Reincarnated as a Phoenix

Chapter Epilogue – Christmas Special Part 2

(Ikarus) “Erm… kinda feel like we shouldn’t be here”

(Petra) “Heh, funnily enough, Ikarus, this is tame compared to what Penelope used to do. That fact this place is still in one piece shows that”

(Mute) “…?”

(Nyx) “Is this normal mortal behaviour? Attacking your underlings?”

(Kellearzar) “A long time ago it was, Nyx. I think she’s disciplining rather than attacking though”

(Brooks) “That looks like fun, can I have a go!?”

(Minos) “No nephew, we’ve got to be nice to the mortals… even if they can be annoying”

Teleporting over to the mages tower, all of us are greeted to an insane sight as Penelope is literally wielding a whip, running right past us chasing a group of misbehaving mages. This is going an unhinged route, mark my words…

(Penelope) “Get to work, you filthy animals! I ask you to do one simple thing and you still refuse! I’ll chain you ungrateful bastards up and force you to work!”

‘Called it… just Penelope casually enslaving her mages. Is this really surprising? Heh… it’s like she’s whipping her reindeer by how quick they flee’

“We’ll get to it eventually! Just calm down, arch-mage!”

“Yeah, it’s our time off, the holidays are meant for relaxing!”

“Just give us another month off and we promise we’ll do it then!”

(Penelope) “Don’t think I’m letting it slide this time! You’ll do it now or you’ll all be spending a week as Loki’s test subject… oh, we’ve got extra guests! Hello everyone!”

Of course, even though this we don’t expect anything better from Penelope, me and Petra still can’t help but facepalm from our resident insane mage.

“Penelope… seriously!? We know your mages are lazy and all, is the whip really necessary?”

“It is, Petra’s lover! I told these idiots to clean this tower over a year ago! I promised they will not spoil this year’s celebration for my other guests, so they’re working whether they want to or not now!”

It’s taken me a moment to notice it but this floor is decked head to toe in joy and holiday spirit. We’re talking colourful lights all over the ceiling and walls, Christmas styled trees littered in every corner, even decorative reindeers with a statue of good ol’ Saint Nick riding on one of them. I’m not sure Miss Genderbender understands the use of mistletoe considering it’s under every doorway, it’s clear she definitely likes this holiday though.

The thing is… we could arrest Penelope and trial her for worker abuse, there technically is a worker’s union in this world. The problem is, that sounds like too much work considering she could sneeze funny and the prison would explode. I’m not kidding, that happened once, her electricity ended up destroying an entire restaurant. For insurance purposes, we just consider her a natural disaster at this point.

While we’re trying our best to stop Penelope using the ancient technique of keeping her workers in line, or slaves, Brooks wanders off into an adjacent room a quickly comes into contact with her other guests. Around an extremely long table, there is quite the colourful cast.

“Oh, hey auntie Ariza! Having fun around crazy Penelope’s?”

(Ariza) “Uh, hey Brooks. She’s not always that crazy… think she’s just a little stressed today”

(Loki) “I respectfully disagree, sweetie! She’s always been as mad as a hatter!”

(Freyja) “Crazy sees but crazy can’t self-reflect”

(Loki) “Stupid brute! You just don’t see the world for how it should be!”

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(Prince) “I’m having fun at least. It’s nice not having wyverns following you around like a bad smell”

(Zeki) “Erk… am I the only sane one here? Knew I’d regret coming here”

(Ria) “He-he, cheer up, girly boy. We’re all crazy around here!”

(Dionysus) “You lot need to lighten-, hic, up. Have a pint… or a barrel full!”

Our temporary party of seven is crazy enough, this seven currently waiting for dinner matches our vibe perfectly. There are Gods, phoenixes, a dryad, and even a wyvern. It kinda makes me unsure why we didn’t do this all together in the first place, would be kind of hectic though. Seeing Dionysus smiling as well, he must be absolutely hammered!

“Well well well… should we feel betrayed on who you decided to spend Christmas with this year?

Even though I may jest, I think Ariza sometimes takes me too seriously. Zeki and Ariza did say they wanted to do something different this year. This might be a little too different though.

(Ariza) “Uh, we’d have invited you, Ikarus! It’s just that we know you don’t like crowds and… uh… I thought something like this could happen”

(Zeki) “Erk… that’s brother’s reason at least. I just didn’t want sis to dress us all up again”

(Ria) “Hehe, so I’m the lesser of two evils, girly boy? Guess I’ve got to find the frilliest, most Christmassy dress ever, next year!”

(Zeki) “Damn you, cow, this dress is already bad enough! Just let me have a single day off… jeez…”

(Prince) “Look at P-Penelope swinging that whip! S-She’s a little scary”

As we speak, the sounds of cracking and screaming echoes throughout the halls, clearly the mages are no longer fast enough to outrun her. We should probably leave this place as soon as possible… don’t want Brooks learning bad lessons from Penelope. Petra realizes this too.

“Heh… we really should get a move on. Did any of you happen to come across a note around here? Maybe with a huge letter on?”

“Uh, I told you not to destroy that, Zeki! It looked important!”

“Erk, I had to, brother! Blowing my nose is more important than some stupid riddle!”

Well great, all of us still in search for our presents may have hit a huge problem. Of course, that problem has to be Zeki. If we’re permanently stuck now, Zeki’s gender must suffer. This is the only way.

(Kellearzar) “Did any of you read it before it was lost?”

“He-he, I know what it said! The cross falls, the Autumn settles in. Inside are madmen, all worshipping fallen kin”

From Ria the dryad remembering what the note read, this one is so easy that even a dragon is able to pick up on it. I’m no longer a hater of easy riddles if this is how quickly we can progress.

“Sister always describes the religious people as madmen. That’s got to be the place, right?”

“Let’s get this right, bruh. I call them cultists; madmen would be a compliment. You are right through… not sure where else that would be”

You’d think a group responsible for building high quality golden statues of ourselves would realize maintaining their place of worship would be a priority, it’s honestly falling into disrepair if you look behind the cracks. Right now, I’m even that cross of theirs they hang above the church is upside down. Yep, the cultist literally have a satanic symbol above their doorway.

(Brooks) “What was the letter then, auntie Ria?”

“I remember that too, Brooks! It definitely said M… like for masochist. That’s a word you’ll learn when you grow up, uncle Zeki is a big masochist!”

Bang! Instead of just complaining for a change, Zeki decides to throw his head onto the table and I can’t say I blame him. This damn dryad teaching our kid words like that! Think it annoys me more judging by that smile on Brook’s face… he knows exactly what that means.

Just as we’re about to leave, something catches my eye outside one of the huge windows overlooking the ocean.

“Petra… what in the bloody hell is that?”

“Heh, no idea, Ikarus. Guess Santa didn’t need his reindeer this year”

(Brooks) “That’s way more believable than that Rudolph story you keep lying to me about!”

Chugging away in the sky, far off in the distance, an aircraft roughly the size of a truck slowly passes the horizon and flies towards the north. Whatever that is, we’ve got no chance of catching up to that.

‘Let’s just pretend we didn’t see it and hope this is unrelated. Never thought we’d see a UFO in our world…’

__________

(Ikarus) “So… we’ve got K, D, R, E and M. Anyone have any clue what it could mean?”

(Mute) “…?”

(Petra) “Heh, got an idea, Ikarus, let’s wait until we find some more though”

(Minos) “This place gives me the creeps… it doesn’t feel right without people trying to kiss sister’s ass”

(Kellearzar) “That’s vulgar, Minos. Just because something is true doesn’t mean you have to say it”

(Nyx) “Your citizens try to lick down there? What favour would that gain?”

(Brooks) “Hehe, he was only joking, auntie Nyx! They wouldn’t kiss mummy number two’s ass!”

(Minos) “I’m really not, nephew. They would do that if given the chance”

Teleporting now the cultists place of worship, aka the church, all of us enter only to find the place without a single occupant. Yep, those good for nothing cultists actually stop worshiping us on Christmas and that’s totally down to us.

After long discussion several years ago, a compromise was met. By law, they aren’t allowed to worship us on Christmas! The compromise was that Christmas Eve, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve are not off limits. Yeah… it’s safe to say we didn’t win that battle, those fuckers even tried rioting when we attempted to outlaw all three.

“Heh… thought it was that person. The last letter is A”

Exploring the empty church, my know-it-all wife appears to have found the final note, up there located on the podium.

“Do tell then, wife. Where we heading next?”

“Heh, think I’ll let you figure this one out yourself. M, E, R, D, A, K… getting any closer yet?”

Already knowing Petra can’t help her teasing, I try to snatch the note out of her hands, only for her to put it behind her back and stick her tongue out at me!

(Kellearzar) “Oh, so that’s who’s responsible. I’m not really sure why though”

(Minos) “This is easy now sister, Petra even put it in a way where it sounds similar”

(Mute) “…!”

(Nyx) “This is easy now, no?”

(Brooks) “Damn mummy number two for making me stupid! I can’t figure it out!”

All our Christmas party excluding me and the boy can’t figure out this stupid thing! Look okay, a simple riddle is one thing, trying to spell out letters to find the answer is not something I can do! I’ll just blame dyslexia… I don’t have it but I could have!

“Heh, I’ll just show you the note then. You’ll get wrinkles if you scrunch up your face anymore”

Thankfully, Petra finally gives in and hands me the damn note. On one side, a big A has been written, but we already knew that. Unlike the other note, there is no riddle on the other side. There is however a little folded up section.

(Only look at this hint in the case you still haven’t figured it out yet)

Unfolding the note, I immediately want to punch something when I figure out who’s responsible.

(Sorry little one, tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but had a feeling you might struggle with this)

‘Damn that grumpy old bastard! It was him who took our stuff…’

__________

Again with the constant teleporting as all of us arrive outside father’s Underworld cave, what a hectic and annoying day this has been. We’ve practically gone to every corner of our three islands, moseyed around to see what other people are doing and now we finally should find the thief responsible for all the chaos. Before we greet our father once again… there is something me and Minos must do.

<Welcome everyone, hoped you enjoyed the hu-, Ooaf! What was that for, little and littlest ones!?>

Like a flash, me and Minos charge at our spectral father and make sure to give him a good kick! Full power of Minos’s dragon body and my phoenix kick, we practically send him flying all the way to the back of the cave!

“You grumpy ol’dinosaur! Didn’t like other people being happy so you had to spoil it for everyone, didn’t cha?”

<Yeah father, what the heck?>

<Hmph, ungrateful kids. Was it too much to ask for a visit today? It’s not like any of your stuff was destroyed, all of it is unopened and ready to open at a moment’s notice>

Behind the veil of me and Minos’s annoyance, both of us finally clock onto what father has actually done. The dingy, brimstone cave actually looks nice for a change and is even decorated for the occasion! Sure, there’s still not a place to sit, it’s still shocking because this is the most he’s ever added!

“When were you into poetry, Dermakvar? Or is this just something new you’ve learnt?”

Mother surprisingly seems calm about this and isn’t willing to join us in the father beating… I feel like she’s failed us as a parent now.

<Hmph, that’s very insulting dear, they were just non-sensical riddles. Those ancient mortals we used to hunt left clues to treasure, among other things. You pick up a habit for it>

“I don’t remember us treasure hunting together. When did we do that?”

<Ah right, that was with a different dragon before you came along, dear. Silly me>

Seeing a smile build on mother’s unsure face, her aura does the complete opposite and turns into that pure unfiltered anger we’ve only seen a few times before. Looks like she’s willing to join us in kicking father now…

This time around, father wasn’t even cheating… I think? If he used to hunt treasures with an ex, then that would make sense why the nest is so filled. Mother did once say our family’s wealth came before they got together.

Anyways, father bashing aside because it’s clear he is starting to get lonely, I’m curious on a few things.

“Father… how did you even do this and what about food? You know we’ll have to head back later on, right?”

<Hmph, my methods are too complex for such feeble minds, little one. And the plan was to go meet the Gods of this place later on, they always prepare a feast too big for even a dozen dragons>

‘So, Christmas dinner is around Persephone’s and Hades? Eh… saves Petra and mother having to cook. It’s not like me and Brooks would’ve been any help’

“Aesa should probably interject here. What Dermakvar should say, is that fury sisters were responsible for completing plan as they can move through time and space”

“Hmph, thanks for that, cloned little one. It’s not like I’m in great debt to those irritating sisters now”

Chiming in right at the perfect moment, a clone of myself teleports right in front of us all and spills father’s beans. Wait, the fury sisters were involved as well?

“What was that, Aesa? What fury sisters can do what now?”

“Best Ikarus not know, those beings known as the Erinyes confuse even the creators. Some stories say they are daughters to Nyx, others say daughters of Persephone, some even say Cronos has fathered them at one point”

(Nyx) “All tales are true, one known as Aesa, those three daughters of mine are incomprehensible to mortals. Spending too much time inside the darkness of Erebus, realities become distorted”

Well… that makes no freaking sense at all! Somehow, the fury sisters defy logic and have as many parents as they want. It could be they are half siblings to each other; it’s just that is a love triangle I can’t see working.

I’m starting to think that one obsessed with that hydra I killed was just toying with me now… they sound incomprehensibly powerful if they can somehow sneak into our home without waking the both of us up.

‘Ah, just forget it, Ikarus, the Underworld is full of confusing stories and Gods that defy the laws of the universe’

“I’m getting so bored now, can we please start opening things already!?”

Thankfully, our kid who still doesn’t understand how basic manners work finally says what we all what to do. Let’s get the best part of Christmas over and done with, then stuff our faces till we’re as fat as Santa!

We grab all the stolen presents and take a seat, our arses filled with holiday joy and not feeling the hard and uncomfortable brimstone floor at all.

<I’m not sure if I should feel insulted or happy… this big one better not be made from chocolate>

Starting with Minos, he has a few gifts lined up, all of which are pretty much similar. Remember as a child, he was a greedy shit and loved coins way too much? Well, we’ve all gotten him as much money as you can stuff in several boxes! Me and Petra even got him a massive coin made! Kinda wish it was chocolate just to annoy him now.

“Oh my! It even smells like you two as well!”

As for mother, me and Minos went a little unhinged. Mother loves hugs as an idea came to mind… a body pillow kind of idea. Basically, mother now has two body pillows of me and Minos in our natural forms, both of which we made sure to rub ourselves up against. Now when she gets that motherly urge to hug, now she’s got two replacements!

I know it’s a stupid gift, both of us thought so but mother definitely seems to like it. We really had no idea what else to get her

“…!”

“I’m not sure what to say…”

Now, onto Mute and Nyx. This one is a little more boring considering it’s just a deed to property in the city, with pictures and keys kept within that present.

These two are always coming and going so we thought it would be a good idea to build them a house perfect for their own specific tastes. Half the house is decorated in a way that makes it look like a cave mixed with a doghouse; the other half looks like Tartarus so basically a lot of edge fiery themed furniture. Don’t ask on how it looks in person… or even how expensive it was.

There’s of course a load of sweets and junk food gifted to everyone among other things, like Mute getting a new collar and mother getting some new clothes. As for Brooks… we spoil him rotten.

A new bicycle, load of new clothes, toys, a staff and even a wooden sword. All the things he did ask for throughout the year, just I think even he forgot he asked for most of it. Oh well, he seems happy enough.

“Heh, you may want to open that one up when we get home, Brooks. Or not”

Instead of listening to Petra, he’s hyper focused on getting through the last of his presents. I’m already face palming; Petra chose this gift for him so you know what it’s bound to be.

“T-This is exactly why I keep telling you that S-Santa thing is a myth! Only mummy number one w-would do this!”

Thankfully, our little brat is still smiling even though he’s clearly embarrassed. Inside the package is princess costume, pink, silky and frilly as can be. I’d feel sorry for him if he didn’t sneak in our room again the other night to try on our clothes! We just pretended to stay asleep this time.

“I’ve got you two things, Petra. The other gift will have to wait… it’s not exactly wrapped yet if you catch my meaning”

“Heh… guess we can wrap it together then”

Somehow, my flirting gets through to only the wife, so that’s tonight sorted. She gets to torment me as long as she wants… within reason. I’ve also got her some others ‘gifts’, this is meant to be a family friendly Christmas so bad thoughts be gone!

Petra opens up her present and quickly finds something unexpected, a white samurai robe like the one she always wears. We did agree this year we wouldn’t go crazy on each other, mostly focusing on Brooks because he’s so bloody easy to buy for.

“I know it’s not much, it’s just that you wear your current one so much, I’m surprised you don’t have a back-up. It’s obviously enchanted as well”

“Heh, guess I just never got around to getting another. Thank you though. You know Mute gifted this one to me when I first gained a human form?”

“…!”

“You mean… you’ve had that same robe for hundreds of years!? You need some new clothes, bish!”

Petra chuckles at my joke, but it’s not that much of a joke. Nostalgia reasons or not, how can you wear the same piece of clothing for hundreds of years!? There’s being thrifty and all but come on, even I get my enchanted garments tampered with on occasion.

Last but not least, it’s finally time for my gift… or gifts. Okay, I can guarantee one of them is clothing even though I explicitly told Petra no clothing this year! It’s not hypocritical at all because I got her the robe, it’s just that she’s got me enough clothing to last several lifetimes. We don’t have the closet space anymore.

All my patience being at its limit, I quickly unwrap my first gift and find several casks of dwarven alcohol. I’m getting mixed signals here… Petra doesn’t like me getting hammered but this alcohol is guaranteed to do that job. She must love me that much…

‘Okay… the love for the wife is dying down a little now. I’m not allowing her to make me red today!’

As for the second one… it looks like a purse. Sure, it’s roughly the same size of a wallet so you’d think it would be useful for when we start printing cash in our world. The problem is, it’s freaking pink and sparkly!

“Heh, it has a mirror inside it as well, Ikarus. Now, you’ll always be able to see if your feminine beauty”

‘Yup… a flirt mixed with a tease; I love her too much to care. It annoys me because I will use this. I am vein enough to appreciate my own reflection time to time’

Onto the last major gift, this is much larger than the others, but way thinner if that makes sense. Opening this one up carefully, what I gaze upon is two sets of eyes filled with life, gazing into my soul and charging my outlook on life forever.

…

Okay, I’ll be honest and say I have no idea how people are supposed to describe incredible art. The painting Petra has gotten me is incredible though.

Hand painted on a vertical canvas is an incredible picture of me and Petra sitting on a mountain top with a backdrop of a grand valley with details galore. On one side, a meadow as far as the eye can see filled with sunflowers, daisies, and even roses. As for the other side, an erupting volcano clouds the sky with greyness, slowly spewing ash all around and clearly looking like it’s about to destroy the world.

Obviously, the way this has been done is supposed to reflect our titles. Petra is known for being the kind and compassionate queen so she is on the meadow side, I’m obviously on the more chaotic one. Even just looking at ourselves, it looks close to be photorealistic. I’m even wearing that freaking kimono I wear every now and then.

“Heh, looks like you like it, Ikarus. Had another painted as well… that one is best saved for later when we’re alone. For this one… our clothing can be changed if water is applied to it”

I can’t help but facepalm at the wife, I know exactly what she’s done and I’m not sure if I should be happy or not. I guarantee she’s gotten another huge painting of us at home, this time in the nude. You just know it’s something like that!

‘Now I’m curious, if Petra didn’t paint this, then who did? I mean for reference, who in our settlement has seen us in human form naked?’

Suddenly, a thought comes to mind only because of how carefree we can be at home. It had to be her, didn’t it? Other than Petra, and of course Brooks who always pretends to spew when he sees us naked, there’s only one other…

“Petra… you got Eve to paint this, didn’t you? Never knew she was talented with a brush”

“Heh, can neither confirm or deny, Ikarus. Just know the artist has a very good eye for details… even I’m a little concerned with how lifelike the end result turned out. The added freckles and moles seemed a little redundant”

‘She freaking did get us painted nude! Damn maid fangirling over us… you’d think having Marcus around would stop that, but nooo…’

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---Feel like adding the feast as well would make these 2 parts a little too long, so I’m just going to do one better and make you feel hungry instead! Merry Christmas again, hope this provided a nice distraction whether you’re a fan of this holiday or not.

---BTW, no uploads next week as well. Call it a Christmas break, I guess.