Out For Karma: Mass Effect

[Book One] Chapter 20: Love is not mysterious, it’s f*cking weird

Chapter 20: Love is not mysterious, it’s f*cking weird

The mission on Virmire was finally over and the whole crew could relax a bit. Two people however were not. In the commander’s quarters a standoff was happening.

On each side of the table, sitting in silence, was one of the aforementioned two. One was a very tall man, whose face was unreadable because of the opaque helmet he was wearing, the other, a 5”8 redheaded woman who had murder in her eyes.

“First things first. I forbid you to hack any personnel terminal of the members of this crew.”

“...”

“Second… You’re an asshole!”

“... You already said…”

“SHUT. UP!” she said threateningly.

“...”

“...”

“Explain.”

“What?!”

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me when I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Nothing wrong?! You implied, again, that you saw me as a disgusting abomination.”

“That’s not new, we covered that in the Mako on Therum. Had you paid attention you would have heard that I don’t see you that way anymore.”

“You could have phrased it better or just said something simple like “ you’re welcome” !” She said.

“Whatever; we have a debriefing to do.” he said standing up.

“By the way, you shouldn’t let your toys out, lying in the open like that on your bed. I hid it before Tali could see it yesterday when we came to work. You’re welcome.” was his final words before he exited her cabin.

That subdued any anger the redhead had been feeling and replaced it by a huge amount of embarrassment.

Oh God! He knows!

Of all the things she didn’t want him to know, this was at the top. The size of the dildo had been similar to his own size, if Ashley was to be believed, and she dreaded that he would think she was thinking of him that way. It was just a small step in logic to think that. It didn’t matter one bit that it was true.

She put her head in her hands and let out a loud scream of anguish. Once done she took several deep breaths to calm herself then left for the meeting room. Everyone was waiting for her in their seats. They didn’t catch Saren and felt like a failure but they destroyed the krogan army he was breeding and the salarian were saved so the mission was considered a success. Liara melded with Shepard to see the vision from that second beacon. It was actually not a new vision but a completion of the one they got from the one on Eden Prime.

“I know where the conduit is! I recognize the place from some text and murals I studied! It’s on Ilos!”

“Are you sure?” Ashley asked.

“Yes! Ilos… Ilos has a very specific architecture that none other planets have. That’s how I knew.”

“Then we’re going…”

“Commander, The council is on the line.” Joker interrupted Shepard.

She sighed while the members of her team made their way out, the meeting being over. The councilors congratulated her for the mission but dismissed her claim about the reapers. The turian councilor denied categorically their existence saying it was one of Saren’s ploys against her while making good points. Points supported by the salarian. Apparently the STG had not heard of anything related to the reapers at all. The asari councilor was more understanding as Saren and the geths represented a concrete threat, while the reapers were abstract and only her and Rick’s vision were proof which in the end didn’t amount to much. Shepard understood what she was implying. Despite how unbelievable it was she actually did believe in the existence of the reapers but the lack of proof tied her hands. She did remind her that the spectres were created for these kinds of situations and that she had the authority to act as she saw fit.

The call over, the redhead sighed again, and left the room. As she was about to tell Joker to set sail towards the Mu relay, the pilot told her that he had already forwarded the mission update to the Citadel and that ambassador Udina had recalled the Normandy and its crew there as apparently the council was amassing a joint fleet to go after the ex-spectre and his army of synthetics.

“Joker, we’re going to the Citadel. I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet.”

“Roger, commander.”

She climbed down the stairs in the direction of her cabin mentally rejoicing that finally the council was doing something. However her guts were telling her that something was wrong.

Why didn’t they tell me themselves?

Entering her quarters, she saw Rick sitting in the same chair as earlier.

What does he want?

Walking around him and the table, she sat in her chair and waited for him to speak. And waited. And Waited. After ten minutes she had enough.

“Why are you here?”

“To talk.”

“Then talk! I’ve been here ten minutes already.”

“I can’t decide which topic to start with? The professional one or social one?”

“Does it matter? You’ll talk about both in the end, no?”

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“Yes but the answer to the first may change your answer to the second. I was trying to determine which answer would be… the less negative?”

“...”

“...”

She took a moment to think about it. Not about his choices but why he started the conversation that way. What she knew about him was that he was always ten steps ahead. He had been here waiting for her, so he probably already studied and evaluated both options.

And yet he didn’t talk… Perhaps not talking was the option he chose?

At that moment she had an epiphany.

“Or you kept silent on purpose to begin the conversation like you did. That way you’d see which side I would choose or lean to, to smooth the conversation over.”

“...”

“And you also predicted that I may find it out.”

“You’re learning. Good. It’s important to determine the others’ intention.”

“Was that it? All this shenanigans just to check if I could read you?”

“No. I do have to talk and I will after this advice. Two birds, one stone at the minimum.”

“What?” She asked, not understanding the advice.

“Anyway. Are we really going back to the Citadel?” He changed the topic, ignoring her confusion.

“Yes, it was an order from ambassador Udina but you already know that.”

“We should not. We should go directly to Ilos.”

“Orders are orders.”

“It seems you do not get it. They will not send a fleet.”

“What makes you say that?” She inquired.

“If it was true the council would have told you for one, yet you learned about it from Udina which I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw him with a mass relay.”

“I… have wondered about that. I thought it odd.”

“Because it is. Do you remember how you became a spectre?”

She took her time to think about it because she was sure the answer wasn’t : Humanity has proven itself.

“It was a bargain. We couldn’t have the council fleet help, like we- you knew would happen and settled on a spectre.”

“Yes, but do you remember why we couldn’t have the council fleet help?”

“Because it was too close to the Terminus systems space. And the Mu Relay is currently in the terminus systems! They won’t send the fleet after him!” She yelled in realization.

“Correct. They probably expect an invasion from the geths, rightfully I might add. They will either gather the fleet around the Citadel or block every Mass relay leading to the Terminus.”

“So in the end they’ll just wait.”

“Yes. Now that you have the big picture in mind, what are you going to do?”

“... I have my orders...”

“You’re a spectre.”

“And still a member of the alliance.”

“Then quit.”

“I can’t do that!”

“And why is that?”

“It’s my whole life.”

“I see.” It was such a short answer but the disappointment in his voice was clear. He stood up and went for the door.

“By the way, the social talk was to say that  I’m… well you know… The s word…. I thought about it and I may have expressed poorly what I felt.”

And with that he left her alone in the room.

She thought again about what he led her to realize. She knew he was right, probably, but she hoped the council would see reason.

____________________________________________________________

After exiting the commander’s quarters, Rick went to the med-bay to see Liara. The beacon may have not been damaged this time but the message could have been a bit different from Shepard. It was unlikely, but no stone should be left unturned is not an idiom for nothing. Entering her room she saw her leaning over her desk brooding.

“What’s wrong?”

The sudden sound of his voice made the asari jump in fright before realizing who it was.

“Goddess! You scare me!”

“I noticed.” he replied with a small laugh.

“That’s not funny!”

“It is, you were so cute.”

“I…”

“You were. Now what’s with the brooding? You were so excited back in the meeting room. Like a kid on christmas.”

“Christmas?”

“It’s… Short story short, it’s a day of celebration and the favorite of human children. Santa Klaus delivers presents to all the good children on earth on the night of the 24th of December. Christmas is the 25th when children wake up and find their presents. It is the day where children’s excitement goes through the sky and reaches the stars.”

“I… Well…”

“Was it the meld? Your mother?”

“No. No, it wasn’t. And my mother is alright, a few more months and she’ll be back to her normal self.”

“...”

“...”

“Do you want me to come by lat…”

“No! It’s… It’s alright. I just…” She was looking at her hands in her lap, hesitating, trying to find her words.

“It’s me isn’t it?” He said, making her eyes widen and go from her hands to his head.

“Don’t be so shocked, I may not be very good at reading people's emotions, heck let’s be real I’m awful at it but I do know how to read the body language, and since you can’t look at me…”

“It’s impossible to hide things from you. You probably already figured it out.”

“Oh, It’s possible. Like I say I’m awful at emotions. Had Ashley not tip me about how you feel I never would have known.”

“Re-Really?” she exclaimed in surprise.

“Yes. I mean, I knew you like spending time with me, that you like talking of everything and nothing but me as a person? I couldn’t conceive it, I still can’t actually.”

“How come? You’re smart and kind and… and rather handsome.”

“Thank you.” He replied with a chuckle.

“As for how… I guess… It comes from my childhood? My birth-giver denied my existence, my sister abandoned me. The only conclusion I came to was that I wasn’t worth loving. If my own blood couldn’t love me, why would others?”

“That’s…”

“Pathetic? I know.”

“No, that’s sad. No child should be denied love! Especially not from his family! What would you think it’s pathetic?”

“Family is supposed to love each other, it’s like a universal rule, no? I loved them unconditionally and they didn’t love me back. To me it was proof that I was an epic failure. That I couldn’t respect one of the simplest rules of the universe, it’s pathetic.”

“Well it’s not! You’re not!”

“I know now. In here.” he said, tapping his helmet with his index finger.

“But in here… It’s still a work in progress.”  this time he tapped his chest.

“If that’s how you feel, how come…”

“I got married?” He finished her sentence and got a nod from her indicating that it was what she was going to say.

“She smashed a bottle of beer on my head.”

“She what?!”

“I was working late one day. Her terminal had some problems and she needed it to be fixed before the morning. The work took time and while I had very little to do I had to be there to keep an eye just in case new problems appeared. I didn’t understand why she was still there, she wasn’t needed, but she was. She had food delivered and we talked. Then she broached the topic of my non-existent love life. One thing led to another, then at one point she must have had enough of my obliviousness and she was quite drunk so she took her beer in one hand and smashed it on my helmet while screaming “I love you Stupid!” .”

“Goddess!”

“I found out later that she created herself the trouble with her terminal just so we could be together that evening. She didn’t have the courage to ask me out. Smashing me in the head though? No problem.” he laughed a bit before turning serious again.

“That’s how deep my inferiority complex is, Liara. Without Ashley I wouldn’t have known because well… Look at you! All the compliments you gave me apply to you too and more. Then there is me on the side. A guy who after almost three years of relationship, including two married, woke up every morning thinking that it was all a dream because no one would be interested in him. That it was all a convoluted and long nasty prank. In my mind, you liking me romantically wasn't something possible on an instinct level.”

“But I do.”

“Now I know, and I don’t know how to…”

“Let me down gently?” she almost whispered.

“I..No? Yes? Okay, break time!”

“What?” she asked, confused.

“Break time! I need to organize my thoughts and if that wasn’t difficult enough, my feelings too.”

Before a bewildered Liara, Rick took a seat next to her facing the wall in a pensive way. She didn’t know what to do or what exactly was going on but for the next five minutes she looked at him in silence. Finally he turned his chair to face her.

“Okay, I think I got it. So… The two people I loved the most in my life were my sister then my wife. One left me, the other I killed so…”

“What?!” she exclaimed at the part she just heard but Rick was so focused on trying to explain himself that he didn’t notice.

“I’m a bigger mess than ever and I don’t think I have it in me to love someone else that much because it hurts too much and I don’t think I will survive a third time. I’m terrified of that ever happening!  So no matter how much I love you I can’t…”

“You love me?!” she interjected a second time but like last time he wasn’t hearing her.

“Find the strength of heart and of mind to start a new relationship, that’s why I’d rather have, not meaningless relationship but not very deep one either, something in between where I love a woman and she loves me back but beyond some intimacy nothing will come out of it. I mean Ashley loves me, I’m her friend after all, but she’s more interested in my body than in my love, just like… because she’s my friend I love her and… and she helps me deal with my grief and anger through sex instead of me spending some credits in a brothel to do it. I mean dealing with my grief and anger, not the sex. I mean sure it’s a brothel so it’s for sex so I would have gone there for that but not for that. I mean not sex for sex, but sex for some therapeutic feeling… So…”

The more he spoke, the faster he did it and Liara was beginning to get a bit lost in the rambling explanation he was giving her. That’s why she grabbed his hands in hers and yelled his name.

“Y-yes?”

“You were rambling.”

“I… I see. Good idea to stop me then, I probably could have gone on and on forever.”

“That’s… alright. Weird and somehow impressive but alright.”

“Did I make sense at least?”

“Hmm… More or less? There are some points I would like some clarification on if that's alright with you?”

“Sure.”

“Okay… First… A brothel?!” she couldn’t keep her composure till the end.

“Well..Analysse and I, we’re, were, the kind of people that deal with our anger through violence. Now we couldn’t hurt other people or ourselves so we did it through very rough sex.”

“Okay, that I understood from what Ashley told me. That doesn’t explain why you would go to a brothel?”

“It does.”

“Not to me!”

“Oh! Huh… Well I wasn’t into that kind of relationship with Ashley at the time… If spending a few credits could make you forget about your pain and grief for a moment wouldn’t you do it?”

“I… have no answer to that.”

“I hope you’ll never be in the position where you find the answer.”

“Now, the second point. You love m-me?” She could keep her embarrassment from her voice until the end. Naturally shy Liara had shown up for a moment.

“Well yes. What isn’t there to love?” he answered in a confused tone, not understanding why she was asking this question like loving her was an obvious thing.

“What kind of love?”

“I don’t know. I just… love you?”

“Like you love Tali or like you love your wife?”

“Analysse.”

Just my luck. The one person I love, loves me back but can’t commit. You probably can’t do worse.

“Okay… I… I’m somewhat extremely happy and heartbroken at the same time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s.. Alright.”

“Would it make you feel better if I say I have no problem dating you and more just not… being in a serious with future plans kind of relationship. More like… in the present relationship?”

“I… don’t know.”

Silence fell in the room for a few minutes before Liara aske one last question.

“You… Don’t have to answer this one but… You said that of the two people you love the most, one left you and the other… you killed…”

Silence was back again but this time it was broken by the ragged breath of Rick. Gasping for air, he removed his helmet, allowing Liara to see his face for the first time but she was more concerned with the way he reacted. Clearly he wasn’t feeling very well at all.

“Forget it, it doesn’t matter, I was just…”

“No, no, that’s alright. I … I’ll have to talk about it someday so…. Why not now?”

If Liara thought that she had been prepared to hear what Rick had to say after what he already told her and that it couldn’t be worse, she was gravely mistaken.

It was worse.