I (30), Who Works for a Black Company and Died While Regretting My Gloomy Life, Started Over From High School!

Chapter 153: The Revealed Pain

I I misunderstood.

Huh?

Haruka showed a puzzled expression, unable to read my intentions. However, I continued regardless.

When I first saw you in high school, I was shocked. You were beautiful, kind, and to top it off, the daughter of a company president I was astounded that someone could be so blessed by the heavens.

W-What!?

Upon hearing my genuine first impression, Haruka groaned in embarrassment.

It wasnt an attempt to flatter her, but a genuine feeling. At that moment, I truly believed I was in the presence of an angel.

So, I positioned her as someone almost divine in my mind.

The scenery I saw with you was so bright and the world seemed so rosy Thats what I thought.

Back then, I measured the world based on simple specifications. Beautiful people, geniuses, athletes their lives seemed to shine just by existing. I wholeheartedly believed that.

But now, Im convinced that was a colossal mistake. Not just me, but probably almost everyone around our age and in the Shijouin family must have been mistaken too.

Even those girls who had tormented Haruka since childhood must have harbored feelings like Its unfair for the princess who monopolizes this beautiful world. People tend to believe that the privileged have it easy.

With that conviction I thought. Even though you acknowledge my proposal as valid, why do you still consider quitting work such a taboo? What reason could there be for you to keep working, even keeping your current situation from your parents?

In the dream, the high schooler Haruka had evaluated my adult self and said, A child who wants to become an adult and is trying too hard. If that perspective was correct, what did Haruka envision as this adult she yearned to be?

Reflecting on Harukas personality and the behavior of the adult Haruka, there was only one answer.

Haruka You believe youre a person without worth, dont you?

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.!

Harukas reaction spoke volumes.

She stood frozen, visibly shaken, not moving an inch.

This sentiment was something everyone grappled with to some extent. There were few who could confidently claim to have completely become adults.

But in Harukas case It likely ran much deeper. It had become a curse eating away at her.

Then what am I supposed to be?

In response to me probing into her inner world, a voice tinged with anger reached me. It was an exceedingly rare occurrence Harukas voice, unsettled and leaning towards negative emotions.

Yes, thats right Im a person without value. I genuinely believe that. Of course, if I were to say that, everyone would deny my words.

Almost self-mockingly, Haruka smiled with a sad expression.

Everyone says Im blessed. Yes, thats true. But its simply something I was born with. Its not my own worth.

Deepening her self-derision, Haruka smiled faintly.

I always wanted friends. But it never happened.

With a voice steeped in sadness, Haruka began to speak.

In elementary school, in middle school, in high school, in university! Everyone else could achieve it effortlessly, but I couldnt! Every girl, no matter how close I tried to get, always kept their distance Because theres nothing appealing about me on the inside!

I knew just how much Haruka had longed for friends in the second world. Thats why, hearing this anguished cry from the adult Haruka, it was painful to listen to.

There were so many things I wanted to do! But even when I mustered the courage to try, the class and the clubs felt awkward with me around, and it never went well! In the end, all thats left are colorless youth without a single happy memory!

It was a lament no different from the ordinary sadness of an everyday introvert like me. Who would have thought that an angel, who everyone believed to be blessed and untouchable, also yearned for a place in the sun just like us shadows?

I wanted to be normal! To make friends normally, enjoy school life normally, revel in a typical youth! But no matter how much I psyched myself up, I never got anything! Not for twenty years and more!

I could sense this sorrow even from the Haruka of the second world. She wanted friends and memories of youth, and by obtaining them, she solidified her self-esteem and inner strength.

But in this first world, Haruka had grown up without any of that. She had deepened her despair, believing that she, who should have been normal, couldnt even attain a fragment of it.

Someone like me, who cant grasp what they want, is somewhere wrong! Theres something missing! I I truly hate myself!

So you fixated on being an adult.'

Yes.

Harukas eyes were faintly moist.

Tears welled up, awaiting the curse she would unleash in the heat of her emotions.

I tried to become a proper person who works earnestly and contributes to society. Even if I, whos empty inside, could at least become a respectable adult, I thought I might come to like myself a bit more. Even if I couldnt navigate life well, I thought I could become someone, something, that could exist anywhere!

As if this alone were her salvation, Haruka shouted.

If I lose even this, then I truly have nothing! Even if I face hardships as an adult Once I run away, this cowardly and slothful me might end up depending on my overly kind family and might never summon the courage to try again!

Being an adult required a role. If you ran away from the difficulty of that role even once, you werent an adult. The adult you werent, didnt even possess the last remaining shard of value.

It was a thought I too had harbored to some extent. The fear of becoming something, someone, of value that was also one of the reasons I couldnt quit my corporate job.

So, I cant quit my job! Because Im going to work now, I can barely forgive myself! If I run away even once, I I!

Unable to contain the self-loathing that had swelled to its limit, Haruka shouted. This was what she had carried in her heart. The already self-punishing girl had let these thoughts fester until she reached this point.

It was painfully poignant, but

Honestly, I cant just stand by.

Huh

Tears streamed down Harukas cheeks. Facing Haruka, who was overcome by self-revulsion, I took a step forward.

TLN: No chapter tomorrow, but I fill the queue the following day.