The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 7

Since Xie Cheng was already awake and Cao An was by his side, Lan Xi felt there was nothing for her to do here, so she could leave.

Although she went through the motions of being polite as the guidebook had instructed, Xie Cheng seemed eager for her to hurry up and go.

"The new employee team building isn't over yet. You don't need to stay here, hurry back and participate."

His expression did not look good; in fact, it was somewhat pale. This was when he needed someone to take care of him, yet his resolute tone of voice made Lan Xi involuntarily feel, for the first time, the unknown gentleness of earth men—

As the boss, it seemed Xie Cheng was also considerate of his subordinates. At such an extraordinary time, he could thoughtfully allow his subordinate to go back and freely participate in the icebreaker party, to eat, drink and have fun, rather than relying on his authority as the boss to keep his subordinate by his side taking care of him.

On her way hurrying back to the icebreaker party, Lan Xi felt a rare sense of responsibility well up in her heart.

Although Xie Cheng was weak in physique and frail in body, as delicate as a tender flower, Lan Xi decided she would make one more attempt to save him.

As a princess, she would condescend to assist him a little, to help make him a qualified successor of Cheng'an Group.

But when she happily rushed back to the private room and told everyone that Xie Cheng only had a minor concussion, they all revealed looks of shock.

Lan Xi suspected nothing. She sat down and continued eating, drinking and having fun. She did not notice that her male colleagues had changed from crowding around her eagerly to scattering about whispering privately and looking at her with solemn respect.

In the end, Liang Di could not stand it anymore. "Lan Xi, with Xie Cheng in this state, that blow you gave him probably can't be unrelated. After all, he's your boss. You just came straight back here like this?"

"He told me to come back."

Liang Di rolled her eyes. "You're really an office newbie. When the boss says something like that, you just listen that easily? At times like this, you should be even more attentive, waiting on him hand and foot! Otherwise if he holds a grudge, how will you get by in the future?"

"Listen, other than during working hours and lunch break, you should go to his sickbed as much as possible to show concern and ask after his health. Buy him some fruit, flowers, peel an apple for him, pour a glass of hot water for him, show your care. At the very least you can't offend the boss. You have to learn how to please him!"

Liang Di urged earnestly, "It's too late today, but remember you definitely have to go tomorrow!"

Lan Xi thought it over for a few seconds and decided to follow Liang Di's advice. After all, she was Xie Cheng's sister, so she must understand Xie Cheng better.

"Okay! I understand!"

Lan Xi nodded vigorously, taking Liang Di's instructions to heart.

**

Lying in the hospital bed, Xie Cheng's expression was blank as the shock still lingered for Cao An at his side.

"Just that one hit? And it caused a minor concussion? Is that reasonable?"

Of course it wasn't reasonable.

"From her resume I saw she was proficient in taekwondo, Muay Thai, wrestling, freestyle combat... I thought she just dabbled a little and embellished her resume. Could it really all be true?"

Xie Cheng's head hurt badly. He no longer wanted to scrutinize the credibility of Lan Xi's resume. He only hoped to quietly recuperate as the doctor instructed, staying as far away from this toxic assistant and huge bug in the system as possible.

Yet first thing in the morning, the bug came to report for duty herself—

"Boss Xie! How are you feeling?"

Xie Cheng frowned, just wanting her to leave, when he saw the toxic assistant pull a knife out of somewhere.

"..."

Just as Xie Cheng was highly vigilant, she casually dug an apple out of her pocket. "Let me peel an apple for you."

As her voice fell, Xie Cheng watched as she began to peel the apple with an excruciating amount of force.

Apple peel and large chunks of apple flesh fell away amidst the sounds of swishing knives.

Soon, only an apple core was left in her hand.

Lan Xi respectfully offered it to Xie Cheng—

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"Boss Xie! Please, go ahead and eat!"

"..." Xie Cheng felt Lan Xi must have been sent by Xie Jing to vex him to death.

Unfortunately, the perpetrator was unaware of Xie Cheng's thoughts.

Lan Xi only felt she had done well; she had learned to be adaptable like the earth people—although Xie Cheng told her not to come, she understood she should listen to the actual decision maker, following Liang Di's wishes by coming to Xie Cheng's hospital room to report for duty first thing in the morning.

Although he said not to come with his mouth, his body's honesty was evident. Why else would Xie Cheng stare at the apple she had peeled with such shock?

He must have been moved by her thoughtfulness.

Bet he didn't expect that she would still come to the hospital to take care of him!

"Why aren't you eating? You need to replenish your nutrition, or else you wouldn't get mildly concussed from just a light tap."

Lan Xi was very enthusiastic. "Here, drink some hot water! Drinking more water can accelerate your metabolism, which is good for your health!"

Unfortunately, she didn't know for some reason, Xie Cheng only gestured vaguely toward the table on the other side. He looked very wary. "Put it over there."

He had Lan Xi place the hot water as far away from him as possible.

Liang Di said a competent subordinate should be able to make the boss smile all the time.

But with Xie Cheng's current expression, Lan Xi felt he seemed to have gotten worse. After all, his face wasn't this dark when she first entered the hospital room.

She had to get him to smile.

Lan Xi recalled the guidebook saying all earth people liked flattery. She had come prepared, having memorized several passages of praise for bosses from the internet last night.

She cleared her throat and ignored Xie Cheng's cold gaze—

"Boss Xie, I'm a lucky person to have someone lead me forward, someone to tolerate my mistakes, someone to give me money to spend, someone to light my path, someone to care for me. And this person is you. My most esteemed boss! The beacon in my life's darkness..."

Having come to Earth for only a short time, Lan Xi was not yet thoroughly familiar with many words and phrases. She remembered the original text referring to some kind of lamp in the darkness, but when it came time to speak, she had completely forgotten what lamp it was.

What kind of important lamp was there on Earth?

Xie Cheng was watching her intently.

Think hard... what important lamps did Earth have...

Suddenly, inspiration struck Lan Xi. Her eyes lit up as she continued fervently, "The traffic light in my life's darkness!"

Xie Cheng's expression looked very calm, extremely calm.

There was no surprise or shock at all. It was as if he was used to this.

Lan Xi breathed a sigh of relief. Looks like she had guessed right. It must have been traffic light after all.

Just as she was about to continue, Xie Cheng spoke expressionlessly, "If I'm the traffic light in your life, I'll make sure to only give you red lights for the rest of my life."

"..." Now Lan Xi remembered.

She hurriedly corrected herself, "I memorized it wrong! Wrong version, it's beacon! Boss Xie, please go by the beacon version!"

Xie Cheng gave her a cold look. He slowly drawled in a mocking tone, "Oh, so you were reciting something you memorized. You're quite diligent."

Of course she was diligent! Looks like she had the boss's approval! She had memorized other things too!

Lan Xi cleared her throat again and continued reciting, "Although you're over fifty, you're still hale and hearty, as robust as a lad in his thirties. Your youthful attitude often makes us feel insignificant by comparison! To be able to run the company so well in today's fiercely competitive times, it shows you become more distinguished as you age..."

"Get out."

"?" What was wrong with what she just recited?

Xie Cheng pressed his lips in a line, seemingly at his wits' end. "I'm not even thirty yet."

So that was it!

Still lacking an understanding of earthlings' ages, Lan Xi indicated she was grateful for the lesson, hoping to cover up her mistake. She racked her brains and decided to express her respect for Xie Cheng using even more flowery words. "Then Boss Xie, I was mistaken about your noble age, so you are... how old are you this year?"

"I'm twenty-eight this year. If you keep asking like this, looks like I'll be twenty-eight the year I die too."

...

**

It wasn't until Xie Cheng drove Lan Xi out on the pretext of asking her to run some errands that precious tranquility finally returned to the hospital room.

Xie Cheng was truly exasperated. He looked toward the similarly speechless Cao An. "What's wrong with her? Is she not quite right in the head?"

But it didn't seem suitable to say she was abnormal. After all, Xie Cheng had seen the data analysis Lan Xi did, which was efficient and professional. This assistant's intelligence was definitely not a problem, and far surpassed ordinary people...

Cao An thought for a moment before an idea suddenly struck him. "Could it be Asperger's, or she's on the autism spectrum?"

Those with Asperger's syndrome or certain types of autism can only understand the literal meaning of words, not the subtext. Some patients can display extraordinary focus and ability in certain areas, even to the point of genius, but have difficulty communicating and interacting with others. They often use stiff, disjointed language when trying to convey their thoughts and desires, with frequent tangents and abnormal behaviors...

Thinking about it, Lan Xi's symptoms seem to correspond quite well.

"It's easy to understand why she wasn't diagnosed. Her resume said she was from a remote mountain village where even getting an education was a luxury. No one would have thought to take a child who was so focused on studying to see a doctor..."

The more Cao An analyzed it, the more he was convinced this was the case. And being unable to understand subtext and context, plus coming from such a remote area, even if she attended university in the city, it would be difficult for a patient like her to build healthy interpersonal relationships. Not knowing the trendy language and memes prevalent online and in cities would also be completely normal.

"Should I take her to the hospital for an official diagnosis? Once she's confirmed, we can use her inability to adequately perform her current role as grounds to request a transfer. It would also conveniently get rid of this mole..."

Cao An felt his idea was pretty good. After all, he could see Xie Cheng was desperately trying to keep this new assistant at arm's length.

However, Xie Cheng's reply was unexpected:

"No need." Xie Cheng's voice was calm. He was the one who had urgently wanted Lan Xi to leave before, and now he was the one changing his mind. "Don't take her for an official diagnosis."

What's there to diagnose? With how she is, it's 100% certain. But still...

"She was able to pursue her education and career normally up until now. Her analytical and data processing abilities are far above average. This shows she still has the capacity to integrate into normal society. There's no need to exclude or discriminate against her just because she has Asperger's or autism. There's no need to take her for a diagnosis."

"If a company like ours that perfectly matches her professional skills directly rejects her and hinders her difficult integration into society, forcing her to become unable to support herself and a vulnerable group excluded from society, then she truly has no path forward in this society."

"So there's no need to treat her specially. Just treat her equally."

Although he said this, Xie Cheng rubbed his still aching head. He still felt a sense of impracticality. From the moment he first met Lan Xi, his initial reaction was that something was off about her. Now it turned out she really did have an illness...

Strangely though, finding out Lan Xi was ill reassured Xie Cheng.

Her bizarre behavioral patterns finally had logical reasoning behind them—she was an autism patient, someone with social disabilities, who had her own set of behavioral rules. Her actions couldn't be deduced using normal social algorithms. They followed another set of logical algorithms.

"So we'll keep her on as an assistant?"

"Keep her, yes, but no need to keep her close by." Xie Cheng shuddered remembering what had happened. "Although she has mental illness and simple thinking, her limbs are very developed. I can't let her punch me again, or I really will die at twenty-eight."

Cao An suddenly understood: "So that's why you transferred all the leftover data analysis work from the company to her. That allows her to fully utilize her skills, since she's very adept at data analysis work, and also keeps her busy so she doesn't keep hovering around you."

"Mm."

Cao An was quite gratified and relieved. "Boss Xie, now I can rest assured. Looks like a minor concussion really doesn't affect intelligence. You're still thinking strategically ahead."

"...It doesn't affect intelligence, but it affects lifespan."

**

Lan Xi completed the hospital visit and show of support to Xie Cheng as Liang Di had instructed. She felt everything had gone very smoothly. Clearly she had obtained Xie Cheng's approval, since he had eagerly assigned her a pile of work tasks for her to hurry back to the company and focus on.

But just as she returned to the company, ready to devote herself wholeheartedly, Wang Zhiqiang rushed over in a panic.

"My princess! What's going on? I heard you gave Xie Cheng a minor concussion! Is this true?"

Lan Xi was quite frank: "He did get a concussion, but I didn't hit him. I just flicked him a bit. I didn't know Earth people were so fragile."

When Wang Zhiqiang heard this, his vision practically went dark: "How could you flick someone with your strength?! On Earth, Xie Cheng could pursue legal liability against you for behavior like this!"

Wang Zhiqiang's life on Earth these years had been comfortable and he had integrated in smoothly. He had long forgotten the sense of mission he had as an alien.

But incompetence didn't mean he could just ignore the princess from his planet and let her run wild. At the very least he had to make sure she was clothed and fed without causing havoc, and ensure her personal safety!

If the people from their home planet came to retrieve the princess and discovered she had been imprisoned, Wang Zhiqiang's comfortable life would be over too!

Yet the princess Lan Xi was utterly convinced of her own righteousness: "No he won't pursue me legally. On the contrary, he really admires me." Lan Xi gestured. "He assigned me this huge stack of materials and entrusted me with important responsibilities!"

In Wang Zhiqiang's eyes, that huge stack of materials was clearly not entrusting important responsibilities. It was blatantly an attempt to overwhelm her with workload, exhaust her, and squeeze her out! Only a born princess like Lan Xi would be complacently convinced she was being valued.

She waved to Wang Zhiqiang, "If there's nothing else, I'm going to get back to work!"

This wouldn't do!

Wang Zhiqiang hurriedly blocked Lan Xi's way. "Princess, look at the time! And you still want to work?"

"Nothing can obstruct me from completing my mission of conquering Earth!" Lan Xi declared stubbornly. "Didn't you say I had to get a job first in order to become top of the food chain? That working was the means to conquer Earth?"

Of course those were just excuses Wang Zhiqiang had used to placate Lan Xi and prevent her from making trouble. He had only arranged a unimportant back office job for her to keep her settled and not cause issues. He couldn't have expected these variables to crop up.

Earth's workplace culture really was obscure and complex. Even Wang Zhiqiang, who had work experience on Planet Mu Yi, still took nearly three years after arriving on Earth to barely grasp all the unspoken rules of Earth's workplace and vaguely understand the subtle undercurrents in interpersonal relationships. He didn't know how to explain it to Lan Xi, who had just arrived and never worked a day in her life.

No time to explain further. He would have to simplify and be blunt.

Wang Zhiqiang steeled himself and decided to patch things up: "Princess, I forgot to explain this properly last time. Working can help you become top of the food chain, but working is just a means to an end. Conquering your boss is the ultimate goal!"

Lan Xi immediately seized on the key point of Wang Zhiqiang's words: "So in the end, to conquer Earth I have to conquer Xie Cheng first?"

"Ye—yeah, something like that." Wang Zhiqiang spoke haltingly, mouth dry. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, many people impress their bosses with outstanding work performance, gaining the boss's admiration, and thereby conquering the boss. But just heads-down hard work doesn't necessarily lead to a good outcome in the end. So don't just focus on the tasks at hand. Keep your eyes and ears open, learn and practice more skills, handle things comprehensively, and maintain a good relationship with your boss..."

Lan Xi understood.

So that was it.

She felt somewhat vexed, internally blaming Wang Zhiqiang for not saying this clearly from the start.

If he had said earlier that working was just a means to an end and conquering Xie Cheng was the ultimate goal, then why did she have to take such a roundabout approach? Rather than properly working, wouldn't it have been better to directly conquer Xie Cheng in one go? Beating around the bush was such a waste of time!

Oblivious to Lan Xi's thoughts, Wang Zhiqiang anxiously glanced at his phone: "Princess, I have a flight to catch soon. When I get back from this business trip I'll explain properly. In the meantime if you don't understand something, search for keywords online. There are lots of guides and tips online that you can follow. Let me know if you have any questions!"

One good thing about Earth was the advanced internet. There was information everywhere about workplace strategies and experiences, especially tips on impressing your boss. He would first let Lan Xi learn and digest on her own. If she had any questions he could resolve them later. This was more efficient.

"In addition, if you have offended Xie Cheng, hurry up and flatter his guanxi people so they'll put in a good word for you in front of Xie Cheng. That could help ease the tension between you two! Who are the guanxi people there? Do you understand?"

"I understand, I understand! Don't worry! I'll do everything you say!"

Wang Zhiqiang assured Lan Xi emphatically before leaving reluctantly.

Flattering Liang Di well, Lan Xi felt assured she would have no issues because she had already been doing that -

Last time when Wan Yan tried to push her dirty work onto Liang Di, Lan Xi stepped up and pushed it all back to Wan Yan. The time before last when Liang Di and Wan Yan wore clashing outfits, Wan Yan mocked Liang Di, and Lan Xi immediately jumped to Liang Di's defense, lavishly praising how good Liang Di looked. When Liang Di had work she couldn't finish, Lan Xi exerted herself fully to voluntarily help her. But when Wan Yan had work she couldn't finish, Lan Xi turned a blind eye!

She had tried so hard that this guanxi person Liang Di would definitely put in a good word for her with Xie Cheng!

As for how to win over Xie Cheng...

Lan Xi readily went online after Wang Zhiqiang left.

She solemnly typed the keywords into the search bar:

"How to win over earthling males"

Sure enough, in a few seconds "Teach you how to win over men in minutes", "Learn these five moves to easily win over men", "Follow Teacher Ye and there's no man you can't win over", "How to win over handsome young men" and other assorted titles popped up...

Wang Zhiqiang's words were no exaggeration! His enemy intelligence was accurate and timely!

This was no longer something a memorial service could reward. When he died in the future he would have to be posthumously awarded martyr status!

Lan Xi was filled with surging passion. It was time to directly win over Xie Cheng single-handedly!

Author's note: Wang Zhiqiang: Have you learned it yet, princess?

Lan Xi: Learned it, learned it all!