The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 1

In the year 2023 on Earth, on a March night that carried a lingering chill of winter, Lan Xi stood shivering in a dark alleyway, cursing Earth's fickle climate while angrily stuffing two yellowed pages into her mouth and chomping down.

Dry and coarse, they were tough to chew and swallow. The fibers were rough - tasting of a tree's unsettled death.

Foolish humans.

How could anyone claim books were a nutritional staple for mankind?!

Books were revoltingly awful to eat!

Could this really be considered food?!

"Blech!"

Lan Xi spit out the paper in disgust.

Forget this so-called nutrient. She'd have to get money another way.

With a grave expression, she glanced at the tattered copy of The Earthling Conquest Guide 2003 Revised Edition in her hand.

It said that to live comfortably on Earth, you first needed money.

As the princess of Mu Yi Star, this was Lan Xi's third day stranded on Earth after an accidental wormhole jump gone awry.

Having received elite tutelage since childhood, she was fluent in the languages of many star systems. Although the diversity of Earth's languages was staggering and she had only grasped a fraction, after three sleepless days spent hiding in malls and glued to their televisions, Lan Xi was confident she could now understand the local language of the city she was in.

With the added fortune that Mu Yi people looked identical to Earthlings, Lan Xi's integration had gone smoothly so far.

Time to set a modest initial goal - conquer Earthling money first, then conquer the Earthlings themselves.

Lan Xi was brimming with confidence.

**

The alley she was in was sparsely populated, with one broken streetlamp leaving a stretch in shadows. But just as Lan Xi was about to draft her battle plans for conquering Earthlings and their money, the silence was shattered by voices -

A tall, curly-haired fellow with a cigarette hanging from his mouth was shoving a shorter, bespectacled boy into the alley.

Lan Xi paid them no mind, until the tall one barked in a raspy duck-like voice,

"Where's the money?!"

Money!

Lan Xi snapped to attention, eyeing the two boys by the alley entrance.

The shorter boy's voice quavered. "I...I don't have any...really, nothing..."

The tall one slammed him against the wall, getting right in his face as his voice shot up three octaves. "You dare say you don't have any? Forgot who I am?!

The shorter boy didn't dare respond. The tall one kept on menacingly, "I'm your dad!"

Those four words were like an incantation. The shorter boy, who'd just claimed to have no money, finally pulled out some paper bills from a hidden inner pocket of his clothes with a trembling hand and gave them to the tall one.

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After the two boys left, the alley soon returned to calm, but Lan Xi's heart was anything but calm.

The password to wealth.

When she'd first heard of this term a few days ago, Lan Xi hadn't grasped its meaning. But the scene before her eyes now made it click.

No wonder they said mastering the password to wealth meant mastering wealth itself.

When the shoe fits, the foot's in comfort clad.

To think a fluke coincidence allowed her to uncover Earthlings' most covert password to wealth!

Lan Xi closed The Earthling Conquest Guide 2003 Revised Edition. This weighty tome was supposedly the life's work of Mu Yi's advance troops and experts once stationed on Earth.

She'd barely finished skimming the introductory overview of Earth and its societies in one whole day, and had no desire to continue plowing through the dense theoretical knowledge.

After all, as the Earthlings wisely said, "True knowledge stems from practice, not books."

And indeed, what could beat hands-on observation and practice when it came to efficiency, no matter how much theory one read?

In but a fleeting moment, her keen observation had uncovered the knack for making money.

Money was hard to earn, but tireless hands would prevail.

Next, she just needed to casually mimic what she'd seen.

The night wind still chilled, but Lan Xi's heart burned with fiery passion and drive.

She smiled. Stepping out of the alley, she decided to earn her first billion.

**

To make money, she had to go where the money was.

After a few blocks, Lan Xi reached Rong City's most prosperous downtown area. Nightlife abounded on this street lined with upscale bars, still bustling this late at night with fancy cars and men and women toting designer bags coming and going.

Lan Xi could practically smell money in the air.

This was definitely the right place!

The truly wealthy kept a low profile. Lan Xi wanted to blend in with her simple clothes, but the men on the street took one look at her face and got that brief confused expression of someone whose brain has short-circuited. Then like flies, they started buzzing around her.

The Earthling Conquest Guide said business opportunities would never arise unprompted. Ways to make money had to be spotted with one's own keen eye. Things that approached you on their own were usually traps.

Eyeing the Earth men getting friendlier and more enthusiastic by the second, Lan Xi felt the guide was right about Earth's hazards.

Luckily, she had come prepared!

Ultimately, Lan Xi avoided the main entrance and crowded areas, taking a side route down emptier paths instead.

That was where she spotted her business opportunity -

A young Earthling male, whose hormones and pheromones indicated he was in peak reproductive condition.

He wore an expensive tailored black suit with spotless leather shoes, standing tall and proud, his features lofty and grave. He leaned casually against the vine-covered wall of the alley behind the bar, posture lazy yet elegant.

Few could pull off such nonchalant poise without looking sloppy, yet he exuded effortless sophistication.

Lan Xi watched as he took out a lighter and smoothly lit a cigarette. The flame transferred from the lighter to the smoldering crimson ember at his lips, casting an ephemeral, bewitching glow on his face in the darkness that made his features flicker mysteriously. His aloof, faintly jaded gaze held a hint of untamed wildness.

The night breeze carried the tobacco scent from his breath her way, along with his gaze.

He glanced at Lan Xi briefly, not warmly, with no particular expression - just maintaining that slightly arrogant detachment before looking away again.

No one else around!

And he hadn't approached her!

This was the money-making chance Lan Xi had been waiting for!

She hesitated no further, striding right up to him. As expected, when she drew near, his gaze returned with mild surprise, as if to leave.

Lan Xi gave him no chance to slip off, shoving him back against the wall as she recalled the alley scene from before. At this close range, she could even make out the faint tea-colored hues in his irises.

The young man frowned slightly, looking baffled and displeased. "Who are you? Do I know you?"

Here it was! The opportunity to get money had arrived!

Lan Xi's blood surged as she stared into his eyes and enunciated the Earth password to wealth loudly and clearly.

"I'm your dad!"

...

**

"Kids these days, no sense of propriety!"

"How could you curse at strangers' parents?!"

Five minutes after shouting out the password to wealth, Lan Xi had not only failed to earn her first bucket of Earth money, but got hauled off by the Earth police for a thorough half-hour scolding -

"Cursing him was one thing, but why'd you have to curse Xie Cheng too? Do you even know who Xie Cheng is? His family spends more on their legal team than it'd cost to buy out this whole street!"

"And Xie Cheng lost both parents in a car crash when he was little. Your words were like a stab to his vital organs! Where's your empathy?!"

...

Her first battle plan was a total failure.

After the humiliating police lecture, a crestfallen Lan Xi reflected on her mistakes and decided proper theoretical study was still essential.

She took out The Earthling Conquest Guide again and turned to Chapter 1: Making Money with Grace. Frowning, she began slogging through it diligently.

"Beginner's Guide: Sit in a posh tower with a broken bowl for a day, and you'll easily and gracefully earn enough for daily expenses."

The next morning, Lan Xi brought a chipped bowl she'd found to the plaza of Rong City's most prosperous Cheng'an Group tower and sat down, only to get driven off by security before she could even warm the seat -

"Don't beg at our company entrance! The boss already scolded us for lax security!"

"Since it's such modern times, even beggars use QR codes! Who still uses broken bowls?" Lan Xi self-encouraged, "It's okay, failure is the mother of success." She flipped open Guide to Conquering Earthlings and read carefully:

"Advanced: Find a luxury car, pretend to be hit and fall on the ground, and you can successfully and elegantly earn enough money to last three months."

She lingered at the entrance of the building she had just been evicted from, wondering where to find a luxury car, when a Rolls-Royce drove out from the underground parking garage of the building.

Earth really had endless gold mining opportunities!

However, before the ecstatic Lan Xi could fully lie down, a driver got out of the car:

"We have a dash cam installed! Get out of the way quickly, Chairman Xie is in a hurry. If you try this scam again we'll call the police!"

Lan Xi expressionlessly flipped back up and watched as the luxury car swaggered away. In the backseat, the face of Xie Cheng, the superior Earthling male she had met last night, flashed by as the car accelerated, without even glancing at her.

It was him again.

The security guard who had just scolded her had saluted the moment the Rolls-Royce passed by, yelling loudly:

"Bye Chairman Xie!"

...

After this attempt had also ended in failure, Lan Xi was somewhat gritting her teeth with determination. She flipped through the guide with a fluttering sound:

"Final Version: Find a rich Earthling, conquer him, marry him, and you can successfully and elegantly earn enough money to last your whole life."

Very good, she might as well go all out. Use the final version to end it once and for all!

Lan Xi already had the perfect target in mind - the goldmine she had uncovered, Xie Cheng!

No matter what, she would dig her first bucket of gold from him!

That night, she blocked Xie Cheng again in a small alley off the bar street.

She had studied more human social knowledge that day, and deeply realized the importance of sufficient communication.

Lan Xi cleared her throat and began her communication.

The guide said that on Earth, some soulful conversation was usually needed first to preface one's request:

"As the ancient saying goes, 'Sincerity can open metal and stone,' sincerity is the beacon guiding society's development; it is the cornerstone to success; it is a seed sown in the simple, innocent heart..."

According to the Guide to Conquering Earthlings, on Earth sincerity could overcome all difficulties, and wealth and success always accompanied sincere people.

Sincerity was the killer technique.

So this time, Lan Xi gave it 100% sincerity.

Xie Cheng pressed his lips together without speaking.

This greatly encouraged Lan Xi -

"So, I apologize for my recklessness last night. Those four words could easily be misunderstood, and were not enough to express my sincerity and heart. Today, I want to express my truest views more sincerely and frankly, hoping that my sincerity and honesty can move you, letting you understand me, and letting me walk towards success from now on."

Xie Cheng looked at her expressionlessly: "Are you volunteering for a job at Cheng'an or Chengxin?"

Lan Xi shook her head vigorously: "No."

"Then what do you want to say?"

Lan Xi smiled: "You're very rich."

She shyly wet her lips: "I really like your money."

"So?"

Lan Xi said sincerely: "I hope it becomes mine."

"So I've decided to marry you."

Lan Xi helpfully explained: "After marrying, you can transfer the money and property to me, then divorce me. I've studied it - this way you don't have to pay taxes."

"..."