Only Villains Do That

1.33 In Which the Dark Lord Hangs Out with the Boys

After that performance, someone tried to follow us home again. I assumed Lady Grays people, but depending on how big a stir the Healer had just kicked up, the possibilities were innumerable. In any case, nothing came of it; Blessed with Wisdom are exceedingly difficult to track when they dont want to be, and unlike the previous time, I was not interested in playing around with whoever this was. Thanks to Biribos senses, we ditched them amid the khora with ease, at the cost of getting our feet wet traveling up and down a few streams to wipe out our scent.

And bright and early the next day, I found myself again making use of my familiars powers in exactly the same manner. Well, for given value of both early and bright. It was the afternoon, and I was bedraggled and only somewhat less exhausted than Id been the night before due to having had just a few hours to sleep and managing to spend those only getting fitful naps.

I kept having dreams. Endless parades of people injured and wounded, needing my help, and my Heal spell faltering every time. People burning alive, screaming that it was my fault.

Thanks, brain.

But this is a narrow window of opportunity, I explained to my companions as I picked carefully through the khora forest the next day following my familiars guidance. According to Biribo, todays some kind of sacred festival thingy for the local beast tribes.

Sure, the harvest celebrations coming up, Harold agreed, sounding nervous as usual. But, thats not for a few weeks

Cos harvesting is something agricultural societies do, Biribo lectured. The beast tribes are hunter-gatherers; theirs is right on the autumnal equinox. For one day, theyll be drawn back within their villages, not hunting or gathering or patrolling or doing anything which would make them likely to find us tiptoeing through their territory. Which isnt to say this is not a risk, lads. Were still on catfolk land, here, and those ears of theirs aint for show. I dont know where the actual village is, but its likely to be fairly near our destination, and if they find us fucking around in their territory during a sacred event theres gonna be trouble whether or not they realize what were up to. So quick and quiet are the orders of the day, got it?

Got it, Harold agreed.

What are we up to? Kasser demanded, albeit quietly. I know how much you enjoy never explaining yourself until the last fucking minute, Lord Seiji, but I think were past that point now and I still dont know what the hell were doing out here.

Nobody appreciates my dramatic timing, I complained.

That is correct, he agreed.

So, remember that list I had Maugro draw up of accessible Spirits on Dount? Narrowing it down to Spirits which offer a reward thatll be useful to me, a task I can easily complete, and are in a place I can physically access, there are all of precisely two candidates. At least until Im in a position to push around larger beast tribes or get access to some of the Clans fortresses. For now, theres one Spirit in the wolf tribes territory that grants the Blessing of Might, or an artifact to people who already have it, and one here in our local cat territory that gives Biribo, what was it called?

Reward for accumulated experience.

My left eye involuntarily twitched; fortunately both of my companions were behind me and didnt see it. They wouldnt recognize the video game terminology anyway, much less understand why it made me angry. Right. Basically a freebie. The Spirit looks at you, considers the kind of life youve lived, and gives you something it deems appropriate.

It was so obviously just another mechanism for the goddesses to lean on the scales and hand out whatever they wanted to whoever they liked, just for showing up, because this game was rigged as fuck. Just, hopefully rigged in my favor this time. The Spirits proximity to North Watch was undoubtedly a factor in Viryas decision to start me off here. I was counting on her wanting to provide her champion with something useful.

Also, if the cat tribe had direct access to that thing, it might be wise to avoid pissing them off.

The other one, in wolf lands, is both farther away and it tests you with a trial by combat. So, were going here.

I wouldnt mind getting Blessed with Might, Kasser muttered.

You still could, said Biribo. Our target Spirit might bestow pretty much anything. Also, Im not sensing any sapient beings close enough to matter just yet, boys, but the deeper in we go the likelier itll be, so get your conversing over with as quick as you can.

I, uhsorry, Lord Seiji, but I dont really understand why you brought us, said Harold.

I was glad they couldnt see my face at that moment. Figured you guys deserved a reward for your work on those crossbows. Thats pivotal to my plans, and I know youre working hard on them. Youve done a fine job. Anyway, bringing the two of you was a compromise. Biribo wanted to just bring Aster.

No, Biribo said with open aggravation, bringing Aster wouldve been the compromise! I wanted the Dark Lord to come alone, being that every additional person along on this jaunt is an extra risk of drawing the cats attention. With me, his spells, and her artifacts, Lord Seiji could probably avoid their notice and deal with em if not. This is a case of the great and illustrious Dark Lord doing whatever the hell he wants and ignoring my advice, as per fucking usual!

I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Dont get too busy ranting to keep watch, Biribo.

Im a familiar! I can multitask!

Well, were I meanthanks. Kasser finally got the word out. Grudgingly, but he did it.

I could easily have let the conversation drop there. Probably should have, for a variety of reasons. After a pause, though, I was compelled to speak again, ignoring Biribos exasperated tiny facepalm.

Anyway. Crossbows aside, I feel like I owe you guys. Ive only seen Immolate go off and itsthats bad enough. Its got to have been nightmare-inducing to live through. You deservesomething, for it. And for sticking with me afterward.

Its not like we had a choice, Kasser muttered.

Its fine, Lord Seiji, Harold hastened to assure me. We were trying to kill you at the time. You were just defending yourself.

Sure, I know thats what we discussed, I agreed, then turned to glance over my shoulder at them. But I still feel like I owe you something. Dont you?

They exchanged a look and then avoided eye contact with me, finding nothing to say. Which was as good as an answer.

Biribo buzzed closer to my ear as we continued on through the khora, pitching his tinny voice low. Spirits with undefined reward systems usually react to Blessed with Blessing-related gifts. Ive mentioned that, right?

Yes, I remember.

So bringing Aster wouldve probably gotten her a scroll or artifact. Which could either power up your number one henchwoman or you couldve taken em for yourself, its not like the Spirit wouldve stopped you. Instead, were gonna get party favors for these two clowns. Great use of time and energy, Lord

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I very nearly raised my arm and backhanded him. Fatigue was definitely not doing my temper any favors. Instead, I paused, breathed, and thought. Asters pointed question about the way I treated Biribo rose to the forefront of my mind.

Yeah, I know, I said finally. Youre right.

Whatever he was expecting, it wasnt that. He actually dropped a few centimeters in the air as if he momentarily forgot to keep flying, then zipped forward to blink owlishly at me. Youdo?

I shrugged, watching my feet and keeping my voice pitched low. Its good advice, I understand where youre coming from. Its not that simple, though. Everything on this world is horrible bullshit, I keep having to do horrible bullshit, and even the good things I find opportunities to do are full of ulterior motives that make me feel sleazy. Biribo, I have to do some things to appease my conscience once in a while, or I will go completely insane. And not the entertaining, villainous kind of insane Virya would enjoy. Im talking hugging my knees in the corner, rocking back and forth for days on end. So, yeah, I get what you mean, and I dont even disagree. But I gotta give the boys something, here. I justneed to.

Huh, he said. Well, all right then, makes sense.

Now it was my turn to be surprised. It does?

Sure, I understand, boss. You cant optimize your whole life for efficiency, thats just not how people work. Far as Im concerned, what makes the difference is that youre listening to advice, thinking about stuff and making a decision. I thought you were just stumbling around flailing in constant cranky outrage like you spent the entire first week doing.

Not the highest praise Id ever received, but hell, Id take it.

Lions, I said aloud, studying the carvings. There are lions here?

The rest of our trek had taken about an hour, and we hadnt talked further. Both due to Biribos warning about keeping quiet, and also because I suspected Kasser and Harold just didnt have much to say to me. As an unexpected benefit of the journey, wed passed close enough to the cat tribes village for him to sense where it was by the sheer concentration of people there. This was sure to be useful intel later, but for now, it was mostly beneficial in enabling us to swing wide and avoid it. From there, finding the Spirit had been easy; Maugros directions were broad, but familiars were attuned to Ephemeras magic system and Biribo made a beeline for it once we got within a general range.

He estimated the cat tribes numbers to be around two hundred. I was curious to see a cat person for myself, but not in that quantity when I was trespassing on their land.

So now we stood before the Spirits altar, which was inside a dead and hollowed out husk of khora shell that had been decorated with surprisingly intricate paints and hanging beads. Bracketing its entrance were two carved blocks of akorthist clearly depicting Earth creatures I knew well.

Sure, Kasser answered quietly, coming to stand beside me. Not right here, you wont find big predators this close to a beastfolk camp. Too much competition. But yeah, in the wilder parts of the khora forest. There arent any khorodects on Dount, so lions and wolves are the most dangerous animals on the island. Well, aside from whatever dark elf bullshit lives in the naga lake, anyway.

Huh.

Now that he mentioned it, I knew that wolves were the most widely-ranging predator on Earth, found everywhere except Antarctica, and I seemed to recall reading somewhere that lions used to have a much wider range than they do now. Interesting as that was, I was here on business.

I stepped into the shade of the khora shell, Biribo buzzing along at my shoulder, leaving the lads to keep watch outside. At my approach the subtle glow of the carvings in the altars white stone brightened and changed, and the projected image of the Spirit itself appeared above it.

This one was different from Granny Sparkles. The face was likewise stylized, but clearly male, as was its oddly resonant voice.

Well, well, what have we here? he asked rhetorically, smiling at me. A young Dark Lord, no less. Youre an angry lad, arent you? But youre trying your best. Everything has been rough for you on this world, I can tell. You persevere, thoughand a bit more than that. Yes, youre doing well, with what youve been given.

I made no response to all this claptrap, pondering. Electronic music wasnt my forte exactly, but still, I knew just how to create those exact auditory effects, given access to the right equipment. If anything, they were bog standard gimmicks. I recalled having a similar observation about the other Spirit Id seen. Between that, the LED-looking lightshow and apparent hologram

Could there be a technological explanation for this? If so, it followed that there was for all of this bullshit, not just the Spirit. The entire system. Any sufficiently advanced technology, and so on. Then again, I might just be projecting my own desperate need for my life to make some goddamn sense again. Highly advanced alien tech was less oppressively stupid to my mind than goddesses and magic.

Its dangerous to go alone, the Spirit finally said after a pause, and then actually winked at me. Take this.

I narrowed my eyes to slits. Did that thing really just?

Light coalesced out of the air, causing me to glance over my shoulder in concern, but there were no cat people anywhere in the vicinity and my two bandits were still on guard outside. Well, now peering in to see what the fuss was, because its not like they were actually trained guards. I turned back just in time to see the glow solidify in the air, taking the shape of a physical object. Reaching out as it fell from head height, I barely managed to catch it.

Them, actually. There were two of them. Simple curls of yellowish parchment, bound by colored ribbons.

My gambit had paid off; Virya was watching over me after all. And now I had two brand new spells!

Hey, nice, Harold said, observing them in my grasp as I stepped back outside. Worth the trip, huh, Lord Seiji?

Indeed, I agreed, unable to keep the smile off my face. Okay, youre up, lads. The thing seems harmless enough; good luck. Heres hoping you get something good.

I stepped to the side to clear the way, and the pair of them came forward with some trepidation. They went in together; Id thought wed do this single file, but whatever. Leaving the boys to their own Spirit adventure, I got down to unwrapping my presents.

As before, the spell scrolls reacted to thought. All I had to do was hold one up with the intent of activating it, and the gray ribbon broke and dissolved. The parchment unrolled before my eyes, the text written upon it turned to light and seemed to rise up off the surface as it melted in the air, and as the scroll itself disintegrated into motes of luminescence, I felt the pressure in my mind of the new spell forming. For a moment the physical world seemed to recede from my perception, leaving me amid that sphere of light on which the inscrutable characters of Ephemeral magic were imprinted. Then the process finished, leaving me with the block of thought that was the spell in my head, along with the intuitive knowledge of its working.

Orb of Light. It would conjure a ball of pure white light which would illuminate my surroundings, and float along with me so long as I maintained it. A simple utility spell, maybe a bit underwhelming, but I wasnt about to complain. Anybody whos ever needed a flashlight when they didnt have one would recognize the value of this. And for me, of course, the real fun would begin when I started combining it with the other spells in my arsenal. Offhand I couldnt think of any likely results that would do me much good, but spell combination being the inscrutable gatcha it was, you never knew what might pop out.

Not here or now, though. Spell combination required me to concentrate hard. That would have to wait till I was safely back at North Watchand even then, probably only the two-spell variants. Combining three together was a nail-biting feat of focus which I would probably not be up to until Id snoozed off some of the sleep debt was currently laboring under.

Even occupied with this, I was dimly aware of lights and soft voices from inside the hollowed out khora behind me, but I figured Kasser and Harold could handle themselves. There was nothing dangerous in there. Impatiently, I held up the second scroll, this one with a gold ribbon which dissolved as soon as I focused my intent on it. The process unrolled as before, and I was left with another tool in my arsenal.

Windburst. It caused a powerful blast of air along a narrow trajectory, more than enough to knock down an average human. I felt a wild grin blossom on my face as the reality of this sank in.

Finally, an actual combat spell that wasnt horrific torture, date rape, or lighting a birthday cake! Oh, this one was a goldmine of potential. Just think of all the things I could do with this once I really got to working with spell combination To say nothing of just being able to knock some motherfuckers over.

This had been well worth the trip.

I was still grinning when I turned to find the lads emerging from the khora shell, looking an odd combination of pleased and shaken. Immediately I noticed that Kasser was holding an absolutely beautifully carved flute, and only secondarily that Harold didnt seem to have anything, and they were holding hands.

There was a beat of silence before Kasser noticed that Id noticed, and his expression flattened. He tried to jerk his hand away, but Harold, in an uncharacteristic display of willpower, didnt let go.

Hey, I didnt know you played, I said, nodding toward the flute. Thats a beautiful instrument. Maybe we can get a proper jam session going after dinner sometime, even get the rest of the crew to try singing.

I, uhsure. Maybe. Look, this isnt The guy was starting to look borderline panicked, repeatedly pulling his arm as Harold stubbornly clung to him. Would you let Lord Seiji, this isnt

Its okay, Harold said. Looking more closely at him, I found myself wondering what exactly had transpired in there. It felt kind of intrusive to ask, so I didnt, but Id never seen him looking thiscalm. Beatific, almost. Remember what the Spirit said?

II dont

Guys, relax, I said, turning to head back the way wed come. I dont care. Do what makes you happy. Cmon, lets haul ass outta here before the cats get done partying.

The celebration should keep them occupied until past nightfall, but its probably for the best to be gone as quick as possible, Biribo added. And, as before, lets try to keep it quiet.

I uh Kasser still hadnt given up, even despite a murmured remonstration from Harold that was too soft for me to make out, given that I was facing the other way. Look, Lord Seiji, I just dont want

Seriously, man, dont worry about it. Were out here in the howling goddamn wilderness, living in a ruined fort, and Im pretty sure Im supposed to be toppling social institutions as a matter of course. If anybody gives you a hard time, punch em. I hesitated, a thought occurring. Uhunless its Sakin. Probably best not to start something with him. If Sakin gives you a hard time, let me know and Ill deal with it.Actuallyupon consideration, Sakins the only one whos likely to give you shit, souh, just let me take care of any issues, how about that?

We proceeded in silence for over a full minute, leading me to believe the conversation was over. Then Kasser surprised me with a bitter little laugh.

It figures. First person in the fucking world to show some compassion is the fucking Dark Lord. The guy who burns people alive.

For the record, I clarified, this is disinterest, not compassion. Im a big believer in not being bothered with other peoples personal business.

Its pretty weird how youre the first person to even be disinterested, he said bitterly. Everybodys always so fucking invested in shit that doesnt affect them at all. It kinda fits, actually. They always told us we were touched by Evil.

Okay, this was starting to get legitimately uncomfortable. I was just trying to look after my employees, the way I figured a decent manager ought to, not take some kind of stand for justice. Im the last person to do that kind of nonsense. I had spent my entire live determinedly giving no fucks about other peoples problems, and that was before I started trying to actively stir up a rebellion and overthrow the regime.

Solid ten percent, across the board, I muttered.

Whats that, Lord Seiji? Harold asked. He even sounded calm. What did that Spirit do to him?

Where Im from, science is much more advanced, I said with a sigh. Weve studied and documented a lot about the natural world. And about ten percent of people are gay, is all. Not just people; thats a standard average across all mammal species. One in ten, guys; its not uncommon. We even understand the biological purpose of it. In the animal kingdom, same sex couples are the ones that raise offspring which get orphaned. So species with the ten percent have a better overall chance of surviving than others. Its just biology.

Huh, Kasser grunted after a short pause. I wonder why the goddess is so dead set against it, then.

Oh, I assure you Sanora doesnt give a shit, I said, grinning viciously at nothing in front of us. This is just something stupid, incompetent, crooked governments do to stay in power. Pick out some harmless minority and designate them a scapegoat. Call em corrupt or impure, accuse them of plotting against society, whatever the fuck. That way you keep people angry at the wrong target so you can carry on oppressing everybody else. The more groups you can get riled up at each other, the better you can hold onto power without having to actually run things in a way that wouldnt make the whole population so angry in the first place. You know why Fflyr Dlemathlys hates fucking everybody so much? Women, lowborn, goblins, you guys, whoever else? Its because its run by evil-minded morons who shouldnt be in charge of their own front yard, much less a country. As long as they keep everybody fighting each other instead of the people whore actually causing all the fucking problems, they get to stay in charge. Bunch of

I broke off in startlement as Biribo darted in front of my face, close enough I wouldve bonked into him had I not stopped.

Boss, he said in a low voice, not to throw a wheel off your rage wagon or anything, but could we maybe keep it down?

Ah. Right, we were being stealthy. Belatedly, I realized my voice had begun to rise in agitation the longer Id kept talking. That was embarrassing. Why did I even give a damn about Harold and Kassers business? I didnt. It was just This whole fucked up asinine excuse for a country. I hated to see stupid assholes in charge, that was all.

I resumed walking in silence.

It was close to dark when we got back to North Watch, and I was ragged from lack of rest, but even so I couldnt resist playing with my new toys. And I did it in the mess hall with the full crew present, because the performer in my can never turn down an audience.

Spell combination didnt work on everything, of course. As frustratingly intuitive and imprecise as the process was, I could always tell immediately when two spells are a complete non-match; the sensation of attempting to combine them was like trying to press together the same poles of two magnets. Orb of Light, which Id experimented with first, did not seem to connect with any of my more mentally-focused spells, so I got nothing out of it and Enamor, Spirit Bond, or Tame Beast.

Combining it with Spark created Firelight, however, which I enjoyed. It just made a floating ball of heatless fire which put off a warm orange glow instead of the clean white one of Orb of Light. So, pure style with no utility, but I already knew Id be using that one instead of the vanilla spell, purely to flex on all the other poor suckers who didnt have it.

Even better, I could now Summon Light Slime. The slime resulting from this was now just chilling on one of the tables, staying put thanks to Tame Beast. It put off a pure glow of golden white light that lit the room up beautifully. Now all I needed to do was get some glass bottles to put these in and wed save a fortune on asauthec for torches, not to mention having much better lighting in the fortress.

Everybody cheered as I fired off a blast of Sparkspray, the child of Windburst and Spark. Just as the name suggested, it was a burst of heated wind that carried a spray of sparks. Not so much wizard casts fireball as idiot drops a log on the campfire too hard. Showy, but ineffective; I already had more efficient ways of setting things on fire and Windburst itself would work better for harmlessly blowing people down.

Hey, any adventuring sorcerer would love to get their hands on that one, Sakin disagreed when I commented on this. Set that sucker off in anythings eyes and youve bought yourself an opening for whatever else you might want to do.

Windburst similarly didnt want to connect with mind spells, though I felt an odd lack of resistance when I tried to combine it with Tame Beast. Unusually for a simple two-spell combination, I couldnt make it work, but I could feel the magical code shifting around and rearranging, trying to link up. I gave up on it, though; it was as hard as pulling off a three-spell combination and I was just too tired to focus adequately.

Fittingly enough, it was my last effort of the evening that proved the most impressive. I was looking forward to being able to summon air slimes, mostly just out of curiosity at what an air slime would even look like. But though Windburst combined easily with Summon Slime, it did not grant me a new summons.

Instead

Huh, I said aloud, frowning.

Well? Donon asked impatiently.

Cmon, dont keep us in suspense! Goose added with a big grin.

I held out one hand, pointing at the far wall, and focused.

Slimeshot!

It just summoned a standard, useless slimeat about the velocity of a fired arrow. The slime ripped across the mess hall and hit the wall hard enough to splatter droplets in every direction.

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then wild cheering. And, from Sakin, hysterical laughter.

I slowly lowered my arm, feeling a grin of pure malicious anticipation spreading over my features. Not just at the prospect of being able to cast that at the next asshole who got on my nerves.

This was definitely no time to attempt a three-spell combination; I already knew I needed to rest and eat before trying that. But once I didand assuming the combination of Spark, Summon Slime and Windburst worked the way I hoped and didnt produce some annoyingly random bullshit

Well, I was willing to bet no other sorcerer on Ephemera could whip out a personal napalm cannon.

This was gonna be good.