Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 26: Fancy Dress Party

I shuffled impatiently as we stood at the entrance to the camp. Soon, Balin and I would either be spending the next few years mining, or we’d be free. We were joined by Speaker John, Doc Opal, and Grim. Almost all the Titled dwarves in the camp were here except for Whisperer Gemma. The rest of the prisoners were watching from behind us back in the camp. They had the day off from mining, and they weren’t going to miss the show. I grumbled as I saw Sam taking the last bets on ‘does Pete die today’. Balin was stiff as a board beside me.

“Come on Balin, don’t be nervous. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” I nudged him and he almost tottered over.

“Because we’re gonna die right after?” He squeaked.

“Nah, because we’re going to meet a lot of Titled people at once!” One of the most important lessons I’d learned in my life was the power of networking. That one famous guy who loved Beavermoose and talked about it on air was all it took to make us rich. Hard work doesn’t hurt, but making it big comes from knowing the right people and a little bit of luck. We were about to get the right people served up to us on a silver platter.

Apparently, the lead [Engineer] and his entire posse, plus some dwarves from City Administration with a capital C and A were coming. In other words, it was time to schmooze!

“Put the cinnamon back in yer shirt.” I adjusted Balin’s necktie and pulled out my beard brush. He had an incorrigible tangle in his beard and it took me a while to get out. I also took a moment to consider his poor lopsided handlebar moustache. Ah well, maybe he could earn pity points for sacrificing his own facial hair to the cause.

“It stinks like cinnamon!” Balin hissed.

“That’s the point! Better to smell like cinnamon than smell like prisoner!” I glowered at him until he acquiesced and returned to his nervous fidgeting. It was clear that he found the suit to be very uncomfortable. I brushed my own wavy brown beard and locks and checked my outfit.

When I’d heard from Grim that we had a whole parade coming through I’d asked to borrow some proper business attire. He’d raised an eyebrow, then obtained a pair of ‘fashionable’ clothes for me and Balin. I was currently dressed in a white shirt and three-piece style suit made out of some kind of linen. The suit was dark blue with a small stripe down the side and an understated checker pattern. Then, because dwarves, it had some chain sewed into the jacket and the vest was made of thick leather. There was also a set of leather greaves and a shiny leather skullcap with fur lining and a feather in it. It was like a mix between an adventuring outfit and a gangster’s suit from the prohibition era.

I loved it. It beat the heck out of wearing stinky faux armor all day. Now I could wear snazzy faux armor!

Grim coughed as we saw a line of unigoats coming up the trail in the distance.

“These are some important people. I expect everyone ta be on their best behaviour? Got it?”

“Do you know any of them, Grim?” I asked.

“The head [Engineer] is a gnome named Copperpot. He has a few gnomes and dwarves working under him that will be coming as well. A couple of ‘em are Titled but I don’t know em.”

“Anything to know about Copperpot?”

“He’s sharp as an axe and likes straight talk. He’ll hate you.”

“Ouch. He must love you.”

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Grim chuckled. “Nah, he hates me too. He hates almost everybody. Comes from bein’ thrice specialized.”

“So, he’s got… at least fifteen milestones?” I counted my own, four. One more to go!

“Aye, takes hundreds of years ta get that many. Most Titled never even get one! He’s an [Arcanomechanical Civil Engineer].”

“A whosawhatsitnow?” That was a mouthful equal to Worcestershire! Civil Engineer was obvious, but what was Arcanomechanical? "Is that Magic Engineering?"

Doc Opal leaned over. “Arcanomechanical. He works on integrating magic with civil engineering projects, and designs magical buildings.” Wow, that sounded cool. I seemed to remember that was called arcanepunk back on earth, or something like that.

“What blessings make an [Engineer]? Archis and whom else?” They needed Archis for magic, and he was the god of knowledge so that made sense. Maybe the other God was Barck...

“No, Lunara and Barck. Why?” Speaker John asked. He had put some bows in his beard braids today! Looking good John!

“What? How can he do magic stuff if he doesn’t have Archis’s blessin?” I asked. Doc Opal looked struck for a moment.

Speaker John nodded as he replied. “It’s a common misconception by most of the non-mage community that the Blessing of Archis is required to do magic. Indeed, [Manasight] is necessary to perform any kind of work with Mana.”

“I’m sensing a 'but'.” I was growing excited. Could this mean what I thought it meant?!

“Yes, some rare specializations can grant either a lesser form of [Manasight] or a way of doing basic magic without it.”

“I didn’t know that.” Opal mused.

“That doesn’t surprise me.” John nodded. “Most of your training would have been physical and practical in nature.”

“Yes, we didn’t really cover magic. Just enough to know how some magics interact with the healing process.” Opal shrugged. “Sorry for leading you astray there, Peter.”

“Wait, so I could still learn magic? Even as an [Alchemist]?” I was practically vibrating now.

Speaker John smiled. “You eager to learn the deep ways of the world, Pete? Mana can do things Blessings can’t, but it requires a lot of training! You’ll need a bit of luck to get the right Specialization though.”

Don’t Care! Magic! My mind began to buzz with ideas on getting the right specialization. Since all this stuff seemed to be based on the moment, maybe I could try using some of that Arcanomechanical stuff in the beer making process. Perhaps that would get me something like [Arcanomechanical Alchemist]. That would be SWEET!

With the thought of getting magic again I could feel my anger at Barck unraveling. Then I furrowed my brow and held on to it; it wasn't just about the magic. Barck had taken my choice, and until l got a decent explanation for that, I was going remain on the 'I hate Barck' train. Maybe I'd forgive him if he taught me how to get a magic based Specialization.

“Why is someone so important coming out for this?” I asked, as the procession slowly moved closer.

“He said he wanted to meet you.” Grim’s grin was sharp as a shark's.

Oh.

---

The procession slowly made its way into view. There were just over a dozen people in the group. From some fairly heavily armored dwarven guards, to someone in a shocking amount of red, to what looked like people wearing doublets and those weird poofy pants. What’re those pants called, bombasts? That seemed appropriate for the occasion! They were also pulling a brightly coloured cart behind them. It had some glowing letters carved into the side that were visible even from this distance. I think they were runes, and they were clearly doing something magical to the cart, which didn’t jostle or wiggle an inch as it came up the rocky path.

“Here they come.” Whispered Grim. “Engineer Copperpot is the one leading, and the dwarfess in the magenta hauberk chain mail is Statustician Diamond from City Administration. They’re the big names in the group.” Well, that answered the ‘what to call a female dwarf’ question.

“A statistician?” I whispered back. “Is she here to audit the experiment?”

“No, a [Statustician],” Said Doc Opal, “she can read statuses. She’s quite nice, I like her.” Speaker John adjusted his braids and pulled out a hand mirror. Oho!

“She’s very pretty too?” I asked, ensuring John could hear.

“Oh, very. She has a gorgeous red beard and a temper to match. She also plays a mean game of hammercup. She went to university with John, didn’t she John?” Opal nudged John in the ribs and he started.

“Huh? Oh yes, Statustician Diamond is very intelligent and good look- I, I, I mean good at her work.” He blushed. Wow, I’ve never seen Speaker John be anything other than stoic and taciturn. This was amazing! Go Opal!

“How well do you know her, Opal?” I asked, keeping an eye on Speaker John.

“I met her on the job and we got to talking." Opal said, "I’d call her more than a work acquaintance but not quite a best friend. She’s well spoken and well read, with a delightful sense of humour, and she enjoys her sweets too. Though not as much as me. Is that a box of chocolates I see hiding behind your back John?”

John coughed and turned as magenta as the approaching dwarfess.

“What does a [Statustician] do?” I asked, as the parade entered the final approach to our rise.

“She works with City Administration to find and catch criminal Titled. She can read status screens, which allows her to search for illegal or restricted Titles.” Grim interjected.

“Those exist? What are they?”

Speaker John spoke up, desperate to change the subject. “A-hem. Most banned Titles are based off of Yearn of Nether.”

“Well, that seems unfair. Why single her out?”

“You see,” John continued, his voice turning scholarly. “Most Nether blessings provide a Title that is the manifest opposite of the Blessing it is paired with. The most common examples would be Nether and Possessions combining to create a [Swindler] or Nether and Freedom creating a [Jailer].”

“Huh, interesting. So, Diamond likes her dwarves smart, Doc?”

“Oh yes, we talked about it at length over tea and cakes. She also likes dwarves that aren’t afraid to accent their look. She likes colour, Diamond does.” Opal winked at me. John turned practically purple as his hands pulled at the bows in his beard.

“Shut it.” Grim hissed. “They’re here.”

“Wait,” I asked, in dawning horror as the group crested the hill up to the camp, “Can she can read Blessings and Milestones too?” I had that [Otherworlder] Milestone! Solen’s socks, there’s never a handy lead sheet around when you needed it to block magic x-rays!

“Yep.” Answered Grim. I tamped down a surge of panic and calmed myself. Just don’t act suspicious Pete, and besides, literally everyone knows you’re an [Alchemist]. Unless they think I lied…

We all stood to attention as the first unigoats entered conversation range. The guards came in first and split around us. Half of them went to stand between us and the camp while the rest stayed with their charges. There were eight plate-clad dwarven guards, four gnomes, and three dwarves.

The gnome at the front of the line hopped off his unigoat. He had a shock white moustache that drooped down to his shoulders, and a tiny goatee. He also had the largest set of coke-bottle glasses I’ve ever seen, complete with more glowing runes. He was wearing a grey doublet and a set of brown bombasts. Also, he had on an honest to the Gods beanie, complete with a tiny propeller that was slowly spinning.

“[Administrator] Grim.” He nodded at Grim as his eyes swept over us. He had a voice that was creaky with age, but firm and confident. Doc Opal’s eyes widened in shock.

“[Administrator]!” She cried. “Grim, you cabbage. You never said a word!” Grim smirked slyly.

“Opal, as enthusiastic as ever.” The elderly gnome nodded at her.

“Hello Engineer Copperpot. I haven’t seen you since my Doctorate days.”

“I heard from my colleagues that your thesis was a marvel.” He smiled at her.

We were joined by the magenta dressed female dwarf. The slight purple of her hauberk and her silver plate accents were offset by an incredibly fiery beard shaped into twin drills. Her hair was similarly coloured, with fine ringlets.

“Opall!” She cried, opening her arms. She and Opal shared a brief hug as she turned to Grim.

“Lustre sends her regards Grim. I ran into her outside Lord Rodson’s office.”

“Thankee Diamond. Is she doin well?”

“Looks chipper as ever. I’m excited to see this mine where the Blessings fall like rain!” Diamond’s eyes roved over the camp.

“Oh, it’s unbelievable Diamond” Opal rolled her eyes. “Another party nearly every month.”

“You poor thing.” Diamond poked Opal in the side. “Have they been fattening you up?”

“Enough Diamond, we have business to do.” Copperpot interrupted. He walked up to me and Balin, who had been dead silent this entire time. “So, you two are the ones behind this operation?”

“Yessir!” I held out my hand and he shook it. “Peter Samson. Thank you so much for takin the time out of your schedule to come and see us. We’re lookin forward to seein your plans.” Balin just nodded and made a slight leaking sound. Come on Balin, pull it together!

“Yes, I did take time out of my schedule.” Copperpot nodded, his face turning serious. “It’s a shame the recipe you sent us is worthless.”

Excuse me?