Only Villains Do That

2.37 In Which the Dark Lord Catches Up on the Gossip

The only tricky part was getting out of the city; we ditched most of my adoring crowd by heading straight into the poison khora grove. Really useful, that, now that I knew it was there. A few stubborn individuals tried to track us further, but with Biribos help and that of a couple of fast-flowing streams, we gave them the slip. Then we linked up with one of my bandit gangs in the area, who had been told to watch for us via gwynnek messenger. I was almost as glad of the proof that my system was working as of the opportunity to eat for the first time that day and grab a few hours sleep. Well, okay, not even almost, but it was still very good to see.

We set out early the next morning for North Watch, just in time to reach it a bit before dusk.

I felt weird, abandoning the battlefield in what was basically the middle of the most important campaign, but this was the strategically sound decision. Over the last week, in the process of mixing up the bandit gangs Id incorporated, I had sent a couple dozen people back there to join the main forcewhere theyd form a significant fraction of those in the fortress, what with so many others being out holding down my newly-acquired territories. That would change once the column of thirty-three I was leading got home, but the fact remained that there was new blood settling into the organization, and I had learned the hard way it was much better for me to be personally on hand to oversee this. People looked to me for an example, terrifying and horrible as that reality was, and in the worst case scenario I could settle anybody who decided to openly rebel with a lot more finality than any of my lieutenants.

More immediately, the actual plan against Clan Olumnach required time to breathe. It would take days at least, possibly more on the order of weeks, for him to find out that most of his bandit gangsall of them close enough to the city to be usefulwere no longer under his control and in fact avoiding his agents, and begin reacting to that in a way that would enable Clan Yviredh to stir up their peers and ultimately bring Clan Aelthwyn into the mix. The effects of the Healers very public activities in the Gutters would also require time to bear fruit; I wasnt completely sure how long it would take the slimes to clean out the canals, since theyd have to multiply significantly to do so and thus their numbers and cleaning capacity would grow in lockstep, but at least some effects should start to show within days at the most. It would probably also take a few days for one of the various ham-fisted, sticky-fingered factions to swipe that healing slime Id left with the Convocation, but the beauty of that plan was that it was guaranteed to have the effect I wanted as by definition nobody would bother until it became widely known what that thing was and what it could do. Ideally, I should leave this alone until the Gutters had time to really start to appreciate the healing slime and then get properly angry once the gangs or the nobles or whoever took it.

Funny how easily my scheme would be thwarted if everyone in power in Gwyllthean agreed to share a valuable resource and show the basic sense not to further antagonize an already riled-up peasantry, and yet it was an absolute certainty that they would.

So it wasnt even as if this were a difficult strategic choice; every element in play pointed toward returning to North Watch for the time being. It just feltweird. Even knowing how things would almost certainly play out, I was finding it hard to trust that anything would go right if I didnt personally supervise it.

That, and youre worried, Aster agreed quietly that afternoon as we drew close to the fortress.

Well, yes, I just said that.

She shook her head, smiling faintly. And youre worried about your people, who are now all spread out where you cant reach them, or even see whats happening.

Exactly, I grumbled. God knows what theyll get up to.

And, she said gently, you wont be there to tank the hits for them, or apply your healing if they need it.

I left every group with at least two healing slimes.

She just looked at me, wearing that damnable, knowing little smile.

Look, Aster, Im making a hell of an omelet here; Im well past fretting about the eggs Ive gotta break.

You know, a couple months agohell, weeks agothat probably would have worked. She patted me gently on the upper arm. But Ive been with you too long now, Seiji. Its all right, you know. Its not a weakness to worry about them. If anything, thats one of the surest indications youre a man worth following.

Shut up, Aster, I growled. She had the goddamn temerity to laugh and pat me again.

Oh, theres the alarm, Nazralind said cheerfully from behind, where she loomed over us astride Newneh. Right on time!

It was indeed; the upper tower of North Watch had just come into view between the khora fronds, and the distant barking had begun, rapidly drawing closer.

Not bothering to suppress the grin on my face, I pulled ahead of the column, going to one knee with my arms stretched wide as Junko came tearing around the bend. As usual, it took a minute or two to be able to give her a proper hug, she was jumping and wiggling about in such excitement. God, Id missed this. If you want to experience unconditional love, get a dog. Nobody sapient is capable of being so pure.

Fortunately the delay didnt seem to bother anybody; my followers, as usual, grinned as they watched this little ritual. Good, I wouldnt trust anybody who doesnt love dogs at my back. One Sakin per army is more than enough. Once Junko settled down enough for us to resume moving, they kept coming forward in turns to pet her as she trotted along at my side. I allowed this infringement upon my personal privileges, becauseobviously. Im not a monster.

well

The welcoming party spared me from the dark turn of my own thoughts, fortunately.

That really is convenient, Minifrit drawled, taking a theatrical drag on her omnipresent pipe. Having been away from her for several days I found myself noting anew how much of a performance her every move was, and how well she pulled that off even when it was so very transparent. Maybe that was why I so instinctively respected her. Very useful, to always know when youre coming. Welcome home, Lord Seiji. Its good that youre back.

Something about that phrasing tickled the worry center of my brain even before Sakin, grinning as usual, chimed in.

Weve had a pretty interesting time the last few days.

Oh, no. I stepped fully through the gates, looking around. Nothing was visibly amiss, except that the women and several men drilling weapon forms in the courtyard had stopped to stare at me. Is everyone all right?

Minifrit blew smoke. Mostly. Janyn was stabbed, but we applied a healing slime to her in time. They seem not quite as powerful as your Heal spell; the wound was fully closed but in the aftermath the muscles were weakened and sore. It would not be amiss for you to Heal her properly, my lord, if you would.

Still a better outcome, Sakin added. That was a killing strike, if we didnt have magic slimes on hand.

Stabbed, I grated, by whom?

We dont strictly know, Minifrit said dourly, but

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But come on. Sakin shrugged; his grin, if anything, increased by a fraction. How many people are invisible and have a knife?

She was here.

It hit me like a kick in the chest. The familiar burn blossoming from just behind my lungs, like a bad case of acid reflux, followed by a surge of nervous energy coursing through every limb. Rising up my spine, pounding behind my temples, twisting my features. That old familiar friend. The rage. The searing, mind-destroying promise that someone was going to fucking die.

That bitch. She came to my home, dared to stick her knife in one of my people? Shed had it. I was going to hack off her hands and feet and spend the entire night chain-Immolating her until there was nothing left of her mind. I was going to Junko laid her ears back and growled at no one, picking up my mood instantly.

Nazralind took one look at me and loudly cleared her throat. All right, ladies and gents! Lord Seijis busy, you can pet the dog later. Everybody inside, we all deserve some hot chow and a real bed.

Everybody took the hint, with none of the good-natured sass and backtalk Id come to expect from my followers. The column streamed into fortress; Minifrit, Sakin, Aster, and I were a rock around which they parted in sudden haste to be far away.

Explain, I said tightly, pleased at how well my voice remained under control.

The situation has become complicated, said Minifrit, for once not pausing to theatrically inhale or blow smoke before speaking. The attack on our walls that injured Janyn was only one recent event in a chain; I will begin at the beginning and ask you to bear with me.

Do.

First, the catfolk have begun testing our borders.

The fucking cats attacked us? I exclaimed.

Sakin cleared his throat. No, Lord Seiji. Its a whole story; let her talk, please.

I bit back my instinctive response. None of this was their fault and taking it out on them would be the worst kind of counterproductive. Right, sorry. Go on.

Minifrit nodded, seeming to take no offense. To date, the cats have not actively interfered with us, and in a sense it is not we who are being tested. Kassers cutting teams began to find large collections of pawprints, so obvious that they had to have been left deliberately. They were always inside the perimeter of dark elf totems, usually no more than a few strides inside, and near one. It appears the cats are deliberately challenging the elfs authority. At the moment we dont know how that tangle has been progressing, because as things have begun heating up out there weve stopped sending out cutting teams. That was at Kassers request, she added pointedly, but I approved it on my authority. If you disagree, no need to take it up with him.

I shook my head curtly. No, thats the right call. Lives are more important than resources. Has anyone seen the cats, or communicated with them?

She shook her head. We have the walls lit up, but havent placed bottled light slimes in the forest outskirts the way we were considering. With you not present to summon more, I didnt want to sacrifice any of ours in a situation where theyd most likely be stolen. As it is, anyone mucking around in the forest at night can see our sentries far more clearly than the reverse, and the cats are undoubtedly experts at stalking.

Right, makes sense. What happened then?

Next came the attack in which Janyn was injured. Minifrit turned and nodded at Sakin, with no indication of reluctance or resentment; if I didnt know how those two got along Id never have guessed how much she hated giving him credit. Well, as long as they could be professional when it mattered, I saw no reason to insist everybody be friends. Sakins defense plan worked perfectly. Every sentry is always within sight of two others, and the alarm was raised the second Janyn went down. Others reacted swiftly, which is how we got the slime to her fast enough that she survived. It wasnt our people who actually repelled the attack, however. The invisible foe was shot, twice, from the forest.

I blinked, then frowned incredulously. The cats helped us?

No, Lord Seiji, she said, allowing a hint of impatience to enter her tone, which given Minifrits impeccable self-control was as good as telling me to shut the fuck up already. Weve still had no direct contact from the catfolk, hostile or otherwise. The archer out there was able to hit an invisible target, who was in the middle of a fight, twice. One was a glancing shot which enabled us to recover the arrow; the other actually impaled her.

Shes dead? I burst out, having instantly forgotten my decision of three seconds ago to be quiet until the story was finished.

Could be, Sakin said with a cavalier shrug, but weve seen no body, and when it comes to that bitch Gray Im gonna insist on rifling through her cold pockets my damn self before I believe shes actually bitten it off. Considering our friend out there is clearly trying to get on our good side, I suspect theyd present the corpse as a giftif there was a corpse.

Aster grimaced. Well, we know she carries healing potions

So we were not that fortunate, or so it is probably best to assume, agreed Minifrit, smoke dripping from her lips as she spoke.

Oh, shit, Biribo muttered, causing everyone to look at him. This arrow. Was it silvery-white, and really overdesigned? More like an art piece than functional ammunition?

Exactly, said Minifrit. Beautiful thing. The aesthetic reminds me of higher-quality artifact gear, and the highborn fashion which imitates it.

Biribo? I demanded.

He did an excited little loop-the-loop in the air, flicking his tongue out at me. Boss! Remember when you asked about powerful artifacts that could counter Grays dagger, and I told you about that bow the dark elves have?

I clapped a hand to my forehead. Are you serious?

Yep, thats the one, definitely! Never misses a shot, conjures its own ammo when the string is pulled back. That ammo, specificallyreally pretty arrows that would be way too expensive to actually use as arrows if somebody had to make them with their own two hands.

I want to see this arrow, I stated.

Minifrit and Sakin winced in unison.

Oh, what the fuck now?

As I said, we were able to recover it, Minifrit repeated, frowning in irritation. I had it stored as securely as we were able for you to examine. It was subsequently unrecovered, from our vault. Nothing else was taken, butit appears our dark elven friend is particular about what traces they leave behind.

Its worth pointing out that our vault is just the only closet with a solid door and a functioning lock, Sakin cackled. Nothing thatd more than slow down a Sylver shadow scout.

Thats right, we still need to get the actual vault repaired, I muttered. There was one in the fortress, but someone had torn the door right off and actually knocked down part of the attached wall at some point. Id directed Kasser to leave that far down the priority list, as wed not had a problem with thieving among the ranks and there just wasnt much of great value in the fortress. So to sum up, were in the middle of a three-way power struggle between the cat tribe, the dark elves, and Lady Gray which is all around and all about us but in which we are somehow not even involved?

Thatsmore or lessnot inaccurate, Minifrit acknowledged.

Well, I know a solution for that, I growled. Good on you for hunkering down, but now Im back and so is Aster. Its high time we went to have an actual talk with the cats.

Everything we previously discussed still applies, boss, Biribo warned. You sacrifice the position of strength by being the one to

The beautiful thing about that, Biribo, is that I can swiftly re-establish a position of strength by Immolating everyone who so much as looks at me wrong in front of all their friends. I felt my lip curling into a snarl as I talked. The rage pulsing in me wasnt even about the cats, but theyd do for an outlet. I should have done this weeks ago. Waiting on them to make a move was a mistake. If they want to test our strength, I will show it to them. And then we will have a calm, polite discussion.

I received a round of skeptical looks.

A calm, polite discussion, I repeated with more emphasis. Because the alternative to reaching an accord is to wipe them the fuck out, and while Ive never done a genocide it sure does sound like a whole bunch of messy effort toward no productive end. Ive got more important shit to do, and Lady Gray is at the top of that list. The instant we dont have to worry about being shot in the back by angry kitties, I want that fucking forest torn apart until she is found and at my mercy!

That is a terrible idea, Aster said immediately. Weve already been over this, Lord Seiji. We have the advantage so long as shes forced to come at our defenses, which are set up specifically to counter her. As soon as we start trying to hunt her in the forest, that situation is reversed. Shell pick off our people one by one.

You want to just fucking sit here and let her keep knifing people on the walls until she breaks through? I exclaimed.

Healing potions or no, two days ago she was shot twice and fell off that wall, Sakin pointed out. Assuming she is still alive, shes not gonna be up to trying that again for a while. More importantly, shes being stalked by an equally persistent dark elf trying to earn our favor, who is much more suited for that than we are. Strategically, the most effective use of our strength is to cow the cat tribe into submission so our Shylver ally can work.

You really want to trust the lives of everyone we have on watch to some unknown dark elf against the ultimate assassinjust what in the fuck is so goddamn funny?!

Biribo had just had the exceedingly poor taste to interrupt me by bursting out laughing so hard he forgot to fly for a second and lost a meter of altitude.

Ultimate assassin? he wheezed. Boss, may I remind of you of your first meeting with Lady Gray? When she failed to kill you, and then her next move was to drop her invisibility and try to intimidate you with a speech. And then kept doing that. Assassin, my scaly tailshes more like you: all charisma and grandstanding. That woman has gotta be the worst assassin Ive ever heard of. The fact that she has the ultimate assassins weapon is just an insulting waste, is what it is.

And thats another thing, I agreed. I want that fucking daggerand whatever it is shes using to block spell targeting. If we let the dark elves get her, Ill lose those artifacts. They may want to impress me, but I cant see them just handing over something that valuable.

I see your point, but I think youre looking at it backward, Lord Seiji, said Aster, shaking her head. It would be great to get those artifacts, yes, but you dont have them now. Its not like you can lose them. Having them change hands from a known enemy to an ally is still a win for us.

I hadnt noticed it happening, but my hands had clenched into claws at my sides and were actively trembling. The rage pounded in the back of my throat so hard it was impeding my breathing.

I want that womans head, I hissed. The sound of my own voice was alien, like the warning rattle of some angry reptile.

That cannot be a priority right now. Minifrit managed to be utterly implacable and nonconfrontational at the same time, a skill that had doubtless been perfected over years as a brothel madam. Do not take me for some priest or moralist; I know very well the value and the delicious sweetness of revenge. If your enemies can be made to suffer, they should be. But, never at the expense of more productive goals.

Grand final confrontations are great for stories, added Sakin, but life doesnt work like that. The mark of true power is that you dont even have to do anything and your enemies die ignominiously in a ditch somewhere from the sheer inherent blowback of trying to fuck with you. This is you winning, Lord Seiji. Dont fuck it up.

Thanks to you, in the space of a few months, Lady Gray has gone from privilege and power as the uncontested crime boss of the Gutters to scrabbling around in the wild khora, being hunted like an animal. Minfrits eyes bored into mine, all but visibly willing me to come around to her point of view. Lord Seiji, you could chain her to a wall and spend an entire night casting your fire spell on her, and it would not be a greater vengeance than what you have already done to her.

I drew in a deep breath to argue, feeling it shudder in my chest.

Youre scaring Junko, Aster said quietly.

That, finally, made me freeze. I looked down; Junko was pressed against my leg, still growling softly, but staring wide-eyed around in uncertainty. She could feel my fury and shared it, but was in her safe home surrounded by friends, seeing no threat. Id been ignoring her for the last few minutes, and only now realized how the confusion must be wearing on her.

The rage didnt flicker out like a candleI dont think it really works like that. It began to gutter, though. There were more important things for me to care about.

Slowly, I sank to a crouch, forcing myself to breathe deeply and evenly, and put an arm around the dog, gently ruffling her ears with my other hand.

Fine, I said after a moment in which none of my lieutenants spoke, just letting me process. Fine. Thenwe should figure out how to be more proactive about these dark elves. Even if they manage to solve some problems for us, from everything Ive been told about Viryans thatll only cede advantages to them when they finally decide to show themselves and actually negotiate.

Im absolutely sure thats literally why theyre doing it this way, Biribo agreed. Viryans try never to negotiate except from a position of power. If they come to you without having something major to offer, along with proof of their worth, itll mean theyre completely desperate. Which, apparently, they are not.

Dark elf, singular, Minifrit said with a smug smile, blowing a streamer of smoke.

Now, how can you possibly know that? I demanded.

I didnt get a chance to finish my account of whats been happening in your absence, Lord Seiji. If youll come with me, lets round up Gilder and go to the kitchen. There has been another development which I think will put you in a better mood.