from nearby swelling to nearly overwhelming the laughter and shouts from farther up and down the street.

Dunno how she couldve, friend, seeing as youve not met just yet.

Lady Gray doesnt lack for means, after all. Whatever coin you need If youre worth it, she can pay it.

I shook my head, ponderously, watching their eyes track the darkness under my hood as it shifted back and forth.

Money. Coins will not cover the price, onlyimpose it. Ive no business with those whose business is only money.

Not strictly a lie, so long as you considered the Healer a distinct identity.

Well, now, here in the Gutters were adaptable folk, the gap-toothed fellow assured me, his apparent good humor undiminished by his growing uncertainty.

And Lady Gray is the Gutters, for all intents and purposes.

Favors, commodities Pick your poison, stranger.

But you should really ask the Lady herself for your price. Were just the messengers, after all.

I deliberately widened my stance, as if bracing my feet for action. My hands hung loose at my sides, fingers flexed and ready. Amid the surrounding muted hubbub, I heard the scrape of boots on akorthist as Aster adjusted her feet; I couldnt see her with the damn hood blocking my peripheral vision, but I assumed shed reached up to grasp the handle of her sword, from the way both toughs shifted their eyes to her.

I have come here to heal, I said, loud but calm. Unless you wish to pay the price, you are in my way.

I could almost feel the indrawn breath of dozens of onlookers. Lady Grays two thugs looked at each other again, seeming to communicate something silently with just their eyes. I flexed my handsnot because I needed them to cast magic, but just for effect.

Now the spectacle Id planned would begin in earnest.

Well, all right then, said the first thug, folding down his hands at me. The request stands, Healer.

Wait. What?

Well just check back with you later, shall we? Thug #2 added. When you change your mind, let us know.

Have a safe night, now. Its a rough sort of neighborhood.

Not that you look like youll have any trouble. He winked at Aster. And with no more ado, the two of them turned and strolled off up the street, cool and collected as you please.

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Butbut my showtime!

I had spent the last week on this plan, going over and over in my head all the ways a crime lords minions might attempt to subdue me, planning for every contingency I could think of. Id freely indulged myself with ever more fanciful outcomes, just to make sure I had all possible events covered, reasoning that even if the majority of these ideas were implausible, just being prepared for numerous possible twists of fate would leave me better able to adapt if they sprung some new trick Id somehow failed to anticipate.

Except, as it turned out, if they politely backed down. That one I had not seen coming, and now it left me standing there posed for my well-planned show, and no longer having any path to executing it.

This fucking world. Even when it gave me an optimal outcome, it managed to be in a way that wrecked all my planning. It was an entire planet whose every feature was meticulously crafted to piss me off.

It had been a good ten seconds and I was still standing there, legs braced, while the onlookers muttered uncertainly at me. Cool, instead of the dramatic addition to the Healers legend I had carefully set up, now Id just stood here looking silly while my brain caught up with reality. Perfect. Unable to think of anything better, I just went back to what Id been doing previously. I turned and glided across the street, Aster trailing silently along behind me, to the next brothel on my list.

In fact, the owner of the Jostled Jugs herself was standing just outside her doorway, watching the prematurely aborted show with her arms folded.

Gannit, I greeted the old woman in a much less projected voice as I approached. I hope alls been well since

Yeah, yeah, get your shady ass in here, boy. She seized my arm in an amazingly solid grip and all but bodily dragged me into the brothel. I let her, and apparently Aster decided not to intervenein fact, I could just picture the amused grin she must be hiding behind that scarf. Gannit was amazingly spry for someone pushing seventy, but she was in no condition to haul me around unless I chose to go, and I wasnt interested in knocking down an old lady, especially one running a business with whose employees I was trying to get in good.

She tugged me all the way through the common room to the kitchen in the back, a short journey on which I had to endure a lot of catcalling. Yeah, yeah, a woman dragging a man through a brothel usually means one thing, and its funny when its a grandma and the mysterious magic Healer, I get it. Hilarious.

Do you have any idea the shit you just did? Gannit demanded upon releasing me, once we were safely in the kitchen away from her guests and employees. Aside from the ones cooking, who watched the spectacle with open amusement but somehow didnt slow down in their work.

Very little, it seemed.

Oh, and you put a lot of trust in appearances, do you? She gave my all-concealing outfit a very pointed once-over.

Hows the arthritis?

Gannit cracked a grin at that and flexed one skinny arm like a bodybuilder. Hah! Not a twinge. You got some serious mojo, Healer. Too bad you dont have the sense to go with it. Now sit your ass down and listen, its time you got a rundown on how things work in Cat Alley.

Whats to know? I asked, not moving toward the indicated stool.

Sit. The old woman folded her arms and looked imperious until I finally sat down, then nodded in satisfaction. All right, its story time. Youve been up and down the street once, Im sure you noticed its only women who run brothels in this town.

That did strike me as odd, I admitted. This country seems even more hostile to women than it is to everyone else.

Too right, she grinned. Fflyr Dlemathlys has always been that way, but Cat Alley has only been this way the last thirty years or so. Whorings good moneyfor the people who own the business, that is, not so much the ones doing the work. So naturally it was the men who owned it. At least, till some uppity whores managed to start a big flap among the Radiant Convocation and get themselves cast out of polite society.

That, ah, sounds like quite a tale.

Oh, that it is, she said with relish. A long and complicated one, and I may tell you the whole version someday, but right now we got more pressing matters. Point is, in this country, it aint strictly against the law for men to be involved in prostitution, but its firmly against Convocation doctrine, and you dont spit right in the Convocations eye like that. Theyve got ways of putting down people they dont approve of. And the best part is we did that! She slapped her own chest just below the collarbone. Thats what we do here, boy. The games rigged against the likes of us, so we took their own crooked rules and spun em to carve out our own place. Just takes some cleverness, a little work, and a willingness to bleed for what matters. You men like to think youre all big and tough, and you may be at that, but theres not a woman born whos shy about bleeding.

Im impressed, I said, meaning it. Someday I would like to hear the full version. I dont understand what it has to do with me, though.

Its more what you have to do with it, Gannit retorted, snatching a ladle right out of the hand of an exasperated cook to wag it at me. Droplets of soup scattered across the floor. Cos were right in the middle of another drug-out kerfuffle no less serious than the Liberation of the Whores, and you have just swished your spooky cloak right the hell into the middle of it. Lemme put it this way: the whole status quo in Cat Alley rests on our hard-won almost-law that only women in the business get to control the business. Well, last ten years or so, the Gutters have a woman who moved up through the street gangs until she got the whole lot of em tied together under her control. And just you guess where she came up from!

ah.

Ah, he says, Gannit snorted. Heres how it is, boy: theres still more madames who own their own places than not, but Lady Grays moving in. Slowly, and starting with the cheap joints at the far ends of the street, but moving nonetheless. Theres more brothels she doesnt own outright but has some kinda hold on the madame. Now, were not helpless. The bigger places like Minifrits and mine, weve got our own musclenot to mention other means of getting things done that you dont need to concern yourself with. But that doesnt mean weve got enough muscle to flex. This is delicate, healer. Its back-alley politics. Lady Grays got enough force to move in here and force us all out in one night. She wont, because that would ruin all the businesses shes trying to take over, and probably scatter the trade far and wide across the Gutters rather than keep Cat Alley in one profitable concentration. Weve got enough coin and bouncers to push backhere and there, within reason, strategically. Grays bullyboys still get to throw their weight around way moren any of us likes, because anybody who stands up to her is inviting a confrontation that ends with her taking over that business.

To my mortification, I physically twitched as a vivid memory of the savagely beaten face of Kastrin flashed across my eyes, followed by a rapid parade of other brutalized women Id seen and healed. Gannit was still watching me like a hawk, but if she thought anything of the abortive little movement, she didnt say so.

And then theres you. You have already rustled her eggs good and proper, boy. What do you think happens when a bunch of beaten-down, pox-riddled whores are suddenly clean and hale again?

Theyre clean and hale again, I said.

Yeah, yeah, and if thats all you care about, good on ya. But what their owners care about is how much theyre worthwhich is to say, more. A lot more. In a lot of the places youve visited, every girl is suddenly of a quality that used to mark their best girl, or better. Now, theres a few ways that can shake out. They might start bringing in more moneyor less, if they raise prices accordingly and the custom goes elsewhere. I dunno how much extra coin youve made and cost Lady Gray in the last week, but whether the final tallys plus or minus, youve made yourself a big, fat variable in her record books. And then, then, you went and stood up to her goons. The one thing we are keeping her at bay by carefully not fucking doing.

Gannit folded her arms, glaring at me. Seizing the opportunity, the cook snatched her ladle back and resumed stirring.

Well, then, I said, after a pause. Thank you for enlightening me, Gannit. Ill be careful.

Son, she drawled, I am very slightly concerned about your shifty ass. You need to get it into your head that this aint a storybook. Actions have consequences, and around here? Theyre a lot more complicated than you might anticipate, and will affect a lot more people than just you. You cant just swoop in here and save everybody, if thats what you were trying to do.

It wasnt.

Her eyes narrowed to slits. Hnh. Well, guess thats as good a setup as any for the big question. Whatever you are trying to doand I know youve got an agenda, boy, I aint stupid nor blind. Whatever it is youre planning, is it going to get a lot of working girls whove already had it bad enough hurt or worse?

She stared at me; the two cooks and one passing serving girl stopped what they were doing, turning to look expectantly at me as well.

I inhaled slowly, taking in the smells of food, and let the breath back out. This question, at least, I was prepared for. And not just because I anticipated having to answer it; Id grappled with it on my own time.

Yes, I replied finally. But no more than the way they live now. And for most, I think, considerably less.

Gannit squinted at me, slowly working her jaw. The other three went back to their own business, the waitress vanishing through the swinging door into the common room.

Well, shit, she said finally. I owe Minifrit a gold disc. She said you were working a long-term scheme. I figured you were just a melodramatic weirdo with a Blessing and a hero complex.

Parts of that are accurate, I admitted, but the Hero I am not. I dont think his help would do you much good, either. I came here to help, Gannit, that I promise you. Youre right, though; complicated situations mean you cant just help without causing far-reaching consequences. Those who have paid the price are owed healingthats the least I can do. What happens next I will try to protect everyone I can. Well see how well the world cooperates.

You and your price, she snorted, shaking her head. Well, thats more talking than I got outta you last time. I guess youre done opening up, then?

I rose from the stool, and bowed to her. One of the cooks who was sneaking a peek gave me a wide-eyed stare, but Gannit just smirked.

It has still been paid. Far in advance. I thank you for the warning, Gannit. Now, who here is in need of healing?

At least the rest of the night went according to plan.

My theory of pacing continued to work. Making our way from one end of Yrshith Street to the other was less exhausting, with a relative reprieve in the nicer brothels in the center, followed by ending up at the slightly less dispiriting end of the street. The early progress wed made continued to be evident, as well, with more of the lower-class brothels open to the Healer, enabling me to heal more women than before. We were making progress.

That was the good news.

There was a whole new layer of tension this time, now that I knew Lady Grays eyes were on me. Not being an utter fool, I didnt believe for a second that her goons had actually given up and gone home after one verbal rejection, especially after Gannit had laid out the political situation for me. I could practically feel the eyes on me as I finished up in the farthest brothelsthe ones Gannit had warned might be owned outright by Gray herself.

We carefully watched out around us, all three. Biribo was hidden under my scarf where he could slither up to whisper in my ear and receive whispered orders from me without being seen. It was a sensation I couldve done without, but under the circumstances little complaints like that just had to be lived with. His familiar senses were apparently attuned to people and Blessings above all; he could see who was Blessed and with what by looking at them, and seemed able to discern the presence of sapient beings in proximity to us even if he couldnt see them directly. Unfortunately, we were in a crowded urban area, and the mundane reality of how people hid in crowds was a hard counter to his magic. People were coming and going all around us on all sides; except during the moments when we walked along the rear boardwalks, Biribo couldnt tell whether anybody might be shadowing us in particular.

That, all things considered, was less emotionally draining than the work of healing prostitutes. The two in conjunction wiped us out. By the end of the night, I was almost irked that it had been for nothing. But so it was: Aster and I found ourselves back on the road, she stopping by a vendor to get us some hot food for the trip home. There hadnt been so much as another peep out of Lady Gray or anyone purporting to work for her. Nobody had ambushed us, barred our path, or in any way made themselves an inconvenience.

And so it remained until we were a good forty-five minutes out of the city.

Hey, boss? Biribo piped up, buzzing out of my cloak to hover in front of me at shoulder height.

Whats up?

I wasnt sure until we turned onto this side trail, he said quietly, but were being followed.

I inhaled deeply and blew the breath back out. okay. Not unexpected. Wouldve been nice if theyd tried this back in Cat Alley so I could execute my plan.

Yeah, whats up with enemies not walking helpfully into our traps? Aster complained. Foes these days. No respect for tradition, thats whats wrong with the world.

Are you done?

I think thatll hold me for now, she said sweetly.

Whatve we got, Biribo?

Three targets. Human, male, lowborn, no Blessed. Im mostly sure theyre the same three whove been behind us all the way from the city, but that was on the main highway during morning traffic, so it was less certain. But they turned onto this back road after us, so

Mmcould still be coincidence, but Im not gonna gamble on that. How far?

Close to a dhil.

Im gonna stab you.

Boss, you can keep being performatively upset about the measuring system here or learn it. Which do you think is more useful? Theyre just close enough to see if you turned around, butmaybe dont.

Yeah, lets not give away the game just yet, I murmured. Thoughts?

If were gonna take em out, the sooner the better, said Aster. Neither of us are at our freshest and well only get more tired as time goes on.

Given that youve got me and can keep track of them without revealing you know theyre there, weve got dozens of ways of ditching em, especially once we get into the khora, Biribo suggested.

Any sign theyre looking to overtake us? I asked.

Not so far. That might change, but right now theyre staying way back at the edge of visibility. In my experience, thats shadowing behavior, not ambushing.

So the goals not to jump us, but to track us back to our lair, I murmured. Still, I cant figure out Grays strategy. Whyd she wait? It would have been much easier to make a move in the Gutters, where she has power. Sending people out into rural Dount is sacrificing the high ground, so to speak. This is Olumnach country and shes at war with them.

Sounds like theres some stuff going on that were not aware of, said Aster. As per usual.

Okay. Stay alert. Biribo, warn me if they try to speed up; if they wanna make this a confrontation, I mean to hit first.

You got it, boss. But if not?

If not I have an idea. Aster, howre you doing?

Tired. Physically and down to my soul. But Ive been more tired than this and kept going. The meat pies helped. I repeat that if this is going to come to a fight or a run itd be better to do it sooner than later, but if your plan just involves walking, I can go for hours.

All right. Were gonna swing north; Biribo can help navigate if you dont know the way, Aster. Well stick to the back roads as much as possible so they dont get spooked, but our destination is toward the Kingsguard waystation.

She turned to me, raising her eyebrows. You wanna set the Kingsguard on em? Ballsy.

I dont see how much good that would do, I said. I doubt we look any less shifty and disreputable than they do. Hell, the Kingsguard arent much better, from what I hear. Just another gang. But speaking of gangs Remember when we torched the Crown Rose caravan and Biribo spotted a bunch of bandits hiding in the khora nearby?

Biribo himself began laughing quietly.

Ah, Aster nodded. And weve been told that the outlying gangs on Dount answer to Clan Olumnach

Theres an old saying in my mothers homeland, I said, grinning. Lets you and him fight.