The Discarded, Half-Eaten Apple Core New Life

Legendary Fixtures? More Like Legendary F***ups!

Bloody dammit.

I couldn't believe it as I read and re-read this Legendary Fixture Bullshit.

A level every 240 people who make use of my (exp-giving) facilities. A truckload of free services. The System was really pushing it. My opportunities to level up were few. The recent leveling spurt caused by the artificially lowered levels from getting new classes and averaging down notwithstanding, I had few avenues to gain levels.

Knuth Checks were almost not a thing anymore. My intellect and skills were so high that I seldom committed errors. Yeah, I could spend half a million DM to earn 200 Exp but soon, in a dozen levels or so, it would dwindle to nothing. At that point, I could make billions of Mana every day and convert it to a thousand Experience points. And that was because I was a cheat crafter. But eventually, I would hit a ceiling. Robots and computers can only become so complex or big before the limitations of the technology turn them impractical.

But, to have a Magistrate bring in a prisoner and lock him in a pillory for 100 Exp? Without any effort on my part except providing the pillory? And later have people get themselves locked up because they can't put someone else's past behind them? Gold. Pure gold. And it would never get old.

Still, why did the System dump that stuff on me? It was like they were using me as a warehouse for odd magical artifacts. I mean. C'mon, all of these items might seem good on the surface but all of them were traps. Mixed blessings at most. Are there any of these that don't utterly screw people up?

The Soul Exchange Altar was... yeah. I'll rate them on a scale of how fucked up they were, from one to ten. This altar was an eight, at least. Okay, you bring a loved one back to life and die. How fucking poetic. Then what? The person who came back won't live with crushing regret? Because they didn't love you back? The only way I can see this altar working is if a loving husband or wife brings their callous cheating husband or wife back to life. They will look at the dead body and go, "Well, it was nice while it lasted. Thanks, hun." And walk past. Leaving the corpse behind.

Know what? Make it a nine.

The Oubliette was a twelve. Yeah, on a scale from one to ten. Oubliettes had this wedge right below the trap door, made to break the bones of the person tossed inside so they died faster and stopped being a problem, you know, with all the whining. But an Oubliette where people had to willingly jump inside and kept them alive forever? What the actual hell? What happens when it gets crowded inside? And could the people in there talk to those outside?

With the addition of the mirror, the combo becomes a fifteen. It shows you the best and worst outcomes of a choice you didn't take in the past. It was intended to guilt trip people so badly they would jump into the Oubliette. Then what? Why have people ruin their lives like that? Who was really profiting from that? Because right now, the damned 100 Experience points per customer, I mean, victim, seemed quite shitty.

Moving on. The Stairway to Heaven and the Pit to Hell. This thing will get you either way. Attempt to climb and you are gone. No matter what. Up or down, it didn't matter at all for those here in the mortal plane. And I bet most of the "climbers" would end up slipping on their own hubris.

Also, what a tool for group suicide. We all know that human brains melt into goo when in a crowd. I can imagine that.

"Grab your pitchfork, Jeffrey, we're going on a witch hunt," said the mob on Jeffrey the Squash Farmer's door one night.

The mob went on, with torches and farming implements, and stopped at the doorstep of a young lass whose only sin was to look too attractive. Gasp, my early XXI century sensitivities! They grabbed themselves a "witch" that surely is one because Karen Smith, the tanner's wife can't stop rambling about how wicked she was sashaying with those fertile hips around town.

Off to the pit of hell, they went. The young woman pleaded and begged but the bloodthirsty crowd heard nothing. She was an outsider and they were completely in stranger danger mode. They reached the pit and tossed her inside.

"Good riddance!" Shouted Karen Smith.

Then, the pit of hell rejected the young woman and instead sucked the pitchfork crowd. Even Jeffrey was gang-pressed and peer-pressured into joining. Boom. There goes the community. The lass then has no choice but to climb the staircase, gone from this world. Her sick mother, who moved into the countryside along with her daughter to treat her consumption, is without her caretaker now and dies.

And they were fucked ever after. The end.

Yeah. I think my scale from one to ten was quite conservative.

Now, the Pillory. You know, there's nothing more medieval than a good chipped tarnished pillory in the central square. Castles? Machicolations? MACHICOLATIONS! They were medieval but not exclusively medieval. Knights? Plate armor? Renaissance had them. Peasants farming on literal shit? That only ended in modern times, and not in all parts of the world. But I can't imagine one that can tell a time traveler they are in the medieval ages other than a good pillory.

At least the prisoner does their term and is let go. But then comes the wicked part. Mock the former pilloried (yeah, pillory is also a verb) guy, and BAM. There you go, enjoy your time out. Given how humans are good at gossiping and being prejudiced, you can see them lining up for their time at the Pillory. Yeah. At least only one person can stay there at a time. Should another earn themselves a ticket there, the artifact releases the previous victim. It's a never-ending cycle of humiliation.

What's next? Oh. The lover's gate. Yeah, I've seen the Anime too. Verdandi was the First Waifu. She defined the whole genre of "girl too good for the guy" anime. Now, it's right here, in my metaphorical hands (no actual ones). Why do people obsess with perfect love? Love is all about accepting the other person's fault and seeing the good parts in them. Why make people who were way over their heads with infatuation cross this damned gate and then, bang. A moment of doubt everyone in a relationship has but later hammers out and what they had is gone.

Fuck this shit.

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The Shoe Rack wins the least creepy shit award. Yeah, put on the shoes, swap bodies, and walk a mile in their shoes. Funny. Or find a person of another gender, tie the shoelaces, and have some fun with a gender-bender experience. Crossdressing tuned out to eleven, this is still a PG-13 novel. Then walk a bit to test your new clothes and go back to your old body. Enjoy the wisdom you acquired. Or just go, get a nice shoe, use it for a while, then go back and grab another shoe. Add some private booths for... private crossdressing sessions, and we're golden. I'll give this a two on the broken scale.

The lectern. Another trap for the proud and naive. It forces the truth out of the speaker. I can see people goading others into using it. There's no better way to demolish relationships other than the truth. But people can't be forced to stand there and give a speech. So its creepiness is rated a four out of ten.

The trove was a fat-ass treasure chest. Give everything up, reset your class, levels, and species, and go on a new life. Okay. What happens to the treasures sacrificed? They vanish. I wouldn't be surprised if some cosmic entity like a dragon made that chest just to get free treasure. But hey. Earning a new life and changing all your Classes and not starting from zero seems something quite nice to do. It is even less creepy than the shoe rack. This is a one.

Now, the Easel of dreams. As if artists needed any help losing their minds in their craft. Okay, I don't doubt that every painting that comes out of that cursed easel is a masterpiece. Let's make an art gallery, what's the harm in it. But read the last sentence. "A greater chance of using another fixture". This earns it a solid seven creeps and one trenchcoat stalker.

Last, the gallery. Do violence, give me some cha-chings. Kill someone, earn a magical mugshot and a trip to the Oubliette. What about the victim? Who cares?

I can only imagine the community where these Legendary fixtures were located would be completely wrecked.

Oh, the orb. Awakening stone. Give the kids some heads up, some bonus points, a Perk, and a Class choice at least (Rare)? What could possibly go wrong? I'll leave that question as an exercise. Hint. The bonus Class is "what the community needs" according to an artifact of a fucked-up collection. If everyone picks the bonus Class, what will it do to the people who live around this haunted place?

I think you got it already.

*

*

As one could guess, I didn't install this fucked up shit anywhere near Speranza. Or the Australian outback. As fucked as Earth was, it didn't deserve those things. I loathed giving up free Experience like that. I mean, I had more than 600,000 people in my Inner world. Every 240 uses of the "Legendary Fixtures" would give me a level. Even if only one in every four people used it, that would catapult me to... a very high level. Four hundred, at least, considering that some fixtures worked on couples only. Over some time? Yeah. Ultimate power at the cost of my humans.

I was glad I invested so much in Willpower. I showed this Legendary fuckup my best finger and made my choice.

Someone else could have it. I didn't care. "Take it away, System."

>Well, they can't say I tried. Very well. The higher-ups won't be happy but you do you. Here goes nothing.

> 13 Obsolete Traits were removed. You gained 65% Wisdom Efficiency.

Was it a test? Some sort of prank? Was this my personal Truman Show? Higher-ups? Was the Gray Alien middle management? Whatever. Comes easy, goes easy. The Wisdom boost was a welcome one.

I set this matter aside, calmed my seeds, and started working on designing my staff. The Staff of Power, I might say.

See the full description of all Status items here: /fiction/chapter/1084203 Name: Skip May Neming Species: Dungeon Core / Plant (Apple) Level: 180 Exp/ Level: 24,000 Main Class: God Dungeon (M) Effective Level (temporary): 180 Main Class: Protean Dungeon (L) Sub-Classes: Architect of Destruction (V) Artillery General (E) Biodiversity Warden (E) Computer Engineer (E) Electronic Apple Orchard (L) Fabricator-General (E) Mecha Pilot (E) Technopath (E) Techno-Wizard (E) Trismegistus Artificer (L) Valhalla Core (L) AttributesBase ScoreEfficiency | Square RootModified Score Intelligence (In) 5,292 240% + 21% | 117 13,812 Wisdom (Ws) 4,760 335% + 21% | 130 16,946 Willpower (Wp) 11,425 362% + 21% | 209 43,758 Clarity (Cl) 3,980 220% + 21% | 97 9,592 Hardness (Hd) 3,708 285% + 21% | 106 11,346 ResourcesBaseModifiersMaximum MP (Cl) - regen (Wp) 4,780 No-Ribbon upkeep: -366546/day 463268 ( 1729854 / day) * DM (Cl) 4,060 Crystallization points: 2812 1,171,373 SP (Wp) 4,060 Regen: 2,090/day 1,780,624 Materialization (Ws) 1,810 ---- 308,525 Armor sqrt(Hd): 106 ---- ( 91 / 75% ) Control (Wp) 1,990 ---- 872,769 Dungeon Domain: Personal: 4,82mi Beacon: 9,63mi Max Volume: 1,515.94cu.mi qDCSC link Distance: 176,28 miles DM/SP unused MP (1/15): 115,323/day