Only Villains Do That

Bonus 16: In Which the Hero Picks the Wrong Place to Put His Foot Down

We can afford drinks and fried wedges! It was a successful quest, we should celebrate!

Just because we have enough money to buy something doesnt mean we can afford it.

That is the literal definition of the word! Flaethwyn retorted, narrowing her eyes. Maidhlur with the garden keys.

The goose at harvest time, Pashilyn retorted without hesitation.

At that, Flaethwyn looked actually offended. That is a childrens story!

Pashilyn raised her eyebrow and made a pointed expression, saying nothing.

Flaethwyn glared so hard for a moment Yoshi feared she was about to have an outburst, but then she sighed, slumping her shoulders and leaning back in her chair. I know. I know. I justwanted something nice. Im so tired.

You deserve something nice, Yoshi said. You ended up doing most of the work with those zombies. We just have to be careful with our coin, is all.

Sorry, the elf mumbled. I probably sound like Conzart at the giants market to you two. Im just not used tobudgeting.

Amells eyebrows rose precipitously at the unprompted apology; this was a recent enough development that she was still adjusting. Fortunately Flaethwyn didnt seem to notice, and the alchemist quickly covered with a contribution of her own to the discussion.

I think youre doing fine, Lady Flaethwyn. Yoshis right, you really carried us on this mission.

Why dont we get a round of drinks instead of the fried wyddh? Yoshi suggested. That way you can have mine, since you earned most of our coin this round.

It didnt matter here that he was under Japans legal drinking age, of course, but it had taken Yoshi one experiment with alcohol to decide he didnt care for it at all. Whether he just didnt like the taste was an open question, as the Fflyr flavored their drinks with the most bizarre things, but he knew for a certainty that he did not enjoy the fuzzy feeling. That lack of control made him feel nervous and vulnerable; it was the opposite of relaxing.

You should have your share, Flaethwyn said without hesitation. Thats kind, Yoshi, but Im a one-drink girl anyway. I dont like feeling out of it any more than you do. Lets order some fried wedges. If thats okay with you, Pashilyn?

Our budget can bear that much of an indulgence, the priestess replied with a smile. In fact, we can afford them with cheese, if we pass up the round of drinks.

Wedges of that thick flatbread of theirs, fried in pepper-infused oil, topped with more peppers and melted sheeps cheesewhich, of course, also contained peppers. Yoshi was a lot more used to the constant spice by now and if anything the cheese would help cut the heat a bit. There were a lot of ways in which this isekai didnt conform to the usual story beats, and one was that he wasnt about to strike it rich by introducing recipes from back home; he was pretty sure the spice-obsessed Fflyr would just plain not like Japanese food. Hed tried to describe to his party the taste and texture of rice once and theyd all four made faces like he had suggested eating bowls of mud.

All three, now. Yoshi quickly distracted himself from that still-raw wound.

Ahem Do you think they can make it

Light on the peppers? Amell finished with a smile. You know theyre just gonna keep making fun of you, Yoshi.

The cooks job is to fill orders, not to have opinions about it, Pashilyn replied before he could, already standing. And its not as if we Fflyr dont know how foreigners react to our cuisine. Anybody who gives Yoshi grief over it is someone whose opinion neednt be heard. Light peppersand maybe a smidge of extra cheese, if I can talk them out of charging for it. Be right back.

She headed off toward the food counter, which was on the opposite side of the Kings Guilds front room from the mission counter, just like the bigger Guild hall in Fflyrdylle. Adventurers were served cafeteria style; the party had been incredulous at Yoshis surprise there were no waitresses. Apparently staff like that were only a thing at certain very particular eateries here.

Raffan had mocked him for days, butgently. Hed been great at knowing exactly how to put someone at ease through humor without pushing too hard.

Damn it, there he went again. He cleared his throat, fumbling for the first change of subject that came to mind.

I still feel bad about how that scuffle went down, Flaethwyn. Im supposed to be the armored one with the shield, but you kept getting put on the front line the whole fight. Sorry for making you do all the work.

It wasnt all the work, she said with a small smile. Fights are chaotic, Yoshi, especially in the dark. Im inclined to chalk it up to luck, if only because I refuse to consider the possibility that two mindless, shambling corpses outsmarted us. And you did put them down in the end.

After you fended them back from us while I was on the entire wrong side of the khora

Choice of weapon matters, she said, now with a slight frown. A Mastery weapon isbasically cheating, Im not too proud to admit. Even so, a rapier is not the best implement for dispatching something that can only be stopped by hacking it to pieces. Well, we won, thats two less zombies to trouble the farmers, and we got paid. Lets just have a well-deserved treat and try to pick a lessicky quest next time.

Brr, Amell agreed, shuddering. Zombies. Theyre not even that scary, justgross.

The elf nodded in agreement, and Yoshi had to smile.

It was amazing how much more tolerable Flaethwyn had become in a relatively few days, but making a concerted effort had made a difference. Her own efforts, of course, but also his. The epiphany that much of Flaethwyns acerbic attitude was rooted in insecurity had changed everything; Yoshi knew very well what that felt like, and had known other people with the same problem who also coped by lashing out. He had taken to deliberately praising her contributions and especially moments of kindness and empathy, while also calling out her rude or spiteful outbursts the way hed been afraid to before.

That was still hard; confrontation was not in his nature, at least not toward his friends. But Flaethwyn, at least, seemed to respond positively, even accepting criticism with grace so long as it was made clear that her presence was valued and wanted.

Just ignore them, Flaethwyn said, and Yoshi realized hed sunk into his own thoughts again and missed what was going on. He was sure nobody had spoken; he definitely would have paid attention to that, but

I am, Amell said quietly. Im used to it.

Oh. There was another party at the next table over, a group of three adventurers Yoshi and his team knew casually. They were passingly acquainted with most of the regulars at the Gwyllthean Kings Guild at this point, with a few hed consider friends; these werent in that category. A trio of lower-ranked highborn, their leader having only sandy blond hair and eyes a shade of brown pale enough to verge on the more common lowborn gold. And, as usual, they were being loud; Yoshi had just habitually tuned them out.

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Are you just joshing, or do you actually want to go after her? I dont mind admitting, Fraddher, that reward is tempting.

Yes, and also the coin.

All three brayed with laughter, and Yoshi narrowed his eyes. Oh, right. The big news of the day.

Youre getting tense, Radatina murmured right in his ear. Easy, Yoshi. This isnt something that needs to be reacted to.

I know, he whispered back. He did know. Hed been He was still struggling to find his equilibrium. The surprising detente with Omura, that wasnt so bad; if anything it was a big weight off his shoulders. Yoshi had been off-kilter ever since losing Raffan, though. Hed never lost anyone before, wasnt prepared for the way grief could manifest as inappropriate, unfocused anger.

Well, I cant say it surprises me, Fraddher continued airily, gesturing with his pint. She always was a silly bint, trailing along in her betters wake. Even when the only better whod still take her on was that foreign weirdo!

It surprises me, said one of his partners. Really, though. Treason! I heard what she allegedly said to the Highlady, but even with that warrant posted up in this very room, Im not sure I can believe it. Whod have thought that mousy bundle of tits would find the gumption!

Come on, havent you listened to any of the scuttlebutt, Lhradn? Her last party was wiped out by bandits. The way I heard it, she sold them out. Sold to that Lord Whats-His-Face, most likely.

Whats a shame to my way of thinking is that Whats-His-Face has been the only one riding that mare, replied Fraddher. Now, thats a shameful waste of a wench whose only value is her arse. Gentlemen, I think we have an obligation to rectify that ourselves.

Practically our civic duty! Lhradn agreed. I always had a feeling Delavada was too full of herself. Downright smug, for a lowborn given the honor of joining this venerable guild. No surprise she ended up the way she did.

Some schooling in humility is definitely called for before we hand her off to the bailiff, right enough. And I dont just say that because I always wanted to watch those suckers bounce for me.

He was on his feet, Radatina hissing an objection in his ear that he barely heard. Funny; he hadnt actually decided to stand up.

Yoshi, Flaethwyn stage whispered, leaning over to grab his arm. Dont do anything stupid!

Nobodys perfect, Flaethwyn. Lifes all about making the right mistakes.

She flinched so hard she accidentally let go. That had been one of Raffans favorite sayings.

Shes right! Radatina said urgently, grabbing his ear in both her tiny hands. Dont get involved!

She was right. They were both right, and he knew it. This was purely none of his business. He needed

He wanted to punch someone. It made it hard to resist the allure of someone who clearly needed to get punched.

The next table was close enough all he had to do was turn around and take two steps.

Excuse me.

All three turned to look up at him in surprise, still chuckling.

Dont you think youre going too far? Whatever crime shes accused of, thats a fellow adventurer youre talking about. One of us.

The three went quiet; one continued to grin with an incredulous cast, while the other two smiles faded. In fact, Yoshi realized, the entire room seemed to have grown noticeably less noisy.

I dont remember accepting Delavada Aster or any lowborn as my equal, kid, said Fraddher, who was the leader of this party mostly on the basis of being the most highly ranked in the Fflyr caste system. Or asking for your opinion.

I didnt ask to hear yours, either, but everyone in the room had to listen to it, so here we are.

The third one, whose name Yoshi couldnt remember, actually looked somewhat abashed at that, clearing his throat. Uh, the boys not entirely without a point, Frad. This maybe isnt the time or place for bathhouse talk. Sorry, son, well keep it down.

Fraddher made an impatient gesture at him, eyes still on Yoshi. This is the Kings Guild, not a ladies sianadh meet. Were here to fight for coin, glory, and the honor of Fflyr Dlemathlys. If you cant handle a little rough talk, then this is not the place for you. And I am certainly not going to moderate my words or my tone out of consideration for some lowborn tramp whos wanted by the law for not minding her place.

Ah, well. He didnt know why he kept talking. Hed never felt this I guess Im not used to thislowborn/highborn system yet. I wouldnt want to judge a whole country without understanding it a lot better than I do. But if you want an outsiders perspective, it seems like it causes problems when some people grow up being taught theyre better than others and never having to prove it.

The room was definitely dead silent now. That probably wasnt a great sign.

Fraddher turned fully around on his bench and stood upnot abruptly, but forcefully nonetheless. He was at least half a head taller than Yoshi.

Did I now know better, he said in a very even tone, I could take that as an invitation to step outside. Which Im positive youre too smart to have extended, Wisdom boy. He glanced once at Radatina, placing a hand on the pommel of the artifact sword hanging at his hip. Or would you rather rephrase that?

Yoshi inhaled slowly, and then forced himself to smile. You knowyoure right. I was just reprimanded for that a short while ago. I apologize, gentlemen, I keep stepping in this; where Im from, wewell, we communicate differently. A lot of what I was taught is politeness seems to be insulting to Fflyr sensibilities. Sorry, Ill try to be more watchful of that.

The three men all relaxed, Lhradn going so far as to smile, and Fraddher removing his hand from his sword.

Let me try to speak plainly, then, since you Fflyr prefer that to dancing around the issue. I know Delavada Aster. I have fought both against and alongside her. I cant speak for this treason thing, but what I do know is that if she heard you talking like that, Delavada Aster would spend half an hour pushing the three of you around the floor like a mop. And if the rest of you is anything like your mouths, the floor wouldnt be any cleaner afterward. Good luck collecting that bounty.

Both the others stood up, and Fraddhers hand went back to his sword.

Outside it is, then.

Yoshi was taken by surprise; his attention on the three men, he had not expected to be attacked from behind. The slap hit the back of his head, rocking him forward.

Yoshi, stop picking fights, Flaethwyn barked. And over Delavada Aster, of all bloody people! We barely met her, and you dont care about her any more than I do.

He turned toward her, opening his mouth to speak, but froze at her expression.

She grabbed his shoulder with the hand that had just slapped him, holding on as firmly as she held his eyes with just her own.

I miss him too, Yoshi. You may not believe thatand I wont deny it surprised me a littlebut Goddess help me, I do. Flaethwyn gave him a squeeze and a shake. Raffan would have hit you harder, and you know it.

Both of Fraddhers teammates silently touched their foreheads right between the eyebrows and then a spot just above the heart with the right hand, then lowered it palm-up to waist level with the left hand under it. The heirat of remembrance for the fallen. Even Fraddher lowered his eyes, the hostility visibly leaking from him. Though theyd only been on Dount for a few weeks, Raffan had quickly made himself popular around the Guild. Hed been good at that.

Yoshi closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his own posture slump, and only opened them again when the prickle behind them had subsided. Im being an ass, arent I.

Flaethwyn just raised her eyebrows in the exact expression Pashilyn had used on her minutes before.

Theresbeen a bit of that going around, Fraddher said carefully, giving Flaethwyn a sidelong look. She was also well-known around the guild, for less positive reasons. We shouldve cut the lad a bit more leeway. Rathensus leading the trubbings, and all that. My apologies as well.

The elf looked over at him, her expression hardening. Just because Yoshi was out of line doesnt mean he was wrong. You three, keep civil tongues in your heads. And also, yes, Delavada would demolish you, Ive seen her fight. Theres a reason the girl felt cocky enough to talk at Highlady Nazfryn that way; she said worse to me, not that anyone cares. Pick a different bounty.

We appreciate your counsel, Highlady Flaethwyn, Fraddher replied with the utmost courtesy, folding down his hands.

Flaethwyn looked him up and down once, snorted softly to herself, and turned back toward their table, giving Yoshi a tug.

He rejoined them, a bit shamefaced, to find Pashilyn waiting there with a platter of fried flatbread dripping with melted cheese.

I stepped away for two minutes.

A moose, though?

Take this seriously, Yoshi, Amell said sternly, her breath misting in the winter air. Those things are enormous. If this ones gotten bold enough to break into paddocks and fight guard donkeys, it is not going to be easy to take down. Its also well worth doing if we can pull it off: thats a lot of meat and a nice pelt. Great additional money. People even buy the antlers.

Buta moose. It doesnt exactly feel like an adventure.

At least its not zombies, Flaethwyn muttered. Or goblins.

As usual theyd decided to get the earliest start possible, reporting to the Guild to select the best quest from the new postings; Yoshi had been overridden on this. Now they were heading out through the morning chill, approaching the west gate not long after dawn, when it was still dim almost to the point of dark within the shadow of the walls.

Yoshis feet slowed slightly as they came within view of the gate guards. Usually the Kingsguard could barely manage to stand upright at their posts, but now It would have been merely unusual to find them attentive, but he saw the moment it happened. One of the guards had glanced their way, then done a double-take, and leaned over to whisper to his partner. Both had stared up the street at them, then the second man had ducked inside the guard house.

Dont stop, Pashilyn said quietly. Of course shed noticed it, too. Whatever this is, running is not a viable move. Be calm, do not let them goad you, and dont fight unless the danger becomes immediate and extreme.

He forced his feet to move evenly, heart already thumping. They hadnt done anything, why would

The Guild. Hed publicly stood up for someone who was accused of high treason and seditionsomeone connected to the great and mysterious Lord Seiji. Shit. Had someone in power figured out about Omura? Was it one of the really dangerous players who knew to watch for Japanese people?

Its not a trap, Radatina said, just loudly enough for them all to hear. At least, not a physical one. There are only two additional men: the Kingsguard captain and one Blessed with Magic of fairly low strength. Thats not enough muscle to detain four adventurers, not with three of them Blessed.

The captain, Flaethwyn muttered. I remember that cretin.

If its the captain himself, this isnt random chance, Pashilyn added softly. They knew which gate we were going toward.

That would be as simple as knowing what quest theyd taken from the Guild that morning. He didnt say that aloud, not trusting his voice in that moment.

The guardhouse door opened again, and Yoshi recognized the man who emerged. He wore a lieutenants insignia, and had also been present when they were arrested by the Kingsguard; he knew Windburst and had flung Flaethwyn across the street with it. His expression stern, the man stepped forward, one hand on his (thankfully still sheathed) sword and the other holding a sheet of paper.

You areYoshi Shenma and party?

Uh He winced. No, but Im who you want.

The lieutenant glanced at the sheet again and grimaced. Whatever. Nobody could possibly pronounce that. I need the four of you to step inside, please.

May we ask what this is in regards to? Pashilyn inquired politely.

Everything will be explained to you, my lady. Inside. He stood to one side of the guardhouse door, pointing at it and not moving to precede them.

Still, Yoshi hesitated. Pashilyn was right; as sketchy as this was, actually fighting was a losing proposition, as was running. They could easily do either, but then theyd be wanted by the entire Kingsguard. It didnt sound like they were walking into immediate dangernot much of it, anyway. At this point, their best bet was to figure out what was happening and avoid making it worse.

He led the way inside, too nervous to be relieved by the relative warmth of the asauthec braziers. The lieutenant waited until they were all in before following and pulling the door shut after them.

Over there. He pointed toward another door, taking up his own position outside. Okayif they were going to be alone in a room with the captain, that was even better. Safer in the short term, at least.

Yoshi again proceeded first, opening the indicated door and stepping through into what turned out to be an office beyond. There was a desk, but Captain Norovena wasnt seated behind it, instead standing with his arms folded behind his back, perusing the row of books on a shelf. He looked up at the four adventurers upon their arrival, face an unreadable mask, but said nothing until they were all inside and Amell had cautiously shut the door behind them.

Good to see you all again, he finally said, his tone notably dry. I see you followed my exhortation to stay out of trouble for a few weeks, at least. Ill take what I can get; thats better than some of your compatriots down at the Guild give me.

Excuse me, Captain, but I wasnt aware we were in trouble, Yoshi said.

Not yet, but youre heading that way. Lady Pashilyn, Ill need you to hand over that quest bill, please.

She looked at him, and then down at the sheet of paper in her gloved hand. Pashilyn had a habit of carrying them at least until they were outside the city; Yoshi had never asked why she didnt immediately tuck them away in a pocket, but after seeing this he started to wonder how common events like this were.

Do you have the authority to

I wouldnt blame you kids for jumping to the conclusion that this is going to be an adversarial conversation, said Norovena, and to be sure, I have some things to say that you may not enjoy hearing, but no, you neednt worry. Ill repeat: you are not in trouble. I may not be able to keep you out of it, nor would I be inclined to stick my neck out for you, but if you refrain from being difficult here it will only be to your benefit. I need that quest bill to return to the Kings Guild. I have a new one for you.

He extended another sheet of paper, folded once; after a moments hesitation, Pashilyn accepted it, handing over the moose quest in return. The others crowded around, peering over her shoulder as she opened it to reveal the assignment.

The Kingsguard has priority to request specific adventurers for assignments, Norovena said, which is why youll see your names and the Guilds stamp already in place there. Sign it, or dont, as you like; you wont need to hand it over until you return with your report of the completed task, and they can replace the bill if you manage to lose this one. You will be heading directly into the field from here and not reporting back until your mission is complete.

Excuse me, Captain, Pashilyn said carefully, but can you offer a bit more context on this quest, please?

The intelligence that the wolf tribe has vacated their village under zombie attack came from one Lord Seiji, Norovena said, still impassive. You are acquainted, as I recall. While the Archlord is quite interested in what Lord Seiji has to say, the Kings Guild and Kingsguard both regard him as a witness of debatable credibility, which is why trusted confirmation of this report is required. Your qualifications for special selection for this task are your successful suppression of the goblin uprising, your recent success against undead, and the personal endorsement of Rhydion.

Yoshi blinked twice. WaitRhydion? That paladin guy? Why would Weve never even talked to him! Wait, did you girls talk to him?

Briefly, socially, Pashilyn whispered. In passing. Nothing that I imagined would impress him.

That man sees ten times as much as he says, Norovena said grimly. Which is not even one of the more compelling reasons his word counts so heavily. If youve caught his attention, step carefully. Now, your task is to approach the wolf tribes village, ascertain its condition, and report back to the Kings Guild. The Guild, mind you, not to me; the Kingsguard will receive its report from your superiors. Your expected opposition is the unconfirmed number of stray zombies known to be moving in that part of the forest, and possibly the wolf tribe. They do not usually attack humans unless provoked, but matters right now are uncertain. Do you understand?

Captain, Yoshi attempted, why are you really

Norovena cleared his throat loudly. Do you understand?

Well, it was worth a shot, but no luck. Yes, we understand.

Good. The captain hesitated, and then finally let his impassive demeanor slip somewhat to reveal a hint of annoyance. Listen, kid. I dont care how hot she is or how drunk you were, you do not stand in the middle of the Kings Guild and argue on behalf of someone whos gotten in deep shit with no less than the King of Fflyr Dlemathlys over caste affairs. That Guild is one of the few organizations in the country in which low and highborn participate with anything resembling merit-based equality, and you idiots just introduced a class-based schism in the Gwyllthean branch. There are now different registered parties sniping at each other based on the color of their hair, and they all remember who started it. So when I go out of my way to get you out of my town for a few days, some gratitude on your part is in order.

W-we did what? Amell squeaked

Flaethwyn folded her arms and curled her lip. What do you mean, we?

I thought it seemed tense, Pashilyn murmured. No wonder no one would speak with us this morning.

Yoshi just stood there feeling queasy.

Norovena stared at them in silence for another moment before continuing.

A final reminder: the Kings Guild is a busy organization that doesnt have time to sort through reams of extraneous data. Im sure you know to keep your reports concise. Keep in mind that you will be expected to not only ascertain the situation around the wolf tribes village, but determine what, exactly, the Guild does or does not need to know.

Yoshi frowned at him in uncertainty. Waswas he actually suggesting?

That will be all, then, Captain Norovena said, suddenly brisk and dismissive. If youve no further questions, off you go.

And just like that, they were back in the middle of it.