Only Villains Do That

4.2 In Which the Dark Lord Musters his Forces

That was when the old Seiji probably wouldve suffered a broken nose, but I hadnt been training for nothing. I caught the flying tome of history, rather deftly if I do say so myself.

Dont hold back, Sneppit, I replied sweetly. Tell us how you really feel.

You lose the attitude, buddy! the goblin shouted back, pointing at me. She was actually standing up in her chair and so was slightly taller than the rest of us, for once. You are not even paying these people! I knew I was gonna find some irregularities in auditing this cobbled-together mess of an organization, but come the fuck on. Howre you gonna run an entire operation this sizehell, any sizeand nobodys drawing a salary?! Boy, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Well, hey, I figured, the core of our mission is to completely wipe out and replace the extant civilization here, right? I spread my hands disarmingly, still smiling. So, its a question of using the right tool for the right job. Ergo: communism.

Sneppit paused in her wrathful diatribe to squint suspiciously at me. What the hell is communism?

The second most efficient way to reduce a society to rubble.

There was a beat of silence before Nazralind was the one to take the bait.

Okay, I know Im gonna regret asking, but you all realize I have to, right? She turned to face me, visibly steeling herself. What, Lord Seiji, is the first most efficient way to reduce a society to rubble?

I opened my mouth to answer and then paused, having a sudden thought. Actuallyhm. Hey, Biribo, is there even uranium on this planet?

What the hell is uranium?

Okay, never mind. Communism number one.

Do I need to understand what hes talking about? Sneppit demanded of the room at large.

Not usually, Aster assured her.

This isnt exactly a business, Sneppit, Minifrit interjected smoothly. We are not giving out conventional salaries, no, but everyones needs are provided for. Food, housing, any other necessary supplies, and even free medical care courtesy of Lord Seijis magic. The standard of living here is better than most of them have ever experienced, and thats not even taking into account that everyones participation in the Crusade is ideologically motivated.

Im hearin a lot of failure to learn from the mess Jadrak made, Sneppit retorted. Revolutionary fervor wont last forever, and we all know damn well at least some of the people under our banner are here cos the alternative was getting turned into torches. Youve done a way better job of integrating and encouraging them than Jadrak ever tried to, but thats not an excuse to get complacent. If you wanna make membership about ideology, then youre headin for a disaster if you keep ranting about serfdom and unjust social systems while not compensating people for the value of their labor, Dark Lord.

That finally brought me up short. She was right, and I felt an immediate surge of shame that Id failed to even consider this. Here Id gone and made myself a hypocrite again, the one thing I hated most of all.

These counterpoints are valid, Velaven said into the ensuing silence, but Sneppit is also correct. This organizations origins in banditry might make it tempting to regard as a business, and it is worth remembering that it ultimately is not. A Dark Crusade is a military venture, and in the case of this one, starting without sponsorship from any established state, it must function as its own government as well. And notably, militaries and governments alike pay their employees. Failure to provide soldiers wages is historically the most common cause of an armys disastrous collapse.

There, see? Sneppit pointed at her. She gets it.

This situation probably calls for a somewhatunique arrangement, Velaven continued. We are a crime syndicate, a rebellion, and a sovereign state aspiring to become an empire, simultaneously. All those needs must be considered. I recommend setting up a hybrid structure, with separate channels for military and civilian personnel, arranged so as to interface smoothly with one another at need.

Now this is great stuff, keep it comin. Sneppit held up one hand, snapping her fingers, and Ydleth smoothly stepped forward to place a clipboard with a pencil and fresh sheet of paper in it, whereupon Sneppit began jotting notes. Of all the changes that had come since wed integrated the goblins, this one had surprised me the most. Not surprise that Ydleth felt more comfortable among goblins than her own people, shed started showing signs of that almost as soon as we had ventured into Kzidnak, but that Sneppit wanted a personal assistant who lacked any secretarial experience. But they both seemed happy and the work was getting done, so I kept my mouth shut. I am gonna work on designing a proper compensation structure along with the organizational framework. I may wanna borrow your dark elf, Lord Seiji.

Shes not a milk goat I can just lend out, you know.

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I am pleased to be of assistance in any way I might, Velaven assured us. Consider me at your disposal.

Zui and Kasser both wrinkled their noses, but fortunately no one commented. Velaven had been working diligently to integrate (and ingratiate) herself, and not everyone appreciated it. At least thered been no outright conflict over her yet.

All right, Snep, Im mostly convinced, I said aloud. This may be a dumb question, but can we afford to give everybody a salary? I was under the impression

Right now itd be tight, but I have a plan, Sneppit said crisply. The Crusade, being supported mostly by organized crime, does run a surplus, but hasnt been leveraging that properly for the purpose of income. I know, I know, you did that on purpose, but hear me out. Our raids have prioritized useful material over liquid currency; we can up our cash flow just by liberating more coin while were at it. Since your policy is to target nobles and wealthier merchants anyway, that can be done without sacrificing our commitment to not taking more than people can afford. The main impediment till now has been the difficulty of dumping all that money onto our merchant contacts to turn into stuff we can immediately use without straining his own connections, but I propose to actually reverse that, selling him any excess materiel in exchange for coin. The trade situation on Dount being what it is, thatll be easier for the Auldmaer Company to do without drawing undue attention, especially if we support em with our Gutters contacts. With all that plus the increased income from the Gutters once your hold on the local gangs is consolidated, it should be plenty. Dont forget you have all of Kzidnak now as an industrial base. Food will still be an issue, but youre now able to manufacture most of everything else well need.

Everybody may be in good spirits now, she continued, looking severely at me over the rims of her pink spectacles, but trust me, compensating people directly will get you much better results. The ability to grant raises, bonuses, and promotions for good performance provides motivation and encourages ambition; its absolutely necessary for getting the most out of your personnel.

Youve made your case, I agreed. Proceed at your discretion, Sneppit. Ill want to authorize this compensation plan once its done, of course, but pending that youre good to go.

Excellent, she said with clear satisfaction, holding the clipboard up over her shoulder. Ydleth snatched it away and placed another sheet of paper in her hand, which she then examined. That handled, I have no other major worries about the organization; your people have done well with what they were working with. Ive got some fine tuning to do, but the basic structure is solid. Now, reports from Kzidnak. The integration is going more or less according to plan, which is pretty smooth. None of the big players are holding out against your authority; no Judges have come out in opposition to you, and only a few are declining to acknowledge you directly. Rizz is of the opinion theyll come around once youve had time to demonstrate youll treat the goblins fairly. None of the big companies are giving us any trouble, and they wont so long as your administration allows them to stay profitable. Ill see to that, dont worry; its worth giving them a loose lead for the sake of having their industrial capacity at your command. Jadraks old outfit is taking some time to shape back up, since assuming direct control of an org whose entire structure was gutted is hella complicated, but for the moment Im tentatively satisfied that its proceeding as well as can be expected. Thats important, too, as having control of mining operations gives you a monopoly on raw materials, which is a big lever under the other companies that depend on that ore. All surface entrances whose existence weve been able to confirm are firmly under our control, staffed by a mix of goblins and humans. That is also goingwell enough. Thereve been some incidents, but no more or worse than I expected, and none caused by the human personnel. Credit for that goes to Minifrit for hand-picking them, by the way. Putting the right people in those positions will do wonders to get the two groups accustomed to each other.

Im glad you two are working well together, I said. Not that I was worried, but

I am not upset at the demotion, if that was your concern, Minifrit replied with one of her mysterious little smiles. She puffed on her omnipresent pipe, because no amount of my authority seemed able to stop her from doing that even in enclosed rooms. I find this arrangement most satisfactory. Miss Sneppits experience is better suited than my own to manage an organization of this size, but I shudder to imagine her trying to administer our people directly.

Nobody ever accused me of being a people person, Sneppit frankly agreed. I was worried about taking this on without my Zui to handle personnel, but Minifrits a right polished gem. All the people skills and head for numbers I need, plus she doesnt backtalk and undermine me at every turn. She glared at Zui, who smirked and folded her hands atop the table.

Well, that works out then, I said cheerfully. My Zui now!

My Zui, and also you can both go screw yourselves, Zui snapped.

Repairs to the tram network are proceeding on schedule, Sneppit continued, consulting her notes. As per your orders, Lord Seiji, Ive put priority on the lines most directly connecting North Watch and Gwyllthean. Its a big job and the amount and nature of the damage keeps bringing up unpredictable problems, but as of my most recent report, Im optimistically estimating well have that up in two days, best case scenario. A week at worst. Then your travel time between those two points drops from a day to two hours tops.

God, thatll be nice, I muttered.

At my current projections, the entire network should be back to full capacity within two months, as long as you dont think up some other project to divert all my personnel into. She held up the sheet and Ydleth took it, replacing another paper in her hand. Now, progress report from Rads. As of my conversation with him this morning, the excavation of the Spiketown Spirit was nearly finished; unless some mishap occurred, theyre probably done with it by now. Gilnik is happy with how quick you were to keep your promise, and thats giving you some good PR. Rads has had his secondary team already working on the next project you assigned him; theyve done the preliminary surveying and got the plans drawn up for a proper tunnel between the fortress and Fallencourt, with both entry points mapped out and cordoned off. I cleared them to take the rest of today off once theyre done with Spiketown. Trust me, you dont wanna overwork your people, and the satisfactory completion of a job is the ideal time to grant a little reward. Theyll get to work on that first thing tomorrow. Rads projected the jobll take one to two weeks, and hell be able to tighten up that estimate as progress is made. Then well finally be able to move more than one person at a time between the surface and Kzidnak, and not have to tromp through the kitchen.

Gannit will be relieved, Minifrit said solemnly.

We all will, Sneppit grimaced. Only thing more inconvenient than taking that tunnel is having to listen to Gannit carry on every damn time. Shes not wrong, either, you dont wanna make life hard for your kitchen staff if you enjoy eating. That said, Lord Seiji, I have a question I didnt have the chance to ask earlier when you made the decision. She lowered the sheet of paper, staring intently at me. Why were you insistent on putting Rads in charge of your excavation projects? I get the value of a familiar face, but you guys didnt exactly meet on the best of terms.

Letting Maizo get tortured nearly to death, and the others all the way there, was not a good look on him, I answered. But he did it to protect his own crewand when it came down to a direct threat, he stood between his people and a Dark Lord. That is what matters to me. A man wholl protect his people with his own life is one I can trust with my people. Besides, the ugly situation in which we met is an asset, not a drawback. Ive seen Rads at his most shameful point; he will work harder than any other goblin in Kzidnak to earn my approval.

Zui tilted her head contemplatively at that; Aster and Velaven both nodded in approval, the latter gracing me with one of her rare smiles.

Sneppit raised one eyebrow, then shrugged. All right, then. Not an approach that wouldve occurred to me, but I dont argue with results. So far Radss team has been ahead of schedule and under budget, so I guess your method works. That settled, I wanna talk grand strategy.

She held up the last sheet of notes, which Ydleth took from her, this time without replacing it.

Ive been reading up on Dark Crusade history and legend in what little free time Ive had this week, Sneppit said, glancing at the heavy book shed chucked at me minutes ago. It was, I saw, a volume on religious history. Thats the one nice thing about Fflyr Dlemathlys. If you gotta be a perpetually persecuted second-class citizen, it might as well be in a country where you can study any imaginable topic on a whim. So, Ive only got a very broad picture, but the pattern I notice is that Dark Lords almost always start in one of two kinds of places: the heart of a powerful Viryan country able to give them a massive head start, or out in a war-torn no-mans-land where they can take over feuding tribes one at a time and have assembled a sizable army by the time they gotta face off with any other major powers. You, obviously, are in neither of those positions.

So Ive noticed.

She nodded. The immediate issue with that is the traditional Dark Lord path is straight up not gonna work for you. Weve probably got the necessary manpower right now to take Gwyllthean by force, and from there the rest of the local Clan fortresses, but thats as far as wed get. The collective resources of Dount arent gonna be a match for even the rest of Fflyr Dlemathlys, and thats not even the big problem. As soon as something like that starts happening, well get absolutely stomped by the Lancor Empire. Savindar and the support it could offer us is cut off, and Godspire might as well be an impenetrable wall once they decide somebodys not allowed to pass through their territory. You cannot take the path of conquest.

Believe me, Sneppit, Im fully cognizant of that fact.

And youve already settled on what I think is the solution, she said, nodding again. We just need to formalize it. I propose that we focus from here on what youve been doing: organized crime. From our start on Dount, we can spread to other islands, take over bandit and urban gangs, and recruit local goblin populations. Fflyr Dlemathlys is actually an excellent country in which to take that approach; the other islands arent quite as wild as Dount, but the King doesnt really have full control anywhere except inside the walls of Fflyrdylle itself, and thats tenuous. If you spread through the shadows instead of conquering outright, I see no reason you cant extend your reach right through Godspire and clear into Lancor before any of them know a threat exists. This also enables us to satisfy the terms of your agreement with the Hero, building strength without any outright conquest that would offend his delicate little sensibilities.

I leaned forward, resting my arms on the table. Interesting. I admit, so far Ive just been grasping at the only avenues available to me

Understandable, considering how suddenly you got dumped here, she said. That mayve predisposed you against recognizing that its a good avenue. If we devote our efforts in this direction, Lord Seiji, instead of treating it like a grudging compromise, I think it can take us all the way to the top.

I see one immediate problem with the idea, Minifrit said. Fflyr Dlemathlys we can undoubtedly take in this manner. The only real sticking points would occur on Dlemath itself; that Lord Vanderhoen tends to use the Kings Guild as a de facto intelligence agency and interferes quite effectively with the local gangs there. When it comes down to it, though, I rather like the chances of our pet jumped-up foreigner over the Kings. Matters become different across the southern landbridge, however. In Lancor, we would be competing directly with the Gentry. That syndicate has control of the entire Empires underworld, and more resources to call upon than many sovereign nations. They will not fall so easily.

They need not fall at all, said Velaven. If approached correctly, the Gentry will bend the knee to Lord Seiji. They are a Viryan cult.

Everyone stared at her in astonishment, Minifrit with her mouth open in a rare expression of overt surprise.

This is a secret of the highest order, of course, Velaven continued. A matter of state which I know only due to my rank as Queen. Our contact with the Gentry is even more sporadic than with Savindar, but lines of communication between them and Shylverrael are kept open. They call themselves the Gentry because they are descended from fallen Houses of Lancorspecifically, those stripped of their nobility by the Emperor during the last Dark Crusade for allegedly siding with Dark Lord Yomiko, often merely for failing to adequately resist her. Yomiko was only brutal toward aristocrats who abused their people; those whom the peasantry of Lancor loved and defended, she treated with respect when she conquered their lands. They were understandably resentful at being punished by the Empire for literally embodying the Lancoral ideal of chivalry, and in the aftermath of their fall and the Crusades failure gathered up what they could of its remnants, reforging themselves into a secret society dedicated to Yomikos memory masquerading as a crime syndicate.

The astonished silence continued after she stopped talking. Velaven glanced back and forth around the room, seeming slightly discomfited by everyones disbelieving stares. Still poised, of course; she never wasnt.

It was Sneppit who finally cleared her throat and broke the quiet. How, uh How secret is this, exactly?

In theory, absolutely so. None but the Gentry themselvesand not even all of thoseand a very select few Viryan allies on the archipelago, are aware of the truth. In reality, the probability of a secret remaining secret decreases exponentially with every passing hour and every ear that hears it. For a secret spanning an entire Empire, which has stood for a century and a half? I would be absolutely astonished if the Gray Guard is not aware. However, it is certain that the Radiant Temple is not. Lancors government might see fit to tolerate such a thing but the Sanorite clerics never would.

Why would they tolerate it? Zui demanded.

It is impossible to stamp out crime, Velaven explained. From the perspective of the state, organized crime is often preferable to the disorganized variety. So long as the syndicates in question know their place and do not overtly challenge the states authority, allowing them to police the underworld can be a stabilizing influence. They can even be taxed, if they are sufficiently well-behaved syndicates. The Gentry are as much to credit as the Gray Guard and the Radiant Legions for Lancors lack of the kind of banditry which afflicts Fflyr Dlemathlys.

Well, fuck me running, Kasser muttered.

Okay, then, Sneppit said, shrugging. I guess my idea is an even better one than I thought.

Indeed, I agreed. Once we spread throughout Fflyr Dlemathlys It sounds like taking over the Empires underworld might actually be easier. But well cross that bridge when we come to it; weve got no shortage of shit to deal with here and now, first.

Yes, exactly, Sneppit agreed, nodding. Speaking of which, Queen Velaven, I note it was your signature on those letters of credit Minifrit found in Sakins possession. What can you tell us about that?

I think Gilder would insist upon reminding you all that he found them, Minifrit said lightly, earning a sigh and an exasperated stare from Sneppit.

Little, Im afraid, Velaven admitted. I was aware of Sakin through our channel of contact with Savindar. Which he effectively was, once he took over from his predecessor. But he did not answer to me in any capacity; I cannot even say with certainty that he was a Savin agent, rather than a free operator they chose to employ. What I can tell you is that I am unsurprised to know he had dealings with the Gentry, but very surprised by the depth of his involvement with Godspire. I can imagine no reason he would need to be on such intimate terms with Rab Sioni. If, that is, he was truly loyal to the Viryan cause. That does not mean he betrayed us to Godspire, she hastened to clarify, merely that I cannot be sure he did not. Godspire is famously neutral, but precisely what relationship they have with the modern Savindar Empire is opaque to me.

Fucking Sakin, Aster muttered. Most people manage to stop being enigmatic and confusing once theyre dead. I swear it was more straightforward dealing with that damn devil.

Speaking of devils, Nazralind said innocently, how certain are we that hes actually dead?

Dont mythologize that man, Minifrit said, curling her lip. It is not astonishing that such a skilled operator died like a punk to a random arrow out of the dark in a chaotic situation. Thats usually how people like that go down. Anything theyre able to see coming they can contend with, but no one is truly prepared for the unpredictable.

At any rate, Lord Seiji, said Velaven, the evidence of Sakins contact with the Gentry suggest we will not have to conquer the rest of the Fflyr underworld to get in touch with them; they are likely to find us first. The Gentry are among the organizations which will be investigating as many of the recent miracle sites as they can reach, and that definitely includes the Inferno. Remember that your changes to bandit activity on Dount have caught the attention of the Kings Guild; the likes of the Gray Guard might or might not investigate that in passing while they are here on other business, but it will be the first thing on which agents of the Gentry will focus.

Well, thatll be nice, assuming theyre interested in being friends, I murmured. With my luck, theyll be completely aggro right off the bat. In my experience so far, making friends with Viryans is unnecessarily difficult.

Speaking of that, said Sneppit, we know were on borrowed time before one of the many forces looking into that finds us. We gotta establish a plan to melt into the shadows once people start sniffing around.

Being able to literally take our entire organization underground will help a lot with that, said Aster.

Hang on, Nazralind protested, surely youre not suggesting abandoning North Watch?

The fortress is replaceable, Naz. The people arent.

Youre both right, I said in a tone designed to quell further arguing. In any case, I am working on a plan to deal with that. Velavens information has gotten me started, and I want to consult with Rads and Gizmit before developing it further; Ill bring everybody up to speed if I decide my rough idea is workable so you can help me hammer out the details. Meanwhile, concerning our cash flow issue, can we do anything with those letters of credit Sakin had? The numbers on those bastards are straight up astonishing; thatd buy us most of the island.

No such fuckin luck, Sneppit grumbled, grimacing and shaking her head. Bank notes arent cash, Lord Seiji. We cant even reach Savindar to cash in the ones from there, trying to cash the Godspire notes would involve explaining to the Godspire treasury just what the fuck were doing with them in our possession, which is a good way to die, and Well, by the time youre in a position to turn the others in to the Shylverrael treasury, youll presumably be in outright control of it. We can maybe sell them to some Clan at a steep loss, but the Clans would have all the same problems cashing them in and I doubt any of em are stupid enough not to know it.

Never underestimate the stupidity of highborn, Aster said solemnly. No offense, Naz.

Its the inbreeding that does it, Nazralind sighed. But no, seriously, Sneppits right. Trying to give those to a local Clan would cause a lot of problems and probably not gain us any coin. Seems like were just in possession of some extremely fancy paper art.

Well, dont burn them or anything, something might come up, I said. Sakin wouldnt have had those if there wasnt some way to make use of them. Anyway, that leads neatly to the other outstanding matter: Shylverrael. Velaven, you suggested the current government would be fully occupied with internal matters for a few months?

The time frame is only an educated guess, my lord, but in essence yes. Violent transfers of power are never smooth, and this one was messier than most. That is the only reason they have not yet noticed your presence here; be assured Shylverrael will react strongly as soon as the occupation of North Watch is known to them.

Then we have to move first, I mused, frowning at the far wall in thought. Even if we had the strength to take the city by force, I dont want to do that. I prefer not to deplete our forces or theirs, nor damage the defenses. Shylverrael will make an ideal fallback point if were unable to deflect attention and have to turtle up.

The fuck is a turtle? Zui stage whispered. I ignored her.

That leaves subterfuge and diplomacy as our means of seizing the city. Thoughts on that, Velaven?

Forgive me for answering a question with a question, my lord, she replied, mirroring my pensive frown. I ask because the context matters. What urgent business are you most immediately working to settle?

Id already noticed Velaven was careful not to waste my time, so I indulged the question. Well, lets see Jadraks bullshit really interrupted my plans. Its only thanks to Sneppits competence weve gotten things as settled as we have in only a week. Before that I was going to normalize relations with the cat tribe, arrange for Clan Olumnach to destroy itself probably via Clan Aelthwyn, and get relief supplies properly distributed to the people of Dount after the Inferno. That last ones the most complicated, considering all the steps involved. The core of it means getting the Clans to actually distribute those supplies the way theyre fucking supposed to instead of hoarding. My only idea for that was to get Rhydion to lean on them since he has the necessary pull, and he wont bother with anything outside the focus of his current tunnel vision Which means to bargain for his help, Im gonna have to go with him on his zombie-hunting expedition as a healer.

All right, she said, nodding. Of those, you should ascertain which require your personal supervision and tend to them as quickly as possible. However long that takes is our timeframe to move on Shylverrael, because there is no path to that goal which will not hinge entirely on the intensive, long-term presence and focus of the Dark Lord in person. The delay will give me time to train our people on counter-stealth defenses in case our efforts go awryI can assure you from personal experience that both North Watch and Fallencourt are entirely helpless against an onslaught of shadow scouts. There is nothing we can prepare that will contend with them on an even footing, but we can ready measures to hamper them. Then, when we move against Shylverrael, it will as you said come down to subterfuge and diplomacy.

Specifically?

We havent the means to penetrate the city directlynot even I could feasibly achieve that. We must attack socially, beginning with its outermost territories and progressing inward. The lizard tribe, and then the naga. Bringing them under your authority will give you leverage on the Shylver leadershipand depending on how enthusiastic the naga are, possibly the chance to forcibly remove Lyvien from my throne. Unfortunately I cannot plan in more detail than that from this far out. We must assess the situation in the tribal camps and proceed based on what we find.

Its a plan, then, I said. Or at least, a priority list. All right! Sneppit, did you have anything else?

The Chancellor shook her head, pink curls bobbing. Thats my agenda settled, and a little more besides.

Perfect. Thank you, Sneppit, great work as always. In that case, Kasser, youre up.

Finally! Kasser had been mostly quiet throughout the meeting, as usual; since he seemed to have outgrown his habit of snarking and complaining about every little thing, he didnt talk much during meetings unless he had something specific to say, and when he said anything it was usually worth hearing. I approved; it meant everybody listened closely when he did speak up. Now, he looked downright smug as he pushed back from the table and stood up. Lets move out, Lord Seiji. I think youll be pleased with what Ive got to show you.