Only Villains Do That

2.6 In Which the Dark Lord Outsmarts Himself and No One is Surprised

I handed my new minions off to my older minions while accepting Junkos customary exuberant greeting. Minifrit, as usual, was up and about and in control bright and early; she smoothly swept up the new arrivals and ushered them off in the custody of herself and a few girls she had designated her helpers to get something to eat. Breakfast was being served in the mess hall, which was the usual tumultuous affair because despite my best efforts, this was a castle full of mostly ex-prostitutes and not any kind of military encampment. At this point, I figured the disorder fostered camaraderie and didnt demand too much of my people, which was probably better for them while they were all still adjusting to such a massive change in life circumstances.

Breakfast sounded good to me, toothat and a nice long nap. However, there was as usual no rest for the wicked and I spotted something scampering through the mess hall which reminded me of a task I needed to perform. Six somethings, in fact. And I didnt so much spot them as wouldve been run over had I been less adroit on my feet.

Oi! I grabbed Gilder by the collar, causing a pileup as the five children chasing him failed to stop in time. Theres a whole courtyard out there for you to run around in, what the hell is wrong with you? People are carrying food in here!

Sorry, Lord Seiji! he said, trying unsuccessfully to give me the big puppy eyes without first erasing his characteristic irrepressible grin, because Gilder had never been sorry for anything in his life.

Being a good influence on the new kids already, I see.

You know it, bossman! Well have em trained up proper in no time!

Great, I said sourly, looking past Benit and Radon at the three younger children who were bringing up the rear of the pack. Thats another fun conversation with their parents I have to look forward to.

I had been mildly but only briefly surprised to pick up a few strays in the process of recruiting nearly all the prostitutes in the Gutters. There were others adjacent to them who had eagerly bought what I was selling, and a few whod taken the opportunity to extract their loved ones from the city to my fortress if only because said loved ones were likely to become the targets of a very pissed-off Lady Gray if they remained. I had not expected brothel bouncers to be family men, but a couple were, and their families were now my responsibility.

In the final tally, I had picked up ninety-three ex-prostitutes, six madams (including Minifrit and Gannit), eight bouncers, three housewives attached to said bouncers and subsequently, three children in addition to my original three Gutter Rats, plus five johns whod been nearby and really liked my speech. Well, there was also that one guy Id spoken to during the long hike back from Gwyllthean, whod quietly admitted he knew falling in love with a whore was the stupidest thing a man could do, but if she wasnt a whore anymore, he figured if he stuck close he might have a shot. This was definitely not the first time someone had joined a rebellion or criminal syndicate for that exact reason, so I didnt have the heart to tell him what an idiot he was.

Well, okay, thats not true. I refrained from telling him what an idiot he was because that would have a negative effect on morale, and anyway, the guy seemed well aware that he was an idiot so who was I to judge? I was the Dark Lord, not his dad.

All of which had brought up the additional problem that I now needed to address.

All right, we need to have a talk, I said, putting on a grim tone. You three! Go get some breakfast, politely, and eat it with your families. Youve got all day to run around like lunatics, its too early for this.

Id pointed at the three newer kids immediately behind my trio and immediately regretted my approach. All three looked terrified; one managed an abortive two-armed twitch that might have been an attempt to fold down hands at me before they all turned and fled toward the kitchen.

Cmon, Lord Seiji, theyre just softy town kids, Gilder said reprovingly. Weve told em youre nice, but they aint had time to see that yet. Gettin told off by the fuckin Dark Lords just gonna give em nightmares.

That wont make their parents happy, either, Benit added solemnly.

I agreed and hadnt meant to spook them that badly, but this was no time to show weakness. I dont want to hear it, I said severely. With me, now. I want a word with the three of you. And no trying to run off or Ill have Junko drag you back.

Junko obliged by barking emphatically, causing multiple nearby adults to wince. Understandable; she was loud in an echoing space like this, not to mention a big scary-looking dog. Everybody who hadnt actively scritched or played with her seemed nervous around Junko. I had decided not to discourage this.

Now you done it, Radon muttered, knuckling Gilder in the ribs. Good job.

Biribo, I muttered as I turned and led them away, I need a private spot for a chat.

Gotcha, boss, he replied equally quietly, right next to my ear. South gatehouse tower was clear when we came in. I think it still is.

The trio followed me without trouble, I suspect in part because Junko slipped to the rear to herd them. Thanks to the effects of Tame Beast, she sensed and acted on my needs even better than an actually-trained dog. Often I didnt even have to give her commands. Sometimes I only gave her commands to remind people that I had a big dog who could bite their necks off. It was funny how that could sometimes be a more pressing threat than my known ability to cause spontaneous human combustion.

We did indeed find the tower empty, lit only by a bottled light slime. By this point they had all but replaced asauthec torches throughout the fortress. This was, I noted in some surprise, the very room into which Virya had first dropped me when I arrived on Ephemera. I hadnt actually been in here since then. The memories werent great.

I waited for Benit to shut the door behind us before I grinned at them.

Relax, kids, youre not in trouble. I just needed to put on a little show for the onlookers so I could get a word with you away from snoopy ears.

Oh ho, Gilder crowed, perking up immediately. Just like the good old days! Whats happening now, Lord Seiji?

Old business first, I said, pulling out a chair from the rooms table and seating myself. There were two chairs; I didnt know whether this was the one the dead peddler had been in or the one Id kicked at Kasser and frankly, I didnt want to know. Hows exploration going? I hope you havent involved those three townies, they dont seem as scrappy as you guys.

Yeah, no worries, we leave em out of it, Radon assured me. They got families who take up some of their time. Gives us a good excuse to ditch em.

We havent found anything really interesting yet, Lord Seiji, Benit reported more quietly. We havent looked everywhere yet, but at this point I dont expect to find much.

Hey, you never know! Gilder said, cheery as always. It aint over till its over!

Im not expecting much either, I agreed, nodding at Benit. Id be pretty surprised to find either treasure or booby traps in a dump like North Watch, but still. Theres no point in having three sharp-eyed little scouts if I dont use you, now is there?

All three puffed up visibly.

Just remember my rules, I added in a more severe tone.

Always carry a light, Gilder chimed.

If we see anything weird, poke it with a stick before using our hands, said Radon.

Exploring the fortress is not an excuse to dig through the personal belongings of people actually living here, Benit finished.

Truthfully having the three of them poke through the as yet un-refurbished chambers and back corridors of North Watch was pretty pointless in terms of productivity; there was nothing back there but dust, crawns, spiders, and the moldy leavings of the fortresss previous occupation by the Kingsguard and the local cat tribe. All of which was decayed to scraps and mush by now. But I figured playing explorer would give the kids something to do thatd stave off their inevitable boredom, which out here was likely to result in them wandering off into the khora and getting grabbed by cat people.

Very good, I said approvingly. Now, I have another job for you.

You can count on us, Lord Seiji! Gilder said, beaming.

Believe me, youve more than proved that. So, as you know, weve now got over a hundred people in this fortress, and that means weve got security risks that werent a factor before. Theres no way for me to know or keep track of everybody here as personally as I did when my gang was just six bandits and the three of you. Added to that, some of our new arrivals are only here because I made it too dangerous for them to stay in Gwyllthean; at least a few are bound to resent that. Plus, weve got recruits from several of Lady Grays former gangs, and the sheer number of people and the circumstances has to have created the opportunity for an operator as sharp as Gray to have slipped a spy or two into the ranks.

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You dont know who you can trust, Benit said seriously.

Not yet. I nodded at her.

So you need us to do some good old-fashioned Gutter Rat snooping! Gilder said with a proper Gilder Grin, the kind that made him look like his face might split in half.

Sort of yes, but also definitely not. I made my own expression more solemn to compensate. I want no active snooping, and heres why. Among my other pressing needs, I have to manage the morale of this crew. Theyre pretty fired up after our successes, but things are inevitably gonna get more monotonous around here, and we will eventually lose some of our battles. I have to do everything possible to make sure everyone feels safe, welcomed, and part of the group. That cant happen if they think Im having my personal spies rummage through all their shit as soon as their backs are turned. Understand?

All three of them nodded, wearing the incredibly serious expressions that only children and insufferably pompous people could wear.

What I do want you to do is actively keep your eyes and ears open, I continued. Dont go looking directly into peoples business, but dont forget all those skills you learned working for Uncle Gently. Take note of anything you spot that pings your instincts. Dont follow up without direct orders from me, but do come to me if you spot anything that seems like it should be snooped into. Ill decide how to proceed from there, on a case by case basis.

You got it, Lord Seiji! Gilder assured me, puffing up his thin chest.

Im serious about this, I warned. If I start getting complaints that you three are sticking your noses into shit without my permission, Im gonna have to call off the operation and come down on you. Dont put me in that position.

We wont, Lord Seiji, Benit said, nodding.

You can always count on us, Radon added.

To be truthful, while my argument about morale was correct and important, the greater part of my concern was that anybody spying on behalf of Lady Gray wouldnt hesitate to silence and dispose of a child. That argument would impress Benit, but the boys were frustratingly oblivious to the concept of their own mortality. Hopefully this would keep them engaged enough to ward off boredom, not put them in danger, and also might even lead to useful intel if we did have a mole or two. While I was motivated in large part by my guilt over the way Id used and endangered the kids in the past, the fact remained that they were very effective little snoops. Theyd been trained for it from the cradle.

Good! I stood back up, dusting off my trousers, and Junko also rose from the seat shed taken next to me. I do love knowing who I can trust around here. Thanks, guys.

Are you gonna stay in the castle for a while longer, Lord Seiji? Benit asked.

Sorry, I said, grimacing. Ive left the situation in Gwyllthean unattended for too long as it is. I need to get back there and tie up some loose ends.

Justbe careful, she said, her eyes big and focused. Lady Gray mayve been hurt, but shell just be madder because of it. That bitch wont stop being dangerous till well after shes dead.

Dont you worry, Im well aware of what a piece of work Gray is, I assured Benit, patting her head. And putting her down for good is a big part of why I need to check up on my interests in the city. Ive gotta get back there as soon as possible. Whichll probably be tomorrow, considering the night Ive already had. Lets go get some breakfast, and then the Dark Lord needs some actual sleep.

Yeah, I hear naps start to get important, later in life, Gilder said in an excessively solemn tone. It must be really hard being old, Lord Seiji.

Well, I have good news, you little shit: keep talking to me like that and youll never have to find out.

He laughed, which made me feel a bit better about the misunderstanding earlier. At least some people around here knew I wasnt an indiscriminate murderous madman.

I really hoped they were still right about that.

Some of these are going to be easier to get than others, Cadimer Auldmaer (not to be confused with the even less pronounceable Caldimer Olumnach) said the next day in his office as he studied the list of our material needs Id given him. Grant me an hour to work on this and I can have it divvied up into what I can supply directly, indirectly, or not at all, with notes on where and how you can go about acquiring the objects from each category.

Thatll be perfect, I agreed, nodding. And in fact, while youre doing that Id like you to keep in mind a change in procedure. My organizations needs have grown beyond the ability of your company to directly supply them, and I dont want to put an unnecessary strain on your resources. For the same reason, our ability to acquire liquid capital has substantially increased. Id like you to pivot the focus of your support from directly supplying us to assisting me in meeting our own needs without leaving an annoying paper trail.

Splendid, thats the best thing for us both, Lord Seiji, he said with a grin. And thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of bringing it up.

How are things looking for you so far?

Oh, this has been a satisfyingly profitable relationship, he said cheerfully. Two months isnt a lot of time for big investments to bear fruit, but those nice conservative, boring investments we talked about have done very well in the interim, especially with you discreetly trimming some of the competition. The losses you took from my own caravans have barely nibbled at my profit margins. I am about at the point of sniffing around for my next big opportunity, now that the company has a solid base from which to move. On that subject, he added a bit more hesitantly, and please understand I mean no disrespect, Lord Seiji, I think Id prefer to pull this off without your assistance if possible.

No disrespect is taken, I said, giving him a slight smile. I think thats for the best. All these months spent looking innocent arent going to amount to much if every windfall you have comes violently at the expense of your competition. Best to save your trump card for emergencies.

Just so, Auldmaer said with clear relief. I will of course keep you informed, in case such an emergency pops up. Now, in the meantime, we just need to draw up this months list of necessary, irrelevant, and hands-off targets.

I do need you to broaden the scope of those, I said. As I mentioned, were expanding operations and I dont want to accidentally cause problems for you. Also, theres another variable to factor in: Ive recently learned that were now in direct competition with Clan Olumnach for the same general objectives.

Wasnt that true from the outset? he asked, cocking his head.

Only in a strictly technical sense, I admitted with a grimace. That Crown Rose incident aside, up till now weve been strictly small potatoes as far as somebody like Olumnach is concerned. Starting now, though, I fully intend to cut into his business in a serious way. A massive way. As in, Im going to take all of his business. Ill be proceeding in such a way that the name Lord Seiji never comes into it; the last thing I want is to accidentally create a trail back to you. By all means, profit from Clan Olumnachs misfortune, just no more than any of the other merchant companies.

I can do you one better, he mused, a sly little smile flicking across his features. With a littlesurgical accounting and some help from you, I can arrange for one of my most annoying competitors to profit significantly from Clan Olumnachs misfortune. And then let nature take its course.

Now, that is creatively vicious, I congratulated him. Good show.

Fortunately, Im ahead of you on this one, Lord Seiji. Everybody knows what Olumnach is doing, even if nobody dares call him out on it openly. Theres a cottage industry among the information brokers down at the Traders Guild to keep on top of his investments for the specific purpose of not stepping on his toes. All of us in the business have a vested interest in not antagonizing the bandit lord of Dount. The Auldmaer Company was previously too small to need to worry about that, but Ive recently begun to patronize them. Staying out of Highlord Caldimers hair should be simple enough, especially if you forewarn me what youre planning to do.

Ill keep you posted. Olumnach should be a more distant threat, at least for the time being. Right now our big problem is the difficulty in communicating with you. Im afraid Lady Gray is good and mad at me at present, which makes itinterestingto get in and out of the city.

Yes, I wondered about that. Eyebrows rising, he glanced back and forth between me and Aster, who was leaning against the wall by the door. Dare I ask how you got here this time?

Oh, it was easy, she said, deadpan. We paid a teamster to smuggle us in on his cart. In crates that were supposed to be full of nails. It was extremely comfortable.

You dont get to complain, I stated, pointing at her. My crate actually still had nails in it.

Things like that will work in the short term, if you dont mind the indignity, Auldmaer said carefully, but every time a trick is used, its future utility diminishes. Especially when youre dealing with somebody like Lady Gray, who knows all the tricks to begin with. I appreciated the warning you sent about her; Ive improved security here at headquarters and around my other interests. Launching a direct attack on me isnt a viable move for her, but someone like that has all kinds of indirect means of getting her point across. At the very minimum, I would expect her to already have my place under surveillance.

Dealing with Gray for good is high on my priority list, I assured him, but as you no doubt understand, thats not something I can just saunter out of here and do. The necessary arrangements have to be careful. In the short term, are you reasonably confident she wont come after you personally?

Oh, its not even about me, he said with a grin, waving away that concern. Lady Grays entire business model depends on the Clans disinterest in what lowborn do to each other. Im a moneyed middleborn in the middle ring whos financially connected to bigger trading companies and several of the Clans. If she sent thugs up here to mess with me or my business, its not my business that would motivate the Clansguards to stomp her back down. They wont stand for a Gutter criminal wandering too close to their own spheres of activity.

Yes, so Ive been told. My concern is that in my own interactions with Gray I have found herfrustratingly competent. Shes crafty and maneuvers fast. Like you said, there have to be ample ways for her to mess with you and not call down the wrath of the Clans.

Well, yes, thats the weakness in that particular defense, he agreed, his smile fading. Nobody in the upper rings is going to bother moving on my behalf unless the Gutters crime queen steps visibly out of her place. To counter her more oblique moves, I would need the kinds of connections I dont have. You, Lord Seiji, are my only asset against measures like that. And while your commitment to ending her permanently is reassuring, in an eventual sort of way, in the shorter term

Its the cause of your problem, not the solution, I acknowledged. To that end, I can still help. Ive already primed Rhydion to be looking into Grays business; if I introduce you to him, then Gray putting even a plausibly deniable finger anywhere near you will call down a level of wrath even she isnt prepared to deal with.

Rhydion? He straightened up in visible shock. The paladin? How would youthat is, forgive me, Lord Seiji, but I, ah You dont seem like the type of person he would associate with. Very much the opposite, to be frank.

Well, youre not wrong, I said, grinning. For now, Rhydion wants something from me, so hes being unusually tolerant of my charmingly irascible antics.

The problem with that plan, said Aster, is that Rhydion doesnt want anything from a trading company this size. No offense, Master Auldmaer, but hes already got more money than you, and follows a way of life that disdains material comforts.

Yeah, but there are those adventurer friends of his, I said. His new party of localsthat priestess, and the asshole with the mustache.

Oh, that is a very exploitable angle, Auldmaer said. I could practically see the wheels turning behind his eyes. Adventurers are always in need of goodies. You dont even have to bribe them with artifacts or anything so munificent. Lets see A case of potions with my compliments, and the offer to sell them more at a steep discount. They always want potions. Yes, that would set the hook deeply. Im not actively in the potions trade right now, but Ive got a contact I can leverage to get them at cost.

Try the same with the city guard, I suggested. Theyre broadly useless as an actual city guard, but the nice thing about them being a bunch of thugs is that theyre probably up for off-the-books thuggery, if they like you and/or you spend some money. Ive already set my good friend Captain Norovena on Grays trail, too, so the pump is primed.

Paladins and guard captains, he said, staring at me. You know, Lord Seiji, for a bandit, you keep very peculiar company.

Oh, Norovenas not such a surprising contact, I explained with a pleasant smile. I bribed him. A lot. Hes very interested in my continued survival and financial solvency.

I do think thatll do it, Auldmaer said slowly. Prestigious adventurers and crooked guards Those are exactly the kind of friends who quietly make problems go away. Guards are almost laughably easy to get on your side, too, at least in this country. If you can provide me the actual names of those party members of Rhydions, in a handful of days I can have myself set up such that even Lady Gray will hesitate to poke at me with the longest stick she has. If shes already watching my comings and goings, as I strongly suspect, shell even know that Im off limits without having to learn the hard way. I must say, Lord Seiji, for all the trouble you cause, you are admirably conscientious about mitigating its unfortunate consequences.

I do what I can, I said modestly, reaching into my coat. And on that subject in particular, theres something else I wanted to ask you about. I have a short list of people who are connected to people who are connected to the bloody lip I recently gave Lady Gray. Can you possibly locate any of these without drawing attention to them? There are limits to what I can realistically do, but if I can protect any of these from blowback, I consider it my responsibility.

The list was pretty short, for having been drawn from everybody currently at North Watch whod been invited to participate. Apparently few of them had connections in Gwyllthean, and of those, a lot had had the foresight to bring their connections with them.

I can give it a look, but please understand theres very little I can do in that regard, Auldmaer cautioned me, accepting the sheet of paper and examining it. Given the near-certainty that Gray has eyes on me already, I have very little chance of pulling off anything without her notice. Me investigating anyone through the channels I have access to would just lead her directlyoh! I know this guy.

Something in his expression and tone made a prickle run down my spine. Apparently not just mine; Aster unfolded her arms and took a step closer to us.

Auldmaer set the list down on his desk and pointed to one name. Cwynnar Alsiada. Hes a porter who works at the Traders Guildhall. Ive seen him now and again but I doubt Id have remembered him before this morning. He came by my offices just today.

Oh, let me guess, I whispered.

I thought at the time it was pretty odd, Auldmaer said gravely. He claimed hed gotten a message from me offering to hire his services for the day. Obviously I had no idea what he was talking about. Poor fellow was rather miffed, but we put it down to somebody playing a somewhat dull practical joke on him. Of course, in light of this

Cwynnar Alsiada was the brother of one of Minifrits bouncers who had joined my army. Supposedly, the only family he had.

She deliberately brought him to your attention, Aster whispered. And if shes got people watching these offices, she probably knows were here Oh, shit. She outmaneuvered us again, didnt she?

Of course she fucking did, I spat, already rising from my chair. Beneath the annoyance and self-recrimination, though, I felt something else rising up. Something dark, and avidthe all-consuming rage that had kept me on my feet and fighting all through the battle in Cat Alley. The thing that had all but blotted out my personality and replaced it with pure, homicidal destruction.

She had flanked me yet again; her ambushers were undoubtedly closing in already. And a big part of me welcomed it.

All right, Gray, you know Im here. This time I dont have a whole district full of people to protect. Round two, new rules.