Shadowborn

Chapter Ninety-One: Revelations and Implications

I ignored the sharp intakes of breath around the table. It was impossible. Every natural sense I owned told me that much. The girl in front of me was nothing like Eliya. She didn’t have the right build. The right hair. The right eyes. Even the color of her skin was lighter than Eliya’s had been, and we’d never seen the sun long enough to get anything resembling a tan. She didn’t have Eliya’s scars. Her voice wasn’t ragged and torn from the torture she’d endured. Physically, there was nothing to even suggest a distant relation, much less that it was her that stood in front of me.

And yet…

The second I’d looked at her soul—because how could I not?—the pieces fell into place. I felt like someone had just taken a warhammer to my solar plexus. Her soul was unlike any I’d seen before. Part of it was reasonably normal. It told a tale of loneliness and determination. Of loss and even hopelessness, with emotional wounds that were very freshly healed. The other part of her soul, separated by a clean divide, told me everything I needed to know. Deep, ragged scars caused by both physical and emotional pain. It was a soul that had endured a lifetime of abuse. Of suffering. Yet, at its core, a bruised and battered flame of hope that refused to be snuffed out.

Except that clean divide was damaged. A section where it looked like a serrated blade had been dragged violently across the surface of this split soul, rending that divide and causing the two souls to bleed into one another like a popped egg yolk. The two souls swirled and mixed, violently in some places, but peacefully in others. Like they were finally beginning to settle.

And wrapped around the scarred half of the soul?

A shimmer.

A cloak meant to mimic the other half of the soul. To hide that devastated half from anyone like me who would take a look. A near-perfect copy, but there was no hiding what was underneath. A pull. A tug. Her soul gently calling to mine just as mine called in return. Not hard enough for me to detect it while it was hidden by the shimmer, but enough so that some of it bled through the mirage that hid its secret. A secret that had been staring me in the face the entire time. One so painfully obvious in hindsight that I wanted to put my head through the nearest wall for being such an idiot. For being so ridiculously in denial.

But I couldn’t jump to conclusions. If I was wrong and I acted on my theory, then I could make things exponentially worse. I had to be sure. And, luckily for me, I’d already set the pieces in motion to test the theory that had just backhanded me across the face.

First, I needed more information. I closed my eyes, centering myself. I’d survived Karn. I’d fought in a godsdamned war for fuck’s sake. I could hold it together for a little longer. I could feel her eyes on me, waiting for my reaction. I didn’t know what she expected from me, but I had a feeling this wasn’t it.

With slow, deliberate motions, I pulled out a chair and sank into it. Every eye in the room was on me, which was understandable considering a complete stranger had just planted one on me. My girls were looking at me with expressions that ranged from shock to amusement (thanks Rhallani for always being consistent). The newcomers with a level of hostility and concern that told me they cared greatly about the girl who’d just kissed me.

And Kat, who was confused as fuck.

Sitting down was good. I no longer felt like I was going to pass out. The girl looked at me, holding her breath, looking torn between breaking out into tears and grabbing me for a second round. One of her friends, a tall, wispy platinum blond with pale eyes and concern etched into her expression, grabbed her hand. “Allie?” she said softly.

Allie threaded her fingers through the blonde’s and, looking as unsteady as I felt, sank into her chair as well without taking her eyes off me. There was simultaneously too much space between us and not nearly enough. Taking a deep, wavering breath, I put my war face on.

“How?” was all I asked. The manner in which she answered would tell me a lot.

Her bottom lip trembled. “I don’t know,” she admitted. Then the words started tumbling out. She told me about the man with the crystal knife. About the episodes. About Kat’s magic sending her spiraling. She told me about her dreams, about how things started to get worse and worse until she started losing track of who she was. About Vanni, the Ashra, helping her reconcile the two warring halves. To relax them both enough that they stopped fighting one another and finally began to coexist.

By the time she finished, she sounded like she was on the verge of tears. I had to fight the impulse to wrap her in my arms, glad when the muscular woman with scarred forearms put a heavy hand on Allie’s shoulder. “I know it sounds insane and you probably don’t believe me, but—”

“I believe you,” I said softly. And I did. The way she spoke, the way she told her story, was all Eliya. I could tell exactly where she’d omitted things. I could tell when she omitted something because it embarrassed her to tell me and when she was trying to protect me from the harsher truths. I could spot her tells with ease. The honesty in her eyes was painfully familiar, and it took a second to find the air to speak.

“How much do you remember? Of Eliya’s life, I mean,” I asked.

She shrugged. “About as much as I remember of my own. Early years are pretty blurry, and I’m sure there’s plenty of space between moments not worth remembering. I remember the good, though, and I remember the bad. I remember everything important.”

“How do you remember it? Like information, or…?”

Allie shook her head, angrily wiping away some moisture that slipped free of her eye. “No. I remember it all. How I felt. What I was thinking. Every touch, smell, taste, sound. All of it. Like I lived it.”

“Everything?” I asked again.

Her eyes cut away. She knew what I was asking. “Everything but the end.”

Relief and pain fought a battle for space in my chest. On one hand, if she didn’t remember, it couldn’t hurt her. On the other, a part of me wished she did if only to get it over with. I let out a breath. “I see. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m glad you had friends to go through it with.”

Her brows knit together. “Zaren…”

My chest clenched. She said my name the same way Eliya used to. Resignation, but with the faintest spark of hope. The one word was filled with expectations and emotions I wasn’t ready to deal with. She reached for me with her free hand, but I stood and stepped out of her reach. Hurt flitted across her face, but it had to be this way. At least until I knew more. Until she knew more.

“You know what happened to me, don’t you?” she asked.

“I don’t know for sure, but I know someone who might.”

She stood as well. “Then let’s go see them.”

I shook my head. “No. I’ll be going alone. You and your friends are exhausted from travel.” Before she could protest, I turned my attention to Cynthia. “Officially admit Vanni to the household as soon as you can, I don’t want to bank on her getting into the city unnoticed. The sooner I can offer her my full protection, the better.” She nodded and I turned back to Allie. “Make yourselves at home. What’s mine is yours. I’ll come find you when I have more information about your situation.”

“Zaren, hang on,” Allie said, reaching for me.

My body moved on its own, stepping away from her. I tried my hardest not to make it look like a flinch, but I failed miserably. The hurt returned to her expression and it absolutely gutted me, but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what to say to make any of this better. If it could be made better. I needed to figure this out first, then go from there. It was the best I could do for her right now.

I turned on my heel, headed for the door, avoiding all the eyes that were on me. I’d only made it a few steps when a hand grabbed my arm. Relief slammed into my gut when I realized it was Serena, looking up at me with wide eyes. “Zaren—”

“I know you want to come with me,” I said softly, “but I need a minute alone to think.”

Her grip tightened. “But I—”

“Watch over her until I return, please? If I’m right…”

“I really think you—”

“I’ll try to be as quick as I can. Hopefully—”

“Zaren!” she hissed, snaring my attention. “Look!”

She lifted her arm and brandished her tattoo. It had changed again. In addition to the gold flower with black specks that had sprouted on the vine with the silver, black, white, and red orange flowers, there were now three more that had sprouted. The vine that trailed from the red flower with the black center that had once held four buds now sported a red flower with blue veins, a shining silver flower with a blue tint, and an earthy green flower with flares of yellow on it.

I closed my eyes as all the breath rushed out of me at once. The tattoo reacting all but confirmed it, but I still needed to confirm. I needed someone other than me to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. That I wasn’t jumping to conclusions.

“You know, don’t you?” she breathed. “What it means?”

“I’m afraid I have a very good idea,” I admitted.

I could tell how badly she wanted to push for answers, which made me that much more grateful when she didn’t. With a wordless nod, she let me leave. Even though I wasn’t running, my journey out of the manor passed by in a blur. Before I knew it, I was outside in the night air. My feet carried me down the road to where an apparently homeless Lycanine man sat on the corner with a cup of change.

“I need to talk to Sandrel,” I told him.

He frowned at me. “I’m sorry sir, I’m afraid I don’ know no Sandrels.”

I sighed, then summoned a gold piece from my storage and flipped it into his cup. “I know you’re one of his, I need to talk to him. Now.”

He kept the ruse up for a moment longer, then shrugged. He stood, brushing himself off. “I’ll see what I can do, but he isn’t exactly the type to come running to any lord who rings a bell.”

“If he’s hesitant, remind him just how often I actually call on him,” I said dryly.

The Lycanine just pocketed the gold with a snort and sauntered off into the dark. I leaned up against the wall he’d been sitting by with my arms crossed, waiting. Thinking. Trying to wrap my head around the implications if I was right.

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Barely thirty minutes had passed before I felt a presence at my back. I turned to see Sandrel giving me a hard glare from just a few feet away. “How long have you known Efel was my guy?”

I just shrugged. “I spotted him day one. I figured you left him out here in case I needed to get in touch with you.”

He scoffed. “Asshole. What is it?”

“You track her down yet?”

Sandrel narrowed his eyes. “That’s the big emergency? This couldn’t have waited ‘till tomorrow?”

This time it was my turn to fix him with a glare. One that made him flinch. “Hells, It’s been a while since I’ve seen that look,” he said with a grimace. “Who’re we killing?”

I scowled. “Probably nobody. I’m either mad at myself for being a dumbass or a missing goddess for pulling one over on me. Not much I can do in either instance, really. Have you found her or not?”

“Never lost track of her,” he said, pulling out a slip a paper.

I almost laughed when I read the address. It wasn’t far from where we lived at all. I arched a brow. “You’ve been watching her?”

He held his hands up. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. You know what she is. Figured if she ever stepped in it I could lend a hand. Besides, I figured if you ever came back she might be one of your stops.”

I inclined my head, storing the paper in my shadows. “Thanks, Sandrel. I owe you one.”

“Like fuck you do,” he said, thumbing his nose, “or did you forget we would’ve lost that day if you didn’t take Grimsby’s head? We all owe you far too much for me to charge you for this. Just let me know if you plan on burning down any sectors so I can get my people out.”

“I’ll think about it.” I sighed. “You ever feel like life is just the gods yanking our chains from one bullshit plot to the next?”

“Oh, most definitely my dark and broody friend.” He grinned. “That’s why it’s our solemn duty to live for the moments where we can yank back.”

“Don’t I know it.”

We said our brief goodbyes and I wandered off into the city. It was dark, and in an attempt to distract myself I thought about what Karina had said about lighting the streets with one of Elisa’s inventions. That distraction only lasted a few blocks though, and by the time the quaint little house crammed in one of the nicer areas of the lower quarter came into view, I was back to thinking myself into an early grave.

Light shone through the window, so I knew someone was home. I knocked, hoping she was still awake. It wasn’t long before I heard the sound of grumbling on the other side of the door.

“—better have a damn good reason—” Her voice cut off when the door swung inward and she saw me.

Like everyone else from my past, Esadora had aged. Her once chestnut hair now had streaks of gray in it, and her face carried the lines of a woman who’d spent much of her life smiling. Green, faceted eyes that shone like literal gemstones took in my face, wide with surprise, then shifted down to my chest. She reached out and pressed a palm to my sternum, then gasped. I felt the telltale sign of a Siren brushing up against my soul as she looked me over.

When she tore her gaze back up to my face, there were tears in her eyes. “Look at you. I’d say it’s like you haven’t aged a day, but that isn’t true in the slightest, is it?” She patted my chest. “You’ve come a long way, I can already see that. And that soul!” She chuckled, then turned and walked into her home, waving me in after. “Come, come. I’d heard the rumors, and I figured if it was you then you’d seek me out sooner or later.”
“It’s good to see you,” I said, closing the door behind me. “Sorry I didn’t come sooner. It’s been a hectic few weeks.”

“I’ll say! Tea?”

“No thanks.”

“Good, I’m fresh out!” she cackled, then sank into a chair with a sigh. “So, I take it from the hour that this isn’t just a social call?”

I smirked. “Straight to business, then?”

She waved a hand. “As badly as I want to know everything about how you got that soul of yours bursting with enough juice to sustain a whole colony of Sirens, I’m far too tired to have such a lengthy discussion. You forget, Zaren, I can read you better than anyone alive. To say you’re distressed would be a severe understatement.”

I took a seat on the couch next to her chair. “Yeah, you could say that. I need a soul expert.”

“I’d certainly hope so, I’m not good for much else!” she said with another cackle. “Now tell crazy old Esadora what it is you need.”

As concisely as I could, I gave her a brief rundown on my theory and what I needed from her. By the time I was finished, there was a glow to her eyes I hadn’t seen in some time. “Can you help?”

She rubbed her hands together. “You came to the right crazy old bat, that’s for sure. As it so happens, I can. All I’ll need is a glimpse and I’ll know.” I made to stand, but she held up a finger. “But, I have a condition. I need a favor.”

I frowned. It wasn’t like her to trade favors, which meant she must need help. “Alright, I’m listening.”

“I’ve got a niece. A Siren, like me. She needs a household that understands our kind, and just sitting in the room with you is giving me a bit of a buzz, so I know you’ve got the soul juice to spare.”

“Sure, I can take her in. Where is she?”

A pained look flitted over her face. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “She was living with my sister in a small village a few days away, but my sister’s nature was discovered by the worst sort. She didn’t survive, and her daughter is in the wind. I’m certain the girl still lives, but I don’t have the resources to track her.”

I tried not to let my disappointment show. “Right. I can try to find her. I suppose I’ll be back when I do.”

She scoffed. “Oh don’t be such a sourpuss. I know you’re a man of your word, your guarantee is more than enough for me. Besides, I know of a few places she might head. But for now, let’s go see if we can’t help your friend, shall we?”

# # #

In many ways, Allie had never felt like this before. On the one hand, she was still brimming with anxious excitement. She’d found Zaren. Against all odds, she’d somehow tracked down the man half of her self had fallen in love with, and he believed her utterly insane story. Eliya would have a chance to know him outside the horrors of Karn’s experiment, and Allie would be lying if she said she didn’t feel rather attracted to the man even after only a short time with him. How much of that was Eliya’s influence and how much was her own tastes, she wasn’t sure. What she was sure of was that she’d never had feelings like this for a guy before.

But on the other hand, things hadn’t exactly gone as she’d pictured them. Sure, she wasn’t so naive as to think she’d be able to just jump into his arms and they’d live happily ever after. Of course they’d need to figure out exactly what had happened to her that had left her with Eliya’s memories. She just hadn’t expected the distance Zaren had immediately imposed between them. Already she was beginning to fear that the chaste kiss they’d shared was the closest she’d ever be to him.

And even beyond that, she’d never been in a place that felt this much like…home. Sitting in the den of Zaren’s home, freshly bathed in one of the nicest baths she’d ever had the pleasure of using, nestled into Therese’s side with her legs in Nora’s lap, sipping on a warm, spiced, chocolaty drink one of Zaren’s many enthusiastic servants had provided, Allie felt at peace. The fireplace crackled, bathing the room in its heat and its warm glow. The clothes they’d been lent while theirs were cleaned were soft and comfortable. It was all she could do not to doze off. A part of her wished Kat had remained, but she’d left to report back to Bennet once Vanni’s situation had been squared away.

All of Zaren’s girls—because that’s what they surely were, from the way they talked about him—had barely left her side. A few more of them had even come out of the woodworks. A cocky muscular redhead who sat in a chair that was apparently made specifically for her wearing only boyshorts and a tight fitting top that barely contained her breasts shot repeated looks at Nora that suggested she couldn’t decide whether to flirt or challenge her to a sparring match. A set of twin Kitsune that had taken one whiff of her and exchanged hushed words. Allie got the sense they approved of her, which apparently meant a lot to the room. Then there was the dark haired girl Allie was reasonably certain to be a vampire from the way she’d licked her long, sharp incisors more than once who seemed most at home around Noelle and Safina.

Then there were the demi-humans. Well over a dozen of them that all filtered through at least once, bringing drinks and snacks often enough that Allie was fairly certain they were just trying to get a look at the newcomers who’d caused such a buzz. But each and every one of them looked well-fed and happy to be here, which made Allie feel much better about bringing Vanni.

Speaking of her favorite four-armed friend, Vanni had found herself in what Allie thought might be the second best seat in her house behind the one Allie was in currently. She sat between Safina, who had one of her arms wrapped around the Ashra, so tall that even sitting straight up Vanni’s head rested on one of her breasts, and the twins, who looked so fluffy and soft with their tails and their ears Allie found herself jealous. Noelle had claimed Vanni’s lap where two of Vanni’s arms wrapped around her while a third absentmindedly ran its fingers through Noelle’s hair, the fourth resting between the ears of Ryoko, the white haired twin. The vampire girl, Alice, had settled in between Vanni’s and Noelle’s legs, leaving Vanni trapped on all sides and having to fight not to nod off.

The other girls, the ones who’d been in the room when Zaren had arrived, had all joined them. They’d been taking turns since he left telling her about what their party had been up to, regaling her with their insane adventures that had her smiling so much her cheeks hurt. Not just because of the amazing man Zaren had apparently become, but because of how obviously they adored him. After everything he’d survived, he’d found family. Happiness. A home.

But he’d been gone for so long now. Long enough that the others were getting worried. Allie got the impression that it wasn’t common for him to strike out on his own like this, which was as comforting as it was worrying. What if he wasn’t happy she’d returned? What if, just like Eliya’s feelings complicating her relationship with Nora and Therese, her arrival put a strain on his relationship with the women in this room? What if he didn’t want to be around her?

All at once, she felt the mood in the room change. As if summoned by her thoughts, the door opened and Zaren walked in. His eyes immediately found her, and her gut twisted at what she saw in them. Longing. Pain. Guilt. Behind him walked an older woman who must have been in her early fifties. She took a long, sweeping look over the room before wiping a tear from her cheek, then turned her warm smile on Allie.
“You must be Allie. My name is Esadora,” she said in a warm, comforting tone.

Allie sat up and Nora immediately stood to give Esadora her spot, moving to stand behind Allie. “Hello,” Allie said, her voice coming out much more timid than she liked.

Esadora swept across the room and sank down on the couch next to Allie, taking both her hands. Up close, the woman’s eyes glimmered with a sheen Allie had never seen before, revealing her demi-human nature.

“Yes,” Esadora said, her eyes glimmering with amusement, “I’m a Siren. Zaren wants me to take a look at that soul of yours to see what’s what. Do I have your permission?”

Sitting face to face with the woman who’d helped write the journal that had helped Allie piece herself back together was a surreal experience. Before she could answer, her eyes were drawn to Zaren. He visibly struggled to tear his eyes from her, floating across the room like a ghost to stand in front of the fireplace with one hand on the mantle, his back to her and his shoulders hunched.

“Um, yes,” Allie said, prompted by a gentle squeeze of Esadora’s fingers.

The Siren flashed her a knowing smile, then her irises shifted. Their color became harder, faceted like gemstones, and her gaze trailed down Allie’s face and to the center of her sternum. Allie struggled to swallow past the dryness in her throat, very aware that every eye in the room was on her. Every gaze but the one she wanted looking at her the most right now.

She let out a soft sound, then cupped Allie’s cheek. “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, child. There is no true strength in this world that is not paid for in blood and tears. May your strength carry you through the rest of your trials.”

Then she sat back, keeping her hold on one of Allie’s hands. “First things first, I do believe I can help with your current situation.”

A spike of panic tore through Allie’s chest. “Help how?” she asked, suddenly afraid that the woman would somehow take Eliya away from her. At one point she would have given anything for the nightmares and the episodes to end, but now? Now the idea of losing Eliya was like cutting off a limb.

But Esadora’s knowing smile didn’t fade. “Normally, damage to the soul is caused by trauma either physical or emotional. Whatever artifact was used to attack you damaged your soul directly, leaving behind the mental scars of a horrible trauma without a root cause, which left your mind floundering in an attempt to protect itself. As a Siren, I can feed off both the energy your soul gives off as well as your soul itself. I never do the latter, but in this case I believe I can absorb some of the damaged area, much like cutting scar tissue from a wound to let healthy tissue take its place.”

“Then it won’t affect my memories?” Allie asked. “Not even the ones that don’t belong to me?”

“No,” she said softly. “No, those are yours now, and there’s nothing anyone can do to take them.”

Allie bit her lip, thinking. “Esa,” Zaren said, not turning away from the flame.

“Patience, Zaren,” she said with a grin at his back. “All things in their time.”

“Alright,” Allie said finally. “If you think it might help.”

Esadora nodded. “It will. It should make this transition smoother. You’ll feel tired for a few days while your soul recovers, but surrounded by as much love and affection as you are it shouldn’t be long before you’re feeling better than ever.”

Allie took a breath, then nodded. Esadora placed a gentle hand on the center of her chest and her eyes shifted again, the facets in her irises becoming sharper and more pronounced. Allie felt something shift inside her. It was small at first, like a tickle bordering on an itch. Then it grew. It quickly developed into a sharp pain, but the kind that came from stretching an abused muscle. It was a good pain that promised relief.

Then, as quickly as it had started, the pain faded away. Esadora took a deep breath through her nose, her eyes rolled back in her head. Allie felt a wave of fatigue wash over her, but it was akin to the tiredness that came after a good workout. She felt wobbly for a moment, but long graceful arms wrapped around her midriff to steady her as Therese hugged her from behind.

“Better?” Esadora asked, her tone breathy.

Allie didn’t answer right away. She was tired now, sure, but it felt like the pressure in her chest that had become her constant companion had lessened considerably. Like a joint she’d popped back into place after it being injured for a long time. “Yes. Much.”

Esadora nodded, clearing her throat. “For the record, should you need such a treatment again, I recommend you return to me rather than finding another Siren. Feeding directly off the soul can be a very addicting thing, but I’ve buried enough family members in my time to prejudice that I’m confident in my ability to resist such urges.”

Therese’s arms tightened around. “Will she need it again?” she asked.

Esadora tilted her head. “It’s difficult to say. I’ve seen similar injuries in victims of feral Siren attacks, but there aren’t enough of us left for that to be a common occurrence. And the nature of the artifact used on you isn’t exactly the same, so combined with the abnormal nature of your soul I can’t give you any certainties. I do live in the city, so I can check up on you regularly if that’s what you wish.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Zaren asked over his shoulder.

She nodded. “I believe the strange bond you’ve managed to create between you and your allies might speed her healing up considerably. Perhaps even undo some of the damage, which is beyond my capabilities.”

Zaren couldn’t hide the flash of a grimace that passed over his face. Allie tried not to let it get to her, but it was difficult. She figured he had a reason for the way he was acting—he always had a reason for everything he did—but without knowing what that reason was, the distance he kept creating between them hurt.

But he schooled his features behind a mask she didn’t recognize. One she assumed he’d crafted during the war. “We’ll discuss it after, then. Now will you tell me if I’m crazy or not?”

Esadora sank back into the couch without answering immediately. Allie didn’t think she was enjoying leaving Zaren in suspense. It was more like she was hesitating to tell him something she knew he wouldn’t take well. Finally, in a voice so quiet Allie was surprised Zaren even heard it, she said, “you were right. About all of it.”

He closed his eyes, leaning his forehead on the wall in front of him. Everyone in the room waited with bated breath. Finally, he straightened. “When Allura tracked me down, she offered me a deal. I thought there was nothing a goddess could ever offer me that I wanted badly enough to warrant working with her. I was wrong.”
He didn’t turn around. He stared into the flames like it might have the answers to whatever questions were still burning in his mind. “My end of the deal was to prepare the world for some unknown threat. One that would leave us decimated as divided as we are now. She put me to sleep for thirty years, and I’ve spent the last two months doing what I could to hold up my end as I understood it.”

A goddess? Zaren had made a deal with a goddess? That explained how he was still so young this many years later, but Allie still couldn’t wrap her head around what a goddess could possibly offer for Zaren to even entertain—

“In return for doing what I could to prepare Kasidiel, she would reincarnate all the souls of those I’d failed to protect in my lifetime,” he said, his voice ragged.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, that’d do it.

There were varying reactions around the room, but the two that caught her attention were Serena and Rhallani’s.

“Oh, Zaren…” Serena whispered, tears building in the corners of her eyes. She reached for him with her tattooed arm, then she froze at the sight of the flowers etched into her skin.

But Rhallani made a pained sound, clamping a hand over her mouth. Allie was so distracted by them that it wasn’t until Zaren started talking again that the full implication of what he was saying kicked in.
“Considering every interaction I’ve ever had with the gods and their servants, I fully expected her to hold those souls over my head until I completed her task. I’d do whatever she asked of me, and afterwards the people I cared about would get a second chance. It never once occurred to me that she might have…” he trailed off.

That she’d already reincarnated them. That, during his divine coma, they’d all lived lives. “Are…are you saying that I’m…”

“There are two basic types of reincarnation,” Esadora said softly. “One which preserves the memory of your past life, which is incredibly rare and typically only ever seen in extreme situations when a god is bestowing a great boon on a follower who gave their life for their deity. The other is more common. Reborn without the memories of your past life. Yours is both, and it’s neither. You were reborn with your memories, but they were suppressed. Whether the goddess intended to restore them or not I can’t say, but it seems that whatever damage was caused to your soul ripped open your past self and allowed it to bleed in your current self.”

Allie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Then—then I’m not just seeing Eliya’s memories, I’m—”

“Yes,” Esadora said, squeezing Allie’s hand gently. “I’ve come across reincarnated souls twice before, and I can say with a reasonable certainty that your soul is reincarnated. I see over three decades’ worth of marks, good and bad, between both halves. Something only possible if your soul is older than your body. And there’s more.”

“More?” Zaren asked, finally turning towards her. The pain in his expression ripped Allie apart.

Esadora nodded. “It seems your goddess made an addition. She tethered their souls to you. It’s little more than a slight tug, more like a magnet than any true bond, but if I’m right then it would slowly pull them into your orbit. Sooner or later, those she marked in this way will eventually cross your path. Fate will demand it. I believe that is the oddity you’re seeing. That pull bleeds through the magic hiding the original soul, altering its appearance enough for you to notice it.”

He laughed dryly, running a hand through his hair. “Un-fucking-believable. I should have known she’d pull something like this.”

Serena finally stood, going to him and putting her hand on his arm like Allie desperately wanted to. “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” she said softly.

He relaxed at her touch, but he was still clearly agitated. “I don’t know what it is yet. I do know I hate being manipulated.”

“How are you being manipulated?” Therese asked, an edge to her tone. No doubt she felt how tense Allie was. After all, she was the one who just found out she was the reincarnation of the tortured, abused girl that had once loved Zaren.

He let out a breath. “Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m overreacting. But from what it sounds like, she brought back all the people I already lost once and tethered them to me right before sending me into what is very likely to turn out to be a war. Maybe even one that makes the war against Grimsbane look like a fucking border skirmish. Holding the souls over my head would be one way to ensure my loyalty, but bringing them back and putting them in the line of fire? That’s one way to make damn sure I do whatever it is she wants from me.”

Allie stood, her legs much steadier than they had any right to be. Zaren tensed when she got close, but he didn’t flinch away this time. “Can we talk? Please?”

After a brief hesitation, he nodded. They stepped away so they wouldn’t be overheard, though Serena accompanied them. “Serena is Allura’s priestess,” he explained. “For reasons I can go into later, I’m pretty sure she’s supposed to be integral to the whole reincarnation thing. Is it alright if she stays?”

It was the most he’d said directly to her in one go, so she nodded. “That’s fine.”

He spoke before she could. “I’m sorry. I know this must be a lot. I can’t even imagine…” He shook his head. “I know I’m probably not handling this well.”

“A revelation like this? I can hardly blame you,” Allie said with a smile. “So, what’s next? Now that I’m here, what do we do?” How do we handle the fact that we’d been so close in another life?

“Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I’m already dealing with enough shit right now, and this is going to make everything more complicated.”

Her jaw clenched and she looked away. A complication. Was that how he saw her? “I’m sorry,” she said.

“No, that’s not—” He reached for her, but stopped himself before he could make contact. “Look, finding out that the people I cared about have already been reincarnated is a massive complication, but it’s one that just made its way to the top of my list. It changes…well, it changes a lot of things. I need to think. To figure shit out. And I need to make sure our enemies don’t get the upper hand on us while I do.”

“So let us help,” Allie said, crossing her arms. Eliya wanted to smack some sense into him, and Allie wasn’t too against the idea. “We’re hardly slouches. Therese is a B rank adventurer, and Nora and Rose can hold their own in a fight. And I’ve been training with a sword since I was fourteen, not to mention everything I know because of Eliya.”

He flinched again at the sound of the name, rubbing his palm with his thumb. “I know. I can tell just by looking at you all that you’re more than competent. I just…”

“You just what?” She took a step closer, and a part of her rejoiced when he didn’t move away. “What is it, Zaren? What do you know that I don’t? I’ve spent the better part of a month trying to reconcile never seeing you again, and now that I’ve found you it’s like you don’t even want me here.”

He couldn’t hold her gaze. “That isn’t true.”

Allie snorted. “Yeah, that was convincing.”

His eyes cut to hers, and for a second she could see his spark. His fire. But it was gone just as fast, replaced by the same cocktail of emotions as before. Guilt the predominant one. What had happened to make him like this? He’d never once looked at her like he was looking at her now.

“What’s the last thing you remember as Eliya?” he asked suddenly.

She frowned. “The night before the final test. You didn’t want me to say how much I loved you while we were collared. Guess what, Zaren?” She tapped two fingers to her bare throat. “No collars here.”

He sighed. “It’s not that simple El—er, what should I call you?”

She opened her mouth to yell at him, but came up short. It was a fair question, and one she realized she didn’t have an immediate answer to. But it didn’t take her long to make a choice. “Allie. Eliya is who I had to be, but Allie is who I wanted to be.”

His gaze softened somewhat and he nodded. “Allie, then.” He sighed. “Listen, as far as I’m concerned, what’s mine is yours. If you want, we can get you and your group rooms in the manor. Fuck knows we’ve got the space. And once I’ve had a minute to sort through all the shit going on up here,” he tapped his temple, “then we can talk more, but…”

“But what?” she demanded, tears pricking the backs of her eyes. There was something holding him back, and she could tell by his expression he wasn’t planning to fill her in on what or why.

“Until you know everything—until you remember that last day—I think it’s for the best we remain allies at best.” Allie did her best to ignore the feeling of her heart shattering in her chest. Zaren continued on as if her world weren’t falling out from under her. “I’ll do everything I can to help you, but until you know everything that’s all I can offer.”

Allie blinked back the angry tears that threatened to fall. She would not cry. Not here. Not in front of him. Not because of him. “And if it’s not all I have to offer?”

He took another step away. “I’m sorry. I really am. Maybe after I’ve thought things through a little more it'll be different.” His tone suggested he didn’t think that very likely. “You can trust Serena. All of them, really, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t have made it this far without her.”

He closed his eyes and she felt another brush against what must have been her soul. For a brief moment, she felt him. She felt the echoes of his pain. Of the loss and suffering that still haunted him, even if his wounds had finally begun to heal. She could sense the weight he’d carried for so long, as well as the weight he carried now. It took her breath away.

Then she received a notification.

[Accept Soul Link: yes/no]

She couldn’t accept it fast enough.

A gasp slipped out of her as warmth flooded her chest. Like a balm spread over the pain Esadora had caused. Everything suddenly felt lighter. She felt at peace for the first time in a long, long time. She felt whole. A tear did fall this time, but it wasn’t one born from sadness or anger. She felt him, too. Uncertainty. Longing. Grief. And still that heavy, choking guilt. He cared for her just as much as she cared for him, but the guilt was like a weight around his neck. Holding him back. Driving a wedge between them that she hadn’t understood the depths of until now.

Her body thrummed with the magic of their newfound connection even as he winced slightly. She felt a pinprick of his pain, but she also knew he was fine with it. That in his mind, in spite of whatever guilt he felt, that pain was well worth the connection they now shared. Even if she one day hated him for it.

Hated him?

She opened her mouth to protest. To insist that it was Karn’s fault she died, not his, but the words wouldn’t come out. She couldn’t say that for sure, could she? Not when Eliya’s final day remained a mystery. What if there was good reason for his guilt? What if he was completely validated in holding himself back? If he just accepted her with open arms and then it turned out he’d betrayed her, she might never have forgiven him.
As the Link settled and her awareness of him faded to a background hum, she dried her cheeks. “Fine. Maybe with this Link and Esadora’s help, I’ll remember sooner than later.” Even without the Link she could tell he was torn on if he wanted that to happen or not. “But Zaren, I’m not sure I can handle living under your roof if you’re just going to avoid me at every turn.”

He inclined his head with a sad smile. “And I’m not sure I could handle being just friends with you, but we’ll have to see what tomorrow brings, won’t we?”

Even if the emotion behind it wasn’t the one she wanted, his smile still made her heart skip a beat. “I guess so.”

Turning towards Serena, he opened his mouth to say something. She just shook her head and placed her hand on his chest. “Go. We both know there’s somewhere you need to be right now. I’ll tell the others.”
He deflated, then pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She caressed his face with the light touch of a lover. “I’m perfectly capable of handling things until you return.”

“I love you,” he whispered.

She returned the words, and Allie’s gut clenched. Zaren took a step towards the door, then paused. He looked at her over his shoulder, and for the second time that night she saw a glimpse of his fire. “I loved you. Never doubt that. From when you put me back together after my trials to the day you took your last breath and beyond, I loved you. I only hope we can find our way back to that someday.”

Emotion welled up in her throat. She hadn’t realized how badly she needed to hear those words until he spoke them. How badly Eliya needed that reassurance. “Me too.”

He nodded once, then he was gone. Allie stared at the door he’d left through until the tall auburn haired girl with the turquoise eyes walked up. Tiana, she was pretty sure. “He’s gone to Stella’s, hasn’t he?”

Serena just nodded, her lips pinched. Allie couldn’t help herself. “Stella?”

Serena sighed. “If he and Esadora are right, then you’re not the only reincarnated we’ve found. You’re just the only one who’s recovered her memories. And not all the ones we’ve found are safe under our roof.”

Allie blanched. “No shit? Who else?”

“Most of us,” Tiana said, her voice grim, “which is going to do a number on his head right now.” She hugged herself, rubbing her biceps. “Fuck, you think he already knows who’s who?”

“There’s no telling,” Serena said softly. “But I’m sure he has some idea.”

“Great,” Tiana grumbled. “Rhallani already took off and Jack started smoking, so she’s retreated to her safe room. The twins are asleep, so we’ll have to bring them up to speed later.” She shook her head. “We know you’re safe, then,” she said, nodding towards Serena, “and Safina and Noelle too. Thank fuck for that. If Allura had let two of his reincarnated friends get enslaved, he’d fucking kill her.”

“Safe?” Allie asked, obviously several pages behind.

Serena just nodded. “He was already worried the shimmers—the marks he’s noticed on some of the souls in his household—were giving him an unfair advantage romantically speaking. I’m sure he’ll be hesitant at best around those we suspect to be reincarnated.”

Allie looked at her friends, who were locked in a hectic, hushed conversation while throwing glances her way. “Now I really don’t know what to do.”

Serena slipped her hand in Allie’s. “Whatever you do, you’ve got us now. It’s clear Zaren cares for you, which means we care for you.”

Tiana put on a brave smile. “Yeah, don’t you worry one bit. Rhallani will be playing wingman by the end of the week.” Then her smile faded. “Fuck, that means Karina and Jayme…”

“Yeah,” Serena agreed, “which begs the question…”

“Do we tell them?” Tiana finished.

Allie just shook her head, feeling lost. “This is not how I saw today going.”

Tiana laughed, then threw her arm over Allie’s shoulder and pulled her close. “Pretty sure none of us expected to have the rug yanked out from beneath our feet, least of all Zaren. But you’re the one who’s been doing this on your own. Mostly,” she amended, when Allie’s eyes drifted back to her friends. “It’s a fucked situation to be sure, but maybe if we girls work together we can find a way to un-fuck it.”

Serena nodded. “I agree.” She gave Allie’s hand a squeeze. “Just tell us what you need from us.”

Allie took a breath. Whatever the case, she had more answers now than she did before. Not only that, but she was in a safe place surrounded by people who might actually be able to help her answer all the questions bouncing around in her head. But first things first…

“I want to know everything you’re willing to tell me.”