Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2. Chapter 5: Lost in Translation

“So, uh, I'm just gonna step outside for a second." I began.

“NOOOPE!” Aqua put her arms up in an ‘X’. “Explanations first! How do you speak Manish, and why did that seem to surprise you!”

“Aqua, we're still in the middle of an interview.” Annie said crossly, pointing at Kirk. “We can always discuss this later.”

Kirk immediately gained my eternal enmity with a sparkling grin that would have fit on the cover of Dentist’s Monthly. “Don't stop for me, blue-beard.”

I knew it! Sudden and inevitable betrayal!

“See! He knows how things work. Smart move, maybe new guy. Spill Pete!” Aqua walked over to my seat and jabbed a finger in my chest. “What the heck is going on with you! Amnesia doesn’t even begin to cover this!”

“I - I - I…” I stood up from my seat and began backing up.

I was in a bit of a spot. I’d figured a while back that I wasn’t actually thinking in Dwarvish; the words were being translated in my head. It was an odd feeling when I concentrated on it, but it didn’t really cause me issues.

And now I was learning that it was in fact a universal translator?

Were my little goatly translations real? I thought I was making them up!

Oh Gods, the accents. The Scottish accents. Chuck and most of the other black-skinned South Erden dwarves I’d met had vaguely South African accents. Balin’s South Erden gnomish teammate Aishablue looked vaguely Indian to my eyes and had a Punjabi accent. The Americana manly-man Manly spoke with a Cascadia accent. Gnomes drank tea and were slightly British!

My translator was giving me the accents based on what my subconscious thought the accents should be!

Could I speak Elvish? Beastkin? Draconic!? Were those even languages? What about secret codes or hidden languages? Could I only translate modern vernacular? Would ancient dialects translate into my head as Old English? Were my thoughts even my own at this point!? Could I trust anything I said!? What was I even saying when I spoke!!!

I felt a cool hand on my cheek. I turned some slightly spinning eyes and looked down into Aqua’s deep stormy greys.

“Pete?” Her voice was concerned, all tones of accusation lost. “Are you okay?”

“I - I’m fine.” I took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think my question would hit you so hard. If you - if you really don’t feel comfortable talking about it with me I can drop it.” Aqua said. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

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It probably really ate at her. Knowing that Annie was party to a secret that we were deliberately keeping from her. Teasing her with even. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was literally more charismatic than I’d ever been in my life. I could handle difficult conversations.

“Sorry, Aqua. I… I’ll talk to you about it later, ok? I think we owe you an apology for yanking your chain about it too.”

“Thank you, but only when you’re ready Pete.” She patted my hand and her smile finally reached her eyes.

We were brought back to the room by Annie giving a sharp whistle with her thumb and forefinger.

“Thank you Aqua and Peter for that heartwarming scene. May I request that we keep things professional for our prospective employees from now on? But first, Pete… BALIN!? What were you talking about with Kirk?”

“Balin’s fine, I’ll tell you about it later. He got kinda famous. As for Kirk…”

We all turned to look at Kirk, who was standing at ease watching the byplay.

He shrugged. “It was a fine display of comradeship."

“Ahem. So, why did you want to work here?” Annie asked, attempting to return the room to normalcy. I took a seat next to her.

“It is a long story.” Kirk began.

“Sorry, we’ll only have time for the short version.” Annie held out her hand in placation. “But regardless of what happens with the job, I’d be interested in hearing how a human ended up as an adventurer in Minnova.”

I nodded. “Aye, I’ve seen a few here and there, but never gotten tha lowdown.”

Kirk launched into a soliloquy complete with hand gestures. “I sought to ply my skills as an action-adventurer in Greentree. Even above ground your fair city is known as a proving ground. Most of my adventuring in the human kingdoms was solo, but I wanted to join a team. You see - I started off delivering expensive goods cross-country, then moved on to porting mail for nobility. And the occasional rescue, of course!” He thrust out his chest and gave a winning smile.

It was kind of like listening to Superman deliver Shakespeare.

“Just the short is fine.” Annie interrupted.

“Short it is! I spent all the money I’d earned to come and join a team in Greentree, but the dungeon was closed for nearly the whole year. While I cooled my heels I fell in love with the Sacred Brew - it’s not available in the human kingdoms you know.”

“Really?” I sat forward. “What do they drink?” Now that I was watching for it I could feel my voice switch into Manish, but that was a problem for another time. There was alcohol to discuss!

“Milk mostly, and water. Though we do have liquor. My personal favourite is whiskey, but I can’t seem to get any in Minnova.”

“Whiskey – !” I began.

“Alright!” Annie clapped her hands. “Back on task.”

I mouthed ‘later’ at Kirk and he gave me a quick thumbs up then continued his story.

“While cooling my heels, I fell in love with the Sacred Brew, and I got to know the local drinking scene. By the way, good showing at the Barck Beer Brawl, Pete! Then just as Greentree was opening again you released the Ass-Blaster Ale, and it was incredible! A symphony of flavours and sounds!”

I choked; that was one way to put it!

“So when the Thirsty Goat announced they were looking for a waiter I simply had to apply! This brewpub is going to go places, and I want to be there for it!” he finished.

Annie smiled at his obvious love of the brew we'd put so much effort into. “Thank you, Kirk. Now, I have a few more questions for you.”

The rest of the interview went similarly to Bimbleberry’s. Kirk was well spoken and answered questions with verve. While Bimbleberry had quiet competence and self-assuredness, Kirk had a swaggering confidence and quick wit. When he knew an answer he would include small personal anecdotes, and when he didn’t he was often able to tie it around to something he did know.

“I think that’s everything from me.” Annie said, shuffling the paperwork on the table. “Is there anything more, Pete?”

I cleared my throat. “So, Kirk… we couldn’t help but notice the song on the back of your resume. Did you write it?”

“Yes indeed!” Kirk flashed a shining smile. “I had a lot of time to practice traveling from town to town alone. Would you like to hear?”

“You have a song!?” Aqua squealed. “Is it anything like Strawberrysyrup?”

“The gnomish ‘pop’ star as she calls herself? I quite like her style! I went to her last concert and it was incredible.”

“We did too!”

“Well, my music isn’t much like hers, but perhaps you’ll like it!” He stretched out his hands, and with a *pop* a fiddle appeared in his right hand and a bow in his left. He struck a pose, and then spun into an upbeat song. After a few seconds he launched into the words, pausing his playing briefly as he sung each line. It felt a lot like listening to an opening theme song for a 90’s cartoon.

“He – 's Kirk Manly!

He – 's a hero!

He’ll be there to help, no matter king or zero!

If – you're troubled!

You – 've got problems!

Get the only guy who can kick right through Golems!

He – 's a singer!

He – 's a dancer!

Now watch as he knocks out that Necromancer!

He – 's Kirk Manly!

He – 's a hero!

He’s the greatest human that you’ll ever hear-oooooohhhh!!!!!!”

He began to dance as he played, hopping from foot to foot in a fanciful jig. He ended with a flourish of the bow and bowed. His shirt had ruffled a bit from the exertion and a bead of sweat stood out on his forehead, but he wasn’t breathing hard at all.

We all clapped.

Aqua looked like she was about to say something but Annie broke in. “That was wonderful, thank you Kirk. If you could wait in the hallway; we have one more person to see.”

Kirk thanked us for our time and made his way out the door.

The three of us stared at the door for a while after he left.

I coughed into the silence.

Aqua snorted.

—

I spent a little time filling Annie in about Balin, and then it was time for the main attraction.

“Before we let in the next one, I need to go get something.” I said, standing up to run out back.

Annie rolled her eyes. “You mean some-one.”

Yes indeed, yes indeed. I fetched our erstwhile guest star and brought her into the pub.

“Alright, go get the last person, Aqua!” I said.

“Finally! Last one.” Aqua stuck her head into the foyer and called. “Hey you, yeah you, the one with the hat, come in.”

“Thank ya’ll fer seein’ me.” Jack the goatboy said in a rough tenor as he sauntered in. Like many dwarves I’d seen he had his beard up in a traditional set of knots and pleats, with a light-brown moustache that reached his belt. That was where his similarity to Minnova city-dwarves ended. His accent was a fair approximation of an American cowboy, while his leather armour was fairly standard, he wore the most ridiculous hat I’d ever seen. It was almost half again as tall as he was, and covered in a layer of dappled goat fur. There was a single horn pointing out the front of it, just like a unigoat.

That confirmed my [Minimap] Ability was translating based on my own subconscious. Someone who looked like they walked out of a cowboy movie just happened to speak with a cowboy twang?

“Thank you for coming, Goatboy Jack.” Annie held out her hand and Jack walked up to fist bump it.

“Nah, thankew fer havin’ me Miss Annie! I do look forward ta bein’ part o’ yer brewery!” He swung one fist back and forth in a celebratory gesture.

“That will depend on this interview of course. To start, what made you decide to pick the Thirsty Goat brewpub?”

“Well, you see - “ he began, but was interrupted by a questioning noise from underneath the table.

“Meeeeeh?” [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “Prithee, who art this fine specimen of goatboy?”

Jack spluttered to a stop and stared as Penelope-the-Five-Hundred-and-Fourth stood up from where she’d been chewing on my shoes under the table. Penelope was a unigoat, which were treated kind of like a cross between dogs and horses in Minnova. They were just large enough for a dwarf to comfortably ride, but were small enough and smart enough to keep as domesticated pets. Penelope was a fine white specimen with a single pearlescent horn curling up from her forehead.

Penelope moved forward and sniffed at Jack. “Meeeeh.” [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “I am Penelope, queen of all within these walls. Who are you that stinks of foreign powers?”

Jack’s eyes crossed, and his pupils became rectangular like a goat’s. His ears grew a little longer as well, and his nails were suddenly a bit… hoofy.

Then, he spoke in perfect goat.

“Meeeeh.” [Translated from Weirdo Goatboy] “Greetings, your highness. I am Jack, come to these lands from afar to meet with your servants.”

Penelope’s head tipped quizzically. “Meeeeh!” [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “Shock of shocks! You speak the noble tongue of goats, goatboy!!”

Jack’s bleating became a bit harsh. “MEEEEEH! MEEEH!!!” [Translated from Weirdo Goatboy] “Of course! The goat is the most noble of beings! It is an honour to be in your presence, your highness!”

Penelope pawed at the floor. “Meeeh. Meeeeh!!” [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “Truly! Do you wish to serve this one as well?”

Suddenly, Jack’s eyes flickered back to normal and he stood to his full height. He whirled around and marched back to the door.

“Uh, Jack?” Annie asked.

“I will not be treated dis way, I’ve never been so insulted in ma whole durn life! That city slicker goat has the foulest tongue of any beast I’ve encountered! What kinda business are you runnin’ here!?” He slammed the door behind him, leaving a very confused room of dwarves and one goat.

“What was that about?” Annie asked, looking wide eyed at Penelope.

“Dunno.” I said, shrugging. “But I think my goat translator is broken.”

Or didn’t exist. Phew.