Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2. Chapter 4: A Goatboy, a Butler, and an Action Adventurer Walk Into a Bar

“Would you please invite the first applicant in, Ms. Aqua?” I pitched my voice to practically drip maple syrup while channeling my best corporate muckety-muck.

Aqua flinched. “Ugh, that’s even creepier than when you and Whistlemop do that simultaneous evil laugh thing. I still have nightmares about that time I walked into the room and the two of you were cackling at nothing.”

“Why, Ms. Aqua, I do declare! If ya have any complaints with my behaviour you are more than welcome to bring ‘em up with dwarven resources. Oh wait, that would be me!”

“Annie, do you have any idea what he’s on about?” Aqua turned an imploring eye on Annie, who was seated beside me at one of the tables in the mess hall.

Annie didn’t bother looking up from where she was reading over the resumés one last time. “Pete, stop confusing Aqua with obscure references.”

“But - ”

“It’s not fair to her.”

“Fiiine,” I sighed. “Sorry Aqua, could you please let in Bimbleberry? He’ll be first.”

“Ugh! You two are keeping secrets from me, and I don’t like it!”

Now Annie looked up, with a smirk on her face. “You’ll figure it out eventually Aqua. I know you’ve been listening in on us enough to have the big picture. Especially with [Truespeech] on.”

“It’s a big stupid picture and it makes no sense. It was drawn in crayon by a psychotic child,” Aqua grumbled, but went to open the door. “Hey, you! The gnome in the fancy suit! You’re up.”

“Thank you,” the gnome said, as he stepped through the door from the foyer to the mess hall. He had a very cultured tenor. “And thank you two for inviting me to this interview.”

Bimbleberry was rather short for a gnome, barely coming up to my navel. He had a groomed mop of ginger hair and a refined pencil moustache with a long pointed soul patch. His application indicated he was well over 500 years old, but there wasn’t a white hair to be seen. He wore a black butler style suit with a white shirt, and had the shiniest shoes I’d ever seen. Seriously, it had to be an Ability of some sort, because those things managed to catch the light at every angle, and I was pretty sure they were brighter than the solstones lighting the interior.

Annie rose to give him a fist bump, and he replied in kind. Each motion was smooth and calculated. He was… rounder than I had expected. He looked more like a hobbit from Lord of the Rings than a gnome. He wasn’t overweight

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per se, but there was definitely a lot of meat on those bones. He kind of reminded me of an overweight corgi, actually. He turned to give me a fist bump as well, and his coat-tails swished. Yep, corgi.

I chuckled. “Nice ta meet you Bimbleberry, and thank you for comin'. Please take a seat.” I pointed to a chair that had been set up on its lonesome in front of our table. Bimbleberry acquiesced and sat knees together and straight-backed, with his feet at a slight angle. It was exactly what my physiotherapist had called proper posture. It was supposed to help with headaches and ensure a long life for the spine. Except nobody ever actually did what their physiotherapist said to do - that would be insane.

I gave Annie some side-eye, but she was watching him with sparkling eyes. Aqua was too, actually. Huh, maybe it was just me.

Annie shook herself slightly and replied to his question, “Butler Bimbleberry, to start, could you expand on your reason for applying to the Thirsty Goat?”

“Just Bimbleberry is fine, Miss Goldstone. Honestly, there are two main reasons. The first is due to the unfortunate departure of my long-time employer, Lord Samuel. He has made the difficult decision to move away to his mansion in the Capital of Kinshasa. As his head butler, I was invited to come along, but at my age leaving my home of four hundred years is a difficult medicine to swallow. I declined and we separated cordially. I have a letter of reference from him right here.” Bimbleberry brought a sheet of paper out of nowhere and placed it on the table.

“Is that a storage ability?” I asked, leaning forward. “Does it work on anythin', or just paper?”

I had an Ability called [Big Money] that stored cash in an extra-dimensional space. It wasn’t quite as good as a bank, since the money didn’t gain interest, but it beat a wallet in the back pocket any day of the week.

“Yes, though it only allows me to store letters and paperwork; an invaluable skill for a [Butler].”

I jotted down a note, ‘useless storage skill’ and nodded at Annie to continue the interview.

“You said there were two reasons?”

“Yes, the other is a bit more selfish,” he chuckled, “simply put, I’m a fan of your food and drink.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I’ve been too busy to come myself, but one of Lord Samuel’s maids brought me food from this restaurant several times in the past few months. The balance of the flavours was incredible, and the recipe divine. I’m a bit of a gourmand, you see.” He patted his belly, and yes, we could see. “I made some inquiries and was surprised to learn that the chef was a name already known to me, one Bran Hurler.”

“Wait,” I put up my hand. “How do ya know Bran?”

“One of my favourite bakeries purchased some recipes for confections from him. I give them a stipend to ensure that they bring interesting new foods to me.”

Oh. Those had been my recipes. Ah well, Bran deserved the attention.

The interview continued pretty much to standard. Annie asked him questions about his previous employment, the service industry, and beer in general. Bimbleberry had the right answer to every question, even when he didn’t know the actual answer, and I found myself nodding along.

Ok fine, competence could be sexy. That, or this guy had a charisma over thirty and I just couldn’t help myself. Is it mind-control when somebody just has a massive ‘like me’ stat? At least something like that would’ve made my attraction to Liv Tyler more easily explainable to Caroline. It was mind-control, dear!

Before long the interview was at an end and it was time for the next applicant.

“Thank you for your time, Bimbleberry. If you could please wait outside while we see the next person? We'll be announcing the results after we've seen everyone.”

“Of course Miss Annie.” He made his way out, and Annie stopped Aqua from getting the next person.

She gave me a look.

I sighed. “He makes a good first impression, I’ll give him that. But I still don’t think he would fit in here. I like him, but I don’t see myself getting along with him.”

“He’d get along well with Bran.” Aqua piped up. Annie and I both looked at her.

“What did you think about him, Aqua?” Annie said with only a little trepidation.

“That suit looks very uncomfortable. I wonder if he has an Ability to negate that?” Aqua mused. “He’s fine. Weird that he isn’t Specialized though, if he was such an incredible butler for so long."

“There is that.” I nodded. “We’ll put him down as a maybe for now. He’s perfectly fine.”

“Alright Aqua, send in Kirk Manly.” Annie said.

Aqua gave a mysterious grin. “Are you sure?”

“Why would I need to be sure?”

Aqua opened the door. “You’re next big guy!”

Big guy?

Then the tallest dwarf I’d ever seen walked into the room; he had to duck to get through the door! He wore a half-open white tunic and leather vest over top of black leather pants. His boots were covered in at least a dozen brass buckles and were made of some kind of scaled skin. Unlike most dwarves I’d seen, he eschewed a beard altogether for a Hulk Hogan style moustache. His brown hair was slicked back with some kind of grease and while Bimbleberry had exuded competence, this guy screamed machismo.

Kirk Manly, eh? Touche… I did a double take as he sauntered to our table. Wait, he wasn’t a dwarf, he was -

“You’re human!” Annie proclaimed in shock. Aqua giggled.

“I am indeed,” Kirk pulled a comb out of nowhere and brushed back an errant lock. He flashed a sparkling smile and continued in a cool baritone. “Kirk Manly, Action-Adventurer, at your service.”

“Um, nice to meet you, and thank you for coming?” Annie seemed bereft of words for a moment, but still reflexively reached out to fist bump.

“The pleasure’s all mine, Annie Goldstone. Thank you for the opportunity!” He took her hand into his own and sketched a bow.

Kirk was the first human I’d ever met face to face since arriving on Erd. I’d seen some at a distance, but this was my first time with one in front of me. I gulped; if I stood up, I’d barely come up to his stomach. It was likely that he was tall for a human, but still… his head was just a little below the ceiling!

We three dwarves in the room stared amongst ourselves in consternation. Kirk’s resume hadn’t mentioned that he was human. That made… sense. I could understand his race being a roadblock in job hunting; some dwarves were a bit picky about that. Heck, I’d been pretty damn racist myself when I first arrived here.

Annie was still a bit discombobulated, so I decided to start things off.

“I’m Pete Roughtuff, and welcome to Thirsty Goat Brewpub. So ya want ta work here, eh?”

Annie and Aqua both glanced over at me with looks of confusion. What? Was it odd to talk to a human? Surely not.

Kirk’s smile grew even wider. He held up his hand and gave me a massive fist bump. His accent had a slight twang; it was vaguely Western Americana, or Human in this case I guess. It reminded me a bit of home. “Peter Roughtuff? Are you as rough n’ tuff as your name?”

I smiled back. “I like to think so.”

His brow furrowed. “Any relation to Balin Roughtuff of Goldenlight?”

Wait what!? My mouth took a moment to catch up to my reeling mind. “Wait, what!? Balin Roughtuff's my brother. What’s this 'Goldenlight'!?”

Kirk looked taken aback. “You haven’t heard yet? Brightstar saved a couple new teams from an attack by a copse of Fireash treants the other day.”

“Brightstar, that’s Balin’s adventurin' team!” I shouted in surprise.

Annie gripped my arm tightly and began shaking it. I shooed her away, focusing on Kirk.

“That’s right. Some youngsters were pushing too deep to earn the bounty on Fireash, and got themselves surrounded. Team Brighstar arrived out of nowhere and saved them. The kids say Brightstar ‘arrived out of the darkness like a pair of shining silver and golden lights’. The name’s getting bandied around the Adventuring Guild now. We’re all real proud of them; that’s what a real adventuring team should be like! Heroes arriving in the darkest hour of need!” He struck a pose. It was very manly.

“By Yearn’s Yams, Balin! What are you getting yerself into!?” I hissed. An entire copse of Fireash treants? And I thought taxes were bad!

I was suddenly assaulted as Annie grabbed my ear and yanked hard. “Pete!!”

“Argh, what!” I turned to look at her in annoyance and was taken aback by the desperation in her eyes.

“Why do you keep mentioning Balin’s name? What’s happened!?”

“What do you mean what happened? You’ve been here the entire time!”

“What are you talking about!? You’ve both been speaking the Human tongue!”

I looked over at Aqua in surprise and she nodded in confirmation.

“I'm impressed you speak manish.” Kirk said, and now that I was paying attention I caught the subtle moment his voice shifted into speaking dwarvish. “Not many bother to learn the language of other races.”

“I… I don’t… I’ve never learned manish…” I muttered, momentarily thrown off my game.

Annie continued to pull at my arm, and Kirk simply smiled in polite curious silence, but across the room Aqua’s eyes squinted in suspicion.

Oh.

SHIT.