Transformation or Death

Chapter 25

The Meaning of Protection (3)

There is an interesting emotional quality in winter.

While it is commonly described as a season of hardship, there is a radiant hope that shines even brighter within that hardship.

It is the season when the stars are most clearly visible. During this time, the sky is abundant with bountiful fruit, unlike the barren earth below.

There are things that can be felt because of the coolness.

She was the same way.

She felt the cool body temperature again after a long time, and watched as it gradually warmed as it touched her own. Her cold hands and feet were not pushed away, but instead were embraced.

Jae-jung quietly contemplated this sensation.

His memories are missing, but his emotions are entangled.

Just as snow immediately melts when it comes into contact, the poignant emotions endlessly transformed into guilt.

“Jae-jung… Jae-jung… You’re alive… I’m so relieved…”

Blue Sirius tightened her arms around Jae-jung’s neck, expressing her relief. In her transformed state, she had considerable physical strength compared to a normal person. Even so, Blue Sirius skillfully controlled her strength so as not to burden the person she was embracing.

“…Blue Sirius…”

The name is unfamiliar on his tongue. The name ‘Seol-hwa’ was much more comfortable. Wasn’t she an object of his fandom? Why does he feel such close emotions towards her? Has he become obsessed with pseudo-romance? Even as he berated himself, he couldn’t completely discard the hypothesis that he is Jae-jung.

The memories of the time when he enjoyed this world through the media are faint and worn, but Jae-jung’s memories and emotions are gradually becoming clearer. What is the truth and what is the lie?

The dilemma he had been checking over and over since coming to this world. To resolve this, there was only one way.

“I’m sorry. I should have pretended not to know, but I do know. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry… I can’t do it…”

He needs to recover his memories.

Looking at Yoon Seol-hwa clinging to him with a distressed expression, he made a firm resolve. He had to find the answers not only for himself, but also for those who are clinging to the past of this body.

To do that, he had no choice but to defeat the villains and gather the stars, as the Belt had said.

‘The origin…’

He also had to find the answer to that form. With his current strength, he would only be able to run away when facing a greater enemy.

“Senior, you’re going to choke me to death at this rate.”

“Huh? Ah. Ah! I’m sorry, Jae-jung. Did it hurt a lot?”

“No… Not really…”

“…Honorifics.”

When he used honorifics, Blue Sirius’s distressed expression deepened even more.

“It doesn’t hurt.”

When he ended with an informal speech, her bright smile returned. Just glancing at her from the corner of his eye was enough for her beauty to easily catch his eye.

‘I’m getting dizzy.’

Her appearance before transformation was already considerable, but seeing her transformed appearance up close, it felt like he was welcoming a goddess rather than a human.

Even in this situation, he felt self-loathing towards himself for admiring her face. He had resolved not to get entangled, but that resolve was shaken by just a glance at her face. Jae-jung tightly closed his eyes.

“I couldn’t maintain the concept till the end after all…”

A clicking sound came from behind him. Concept? But he was serious. Jae-jung wanted to refute it immediately, but he held back. He didn’t want to accidentally raise the suspicions he had just dispelled.

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“I’m going back to search for the villain now. Have a pleasant time, you two.”

Pink Deneb got up from her seat, smiling contentedly. It seemed she was resuming her role of detecting the villain. Waving her hand lightly, Pink Deneb left the room, giving them time alone.

And so, only the two of them remained in the room. The one tormented by not being able to recall, and the one tormented by not being able to forget. Neither of them were in a normal state.

“It’s been a long time.”

“It’s not that long since we last saw each other, since it was after the hospital.”

“Honorifics…”

“It’s not that long.”

Blue Sirius released the arms that had been embracing him. They were able to look at each other closely. Her eyes were filled with traces of tears. It was easy to infer that she had cried a lot and suffered greatly.

In contrast, Jae-jung’s appearance evoked a sense of pitiful compassion. He looked haggard and emaciated. His face clearly showed the signs of his hardship.

“….”

“….”

As is typical between former lovers, the awkwardness in the room grew as time passed. They almost wanted to call back Pink Deneb, who had left.  The two could estimate each other’s pain just by looking at each other’s faces.

“So… How have you been lately?”

It was a conversation topic like a father talking to his awkward teenage son.

“You can tell just by looking at my face, can’t you?”

“I mean, why…”

Clearly, money was still being deposited into the dating account every month.

‘…You haven’t used it.’

Blue Sirius was able to quickly come to that conclusion. Because the moment you receive that money, it becomes a debt. It’s because the relationship is still connected materially. To completely cut it off, it’s a past he doesn’t want to look back on anymore.

That’s why he hasn’t used it.

Her depression intensified.

“There have just been a lot of things happening.”

There had indeed been many things happening. Jae-jung sighed, thinking about the memories of the past week that gave him a headache just to recall.

Blue Sirius flinched, thinking he had sighed just for her to hear.

“I-I’m sorry! Was I being a nuisance? I’ll leave right away. Sorry…”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Oh, it’s not?”

Blue Sirius’ expression brightened. Jae-jung regretted it. He should have just told her to leave.

“…Jae-jung.”

Blue Sirius grabbed the sleeve of Jae-jung’s shirt. Originally she had wanted to hold his hand, but that seemed too forward, so she settled for his sleeve. She was proud of her own self-restraint.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you back then…”

Jae-jung was puzzled by what she was talking about. Protect? When was that?

“When did you not protect me…”

He didn’t want to break the serious mood, but he was also a bit lost in the flow of the conversation.

Was it when he was beaten by the media just before their breakup, or was it the accident he had just experienced? More things were coming to mind than he expected. Who knows how many more there could be if he added the parts he couldn’t remember.

“Ah, I see. There were a lot, huh. I couldn’t protect you in many ways. Yeah, that’s right…”

Blue Sirius bowed her head dejectedly.

“I’m not mocking you, I really don’t know, that’s why I’m saying it…”

I really didn’t know.

“No… I know… It’s the proper assessment I deserve… I… *sniff*…”

“No, really, it’s not like that.”

Sensitive, isn’t she? Jae-jung was flustered.

“This time… I should have protected you better… I should have prioritized your safety over defeating the villain in front of me…”

Blue Sirius was regretting and blaming herself for her actions at that time.

She had been reckless. Intoxicated by rage, she had only thought about destroying the enemy in front of her. The duty of a magical girl is not only to defeat, but rescue should be the top priority. Blue Sirius gritted her teeth.

How dare you try to kill a person, let alone Han Jae-jung, right in front of me. It was an unforgivable act. Tearing apart the Libra or Aries would not have been enough.

Blue Sirius smiled gently at him, without revealing such a person in front of him.

“…Were you scared?”

I was scared. Scared that you would find out my identity. And scared that you would die in front of me.

Han Jae-jung refrained from saying what he wanted to say and listened carefully to Blue Sirius’s words.

“But I’ll make sure that never happens again.”

Blue Sirius slyly moved the hand that was grasping the sleeve to his hand. Grabbing it tightly, Blue Sirius recited words of relief.

“Jae-jung. I’m stronger than I thought. I might be able to fight on par with S-grade villains now. I became stronger because of you. That… there’s a famous villain of the Big Dipper, right? I won’t lose to that villain. I’ll kill them all.”

“Ah… I see.”

Was this a murder threat? Han Jae-jung swallowed his dry saliva.

‘In fact, they probably don’t know everything, right?’

Thinking like that made his spine tingle.

Unaware of his thoughts, Blue Sirius firmly held his hand and repeated her pledge.

“I’ll eliminate the villains so you can live in peace.”

It was like a prayer offered to the object of her veneration.

“No matter what happens, even if I lose my life, I’ll protect you.”

It was a heavy resolve. There was no exaggeration. It was not an overstatement. She was sincerely determined. As long as she could protect his life, even if it cost her own, that would be enough.

“Only you…”

A sin once committed does not disappear. The wound may heal, but the scar remains. He was a pitiful person, bitten and torn apart countless times just for being with her. It was an original sin that she had to bear.

Therefore, no matter what she went through, she had to take responsibility and atone for it.

It might be impossible, even if it took a lifetime. But she had to do it. That was Blue Sirius’s only lifeline. She herself had longed for this pain.

“I won’t go that far…”

“Jae-jung.”

Han Jae-jung could not understand that guilt. Anyone watching would think she was tormenting and trying to kill him. Where was her fault? The crime lies with the one who unleashed the violence, not with the one who struggled to stop the violence.

Why should she feel guilty? While those who carelessly kill people for their own purposes, or those who follow gossip to relieve their own pitiful inferiority complexes, or those who try to fill their insignificant moral superiority, have no feelings at all. Why does the one who made efforts and sacrifices feel guilty?

Is a life so easily risked? As living beings, shouldn’t we make the maximum effort to preserve life?

“I know you must be uncomfortable with me. No, I know even talking to you like this is a nuisance to you. But this one thing… Just understand this one thing.”

Of course, all magical girls are mentally ill. Han Jae-jung felt that realization once again.

“No matter what happens, I will remain your ally. No matter what kind of person you become, I will always be there to protect you.”

The hand tightly grasped was no longer cold, but warm.

The more he heard that determination, the more a sense of responsibility grew in Han Jae-jung. Her affection for him would soon be replaced by her own suffering. She would grieve for someone who barely even had memories, and degrade herself.

If he were to be killed by a villain, that guilt would be felt solely by Blue Sirius. Heroes are not gods. They cannot protect everyone. Yet why do they continue to run around, bearing the deaths of others as their own sins, and then try to protect someone else? Why do they keep running around, burdened by guilt they don’t need to feel, in order to protect someone else?

That’s when Han Jae-jung realized what he had been thinking about just before almost being killed by the villains.

It was not about his parents or his own well-being.

It was her.

Yoon Seol-hwa, he had only thought of her.

The reason he couldn’t die was her.

“I’m sorry… It must be burdensome, but just understand this.”

“Okay, I understand.”

“…Really?”

The corners of Blue Sirius’s mouth turned upwards. There was anticipation in her expression.

“You still haven’t come to your senses.”

Han Jae-jung let out a sigh.

“Why, why do you say that! Honestly, wasn’t that a somewhat cool line? You could’ve at least pretended to be moved!”

“Don’t force emotions on me.”

“Can’t I even force love?! If I really start forcing emotions, I won’t take a single step until I hear you say you love me!”

“You’re crazy.”

Now she’s really going overboard. Passing off her threats, tantrums, or coquetry as who knows what, Han Jae-jung frowned. Seeing his expression, Blue Sirius bowed her head.

“You… Don’t like me that much?”

“That’s not what I mean. I just want to say…”

At that moment, the gem on Blue Sirius’s body glowed. It was the signal to deploy, meaning a villain had appeared.

“Let’s talk about it later. You have to stay here and not move! Understood? If you move, the wound will get worse.”

Hurriedly getting up from her seat, Blue Sirius opened the window, not the door, and flew out. That dizzying act momentarily gave the impression of a suicide jump. But as she took to the sky, that perilous action was transformed into the courage and uniqueness of a hero.

Watching the empty space, Han Jae-jung let out a sigh.

Even though the deployment signal had gone off, the belt remained silent. It meant his current body was too weak to even handle one quest.

Maybe it was because he had been so preoccupied earlier. He felt a slight loneliness in the quiet hospital room. There was a large TV on the wall in front of him, and a remote control within reach.

The temptation had begun. It was a temptation to challenge.

After all, it was a trauma that had to be resolved. It’s not like he would be exposed to other people’s gaze, and it would just be borrowing someone else’s perspective to see the world. The topics within would surely not be about himself.

Taking a deep breath, he picked up the remote control.

Click. And like when firing a gun, he aimed it.

“…”

The doubts started again. His hand was trembling. He might have been sweating cold sweat.

[What are you doing? If you’re unsure, I’d recommend not watching.]

“Shut up, you bastard.”

After wrestling with the TV for a few minutes, he finally managed to press the power button.

The blank screen was now brightly illuminated.

And what was shown was a live broadcast. It seemed some huge explosion had occurred, with a ruin in the middle of the city. 

Elderly people, children, and occasional adults were huddled in a corner, and a semi-transparent barrier seemed to be covering the ruin, blocking someone’s entry.

In the center of the ruin were Libra and a magical girl.

“…Red Vega?”

It was the same girl who had counseled him about his suicide.