Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter 246: Sneks, Frogs, and a Pirate

"You hang up..."

"No, (giggle) you hang up!"

"Sss…. No, I won'th! You hang up!"

"For the love of GOD!" Agent Liang howled in agony, "Somebody please hang the fuck up!"

Agent Vashtona snickered, her eyestalks waving furiously.

"I didn't know you humans played the 'hang up game', too!"

"Adult humans don't," Agent Liang snapped.

"Goodnight, sweetie," Syd giggled over the speaker, "… you can hang up now."

"Buth I don'th wanna," Jeruzz laughed, "you hang up!"

"Do you think I pissed off someone at HQ?" Agent Liang moaned. "This has to be some sort of punishment detail!"

"Mmm?" Agent Vashtona asked as she was fiddling with her tablet.

"What are you doing over there?" Agent Liang asked as she looked away for a moment.

"Oh, just considering getting some work done," she replied. "I'm thinking about having him engrave my nine, maybe work on the grips a little."

"You can't be serious," Agent Liang said, wincing as a fresh set of "you hang up's" broke out. "You aren't going to actually contact our target, are you?"

"Well, why not?" Agent Vashtona replied. "He advertises publicly, gets great reviews… and I really like his stuff, especially that woodland scene with all the animals."

"Oh…" Syd giggled over the speaker, "and just what would you do to me if you were here?"

"I'd… um..." Jeruzz stammered, "I'd hug you and kiss you… you know… all over..."

"Ooo! Where would you kiss me?"

"Oh dear Lord, no..." Agent Liang gasped in horror, "please… no..."

“Well… I’d kiss your neck… then I’d kiss your… um… SsssSSssssSsss…”

"Tell me! Tell me where you'd kiss me!… Can you… giggle… can you switch your camera on?"

An anguished human scream echoed through the surveillance van.

***

Agent Liang, hands shaking slightly, poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Well, that was certainly something..." Agent Vashtona said, blinking all of her eyes. "Now I understand what Syd sees in him."

"Where was he hiding that thing?" Agent Liang shuddered.

"It seemed to extend from his lower… his..." Agent Vashtona mused for a moment, "He really doesn't have that many parts, does he?"

"Oh, he has one part, alright," Agent Liang said, shaking her head.

"And it's prehensile!" Agent Vashtona laughed. "No wonder Syd is so happy!"

"I think I'm going to need therapy," Agent Liang groaned.

"Hey, Liang," Agent Vashtona said after a moment, "Let's not attach those files to the report. Let's just archive them. It feels, I don't know… wrong to be spying on him like this."

"You do realize that we are spies, right?"

"Yeah…" Agent Vashtona replied, "but what intelligence can be derived from violating his privacy like that? Let's just dump that into the servers and say they did the phone sex."

"… fine..." Agent Liang replied, "I only wanted to attach it to make the boss suffer like I am, anyway."

"Thanks," Agent Vashtona said. "I mean, it's bad enough we are peeking through their bedroom window. I don't want to make it worse by holding them up to… scrutiny..."

"Yeah," Agent Liang replied, "they don't deserve that."

"Still though," Agent Vashtona said, "I bet he's fantastic in the sack… Did you see that thing?"

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"Yeah..." Agent Liang said with a bit more wistful longing in her voice than she realized.

***

About that time and roughly a light-year away, Harval Smythe and Gary entered the lobby of The Patriot, the hotel where they had been staying.

"Good mornin'!" a smartly dressed young woman said as she smiled at them.

"Good morning," Harval said pleasantly.

The woman just kept smiling…

and staring…

"Mornin'!" she said again.

"It is, isn't it?" Gary chuckled.

She just kept smiling… and staring. "Can… can we help you with something?" Harval asked.

"Oh, no," the young woman said, clearly staring at his wedding ring, "Is everythin' t' yer satisfactin?"

"Yes?" Harval said dubiously, bracing for trouble, as he approached the desk.

"K!" the woman replied, still just grinning at them.

Harval sighed.

"What?"

The woman leaned in towards him.

"You two are… you know..." she whispered.

"Not really," Harval sighed, "what are we, exactly."

"You know..."

She leaned in even closer.

"...gay..." she whispered, barely audible.

"Yes," Harval replied, "we are indeed homosexuals. Is that a problem?"

"No!" the young woman squeaked, "Not at all… I mean… I don't care… but..."

She stared at his ring.

"Yes," Harval smiled patiently, "we are indeed married."

"Gay people can get married?!?"

"In the Republic," Gary chuckled, "you can marry a potted palm if you want. Nobody cares."

"Wow!" the young woman gasped… and fidgeted uncomfortably…

"And you don't run into any… you know… trouble?"

"It's the thirty-second century," Harval replied, "...at least where we are from. Most people have much more to be concerned about than who I marry or sleep with. It is absolutely not a concern."

"...oh..." the woman said, a little downcast.

Harval looked at her appraisingly.

"I take it that it's a concern here?"

"Oh yeah!" she exclaimed, "Big time!… I mean… Yew ain't gonna get lynched or nothin'… probably… but..."

"Well, it's not like that everywhere," he smiled at her. "In fact, there are even Kuipers where it's not a big deal."

"Like the Polaris tribe!" the young woman said excitedly, "Or the Ice Queens… or..."

"Or anywhere in the Republic," Harval smiled a bit more gently. "It's a big galaxy out there… or even a big solar system. Someone doesn't have to stay where they were born, you know."

"Oh, I know," the young woman said uncertainly.

Harval pulled out his phone meaningfully.

The young woman hesitantly did the same.

There was a quiet beep.

"If someone is truly interested, there's a link to an interesting website. It's for people who want to come in from the cold, if you get what I'm saying. Any Kuiper would have no problem finding a place a bit… more welcoming..."

"Oh!" the young woman exclaimed. "Um…"

She leaned in again.

"Thank you," she whispered with a nervous smile.

***

A few hours later, Vashtona sat upright in her "chair".

"Hey, Liang!" she said as she poked Agent Liang's hammock with one of her "fronds". (They aren't plants but damned if they don't look like it.)

"Wha?" Liang asked as she awoke instantly.

"We have movement," she said.

"At this hour?" Liang said as she hopped out of the hammock and scrambled over to Vashtona.

On the screen, Jeruzz was forcing open his bedroom window.

"Get all the drones hot!" Liang barked. "Finally! We get to see what this monster-dicked asshole is up to!"

"Already hot," Vashtona scoffed, "I do know how to do my job."

"Where's he going?" Liang asked excitedly.

"Looks like the backyard," Vashtona snerked, "It's the maintained, grassy area behind the dwelling."

Agent Liang just batted one of Vashtona's eyestalks as they all wiggled with mirth.

***

"It's like he's a completely different person," Agent Liang whispered, "now, he's acting like a snake."

The pair hunched over the holo-monitors watching Jeruzz's every slither from six different micro-drones.

"I don't think he's going anywhere in particular," Vashtona said after a few moments, "I think he's finally gone hunting… I think..."

Jeruzz paused to carefully examine the ground. Letting out a satisfied hiss, he started moving in a much more directed fashion.

"Looks like he's on the trail of something," Liang said quietly, "can we tell what?"

"I don't want to get too close," Vashtona replied, "Let me see if I can pick up the trail further back."

"He's headed towards the river," Agent Liang observed. "… Oh," she said unhappily, "I like raccoons..."

"Circle of life," Vashtona said as she winced. "Damn, he's fast! At least he does it au naturale. He doesn't 'cheat' by using a gun or anything."

"Yeah…" Agent Laing said unhappily, "Poor raccoon..."

***

Sheloran just sighed with contentment.

Trees!

She could just feel so much tension melt away. It was almost like home… almost…

"And that one is a white oak!" Dwight said excitedly. "It has the best wood."

He bent down to pick up an acorn.

"And these are actually edible, but we… oh."

Sheloran took the acorn and popped it into her mouth.

" So yummy!"

Dwight grinned.

"They're alright," he smiled, "but most get processed into basic carbs or just left lying unless we're sprouting them for planting."

"You actually grow enough trees to harvest?"

"Yes and no," he smiled. He really loved it out here. "We kind of play at it, wood being so valuable and all, but we aren't a forestry cylinder."

"There are forest cylinders?!?"

"Only a few that I know of," he said, "It's not terribly efficient but damned if they don't make some money. Wood's really valuable."

"Wow!" Sheloran enthused, "This place is wonderful!"

"We try," Dwight said proudly. "Oh! There's a hickory!" he exclaimed. "You are in for a treat! If you like acorns, you will love hickory nuts!"

Sheloran made a happy cooing noise.

***

Sheila lounged on a sofa in her t-shirt and panties as a burly red-haired man strode in wearing only a pair of boxer briefs with two beers in his hands.

She sighed contentedly as she accepted one.

"Terry," she smiled, "I could get used to this."

"So why doncha?" TerryAllen smiled as he settled in next to her on his sofa.

"Republics to save, shit to steal," Sheila grinned as she took a sip, "You know, girl stuff."

TerryAllen laughed.

"Besides," Sheila chuckled, "This is great for a few days, but the honeymoon would end, and it would end real quick. I am an inner, you know. We'd get on each other's nerves pretty quickly."

"Only ifn yeh wanted t'," TerryAllen chuckled, "Yer no moar an inner dan I'm."

"You shut your whore mouth!" Sheila laughed.

"Nah, seriusly," TerryAllen said, "Yer a spacer an a pirate. How mech time diya axualy spen' in dat Republik of yers?"

"You are asking to get pegged with a beer bottle, you know that?" Sheila smiled.

"Thin'bout it," TerryAllen chuckled, "Ye haf more in common with us dan dose innies you are risking that pretty lil ass of yers over."

"I didn't come here to think, Terry," Sheila smirked, "You do realize that, right?"

She drank her beer seductively.

"I came here for other reasons..."

"Ohdidya now?" TerryAllen said as he leaned in for a kiss.

***

"We've had the Keth known as Jeruzz under surveillance for several days now," a man in a grey suit said, handing her a tablet. "And he's shown no indication of being anything other than a raccoon eating xenophile who is training to be a weaponsmith."

"Keep on him," The Prime Minister said, "Has he been interrogated yet?"

"Not yet, ma'am," the agent replied, "We are still compiling a database of his expressions and body language. We want to have the AI fully fed before we interview him."

"Smart," the Prime Minister replied. "Keep me informed."

"Our analysis indicates that he is most likely exactly what he appears to be, Prime Minister."

"Nothing about this whole cluster fuck is exactly what it appears to be," the Prime Minister replied. "If he's legit, then no harm done. Keep the agents on him."

***

"How long is he just going to lie there?" Agent Liang grumbled.

"The reports from the hospital indicate that these 'feeding torpors' can last several days," Agent Vashtona shrugged.

"Days?!?"

"At least he isn't rambling about Harold Potmaker or having vid-sex," Agent Vashtona snerked. "Let's go to Seattle, stretch our flippers. We can monitor the drones from anywhere on the planet. Besides, we're running out of places to be inconspicuous out here."

"Yeah," Agent Liang said as she looked at Jeruzz happily snoozing.

You know, he was kinda cute… in a really weird way…

She blinked.

"Yeah..." she said with an odd catch in her voice, "I think we do need a break."

***

Doreen Richardson quietly opened the door to Jeruzz's room and peered in.

"Yeah," she said into the phone quietly, "He's still out. I'll tell him to give you a call when he wakes up… not that he wouldn't do that the second he does anyway."

"Thanks, Doreen," Syd said cheerfully.

"No problem," Doreen replied, "Later."

"Bye," Syd replied brightly as she hung up.

Doreen just smiled and closed the door.

She then walked into the kitchen and dialed another number.

"Doreen!" an older man answered. "How are you doing, you old she-wolf?"

"Pretty good," Doreen replied, "Hey, why the fuck is my house covered in your little spy drones?"