There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Chapter 214: Fist and Shield

Serma could see the blade coming in fast from underneath, the tip glinting. Despite seeing it, Serma's body felt as fluid as rusty iron. Her movements barely let her step to one side as the spider-centaur-queen easily stepped forward on her many legs and redirected the slash as if she were dancing.

Serma's blade vibrated harshly as she raised it in a sloppy guard, sending her skidding back.

The spider - Deo had mentioned she was called 'Muffet' - pressed in with playful jabs and in the flashes of the blade, Serma saw her father's training yard where he chewed her out for failing, mishandling a basic feint-and-counter maneuver that her sisters had mastered years ago.

Serma hated how her eyes stung more than the ache in her arms from the continuous guarding.

"You're doing great!" Mas yelled and Serma nearly walked right into Muffet's blade in sheer surprise.

Muffet spun, perhaps wondering if Serma had a plan, dancing away.

"I've got this," Serma told herself, trying to steady her blade. Her father's voice slipped into her mind.

'Eyes forward, Verluan do not back down. Charge and control the battle!' he snapped and Serma's feet moved, her sword glowing slightly as she thrust it forward, letting the momentum carry her across the room as she used her cloth magic to turn the soles of her shoes to a frictionless smooth surface, banishing any creases.

With a slam of her two front legs, Muffet caught Serma's blade in a tight slap of her strength, halting her thrust dead in its tracks. The monstrous spider face leaned in close and Serma felt the urge to scurry into a hole rise up.

'A Verluan's sword is his symbol. Lose it and die' her father continued to instruct and Serma wrenched at the sword in a near panicked flurry. Muffet released the sword and Serma tumbled back in a tumble, landing as her sword clattered to the ground in front of her.

Serma reached for the sword but slowed, until her fingers hover over it.

'I'm dead,' she remembered. She expected to look up and see that utter disappointment in the dark eyes.

"Kick her shins!" Deo cried in support of his team.

"I know you can do better, I believe in you!" Kemy called out as well with a wave of her hands.

"I made a bet with the spider cohort here. You're going to need to last another ten minutes easily," Yattina said casually from where she sat in the corner, covered in webs and with spiders waving betting tickets. Serma stared at them.

But she was dead... useless?

"Get out of your own head and get in your heart!" Mas said, looking her right in her eyes and those earnest idiotic eyes seemed to radiate light.

"Idiot, how dare you order your queen about," Serma said with a sigh as she got to her knees and reached out. They were all so bright and kind and-

"I actually bet on Muffet," Grim admitted to Deo who gasped in horror.

Oh, that little piece of…

He dares? Serma would make him bleed so much cash he'd have a permanent piggy bank slot.

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Serma snatched a long weave of nearby sticky web and flung it back where it hung in the air like a gentle lace curtain. She rushed forward, slapping it against her sword before she twisted, letting her magic roam over the piece. As it shot forward the web hardened like stone, turning her sword into a messy spear.

She had never done magic on such a large connective piece but it felt oddly thrilling to be gambling it all. Muffet, seemingly willing to wait for Serma to get to her feet, moved quickly backwards, each thrust of the clumsily made spear causing sparks to fly off her sword as they touched.

With inhuman grace, Muffet danced up a wall, getting ready to push back when Serma let the magic fade, causing the web and sword to fall to the ground and Muffet to over-extend in a stumble.

"A Verluan is all the tools she has at her disposal!" she cried as she ran forward, more web wrapped around her wrist. Oddly, when she used her magic on it, Serma found the web hardened and also lost any adhesive properties it had.

It didn't matter once the web hardened around something but it was interesting to note.

Muffet caught her hardened glove with one leg, her sword arm in the other, and Serma may have miscalculated as Muffet clicked six other spider legs and two human arms.

Serma didn't have profound wisdom on how to out-limb a spider.

Her world twisted as Muffet turned Serma's momentum into a reverse hip throw, sending her flying across the room.

Who taught the spider martial arts?!

---

Ruli turned her hip and sent another Calc flying into a stall as twenty more seemed to appear from every town gate, inn, and convenient teleportation circle in the area. One stabbed her on the arm, the blade barely piercing her skin.

"Once I chant the ancient spell, a deadly poison will leak from this dagger! 'Sunatet Seib-'" the Calc's nasally voice was cut off as Ruli throat-punched him and he dropped like a nerdy fish.

"I cast fist," Ruli countered. She tossed another out of the way as they tried to use a deck of cards to launch familiars at her, tearing them up as she passed and causing the Calc to sink into despair. She pushed past two trying to use rings of telekinesis to hurl dull knives at her but Ruli simply ignored them as she made her way to Quiss.

The man was surrounded by fire, burning a mix of magical weapons and weaker spells as more Calcs threw themselves into the creature that reminded Ruli of Everland. That was bad enough, but now it was in her home.

She walked through Quiss' protective fire circle and felt rather toasty as she did so.

"What the hell can we do to shut that thing up? It's summoning more nerd slaves by the second and they'll be coming from out of town now," she called over the roaring flames as Quiss looked almost bored, if extremely annoyed.

So, his normal expression.

"You see it too? I've faced something like this before too. That one was a lot stronger," Quiss said, his voice the fire itself, his gruff tones the roar of the flames, his words the crackle of burning wood.

"Did you kill it?" Ruli called through the noise as Thomas Darkblade ranted about natural-somethings.

"I'm all natural, you prick!" she yelled back.

"I summoned a migrating Dark Drake Flight and it got stuck between here and the Abyss," Quiss admitted.

"Why are your ducks more impressive than your fu-" Ruli began to complain when she sensed a rush of air and she dragged Quiss down as the quality of magical weapons being tossed about like toys by the Calcs went from 'market stall scams' to 'worth pocket change'.

"Because, much like now... it's hard to perform my best when you shatter my hip bones in some attempt at helping me," Quiss wheezed as he landed under her.

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

"You didn't tell me," Ruli pointed out.

"I didn't want to stop," he admitted.

"Well, I'm going to need that energy now because that looked dangerous," Ruli commented as Thomas Darkblade tugged the air like a puppet master, collecting armor, glowing spears, a dozen rings, and more like he was magnetically charged.

The Calcs giving them up collapsed in exhaustion.

"I see now! The Demon Lady and her corrupted pet! You are my first challenge!" Thomas Darkblade decided with a laugh as he pointed and Ruli felt her body heat up as it grew redder, the beginning of her horns growing without her ability to stop it.

"What is this...?" Quiss said in disgust as his shirt opened as if being unbuttoned from the bottom up, revealing a normal stomach with a collection of scars and blond hair. Quiss could have had rippling abs, but he drank too much.

Ruli had rippling abs because she was amazing and went outside willingly.

"He's changing us," she said as she helped Quiss stand, feeling the urge to bare her teeth or kick a child who was being too noisy. These were normal feelings for her but it was weird they were being so noticeable right now.

"I shall challenge this great evil with my healer, tank, and range-DPS! I shall dispense loot as I see fit," Thomas Darkblade decided as three of the Calcs with more prominent gear moved forward in creepy sync.

"I think he wants your stick," Ruli muttered.

"He can pry it from my dead hands and even then I have a strong chance of becoming a pissed-off lich," Quiss said, eyes glowing in displeasure.

Just as Ruli was about to make a move, something stranger than anything happening today stepped in front of her.

"Let me help," Japes' weird little kid, Vas, said as he stood before Thomas Darkblade with a large bulbous pot on his head, holding a long wooden sword that looked like someone had quickly whittled it for the boy.

"Who dares side with evil?" Thomas Darkblade demanded, his dark features turning from handsome to bewildered then angry.

"The uhh..." Vas hesitated and Quiss rolled his eyes.

"Let the wizard handle names and I think I have an idea," he said before he stepped forward.

"Our champion, the once glorious hero, the Jarnished! His skill is legendary, no one has surpassed him and his sword... unbreakable," Quiss thundered, the force of magic crashing down and Vas let out a noise like a small mouse swooning at his crush.

Thomas Darkblade's eyes bugged out as if he needed a moment to even consider such a being.

"Quiss, why did you just aim the void-thing masquerading as an annoying adventurer at a child wearing a pot on his head?" Ruli asked politely.

"I thought it would be funny mostly," he admitted and Vas let out a cry as a high-grade weapon was flung at them, the wooden chipped sword flashing, splitting the golden blade into pieces with a single swipe.

"Also, there is a small chance that this reality warping power works backwards as well," Quiss added.

"What if he died just now?" Ruli said curiously.

"...but he didn't," Quiss responded succinctly.

Ruli guessed this was one of those things demonstrating what her mother said about men; 'Just smart enough to be useful, just stupid enough to kill themselves'.

"JARNISHED!" Thomas Darkblade roared and charged.

"Uh, you!" Vas said back with a flinch.

Ruli picked the kid up and swung him, and by proxy the unbreakable sword, into the throng of nerds vastly approaching dangerous levels that would make her skin oily or want her to study for fun.

Urgh.

---

'A Verluan-'

"Shut up!" Serma insisted as she dove forward, using long weaves of discarded web to make twin whips, cracking them hard in the air and causing Muffet to move carefully in for a counter. Serma dove again, grabbing her sword and as Muffet went in for a long strike along her side, she snapped the web into a big uneven mess on her other arm, hardening it and causing the sword to bounce off.

The weight on her arm, the comfort of the protection balanced with the power of the sword...

Serma felt 'right' as both sides of her body became looser to compensate for the weight.

Serma had never used a shield properly before. Her father had made them learn a dueling style befitting mock play in political games. 'Shields are for cowards who need to hide and run away from life's problems. I think you can be more than a coward,' her father said over dinner when she once asked.

"You're wrong," Serma whispered.

She charged, bouncing on her feet to cover distance and weave towards Muffet.

"Shields belong to the bravest! Those willing to face things head on!" she cried and slashed down, clashing with Muffet's blade, her hardening magic flicking over it for a moment.

She then shield-bashed Muffet's incoming arms, sending them back and she leapt once more, going for a heavy blow with her sword. Serma felt her face doing an odd motion, stretching back so her cheeks hurt as she hung in the air for a moment.

Muffet caught her before she could land, her beautiful blade resting at Serma's neck like a phantom that was barely visible.

"I haven't done a study, but jumping slashes scientifically aren't sound means of attacking," Yattina called out.

"Why not?" Deo blinked, looking disappointed.

"Air dodges belong to a level of warrior beyond us," Grim said solemnly.

"Not at all, you just jump and..." Kemy protested and lightly hopped, glowing for a moment and shifted a foot to the left without touching down.

"Now do it without your god lifting you by the arms like a child and swinging you about," Yattina challenged as Muffet put Serma down, nodding to her as if pleased to see something in the girl finally.

"...I don't want to," Kemy said, puffing out her cheeks in defiance.

Serma felt a bit foolish for thinking she had a win and was about to turn away but Muffet made sweeping motions, causing her sword to cut away at the delicious looking berry tree in the middle of the room. A few swipes later, Muffet held forward a roughly made shield covered in ivory webbing and berry bush leaves.

She leaned in close and Serma's eyes went wide as she spoke.

"You carry the failings of a weaker man like a prisoner does chains. Become as the spider and devour he who would tarnish your smile. Let the world rejoice as the princess emerges a queen," Muffet whispered, voice like a gentle breeze.

Serma was about to say something when Muffet went on.

'Also, web up that 'Mas' boy. Other spiders might use him for children and nourishment before you and that would be a loss,' she instructed.

Serma's face went pale then deep red as she fled from the spider, the shield stuck to her back as a gift.

What was with this dungeon?!