The Perfect Run

Ryan picked up two ladies in Rust Town, with a skeletal zombie chained to his car hood.

“Seriously?” Ryan asked his girlfriend with skeptical eyes. While Fortuna came to the mission with her sensual, white-latex catsuit, Livia brought a pair of jeans and a blue hoodie. “I’m not letting you in.”

“I’m sorry, it’s the only practical clothing I could grab in an hour,” Livia apologized. Ryan’s loops began while she was having a girl’s day out with Fortuna, and although it allowed the two to slip away from the Augusti undetected in spite of Geist’s sudden disappearance, it didn’t give them enough time to find the perfect outfit. “But it’s cotton!”

“Passable,” Ryan replied with a shrug, before reluctantly letting them in. The courier had come fully prepared, with the Fisty Brothers gauntlets and two submachine guns waiting on the front seat. He had even gotten the bowler hat out of storage, ready for war, and convinced Paulie to hand over his secret weapon.

It was amazing how much one could achieve in an hour with the perfect timing and little traffic.

Ryan would rather have more time to prepare, but they couldn’t wait any longer. Big Fat Adam was about to throw his captives into the meat-grinder any second now.

“Livy, you should have told me,” Fortuna said as she and Livia climbed at the back. “I had a back-up suit!”

“I know, but…” Her best friend responded with an awkward smile. “I find it a little indecent...”

“I-it’s not indecent, it’s gawking!” Fortuna complained with a blush, as Ryan drove through the district’s desolate streets. “And is that a real skeleton on the car hood?”

“Help!” Ghoul suddenly screamed at the car’s front, startling Fortuna. The Psycho had lost both his legs and hands, leaving only the head and rib cage chained below the windshield. “Help me, he’s mad! He’s mad!”

“Shush, my little astronaut,” Ryan said with a soft, gentle tone. It made the undead Psycho cower in fear. “Living people are talking.”

“Don’t worry, he deserves it,” Livia explained to Fortuna, before glancing at her boyfriend. “Felix and the others will arrive a few minutes after us.”

“Good, I can make a great first impression then.” Ryan smashed the accelerator, and aimed straight for the Junkyard. Ghoul screamed, as the district’s toxic wind battered his naked eyes.

“Felix is coming too?” Fortuna asked at the back, eminently curious. Since she acted as Livia’s bodyguard and trusted her best friend absolutely, she must have come without asking many questions. “He’s coming back to us?”

“No,” Livia replied, “but Ryan convinced him to make an effort and keep in touch.”

“You did?” Lucky Girl glanced at the handsome driver with renewed respect. “You know, I was about to say Livia was too good for you, but I take it back!”

“Thank you, thank you,” Ryan said, as he noticed the trash walls of the Junkyard appearing in the distance. “Where is my payment?”

“The ammo?” Fortuna gave Ryan a handful of pointed, arrow-shaped bullets. Ryan grabbed a gun while the Plymouth Fury drove by itself. “You’re in luck, the gunshop had some in stock! What did you need these bullets for?”

“Whale hunting,” Ryan replied, as he loaded the ammo in his gun and showcased it to his girlfriend. “Sixteen rounds, 9mm. It can quickly fire round after round without pause.”

“Hard question.” Livia gave him a playfullook. “Does it ever jam?”

“Never, nor does it overheat. It can keep pumping out rounds all night long.” Ryan gently caressed the tip of the barrel. “Though I often need help with the safety catch.”

“Good, I have a firm but gentle handle on these things,” his girlfriend said with a coy voice, as she grabbed the Fisty Brothers and put them on. “I could help with the... fingerwork.”

“Be gentle though,” Ryan warned, as he put his weapon inside his trench coat, right between the sleeping Plushie and the Bliss inhaler. “The barrel is one of a kind and the trigger is very sensitive. One wrong move, and it’ll fire too soon.”

“Are you talking about weapons or something else?” Fortuna asked, as red as a tomato.

“I have Paulie’s rocket launcher below your seat, if you want to try a heavier caliber,” Ryan said innocently. “I hope you’re open to new experiences, because your target is a she.”

Before Fortuna could protest, Len’s voice came out of the Chronoradio. “I’m in position, Riri.”

“What about Henriette and Eugène-Henry?” Ryan asked back, as they came into view of the Junkyard. Hills of trash and stacks of cars overshadowed a fence, shielded by the Reptilian and Gemini. Both observed the car approaching in confusion, while Ghoul screamed in terror.

“At the orphanage with Sarah.”

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Perfect.

“Ghoul?!” The Reptilian shouted upon recognizing his teammate, his reptilian eyes widening in terror.

In response, Ryan opened his window and pointed a finger at the US government’s secret lizardman master. “Witness me!”

Gemini’s light body instantly vanished in a flash of light, while the Reptilian narrowly managed to leap out of the way before the crazed driver could hit him. Ryan’s car smashed through the fence at full speed.

Ryan drove through the Junkyard’s labyrinth of trash walls like a conquered realm, ignoring the Psychos scavenging in the area. Mongrel glanced at the intruders from atop a rusted car, his teeth sinking into a living rat’s back.

Having grown to know the guy in previous loops, the sight filled Ryan with compassion. Mongrel truly didn’t deserve being turned into an animal, and the courier would make sure to help him take his life back.

Instead of attacking, Ryan tossed grenades behind him to collapse some of the trash walls and disrupt ground-based reinforcements. His own would come from above anyway.

By the time someone sounded the alarm and the sound of bells echoed in the Junkyard, Ryan’s group was almost in view of the bunker’s entrance. The driver sensed the heavy gaze of the Land on him, and a quake sent debris falling on his car. Having lived through this situation multiple times, the time traveler easily zigzagged around the improvised projectiles.

When Ryan reached the Junkyard’s landmark trash tower and the tunnel leading to the bunker, he noticed two shadows flying in the skies above. Two would-be heroes, floating on glass surfboards.

Unfortunately, toxic clouds already formed above the Junkyard, as Acid Rain and Mosquito moved to protect the tunnel’s entrance. “Thieves!” the former snarled as she drew knives. Much like Mongrel before her, the sight of her maddened expression made Ryan pity her. “Thie—”

“Blondie, shoot!” The courier shouted, as he veered his car to the left. “Shoot the other blonde! Double blondie!”

“Alright!” Fortuna opened the car’s door mid-motion and leaped out of it, Paulie’s rocket launcher in hand. She pressed the trigger before she even landed on her feet, aiming for Acid Rain.

The surprised Psycho took a step back as a rocket with a smiley face painted on the tip flew straight at her. She immediately teleported above a trash wall as an acid drizzle started raining down from the toxic clouds above. It helped little, for the Genius-tech missile followed and forced her to retreat; it would take minutes for the projectile to run out of fuel, keeping Acid Rain occupied.

Mosquito, meanwhile, extended his wings and rushed at the Plymouth Fury with a fist raised. He only noticed the shadow above him all too late, a black and white angel of death and destruction.

Timmy had leaped from his glass surfboard, and transformed mid-flight.

“FLYING PRESS!”

The gracefully landed on Mosquito like a fly swatter, and buried him alive beneath pounds of fur and fat.

Felix’s landing was far more gracious, as his glass surfboard landed in the middle of the courtyard. Ryan parked his Plymouth Fury right next to it, stepping out of the car alongside Livia with grace and dignity.

“Felix!” Fortuna rejoiced at her brother’s presence, tossing the empty rocket launcher away. Livia handed her best friend a submachine gun as a replacement, while Ryan claimed the other for himself.

“You know, sis, I always wondered how a team-up would go,” Atom Cat replied, before noticing Mongrel leaping into view atop a trash wall. The maddened Psycho summoned a fireball into his hand.

“Remember, kitten, no lethal force,” Ryan said. “Stick to pebbles!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got this,” he replied before grabbing empty tin cans from the trash walls, turning them into bombs, and tossing them at Mongrel. His projectiles and the Psycho’s hit each other in the air, sparking a devastating blast.

Unfortunately, the explosion caused a weakened trash wall to collapse on itself and cast a rain of debris on Fortuna, the and Mosquito. Felix’s eyes immediately widened in panic, as he realized his screw-up. “Sis!” he shouted as loudly as he could. “Sis!”

While Timmy managed to drag his unconscious enemy out of danger, Lucky Girl was too close to dodge. She looked at the collapsing debris with shock, as her power somehow failed to deflect them.

Ryan almost froze time and rushed to her rescue, before noticing Livia smiling.

A second later, an invisible force grabbed the living lottery ticket, carrying her above the ground and to safety.

By now, Ryan should have known better.

“We’ll take it from here, Quicksave,” Shroud declared as he became visible, holding a blushing Fortuna in his arms bridal style. And her power didn’t even need to force his hand this time around! “Clean-up the nest.”

Felix didn’t hide his relief. “Thanks,” he said to Mathias, before focusing back on Mongrel.

His sister’s reaction was far less refined. “Felix, you screw-up, you almost dirtied my clothes!” she complained, shouting so loudly that Shroud winced. “I will strangle you if the mutants don’t kill you first!”

“I would suggest drowning him, he doesn’t like being wet,” Ryan replied, as he and Livia moved into the shaking tunnel. Before he abandoned the surface, the courier gave the situation a cursory glance.

These events were so familiar, yet different. A scenario honed through multiple repetitions, built upon information he had collected over many loops, executed by allies he had gathered on his journey. After so long, it was all coming together.

And yet he immediately noticed something utterly new. Something he never imagined would happen, except in his wildest dreams.

His Plymouth Fury…

His Plymouth Fury hadn’t taken any damage!

“It’s a holy sign,” Ryan muttered to himself with religious awe.

“And if we do our part right, it will make it through the day intact,” Livia said with a grin.

Perfect Run confirmed!

The couple rushed into the tunnel while its walls trembled, the Land attempting to collapse them. The duo quickly reached the bunker’s black door entrance and faced a pack of four Dynamis drones.

“I take the left, you take the righ—” Ryan asked his girlfriend, before sensing a chill down his sp—

When Ryan regained consciousness, the couple was walking through the blast doors while leaving four wrecked bots in their wake.

“You were saying?” Livia asked, teasing him by caressing the Fisty Brothers.

“You’re greedy, Miss Augusti,” Ryan complained, as the tunnel collapsed behind them.

“Greedy, me?” She replied with a smirk, as they entered the metal corridor leading to the bunker’s main hall. “You are the one keeping the best stuff for yourself!”

“And here I was preparing you a big surprise…” Ryan glanced through the reinforced windows to the hangars beyond, and at Psyshock’s thralls toiling on Mechron’s mech and submarine. He noticed Len’s armored head peeking over the waters linking the underground complex to the sea outside, and waved at her through the reinforced glass.

“A surprise, Mr. Romano?” Livia asked, suddenly interested. “I love surprises.”

“For the Dynamis date, princess,” Ryan said, as Len suddenly emerged from the waters and attacked the thralls with her bubble rifle. “The Dynamis date.”

“I can’t wait,” she said, as they entered the bunker’s recreational area. Much like in Ryan’s suicide run, six Psychos occupied the room. Sarin, the liquid Ink Machine, and the faceless Incognito played pool alongside the sickly white, bald Pale Guy. Rakshasa played Street Fighter on the room’s arcade, while a disembodied Asian woman’s head floated behind the bar counter. Ryan remembered her name as the dreaded Fuckface.

Sarin hit a ball with a cue stick, before looking up at the newcomers. She didn’t say a word, and for a brief instant, the courier worried that the transfer hadn’t worked.

Thankfully, they had agreed on a secret code to test that out.

“The fart is in the toilet,” Ryan said, before clocking his submachine gun. “I repeat, the fart is in the toile—”

“I heard you for the first time, jackass.” Bianca let out a sigh as she put her cue stick aside. “Took you long enough.”

“You know these guys, Sarin?” Ink Machine asked, falsely reassured by her teammate’s casualness. “They’re new recruits?”

“The new management,” Bianca replied, before suddenly pointing her vibrating gauntlets at both Ink Machine and Rakshasa. She blasted them both by surprise, turning the former into a puddle and blasting the latter headfirst into the arcade.

“Bianca, you heartless monster!” Ryan mourned the arcade game, before opening fire at the other Psychos. Though he was careful not to kill any of them, he didn’t even manage to wound them. Incognito dived behind the pool table for protection, while Fuckface materialized crimson arms of energy to deflect the bullets. Pale Guy simply dodged, but Livia quickly moved to engage him in melee.

“Sarin, you traitor!” Fuckface snarled from behind the counter. “Incognito, call Frank!”

Incognito hastily rushed towards the elevator, but Ryan quickly shot him in the knees with his submachine gun. The Meta-Gang member collapsed on the ground with bloodied legs, writhing in pain.

“Sorry, you’ll live,” Ryan apologized to the faceless Psycho, before turning his submachine gun at the bar counter. “We meet again, Fuckface! Won’t say I missed you though.”

“That’s not my name!” the floating head complained, before spitting a stream of acid at the time-traveler.

Ryan frowned behind his mask as he froze time and dodged. Her name was… it was...

Wait, she was right! The courier had nicknamed her Fuckface on his first suicide run and never bothered to look deeper afterward. Pale Guy too, now that he thought of it. They hadn’t survived their group’s civil war either during his Meta-Gang run, so he never got to know them in-depth either.

“No way, I never learned these two mooks’ names!” Ryan complained as time resumed. By then, he had closed the gap with Fuckface, tossed his submachine gun aside, and grabbed her by the hair. Before the Psycho could retaliate with her energy arms, the courier violently smashed her head against the bar counter with enough force to splinter it, knocking her unconscious. Her energy tentacles vanished into Red Flux particles. “Bianca, what are these redshirts called?”

“Does it matter, nerd?” Bianca asked, as she started targeting Pale Guy. The Psycho dodged her blast, but Livia exploited the opportunity to flank him from another direction. Repeated attacks from multiple fronts quickly pushed him back against a corner.

“Yes it does,” Ryan said, as he stepped over a bloodied Incognito and an unconscious Rakshasa. “I’m a completionist.”

"Catcher and Penanggalan," Livia replied as she finally managed to hit Pale Guy in the chest with Fisty. The blow sent the Psycho hitting the nearest wall, knocking him out of the fight.

Pfft, Fuckface sounded better. Ryan would make changing her name a top priority, when he took back his office of the Meta-Gang’s president for life. Still, the courier could now carry on his Perfect Run with a clear conscience and moved towards the elevator.

“Alright, can you drag these guys to Shortie for safekeeping?” Ryan asked his teammates, with the same tone as someone running through a shopping list. “And help her with the thralls outside? There’s a lot of them.”

“Sure, but don’t take too long downstairs,” Livia said while dragging the dizzied Fuckface away. Bianca, meanwhile, kept Ink Machine trapped in puddle form with weak vibrations. “I want to invite everyone afterward to celebrate, and the restaurant closes early. Also, Dad will start worrying now that Geist is gone.”

“Thai, or French?” Ryan asked before pushing the lift’s button, knowing that she disliked Japanese food.

“Russian, to try something new!” His girlfriend replied right as the elevator’s doors closed.

Oh well, at least Shortie would like it.

The lift reached its destination, and Ryan quickly made his way through the bunker’s hub room and metal corridor. He hastily reached the infirmary, and found Psyshock brainwashing two Rust Town addicts strapped to operation tables. He raised his head at Ryan, while the courier’s hand reached out for the Bliss inhaler hidden beneath his trench coat.

“Little Cesare.” Pyshock didn’t show any fear at the sudden intrusion, overconfident in his immortality. “How strange to—”

Ryan froze time and applied the inhaler to his hated foe’s face right before the clock resumed.

“Don’t worry, Psypsy,” Ryan taunted Psyshock, before activating the inhaler. “This… is not meth.”

The surprised Psycho’s tentacles trashed around as Bliss spread through his nervous system, but Ryan held strong. Psyshock’s energy quickly left him as the overdose paralyzed his brain, and the psychotic metal squid collapsed on the ground. The courier gave him a quick kick, before hiding the Bliss inhaler in a pocket.

“Agent Frank!” Ryan called out, knowing the metal giant was waiting a few rooms away. That was how Psyshock had sicced him on the courier halfway through the first suicide run. “Agent Frank, hurry! Russian agents poisoned the VP with Soviet caviar!”

The colossal giant of steel came rushing inside the infirmary, to find a maskless Ryan holding the drugged Psyshock in his arms, crocodile tears running down his cheeks.

“Agent Frank, US secret service!” The giant threatened Ryan with a raised fist. “Identify yourself!”

“Ryan Romano, CIA!” Ryan sobbed. “We survived Pearl Harbor together! Us and Sergeant Arch Dornan! Don’t you remember the boat, Agent Frank? The boat?”

A confused Frank the Mad waved an index finger at Ryan, as he remembered a day that never happened. “You were the Private! The Private on the boat!”

Thank God Livia predicted how to get inside his head. “You saved my life, Agent Frank, and today, I pay my debt.” Ryan wiped away his false tears. “I did all I could to save him, but the air… the communists poisoned even the air, Agent Frank!”

“I knew they put something in the airplanes!” Frank immediately looked at the drooling Psyshock with a worried gaze. “What can we do?”

“I did all I could to save him, but this is a communist coup, Agent Frank. They’re trying to destroy the government!”

Only now did Agent Frank understand the true threat their democracy faced. “The President is down there!” The giant panicked. “We must secure his safety!”

“No, Agent Frank, not we. It’s a suicide mission.” Ryan delicately gave the drooling Psyshock to Frank, who held him in his arms like a secret treasure. “I will do it. You stay here and protect the Vice-President from a Russian counterattack, until Agent Sarin comes back with medical help.”

“The US Secret Service does not—”

“Democracy can only survive if…” Ryan cleared his throat, his voice as heavy as a soldier marching to certain death. “If you live, Agent Frank. If the President dies, the Vice-President… the Vice-Presidency must endure. Do you understand this, Agent Frank?”

Ryan let out a long, long sigh, as he put his mask and bowler hat on. “Let me die for my country,” he pleaded, before adjusting his hat, “as a hero.”

“I understand,” Frank the Mad Lad replied, before offering Ryan a military salute with one hand while holding Psyshock in the other. “Semper Fi.”

“Semper Fi.” Ryan returned the salute, before walking out of the infirmary with a heavy heart.

There. According to Livia, if dealt in that way, Frank would follow orders and remain in the infirmary until the group could secure the rest of the bunker.

So far the Meta-Gang’s rout was total, but the main course waited a few rooms ahead.

Leaving the neutralized Frank and Psyshock behind, Ryan continued deeper into the complex and reached a familiar underground chamber. Seven knockoff Elixir vats were lined up on a nearby wall, half of them occupied by mutated test subjects. One of the chamber’s two blast doors was opened, and the courier heard footsteps echo from this direction.

“You know, since I’ve been in New Rome, I’ve fought aliens, Psychos, and power-mad Genomes, and few left a big impression.” Ryan grabbed his Beretta, as his foe stepped out of the darkness. “But you, fatass? Your shadow cast a heavy presence.”

Augustus was stronger and Fallout more determined, but the Meta-Gang’s leader was shrewder, crueler, and in the end, more dangerous.

That was why he had to die first.

“What can I say, mate? I’ve hurt lots of people, and today will be an all-you-can-eat-buffet.” Adam the Ogre emerged from the shadow with a hand behind his back, his carbon skin as black as his soul, the grin on his face vicious and cruel. “But gotta say… I’ve never tasted a fellow Violet before.”

“Make that last loop count, Bibendum,” Ryan said, as he raised his gun. “You won’t get another.”