Reincarnated as a Phoenix

Chapter Epilogue 3 – Cult of Lesbos

“Heh, morning Ikarus. You’ve got a bundle of joy on you”

“Wake wakey, you two! Can we go out today!? It’s boring when we stay in!”

“Oaf! Damn it boy… it’s like six in the bloody morning”

Some families have a gentle morning call, other’s may even make their partner tea or breakfast in bed. For us though, it involves our happy accident jumping on the both of us. Really need to get a lock for our room at this point.

“Heh, of course we can… any ideas?”

“Damn it, Brooks! Seriously, get off me one second!”

Yeeting the kid across the room… or just gently pushing him aside, I yawn, stretch, then rub the sleep out of my eyes. They day he outgrows this hyperactivity will be the day our life becomes perfect.

“Erm… I know! Let’s go see the cultists! They’re celebrating at the church today!”

‘Great, they’ll be sure to fill him up on sweets again’

Ah, the Cult of Lesbos, famously named by me and now embraced by all of the members. They love our child and pretty much anything related to phoenixes. They’re friendly enough and Brooks always returns with bag full of goodies when he visits.

“Before we make breakfast, shame Eve isn’t working today, do we need to put something formal on?”

I mean, every other time we’ve visited a building of worship, it’s normally burned down or been blown to smithereens. I really wouldn’t know; I can’t think of a worse way of spending a Sunday. The sacrifices you make for kids.

“Heh, we can do that. You can even put a dress on if you want, Brooks”

“I’m not doing that! What the hell is wrong with you!?”

Seeing our child pout from Petra’s quip, it’s nice when I’m not the only one getting teased. This whole finding him trying on our clothes situation really isn’t worth fretting about. At the end of the day, he’s our kid after all. I do worry for him a little now that Petra has ammunition to work with. She’s got two guys to mercilessly tease now.

“Heh, if we’re being serious, might be best to just grab the cloaks. If we don’t, you know they’ll get too excited…”

__________

“Welcome all to the weekly celebration of those we love and cherish. I will now hand the ceremony over to our presenters who carry the true word of the queens!”

“Praise be to Lesbos; praise be to the queens!”

“Praise the love that only women can provide. True love only knows one gender!”

At the ever-growing church that’s as long as a stadium and even now has a speaker set up, the crowd already appear hyped up as the atmosphere inside this place is full of happiness and excitement. Everyone has a hobby and all, but someday this is going to develop to a full-on suicide cult, mark my words!

----------

---Just imagine this church is full cause AI crowds suck.

‘Feels like I’m cattle right now, this is only getting worse every year… hang on. That’s who the priests are!?’

Right at the top of the monastery guiding the flock is two women, both coming in from the sides of the stage. On the left, we have a pink Miss Gender Bender herself, stroking her pet rock. Freaking Penelope is now involved in this!

(Penelope) “Hello everyone and praise be to the queens!”

(Crowd) “Praise be to the queens”

On the right is someone less unexpected, mainly because she always takes the Sundays off and I had known she visits this place. It’s our busty elven maid, Eve. She also is preaching the word of Lesbianism!

“Hey everyone! Penelope invited me up here today so how are you all!?”

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(Crowd) “Hi Eve! Praise be to Lesbos; praise be to all!”

‘On the bright side, at least these lot haven’t corrupted priestess yet. Ironic considering both sides think the other’s ‘religion’ is insane’

(Eve) “Great! Now, let’s start the anthem we all know and love… Oh, say can you see, all the Gods bless the queens…”

This is the part I have to force my fingers into my ears and imagine I’m anywhere else otherwise I’ll cringe myself to death. Imagine a combination of the American anthem with the British one, then make it cult like! Petra and Brooks may find it funny but being the master of cringe, it’s too much! I was born in the cringe, moulded by it…

(Penelope) “Now that’s over, we shall honour the queens! To all those who regularly visit this place, it’s time for the fun part! Sacrifice! Let the purging commen-”

“STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!! We already told you idiots to stop this!”

Having to pull my cloak away, the gasps echo throughout the hall as the cultists realize who’s come to pay them a visit. It’s an unfortunate consequence that this problem has now caused, doesn’t help most of the crowd has knelt over to pray to us as well.

Several years ago, we had to start putting severe restrictions and laws on the Cult of Lesbos because things crossed a line. We’re talking about actual animal sacrifice and people giving away all their wealth and property just to be ‘touched’ by us. The laws were supposed to be effective… guess Marcus lied to us on this one.

(Penelope) “Oh, it’s okay, Petra’s lover! This isn’t technically a sacrifice; we all know you outlawed the fun stuff!”

(Eve) “Yes, we’re only cracking a few eggs so to speak. There’s nothing to worry about”

As our maid goes round the corner to retrieve something and Miss Gender Bender confidently smiles, I worry because cracking eggs could mean plenty things. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve replaced sacrifice with something like cutting off an animal’s leg, then keeping it alive since that technically wouldn’t count. Huh, need to make a law for that loophole as well

“Then what do you idiots plan to do? Spill it now or I promise I’ll tear this place apart!”

(Penelope) “It’s okay, Queen Ikarus! We’re only going to break up some eggs and bake a cake! Only that way can we truly experience the warm feeling deep inside that you two give to us!”

‘Wait… cracking eggs was literal?’

As soon as Miss Gender Bender gives the sign, Eve pulls out a table on wheels with a load of baking ingredients and gigantic pot right in the centre of it. I think I know how this will go down now, get every person up here one by one to break an egg so that’s the sacrifice in our name. These folks are going to give me an aneurism someday…

(Eve) “We’re also going to whip up a few omelettes if you two wish to stay. Oh, I can tell the crowd personal stories from your lif-”

“NO!!!”

Having to cut Eve off straight away, this elf speaks too much and will only reveal something too personal. Petra may find it funny, but not having any privacy isn’t worth laughing about!

“Wait… they’re making omelettes and cake!? Mummies, you’ve got to give them some giant eggs!”

As soon as it comes to anything egg based, Brooks is unable to contain his excitement as he loves it all. You see, me and Petra still lay phoenix eggs time to time… see what I’m getting at? It wasn’t our plan to feed him our butt eggs, he just wanted to try what we were eating one day and that’s how it goes. It’s no weirder than being breast fed, right? Even though he wasn’t, the point still stands! There’s nothing weird about eating eggs that come out of your own mother’s butts…

“Are we really going to give some of our eggs to the cultists? They should really be saved…”

[<There currently is 27 phoenix eggs freshly kept in storage. Aesa thinks Ikarus can spare a few>]

“Only twenty-seven left!? I dunno…”

Seeing Brooks and his puppy like eyes stare at me as I ponder to myself… my wife truly is evil for teaching him such a technique as she stands beside him doing the same bloody thing! His eyes may be full of innocence but I know better.

“Fineee. Let’s just get cooking then…”

__________

“*Stomach growling*… urgh. Remind me to do some exercise when we get back”

“Hehe, mummy number two is a pig!”

“Heh, what did I say about insults, Brooks?”

“It’s not an insult! I like piggies and they taste amazing!”

‘Wise arse. He knows exactly what he’s doing’

Walking around town hand to hand like a happy family, my stomach continues to rumble since I may have eaten my own body weight in food. Hey, you’d overeat if you could poop out food. Someday, I’ll be less sharing on this but who cares? Butt eggs for the win!

My attention quickly shifts from my twisting gut when the people we come across continue to keep giving looks of envy and happiness, some even drooling. We really should’ve put our hoods back on before showing ourselves back to the common folk…

“Damn it, will you stop looking at us like that!? What the hell is wrong with you, move!”

A cultist here, a cultist there, cultists everywhere! I can deal with them until the freaking idiots freeze right in front of us, blocking the path forward! Are you trying to piss me off!?

“Oh my God! Queen Ikarus just got mad at me, did you all hear that!?”

Having to push the crazy woman aside, please don’t ever desire popularity; Petra still finds the whole thing hilarious, I’ll always hate this deep from the embers of my soul.

Now huffing and puffing as well as wanting a vacation, we finally get past the streets of cultist island and arrive at the huge bridge crossing the channel.

There, up on the bridge is quite the Godly sight though. By that, I mean we have a couple of very famous Olympians coming to visit and one our residents between them. Or technically ex Olympians, most of their myths come from a place underground.

“Mother, will you please just give up on this? Centuries of fixation and you still continue to be inflexible”

“You can do whatever you want, my daughter, I have no control over you. It’s obvious who does though”

“Bah, still hating my guts, old hag?”

It’s Persephone, Demeter and Hades! Like usual, Asmodeus was right in sparing Demeter. The crop yields we’ve been getting over the last few years have been exceptional with her at the helm, harvest and agriculture is her shtick after all.

Sure, she still hates Hades and is adamant he’s mind controlling Persephone, still a touch depressed and now acts like a slave, all Gods have their quirks though. For the record, she put that collar on her neck by her own volition. She could’ve fled our islands years ago if she wanted, yet she hasn’t tried leaving once.

“Oh, it’s the two fabled queens and the boy I love so much!”

“Auntie Persephone! I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“If only Zagreus and Melinoë were still small, then I could hug them like you forever!”

“Bah, no Persephone! Those two already ransack my realm enough as it is!”

Persephone greets us and my boy instantly runs over to give her a hug. It doesn’t matter who or where we take him, everyone spoils him rotten.

I also think Hades is slightly worried about his wife getting broody, can’t say I blame him. Honestly worry Petra might want another one someday, love our boy and all but one is enough! Even if the next is a girl… just no!

(Ikarus) “You two know my mother was dragging my father’s sorry hide back to your palace, right?”

“Bah, more bloody work. The first break we’ve taken in decades and now I’ve got to document another dragon”

“Lighten up, my grumpy but adorable husband. Would a kiss put your mind off things?”

“*Scowl*. Someday I’ll break that brainwashing of his, mark my words”

Seeing Hades blush from Persephone’s flirting and then Demeter scowling at them just proves what I thought. All Gods are quirky as fuck!

“Heh, well you’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like. I’m sure Ikarus would love the extra attention”

‘Haw haw, now you’ve got me pouting. Persephone is just as bad as the wife when it comes to teasing’

(Persephone) “We won’t be here too long, Petra, main reason was to visit mother after all. You’ve spent enough time fighting so it’s finally time to stop this feud”

“Bah, you can’t reason with insanity, love. She’s the one who spread the false rumour of kidnapping in the first place”

“*Spits*. There’s no chance I’ll ever stop hating this brute that dared to steal you away from me! My daughter deserves better than this Underworld scourge!”

(Persephone) “No more of this! I’ll bang your heads together if you keep this up!”

Already knowing this isn’t our place to get involved, we leave those three to get along and continue on with our little family outing. Not all feuds have a solution, Demeter has hated Hades for thousands of years so I really doubt we’d come along and fix things in a heartbeat. That sounds like a quest you’d find in a video game or something.

Except, before we leave, Hades taps my arm before we head away. Guess there is more to discuss real quicky.

“Bah, there was another reason we came here. I’ve got a letter addressed to you two”

“Who’s it from?”

“Better to just read it then have me explain. He annoys me just as much as you”

Passing the sealed envelope, those three head off to the cultist island while me and Petra just stand confused now with a sealed envelope. This can’t be something Zeus left behind, right?

(Persephone) “To start with, both of you are going to say something nice about the other… don’t you scowl or bah at me! We’re doing this…”

Opening up the letter together, what presents us is a piece of paper folded up and neatly written, a bit dusty as well. Just reading the first word of the page, I’ve got a very good idea on who writ this. Imagine someone blonde, extremely annoying and has horns on his head.

(Heh, it’s been quite the journey and adventure, hasn’t it, sister? Even now, I can imagine you pouting and crossing your arms reading this. The dark one really has her arms filled with you)

“What the hell is that supposed to mean!?”

Petra of course chuckles seeing me do exactly as what the letter describes, stupid demonic dickhead!

[Would’ve wished we started on better terms; things just fell this way unfortunately. Don’t worry, I won’t be starting any of that greater good nonsense the oracle is famous for. Unlike her, I set out on this journey for one personal goal]

‘And yet, he still doesn’t tell us what that goal was. Even in death, always vague’

[The point of this message is curiosity, whether or not you two are enjoying your little present. I presume by now you know about your fertility and if not, heh, looks like I’ve already ruined the surprised. Blame the God of the dead for delivering this too early]

‘Of course, Mr know it all knew about that… hang on. There’s something about Brooks’

[Look after that tortured soul for me, he really had a tough life and deserves some peace. Heh, relax sister, he may be energetic but he won’t bite, he used to but only as a pup. On a related note, my work after death should be coming along nicely. Like you, I’ve got my own soul to heal…]

…

Once the letter ends, me and Petra just stare at each shocked. By the sounds of it, Asmodeus took the liberty of assigning a soul to our child!? How does that even work and who’s soul was it?

“Used to bite… he’s implying a dragon, isn’t he?”

“Think so Ikarus… do we know of any creature that could fit the bill though?”

 …

Again, we have no answers to this question. My best guess is that Asmodeus might’ve had a son when he was a dragon and this is him actually doing something nice for a change? Either of us haven’t got a clue, doesn’t really matter that much considering we still love Brooks regardless.

‘If he’s the soul of Asmodeus’s long-lost son… wouldn’t that make him Petra’s brother? Oh dear God, our son is somehow Petra’s brother! Everything family related in Greek myth always ends this way!’

Brooks just stands there smiling like usual without a care in the world. Would the soul even count as the same person if you forgot everything you were beforehand? Let’s just forget this because it always goes down a road we don’t want to know.

“Mummies… what does it say? Why are you looking like that?”

“Erm… should we say anything, Petra?”

“Heh, guess we can, Ikarus. Do you remember anything before you were born, Brooks?”

…

The face of pure confusion Brooks has when Petra asks him that makes me laugh, have already said this before but he isn’t stupid. That question sounds ludicrous.

“Has mummy number one hit her head? That makes no sense…”

Pausing for a moment, the hamster in his little brain kicks in and he jumps up when he remembers something. Let me guess, he’s going to remember how much he likes shiny objects, right? Dragon logic…

“Oh, I do remember something! I remember being in a small ball and it was really dark, scary and slimy! It was nice and warm though… where was that?”

…

Facepalming myself, it looks like our kid remembers his time inside the egg. Thank you Asmodeus, always leaving us with more questions than answers…