The Decade of Deep Love

Chapter 74: Heart Attack

Translator: Claire.KK

Wenxu Jiang didn’t dare to fall out with Zekun Li. All he could do was wait. The more he bore, the more he hated himself for his uselessness.

The greatest pain is that you’ve worked so hard only to move yourself instead of making an actual difference.

Wenxu Jiang didn’t even know how he walked outside the door. The anoxia numbed his limbs. The cold air sobered him up as he took a hard inhalation.

Sparse tiny snowflakes fell from the sky on Wenxu’s way back home, he reached out of the car window to try to hold one, but the snowflake melted the instant it touched his palm, becoming a small drip of ice-cold water as Wenxu withdrew his hand.

“Did you watch the weather forecast?” An abrupt question came from the back seat.

Assistant Song felt confounded for a bit and answered, “It didn’t say it’s gonna snow but the sky’s been gloomy since this morning. I figured it might snow and it does.”

“Yeah.” Wenxu Jiang insipidly replied. Not until nearly half a minute later did he talked again, “It was also a snowy day the last time you saw Zhishu He, wasn’t it?”

Assistant Song didn’t forget. He went to deliver Zhishu those dumplings that day. He clearly remembered one look in Zhishu He’s eyes the moment he saw those dumplings, a sudden despair look that no one would have the heart to watch.

“Yes, the snow was bigger than today.”

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The man at the back seat quieted down. Assistant Song peeked him from the rearview mirror out of curiosity. He saw the man that used to be condescending and bossy took more than ten seconds to light the cigarette because his hands were shaking so dramatically.

The white smoke slowly covered the complexity in Wenxu’s eyes. He exhaled lightly; the snow was getting bigger. He looked outside the window and asked in a trance, “Am I an asshole to Zhishu He?”

Assistant Song had witnessed many things, like Wenxu Jiang told Zhishu He on the phone that he was busy with work while he was out with his lover, and he picked up many boys and girls for Wenxu Jiang. But it’s not his place to comment or judge.

So he just slowly replied, “You and Mr. He had a very good relationship in the beginning.”

Only in the beginning.

Wenxu was aware and he knew he asked a needless question. Anyone with eyes could see he owed Zhishu so much. Jingwen said he didn’t love him enough, Ziyu Ai said he didn’t deserve Zhishu, even Zekun Li humiliated him with Zui Shen. People said those things for a reason, and the reason was he made one after another mistake.

Step by step, he had come to this far. He’d got no one to blame but himself.

The cruelty of reality is, not until after you lose one thing, will you know how important it is to you, but it would always be too late to realize.

As Wenxu Jiang mindlessly watched the streets and things outside the window flashing by, he suddenly locked his eyes on one street. He pinched the cigarette with his fingers in a self-harming way. He told in a low voice, trying to conceal his frailty and sorrow, “Stop the car.”

Assistant Song couldn’t keep up his request, but only slowed down the car. “Boss, the snow is getting bigger. You didn’t look well at noon. I’ll drive you home the soonest possible.”

Wenxu Jiang insisted, “Stop. I’ll go home by myself.”

Assistant Song had no choice but to pull the car over. “Boss, please watch yourself. Call me if you need me.”

Wenxu Jiang nodded and walked away without saying a thing.

It was a street with little passersby in normal days so there was Wenxu Jiang walking down the road alone in this rigor. The blade-like winds were slicing Wenxu Jiang’s face but he looked placid because the physical pain was nothing compared to his heartache.

The ground was covered with thin snow; every step of Wenxu’s left a shoeprint on the whiteness. Suddenly, he halted, looked back at a loss. All he could see was the empty street with a track of his shoeprints.

He slightly opened his mouth, weak trembling voices were forced out of his heart as he called, “Zhishu... Zhishu... Where are you? I’m... I’m here to watch the snow with you.”

No answer. Only the winds howled at him as if he was the only person standing in this world.

His face uncontrollably jerked; he could hardly breathe due to the heartache. But Wenxu Jiang realized it was a heart attack instead of the mere heartache as he paralyzed.

He didn’t know how long he lay in the winds and snow with eyes wide-open. He threw all the pills into his mouth without counting. Finally, he lifted himself up. Wenxu Jiang kept telling himself—what should Zhishu do if he gave up just like that.

It was over 7 o’clock when he got home. He was so cold that he totally lost his senses but he struggled to turn on all the lights and then opened his wine cabinet.

He abused himself with the wines, white or red, as if those were water. As long as he was still conscious, he would be in pain.

The good thing about the wine is it warms you up.

Wenxu Jiang lay on the floor with dim eyes. He kept mouthing sorry, sorry, sorry...

Sorry for not protecting and loving you all the time. Sorry that I had someone else in my life apart from you. Sorry that I must abide even when I tried to save you... Sorry... I don’t even know I’m so in love with you myself.

Wenxu Jiang raised his hand and put it on his chest. He looked away, under the couch, there lay a silvery thing. He crawled there almost intuitively. He pressed his whole body on the ground, which was dusty because of the long lack of cleaning, and strived to reach out to that little thing.

Wenxu Jiang burst into tears instantly. He cried like a child under 10. His face was a mess but he couldn’t make a single sound. He was too sad to make a sound.

In his hands, it was Zhishu’s ring. The rusty dark stuff on it smeared Wenxu Jiang’s hand. That was dried blood.

Wenxu Jiang pressed it on his chest; his quivering hand could hardly hold a small ring. He suddenly raised his shaking right hand and smacked himself very hard to finally sober himself up, he tried to steady his hand to put the ring on his little finger.

The reunion of the two rings took place after three years.

He and Zhishu He seemed to be back together for eternity.