Vaudevillain

Cowabunga flew almost lazily through the bombardment of drones, his eyes searching for either an entrance or a place to make one. Lasers swerved past him, easily moved out of the way as traveled. It seemed a bit odd to him that Dextra, villainous mastermind, would enact such a simple plan. Overwhelming Cowabunga with numbers wasn’t going to work.

The hero had already upgraded his power into helping him automatically group and deflect attacks. An answer he knew he would need to have with so many heroes and villains on the field. Plus, his ‘awareness’ had expanded in a circle around him as well, enough that nothing could get past him.

It effectively made him invincible, which was why Dextra had to have some other plan. And the easiest way to stop such a plan would be to stop Dextra. Hence, the assault.

Of course, it was possible that the villain was acting as bait, but even if that was the case, taking them out was still the best option. If Dextra wasn’t bait and Cowabunga ignored them, then it left him open to any other schemes they came up with. So while it was still risky, it was better to do this than react.

Soon enough he was landing on a lip of the flying machine, gaze searching over the black matte finish. It was almost strange how much the airship resembled a black limousine, but then Cowabunga remembered who he was going up against. Dextra Black did nothing without style.

Case in point, the hissing doors that opened to welcome Cowabunga inside.

“You know, I know you’re playing me, right?” He said. “What makes you think I won’t just open a new path with my powers?”

“Other than the fact you’re a hero that no doubt would wish to minimize collateral damage?” Dextra said, voice echoing smoothly from hidden speakers. “Well, take a look.”

A screen appeared above the open doors, revealing a bale of baby sea turtles swimming lazily in a large tank.

“These are endangered Green Sea Turtles,” Dextra said. “A lovely species of animal, don’t you think? Now imagine what will happen if all those intricate components inside my airship suddenly stop working?”

“Bro! Not cool,” Cowabunga said. “Baby Sea Turtles did nothing to you!”

“Of course not,” Dextra said. “They’re hostages, alive as long as you cooperate. Not to worry, though. Cooperate and I’ll release them back to the wild. I’ll even let you press the button!”

Cowabunga narrowed his eyes. “What’s the catch?”

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“Simple,” Dextra smiled. “You march into my maze of traps like a good little hero. You take care not to smash through the walls and ruin all that delicate circuitry. All the while you shall be assaulted by all the cunning and guile my great intellect can pit against you.”

“So what? To prove something?” Cowabunga asked.

“Of course!” Dextra exclaimed. “This is our magnum opus! Our grandest foray! To prove that we are the best versions of ourselves! And my proof is thus! You are far and away the strongest of your quaint heroic team, and thus the greatest challenge. If my intellect surpasses your strength, then it shows the world that my mind is superior.”

“Bro, not gonna lie,” Cowabunga said. “That was a lot of words for, ‘I want to get my face bashed in by a hero’.”

“Then, come, try if you dare,” Dextra tittered. “Just know that if your refuse to, ‘play the game’, I shall be forced to enact unspeakable horrors on these poor baby sea turtles.”

“Bro, you don’t gotta worry there,” the hero stated. “’Sides, I won’t even need to work that hard to win I bet. All I gotta do is roll with the punches.”

And with that, Cowabunga stepped inside, ready to take on whatever Dextra had for him.

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The first test came shortly. Sprayers popped out of the ceiling and shot acidic globs at Cowabunga. The hero let his power take them past him, almost rolling his eyes at the move. Then he remembered who he was up against, and readied himself.

Sure enough, the globs exploded into a fine mist that once again moved toward him. Again, Cowabunga used his power, letting the attack flow past him. Discreetly, he surfed some up into a wipeout, crashing the mist right into the sprayers. At least some delicate electronics were affected, because soon the hidden weapons were sparking.

Quickly, the hero moved forward. His eyes scanned the hallway, looking for any other hidden traps or doors. A few more acid sprayers appeared, but none got past his defense.

A few steps later had Cowabunga arriving at a T junction in the hall. Both left and right looked identical, and the hero wasn’t sure which way to go. He knew he couldn’t afford to waste time, every second meant more time for Dextra to plan.

“Right hand rule,” he said to himself, and started jogging down the right hallway.

No acid sprayers appeared this time. Instead the floors and walls became adhesive. Cowabunga simply made his shoes surf right over the offending trap.

The hallway led to a simple octagonal room, in which hidden doors instantly opened to reveal a horrific sight.

“Bro! Not cool!” Cowabunga shouted.

In front of him were seals. And not just any seals, but the cute and round kind of seals. The ones that looked almost like round bouncy balls. Each one was strapped to a harness covered in all manner of weapons.

“Oh? Not up to the challenge?” Dextra taunted. “Is the great Cowabunga cowed by my use of trained sea life? Not to worry, none of these have been altered in any way. It’ll just be up to you to keep them from harming each other. Good luck!”

And with those words, Cowabunga found himself dealing with a deluge of incoming gunfire, laserfire, and just plain fire fire. He had it all surf over him where it smacked straight into one of the many walls.

The room shuddered.

“Ah ah ah,” Dextra said. “Remember, damage the place too much and everything comes crashing down around your head!”

“Seriously wishing I hadn’t done this,” Cowabunga said to himself.

“But then how could you call yourself a hero!” Dextra taunted. “And worse, what would the others think of you?”

“You won’t trip me up with all that nonsense, bro,” Cowabunga said. “My friends and I are tight. They’d never lose it over that.”

“Well, we’ll see,” Dextra said.

Cowabunga hadn’t sat idle while they talked. The harnessed seals were still shooting, meaning the hero was still collecting the various bullets, lasers, and fireballs. Each one was collected and pulled into a large ball that he kept moving around his person, slowly bleeding off the energy. He knew eventually, ammunition would run out and he could be on his way.

Sure enough, his guess was correct. Eventually, the harnesses stopped firing, leaving only a miniature flaming sun surfing over some entirely too round seals. A striking image, for sure, but certainly not one that seemed to fit the tension Cowabunga felt. Who knew how much time he’d wasted, how much of an advantage he’d given Dextra.

But there was nothing else to do but keep moving forward. Though he noticed none of the doors in this room opened up. Meaning he needed to backtrack.

Quickly, Cowabunga rushed back down the hallway, surfing again over the adhesive traps. He eventually bled off the rest of the heat from his surfing fireball and let the mass of melted bullets clang to the ground.

The next room opened to a crab rave.

Cowabunga blinked. He rubbed his eyes. He blinked some more in the hope that he was imagining things. But no, standing before him was a consortium of crabs, each one holding a multicolored glowstick.

“Um, bro?” Cowabunga asked.

“A puzzle for you to solve, hero!” Dextra exclaimed. “In each crab’s hand is a glowstick filled with all manner of deadly chemicals! If agitated, the vials will break as the crab squeezes, spilling its contents all over. This kills the crab. And makes you look bad.”

Dextra laughed. “Now, Cowabunga. Can you save all these crabs without breaking a vial?”

The hero grumbled. Now this, this was ridiculous. Who would even think of this? Dextra, that’s who. And the worst part was he wasn’t sure if he could succeed here. His power had accuracy, but not the pinpoint precision he’d likely need to save everything here.

Cowabunga had to make a decision, and fast. And at the end of the day, these were crabs, not people. Not the other heroes counting on him to subdue Dextra and save the city. So, with grim resolve, Cowabunga reached for his power.

Vials smashed against exoskeletons, vibrant liquids splattered across the room like modern art. Crabs fell over, poisoned by whatever Dextra had inside the vials. Cowabunga grit his teeth at the sight and scanned the room for any more surprises.

A door to the side hissed open, leading him forward. Dextra’s voice crackled over the hidden speakers. “My, so heroic!”

“Not cool bro,” Cowabunga said as he rushed forward. “Making me choose between the sea animals and people.”

“On the contrary, I find it quite ‘cool’,” Dextra answered with exaggeration. “After all, what’s cooler than watching your favorite heroes fall to the dark side?”

“Fat chance of that, bro,” Cowabunga said.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Dextra said. “I’m sure you’ll come around.”