The Detective is Already Dead

Chapter 32: Chapter 3.1

I pick up a little girl. Then I get fired.

In a narrow lane with no foot traffic, a girl was asleep in a cardboard box someone had thrown away.

Usually, it would be a kitten or a puppy, but this was a girl. She had long, coral-pink hair tied back in twin ponytails. When I pushed it out of the way with a fingertip, the face that appeared was young, breathing peacefully, and solidly in dreamland.

"...What do I do now?"

Frankly, the situation screamed "trouble." First off, I'd only gone into this completely deserted alley because an apple from my bag had rolled this way. Maybe you're thinking, What a total cliché, that's ridiculous..., but that's how it goes with me.

"Well, it's not like I can get out of it anyway."

Experience had taught me that once I'd stumbled into trouble, that trouble wouldn't go away until I resolved it. That meant the best plan was to deal with it as quickly as possible.

Besides, since I'd spent a lot of time overseas (partly because I'd had this annoying issue for ages), I could get around passably well in the languages of several countries, so even at times like this, I was able to speak to strangers without hesitating.

"Hey. You alive?" I poked at the girl's cheek with a fingertip. It was soft, soft and supple and springy as mochi. "...Nn...uhn..."

The girl squirmed, and the sheets of newspaper covering her rustled. I reached in from the side and poked her cheek again. Rustle. Poke. Rustle.

Poke. After a few rounds of that... "Nn, who is it...?"

Finally, the girl sat up, moving sluggishly and rubbing her eyes. Then she turned her head about ninety degrees to the side, and our eyes met.

Hers were large and strong-willed, with long eyelashes. She seemed to be

about twelve or thirteen—a cute little girl now, but I had the feeling she was going to be really beautiful someday.

I was examining her closely, when— "—Oh."

Suddenly, as if she'd realized something, the girl squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm going to get assaulted."

For some reason, I had an extremely bad feeling about this, but I asked her anyway.

"By who?"

"You!"

The girl glared at me sharply. She'd teared up a little.

"Make no mistake—no matter what you do to my body, you'll never control my heart!"

And now I was the target of a baseless suspicion... Not fair.

"You even dragged me into a back alley... You're the worst! You beast!"

You were sleeping here all on your own. Argh, my head hurts.

"Sorry, but I don't have a thing for little kids." "—! Wh-who are you calling a little kid?!" "You."

The girl tried to grab me by the shirtfront, but she was way too short for it to work as a threat.

"Ghk, take that! And that!"

She bounced up and down, attempting to shove her index fingers at my face. Was she trying to blind me or something? This was one dangerous little girl.

"I'm not little! I'm a regular girl!"

"Yeah, okay, okay. I get it, just calm down."

I caught the girl's wrists, lifting her off the ground so that her feet dangled in midair.

"When you meet someone new, you're supposed to start with introductions. My name is Kimihiko Kimizuka. And you are...?"

"I'm..."

The girl frowned for a moment. "...Alicia?"

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"Why'd you say it like a question? Did you come from Wonderland or something?"

"I'm hungry."

"This is barely a conversation."

I handed her one of the apples I'd just bought. Would this make her Snow White? As Alicia nibbled on the crisp red fruit, she finally began looking around curiously.

"So, where are we?"

"What do you mean? Didn't you pick this place to sleep?" "..."

Once again, I got a bad feeling—and a few seconds later, that feeling proved to be right on the money.

"...I dunno."

Figures. Apparently, she wasn't just lost or a street kid. "Amnesia," I said.

For the first time, the girl's gaze wandered, uneasily.

I asked about her parents' names. Where she was from. Her birthday. Her friends. What she'd had for dinner last night. I asked plenty of other questions, too, but the girl shook her head at everything.

"All I remember is that I'm seventeen this year." "You're definitely wrong about that, so forget it ASAP." "...Where are you looking?"

"It's all right. When the time comes, they'll grow."

But this was no time for bantering. I needed to hurry up and get to work on this problem.

"Once you're done eating, we're going to the police."

Alicia reached for a third apple (guess she was really hungry), and just then

—

"Hey, c'mon, really? Just my luck."

Although the sky had been clear just a minute ago, rain suddenly began pelting down. Great. Well, just gotta roll with it.

"Let's run."

"Huh?"

Pulling Alicia by the hand, I made for the apartment where Siesta was waiting.

"Listen, keep it down, all right?"

As I turned the doorknob, I gave Alicia a warning. "Is there somebody here besides you, Wolf?"

"Don't treat people like animals. I'm Kimizuka, Kimihiko Kimizuka."

I had no idea what Siesta would say if she found out I'd picked up an unidentified little girl.

For now, I'd let her shower, and I'd dry her wet clothes while she was in there. I could take her to the police after that. I tiptoed down the hall, showing Alicia to the bathroom.

"Man, did we get soaked."

"We certainly did. This is awful."

In the changing room, I took off my shirt, and just as I was about to pull Alicia's dress off over her head—

"??!! Why are you acting like you're coming in with me?!" "Are you dumb?! I told you not to yell."

"Things were happening so naturally, I almost fell for it!" "I told you, I don't mess around with little kids like you."

"Wha—...?!" Alicia's face turned as red as a boiled octopus. "Assistant, are you back?"

Just then, I heard Siesta's voice from the living room. Yeesh, I guess I should back down here.

"Okay, Alicia. Once you get out, change into some of the spare clothes over there."

With that, I headed for the living room by myself, drying my head off with a towel as I went.

"Welcome back. It's really coming down, isn't it?" she said. "Yeah, it just hit out of nowhere... What are you doing?"

In the kitchen, which opened onto the living room, Siesta was sitting in a wheelchair and mixing some sort of dough in a bowl. She was good at housework, but I'd almost never seen her cook before. That apron was a novel look on her.

"I thought I'd make an apple pie. You'd said you were going to the trouble

of buying some apples, so..." Siesta's hands moved cheerfully. "...Oh."

I'd completely forgotten. I'd let Alicia eat all the apples. "Umm, look. Siesta, uh..."

"Heh-heh! I mean, you know, you seem to have taken quite a liking to me, after all. I suppose this is my way of taking responsibility for being the object of someone's affections; I thought I could do this much for you, at least."

Oh geez. It's even harder to bring up now. Why does she seem genuinely happy, of all things? Ordinarily she gives me about as much thought as the average flea...

"But you came back at just the right time. Well? Where are the apples?" "Uh, the thing is..."

"Kimizukaaaa."

That was when the voice of a third party broke in. I could think of only one other person who was in this apartment.

"Are there any small towels?" Alicia, wrapped in a bath towel, peeked in around the door frame.

I see. I see, I see.

I stole a glance at Siesta, and our eyes met. There was a silence that seemed to stretch on forever. Then, finally, she hit me with the four-letter word I'd been anticipating.

"—Pedo."

Looks like this might be my last day as her assistant.

A new case opens with a scene straight from hell

"I understand the situation."

Siesta spoke from her perch on the bed, where she was sipping tea.

However, even as she said it, she was eyeing me contemptuously. "Darjeeling, huh? That smells nice."

"Mm-hmm. It goes very well with apple pie."

I'd been trying to put her in a good mood, and instead I'd ended up digging

my own grave. This was just not my day.

"It's safe to assume you'll never see me in an apron again."

"No way—you've got to be kidding me. That's all I've been looking forward to my whole life. This is tragic."

"...And now I'm quite angry. Apparently, even an individual of such noble character as myself has room to grow as a person."

"One of an assistant's jobs is fostering the emotional growth of his employer... Okay, okay, I overstepped, just please put that musket away! I'm sorry!"

I knelt by the bed, swearing I'd make it up to her someday and bowing my head to the muzzle of the gun she'd shoved at me.

"I didn't realize you had a girlfriend, Kimizuka," commented Alicia, the girl who'd caused all this trouble. Thanks for that.

She was sitting at the table, munching on apple pie (without the apples).

You think I'd date a girl who would turn a gun on me?

"Actually, there was no need to be so roundabout. You should have just brought her to me in the first place." Finally putting her weapon away, Siesta gestured for me to raise my head. "She's a lost girl with amnesia. Doesn't that sound like a job for a detective?"

...True. Now that she mentions it, she's right.

"You said you were Alicia?" Siesta called from the bed to the girl at the table. "You really don't know your actual name or anything?"

"...Uh-uh. Just that I'm seventeen this year." "Seven, okay."

"Seventeen!"

Alicia smacked the table, standing up. She must have been at that age where she wanted to be seen as an adult.

"Well, in reality, she's probably about twelve or thirteen. You can tell from her calves."

"Assistant, this isn't the time to show off your peculiar habits. Normal people can't tell how old a person is by the growth of their calves."

"—! So back there in the alley, you were looking at my calves, not my chest?!"

"No, that time, it was your chest. I saw it and thought, 'Nah, there's no way she's seventeen.'"

"O-oh, phew, you had me worried. My chest, huh? Thank goodness... —

Wait, no, that's not okay!"

"Assistant, if you must sexually harass someone, limit yourself to Charlie, all right?"

In a distant foreign country, I heard a beautiful blond girl deliver a very colorful retort.

...But now wasn't the time for that.

"Alicia, we'll take on the task of identifying you." Resuming the main topic, Siesta turned to Alicia. "But not for free."

"Hey, Siesta, you're going to take money from a kid?"

"What does her age have to do with it? Children are people, too," Siesta retorted. "Besides, I doubt there's anything less trustworthy than good deeds done for free."

...She had a point. Human relationships really were ninety-nine percent trust and one percent self-interest. That was how Siesta and I had gotten by during our journey, too.

"Then what do you want me to do?"

Alicia probably couldn't pay us with money. She didn't even have food, clothing, or shelter. How could she compensate an ace detective?

"I want you to be my proxy, Alicia. If you do, I promise to provide you with food, clothes, and a place to stay."

"So I'm gonna work as a detective...?" Alicia cocked her head somewhat melodramatically.

"...Siesta, isn't that going to be too much for her? I don't see how this would work."

"Yes, but..."

Siesta pointed to her own injured legs. Ah, right. The ace detective's on leave right now, huh?

"In that case, wouldn't it be better if I was the detective, and Alicia was my assistant?"

"No, but, well... Oh, you know what I mean. You just look like an assistant."

"That wasn't fair."

"You want me to become a detective out of nowhere?" said Alicia. "I'm not sure I even can..."

"If you're a detective, you'll have my assistant at your beck and call." "Woohoo! I'll do it! Sign me up!"

"This transaction officially sucks."

Correction: With Siesta and me, the relationship is one percent trust and ninety-nine percent self-interest.

"So what should I do, specifically?" Alicia asked Siesta. And with perfect timing—

"Jack the Ripper has revived again."

The voice of a third party broke in, and a chill ran through me. I hastily turned around, and—

"Ms. Fuubi? What're you...? Didn't you go back to Japan already?"

Ms. Fuubi, our police officer acquaintance, was sitting on the sofa with a cigarette.

"Oh, well, I remembered I had to see a man about a dog. Anyway, when did you two make a kid?" Ms. Fuubi glanced between me and Siesta, then at Alicia.

"Are you blind?" "You're blind."

Siesta and I retorted in unison. How could anybody possibly think Siesta and I were in that kind of relationship? Geez... And she hasn't even quit smoking.

"So, what did you need? You said something about Jack the Ripper coming back to life."

"Right. A new heart-hunt victim turned up yesterday. The M.O.'s similar to the earlier incidents."

"That's ridiculous..."

I mean, it wasn't even possible. After all, Hel had killed Cerberus—the real Jack the Ripper.

"Hel." On the bed, Siesta narrowed her eyes. "Oh, that's what's going on..."

Hel had taken up the heart-hunt in Cerberus's place. She was planning to revive that biological weapon again.

"It looks like you've got an idea about what this is. Well, that's perfect. I've actually got some information that might be useful in cornering our perp," said Ms. Fuubi. "This involves the young lady over there, too."

Maybe she'd heard us talking about letting Alicia handle the job. And then she'd brought us an incident that might end up being part of that job.

"This is still just a rumor, but it sounds like there's something here in London that may help us bring down SPES."

Oh-ho. Well, isn't that convenient...? My eyes met Siesta's. Then, when we wordlessly signaled for Ms. Fuubi to go on, she told us what it was called.

"From what I'm told, people call it 'the sapphire eye.'"