The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 17

Lan Xi remembered Xie Cheng's teaching and did not sleep with him all night. Although she did not know what exactly was meant by "cannot do it", but "cannot" as a negative word must not be good. Additionally, multiple sources indicated that when a male "cannot do it", it would prevent males and females on Earth from sleeping together.

No wonder Xie Cheng refused this way!

Lan Xi studied passionately all night and deeply understood how miserable it was for a man who "cannot do it". The materials stated that on Earth, a man who "cannot do it" hurts his self-esteem greatly. It would cause low self-esteem for a male. More possibly it would lead to eccentric, irritable and moody personality.

For men who "cannot do it", the most important thing is to protect their fragile self-esteem. Never take initiative to bring this topic up. At all times, look for other strengths of this man and give him compliments and praises. Let the man feel adored again and rebuild his confidence.

"Of course, for some men, 'cannot do it' is just a temporary psychological problem, or maybe because they suffered a blow for the first time, causing stress about this matter. For those men with no physical problems, once they are in a fiery circumstance, giving them encouragements and guidance moderately, they totally have the hope of changing from 'cannot do it' to success!"

Fiery circumstance!

Again fiery circumstance!

Lan Xi somehow understood that this fiery circumstance seems an awesome good thing. She forgot to try it last night. What a pity. But luckily there was still chance to remedy this!

Once Lan Xi decided, she went to chop trees in the backyard, then started to chop firewood.

The stove that can burn firewood was right outside the room Xie Cheng slept. Lan Xi tried several times but the fire could not start because of the wind. Finally she closed all the doors and windows before successfully starting the fire.

This room was previously used as a warehouse so although the stove was built, it had always been abandoned without using. Therefore even the ventilation pipes were not fully constructed. After Lan Xi closed doors and windows, all the smoke was trapped indoors.

Even Lan Xi coughed a little because of the smoke.

She looked at the vague room filled with smoke and wondered, could this be the circumstance of "fiery"? Very blurry, so very attractive?

Anyway one could barely see anything clearly with all the heavy smoke. This atmosphere should be it, right?

Thinking this way, Lan Xi went towards Xie Cheng's room.

But the scene Lan Xi imagined where Xie Cheng invited her to sleep together vibrantly did not happen. On the contrary, Xie Cheng lay on the floor without moving at all.

It looked like he really could not make it...

Lan Xi was about to leave when she heard Xie Cheng's faint voice, "Lan Xi...are you here? Come over..."

Xie Cheng's coughing in the thick fog already sounded breathing heavily, "I cannot hold on any longer..."

In Lan Xi's mind, it was not "cannot hold on any longer". You just simply cannot make it!

But after some thoughts, Lan Xi still comforted sympathetically, "It's fine if you cannot make it. It won't necessarily always be like this in the future."

After intense coughs, came Xie Cheng's resentful voice with his last bit of strength, "I'm dying!"

??!!

Before Lan Xi could understand what was happening, she quickly found Xie Cheng and grabbed his hand.

Although Lan Xi did not have the experience of Earthling's birth, aging, sickness and death, she had watched many TV dramas and was very experienced with such scenes, able to handle them smoothly.

She said deeply, "So is there anything you want to say as the last words? Go ahead and I am listening. I will accompany you to go through the last moment of your life. Don't worry and this moment will not be lonely."

As she spoke, Lan Xi tried to close Xie Cheng's eyes as she learned from TV dramas.

Unfortunately Xie Cheng was not cooperative at all. Whenever Lan Xi tried hard to close his eyes, Xie Cheng struggled to open them again. Close, open. Close, open.

Thinking for a bit, Lan Xi suddenly understood thoroughly!

"You must have some injustice, so you do not want to close your eyes! Then speak it out and I will bring you justice!"

This time, under Lan Xi's anticipation, it looked as if Xie Cheng finally gathered the strength of fighting back death.

His voice was almost gritting teeth,

"I have not died yet!"

"Open the window for ventilation!"

"Which idiot burnt firewood in the abandoned stove?" Xie Cheng panted heavily, cursing fiercely, "Enclosed space without air circulation, incomplete combustion of firewood, I almost had carbon monoxide poisoning!"

"..."

**

Luckily Lan Xi brought Xie Cheng out of the room quickly. She opened windows, put off fire and Xie Cheng soon recovered, though still coughing due to smoke irritation.

From the villagers' words, Lan Xi finally realized if she had been a bit later to pull Xie Cheng out, he could have died from carbon monoxide poisoning indeed.

The carbon monoxide not fatal to Mu Yi Star people turned out to be so dangerous for Earthlings!

"Doesn't that make me your life savior?" Lan Xi flicked her hair with some surprise and asked carefully, "So according to norm, can I propose some compensation plans? Let me think..."

Xie Cheng glanced at Lan Xi expressionlessly, "No need to think anymore."

Could Xie Cheng already have something in mind to repay her favor?

Lan Xi felt a little embarrassed, "It's no big deal to save you casually. You don't have to sell out everything to repay me. Giving me one third of your property will do..."

"Is one third enough?"

Lan Xi was overjoyed. She reconsidered, "Or we can do half, or one tenth. One tenth divides pretty fairly too."

But instead of responding to her proposal, Xie Cheng shifted the topic oddly,

"I saw a news yesterday. Two men dug up their boss's ancestral grave, preparing to help their boss find his ancestor's remains when the boss discovers his ancestral grave was dug up. By owing them this favor, they aimed to get promotion and salary increase from the boss."

Xie Cheng glanced at Lan Xi, "I had always thought it was fake news. How could there be such people in this world? Isn't that abnormal thinking? But now it looks like it should be real."

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"Lan Xi, did you also get inspiration from that news?" Xie Cheng said expressionlessly, "First you burnt firewood in the stove, closed all doors and windows tightly until I almost died from poisoning. Then you popped up to complete the achievement of becoming my life savior. And finally you expected favor in return?"

"..."

Xie Cheng was astonished, "How could you still ask for compensation shamelessly?"

Lan Xi mumbled, "...I saw this saying 'only the daredevils win', so I just gave it a try...it's not illegal to just try..."

...

Xie Cheng felt a headache. Last night out of sympathy he had just called the HR department to suspend the recruitment process and decided to keep Lan Xi without getting someone else to replace her.

At least working for him, Lan Xi could have considerable income. And Xie Cheng could also consciously correct some of her inappropriate perspectives, to pay attention to her living environment, so that she would not fall back into the previous situation of selling her body to earn a living.

She looked short of money so let her take up assistant and bodyguard roles. Although her mind was not too normal, her nature did not look bad.

But looking at the shameless lively Lan Xi in front of his eyes now, Xie Cheng truly regretted.

This girl was truly toxic.

The toxicity was too strong.

It would probably take Xie Cheng much more effort than he imagined to reshape her values.

**

While Xie Cheng was thinking about Lan Xi, Lan Xi was also thinking about Xie Cheng in her mind.

They already had the fiery circumstance yet he still could not make it. He probably really could not do it after all.

During breakfast Lan Xi overheard Xie Cheng telling villagers that he would see the village doctor after the doctor came back. He probably also realized his own problem and wished to treat it!

Xie Cheng was so pitiful! He had been hiding the secret of impotence! She must protect the last dignity for him as a man!

Before finishing breakfast, Lan Xi could not refrain herself,

"I will definitely keep your secret and won't tell anyone, even not your oldest uncle!" Lan Xi bit her lips and said in a low voice, "You can rest assured!"

...

But sympathy did not work. Sympathy also could not realize her plan to sleep together.

Additionally, the Guidebook said if they could not sleep together, they could develop platonic spiritual romance instead...

Lan Xi closed the guidebook again and decided to draw up a new battle plan.

But just as she was about to go out, she was stopped again by the aunt she had met last night. The aunt whispered, "How did it go last night? Did you succeed?"

No success!

Lan Xi felt a little frustrated and admitted honestly, "I didn't sleep all night."

However, the aunt was stunned for a moment, then covered her mouth and laughed: "After all, you are full of youthful passion. It looks like the deer whip I gave you was effective."

"I heard that the bed collapsed. The whole village already knows about this. I didn't believe it at first, but now I do believe it. I secretly sneaked into your room just now to take a look. The bed really collapsed! You young people..."

She moved closer to Lan Xi: "He must be in a good mood after eating his fill last night. He will also be nicer to you. But you can't indulge a man too much. You have to let him go hungry every now and then, make him able to see the food but not eat it. That way, he won't be able to live without you. Understand?"

"Is being hungry once enough?"

Lan Xi's question made the aunt laugh again. She winked and said, "Of course the more you can starve him, the better. Just make sure he doesn't go stealing food when he's hungry."

"However, when starving him, you need a valid reason, a passable excuse. You can't just outright say you're not giving him food. Otherwise, it won't have the desired effect and might damage your relationship."

Lan Xi nodded repeatedly.

So it turns out the ultimate secret often comes in the simplest form.

It's just a matter of starving Xie Cheng a few times. That's easy to do!

And a perfect opportunity has just presented itself.

The village bridge still hasn't been repaired. The village doctor went to make a house call to a resident with limited mobility this morning and won't be back at the clinic until the afternoon. Xie Cheng can't see the doctor until the afternoon either.

He also has work to do this morning, inspecting and adjusting some agricultural meteorological data detection equipment in the fields, and surveying potential new monitoring points.

Many of the fields here were reclaimed from the mountains, and can only be accessed on foot. The long distance makes it difficult to go up and back in one trip. People usually can't make it back for lunch. Lan Xi has already heard Xie Cheng say he is packing a simple lunch to take with him.

What a great chance to starve him a meal!

Lan Xi was eager to get started, rubbing her hands together in anticipation.

...

And so, Lan Xi went up the mountain with Xie Cheng. Although Xie Cheng didn't look too happy, he reluctantly allowed Lan Xi to tag along.

Not long after they set off, she enthusiastically volunteered, "Boss Xie, let me carry the backpack!"

"No need."

"Oh come on, just give it to me." Lan Xi grabbed the backpack in one swift motion, grinning from ear to ear. "No boss should make the employee do all the work without lifting a finger."

Xie Cheng gave Lan Xi a look. "It's not heavy. Carry it if you want."

Just like that, Lan Xi got her wish and put on the backpack. Other than the lunch box and water bottle, there really wasn't anything else inside, so it truly wasn't heavy.

Soon Xie Cheng became engrossed in recording data from the meteorological monitoring stations along the way. Taking advantage while his attention was diverted, Lan Xi took out the lunch and hid it behind a rock, covering it with some grass. Then, she clawed a hole in the bottom of the backpack...

The aunt said not to let Xie Cheng eat lunch, but she can't forbid it outright. She needs to come up with an excuse to make it reasonable for him to go hungry.

**

Xie Cheng spent a full four hours recording data before he remembered to eat lunch. But when he asked Lan Xi for the lunch box, he heard--

"Oh no! Boss Xie! Big trouble!" Lan Xi let out a shocked cry, the panic in her voice slightly overacted. She held up the backpack to Xie Cheng. "There's a hole here! Our lunch fell out!"

The villain acts first to frame the victim!

Lan Xi quickly blamed the backpack: "The quality of this bag you bought is no good! How could it break so easily! We lost everything. Now we have nothing to eat!"

Sure enough, the excuse was very reasonable. Xie Cheng pressed his lips tightly together without another word, apparently accepting her explanation.

Lan Xi was quite pleased with herself. She would starve Xie Cheng for one meal. Then wouldn't he become inseparable from her?

But while Xie Cheng could go hungry, Lan Xi herself could not.

She pondered, thinking it would be a waste not to eat the hidden lunch. Right now Xie Cheng seemed to have, resigned to having no food, thrown himself back into his work. He was examining a meteorological monitoring station, looking focused and invested.

If she secretly slipped away for a private snack, he probably wouldn't notice, right?

Lan Xi tiptoed over to the rock hiding the lunch box, certain Xie Cheng wasn't paying attention to her at all. Finally at ease, she sat down, took out the lunch box, and prepared to start enjoying her meal.

But just as she had stuffed both cheeks full, Xie Cheng's gloomy voice sounded from behind her.

"So embezzlement is in fashion nowadays?"

Xie Cheng said expressionlessly, "Does my share of lunch taste good?"

The guidebook said that when caught red-handed, instead of reflecting on yourself, it's best to blame others. That is the key to victory.

Lan Xi's mind raced and she protested, "Boss Xie, I can't believe how distrustful you are! To actually stalk me!" She put on an aggrieved face. "Actually I was just testing you! I wanted to see if your first reaction would be to suspect me!"

"I already told you, I won't tell Uncle about those private matters between us! Why do you distrust me so much? The lunch is lost and your first reaction is that I did it. I feel very sad and disappointed."

Xie Cheng looked like he laughed from exasperation. "If the lost lunch wasn't your doing, then whose was it?"

"It wasn't me!" Lan Xi argued logically, "You saw the hole in the backpack yourself. The lunch really did fall out. I only came here to check if the food was still good before trying it!"

"Oh, so how did a perfectly fine backpack suddenly sprout a hole?"

"Firstly, it proves there was an issue with the backpack quality. And out here in the wilderness, maybe some small badger or fox smelled the food and jumped on the bag, secretly biting a hole to get to it!"

Lan Xi was quite pleased with herself. After all, there were no surveillance cameras here. Xie Cheng had no way of knowing she did it.

Sure enough, Xie Cheng nodded. "Makes sense."

He smiled at Lan Xi. "Very logical."

Lan Xi breathed a sigh of relief.

"If the hole wasn't precisely in the shape and size of a palm print that matches your hand, I would have believed you."

Xie Cheng held up the backpack with a palm-shaped hole in front of Lan Xi's face and shook it. "Remember that next time the hole definitely can't be shaped like a handprint. Got it?"

Lan Xi mentally berated herself. How could she overlook this issue!

All her efforts were futile!

The aunt said serious consequences would follow if you were caught starving the other party...

Xie Cheng was probably about to explode...

But unexpectedly, Xie Cheng did not get angry at all. He just looked a bit helpless and had a headache. The look in his eyes towards Lan Xi was extremely complex.

"Next time you try to pull something, make sure to remove all evidence related to yourself."

"If lunch isn't enough, you can tell me. I'll buy some for you. No need for this."

He glanced at Lan Xi with her puffed-out, food-filled cheeks, "From now on, you won't go hungry. If you're hungry, tell me. I'll give you money for food."

"If you're this hungry, you can have my share too." He looked at Lan Xi, seeming a bit helpless. "You look so slender, yet have such a big appetite and eat so much..."

Lan Xi didn't care about Xie Cheng's later murmurs. She only heard him say he was giving her his lunch!

Lan Xi couldn't help but light up. "Really?!"

"Really."

Xie Cheng nodded, an expression on his face like he couldn't bear to refuse. After all, he didn't want to trouble the villagers too much here. The lunch Xie Cheng had brought was very simple, yet even such plain, bordering on crude, fare made Lan Xi eat with great relish.

She must have suffered a lot in the past.

"Never eaten stuff like this before?"

"Nope!" Lan Xi nodded vigorously as she wolfed down the food, sincerely praising, "I've never eaten any of this stuff before. It's all so delicious!"

Mu Yi Star had already entered the mode of replenishing itself through nutritional supplements instead of eating. Lan Xi really had never eaten so many delicious things on Earth before. Everything was very fresh and smelled so good!

"Don't they even give you things like this to eat?"

"No, they don't."

Lan Xi also didn't know why, but when she said that, Xie Cheng's attitude became gentler, and he showed a kind of pity.

So that's why earlier, whenever she had the chance to eat something delicious, she would pathologically binge eat. It was similar to a little hamster stuffing its cheek pouches full of nuts in advance, storing up food first to withstand the cold hunger.

"I won't fire you. From now on you won't need to do anything you don't want to do ever again. No one can force you. You can also come to me when you want to eat. You don't need to worry that after eating this meal there won't be a next one. There's no need to binge." Xie Cheng stared into Lan Xi's eyes. "If there's anything you don't understand in the future, you can ask me."

After Xie Cheng said this, it seemed he still wasn't assured: "From now on, if any other man asks you out, you have to let me know the time and place in advance."

Lan Xi was stunned for a moment, then understood and laughed.

This must be the possessiveness mentioned in the Guidebook!

Sure enough, going hungry like this for one meal increased her and Xie Cheng's feelings to another level!

Look how much he loves her!

Auntie didn't lie to her!

Although they couldn't sleep together, Lan Xi firmly believed that with the current progress, eventually conquering Xie Cheng and getting him to marry her and give all his assets to her was just around the corner!

**

After speaking, Lan Xi brought Xie Cheng the lunch she had made. However, seeing her hungry gaze, Xie Cheng said he wasn't hungry in the end and let Lan Xi eat his portion too.

So Xie Cheng went hungry for a whole meal. After coming down the mountain, he took Lan Xi straight to the village clinic in the village where the village doctor lived.

In reality there was only one doctor in the village clinic, named Wang. The villagers affectionately called him Wang Divine Doctor. It was said Wang Divine Doctor was skilled in traditional Chinese medicine, and whenever any villager usually had a headache or fever, they only needed to find Wang Divine Doctor to take their pulse, and he could guarantee to prescribe medicine to cure their illness.

Xie Cheng had come to the village several times already, and every time he could hear villagers praising this village doctor to high heaven. But according to Xie Cheng's understanding, the villagers would only look for this village doctor for common simple everyday illnesses like colds, fever, diarrhea etc. If it was truly a serious problem, they would still go to the hospital in town.

Calling Wang village doctor a “divine doctor” was mostly because this doctor got along very well with the villagers. After all, Xie Cheng had even seen Wang Village Doctor gossiping passionately together with the villagers about how Zhang family's dog got Li family's dog pregnant... Regarding acquaintances, people naturally looked at him through rose-tinted glasses.

This time Xie Cheng hadn't originally wanted to come. After all, after looking at the blood oxygen monitoring on his sports watch, combined with his own physical condition, Xie Cheng believed he had no issues.

His reason for seeing this village doctor was purely because of Lan Xi.

Although this girl was the culprit behind the charcoal burning, her brain circuits were admittedly not normal. What’s more, she had stayed inside the sealed furnace room even longer than himself.

On the surface Lan Xi looked perfectly fine now, but carbon monoxide poisoning had delayed effects on the brain, so it couldn’t be taken lightly. Right now the bridge still wasn’t repaired, so there was no way they could go to hospitals in town or outside. They could only make do and see the village doctor first to take a look, check their pulses and so on. It was better to be safe than sorry regarding these kinds of things.

Wang Village Doctor looked rather refined and cultured. Xie Cheng walked in and greeted him, then pushed Lan Xi in front of him, “Dr. Wang, please help take a look if she has any issues.”

Dr. Wang nodded and gestured for Lan Xi to hold out her hand. He grasped her wrist and focused intently, at times frowning and other times looking pensive. After feeling her pulse, this village doctor stroked his beard and nodded with comprehension, “I understand your condition now.”

Xie Cheng had been waiting for the doctor’s diagnosis, but unexpectedly, after letting go of Lan Xi’s hand, this village doctor walked towards Xie Cheng instead, “This patient, let me check your pulse too.”

Xie Cheng was astonished, “I don’t need it right? I feel like I’m fine.”

The village doctor shook his head, “That won’t do. You two were together last night. For this kind of thing, it’s best to check both people’s pulses together to be safer.”

Xie Cheng thought about it. That made sense. Although he had inhaled less of the fumes, since they had come all this way, and this village doctor was being so diligent in his duties, letting him check as well didn’t hurt. Who knows, he might actually be a reclusive supreme master here.

Wang Village Doctor grasped Xie Cheng’s wrist for a very long time before letting it go. Then this village doctor pointed at Lan Xi, “She has no issues, only slightly taxed physical strength. She needs to replenish more nutrients and rest well.”

After speaking, he looked at Xie Cheng solemnly, “The one with the problem is you.”

Xie Cheng was astonished.

Wang Village Doctor profoundly said, “Your pulse is slightly slow and weak. Although on the surface you look very robust, your inner body is actually very uncomfortable and severely deficient...”

At this point Xie Cheng was genuinely surprised.

He was currently still maintaining his usual calm and unruffled composure on the surface. With height and long legs, along with diligently working out, he naturally looked the picture of health without any visible issues. But...after making two round trips hiking up and down the mountain, and Xie Cheng running around the fields recording data, then persisting in giving his lunch to Lan Xi...he was actually already hungry enough that his chest was sticking to his back. He was barely keeping up appearances because of his upbringing.

For this village doctor to be able to discern so much just from feeling his pulse, it made Xie Cheng look at him with new eyes.

“Young man, this problem of yours is extremely major. The after-effects from that night still remain until now, I’m afraid it will impact your future life.”

At this point Xie Cheng became genuinely serious.

So Lan Xi was fine, but he was the one affected by carbon monoxide poisoning instead?

“What exactly is my specific condition?”

Wang Village Doctor stroked his beard again and solemnly said, “Your pulse shows deficient, weak heart and kidney, both vitally damaged. Over-strain of essence.”

“Vitally damaged heart and kidney?” Just from inhaling carbon monoxide, it would cause damage to his heart and kidneys?

Xie Cheng knitted his brows, “‘Over-strain of essence’ sounds kind of...”

The village doctor glanced at him, interrupting with an expression of sincere advice, “That’s right, it’s exactly what you’re thinking. To put it simply, your kidneys are already severely deficient!”

Under Xie Cheng’s shocked gaze, Wang Village Doctor patted his shoulder and lowered his voice a bit, “Your pulse is the archetype of over-indulgence, young man.”

“...”

“I’ll prescribe you a course of medicine. Take it home and decoct it for a treatment course. It can nourish the kidneys. The price is a bit high but I guarantee it’ll cure you. You’ll be full of vigor at night too. But during the medicine course you’ll still need to restrain your sex life, reduce frequency and duration. If you don’t listen to my advice and let your condition worsen, in the future you’ll only be able to completely abstain for a period of time to nourish your kidneys! Then you’ll need three whole treatment courses to heal!”

Xie Cheng didn’t speak, just pressed his lips together and looked at Wang Village Doctor coldly.

Because she had nothing to do, Lan Xi was already wandering around sniffing the medicinal ingredients over there.

Wang Village Doctor followed Xie Cheng’s line of sight and looked over, smiling knowingly, “Don’t worry, she definitely has no issues. As the saying goes, only the ox that gets driven to exhaustion dies, the field that gets plowed has no complaints... Young people nowadays!”

Xie Cheng expressionlessly nodded, “Dr. Wang makes a lot of sense. What other deficiencies do I have that need replenishing together?”

Wang Village Doctor was stunned, then categorically said, “Your waist! You also need to pay attention to your waist! Because you overly indulge, it will also lead to insufficient rest for the nerves and joints of your lower back and pelvis. Ceaseless day and night battling will accumulate over time, causing strained waist muscles leading to back pain. Collapsed beds during lovemaking are especially damaging to the kidneys and waist!”

“I have an analgesic cream for back pain that I invented myself here. You can buy some to prevent problems before they happen. Since you rarely come to the village, you can bring back more too, to recommend to relatives and friends after you recover.”

Xie Cheng couldn’t help laughing, “So just feeling the pulse allows you to know so much detailed information, huh.”

“Of course, of course!”

“Then you deduced from the pulse that the bed collapsed when I was in a room with her at night too?”

“...” Wang Village Doctor was a bit tongue-tied. “That is...”

“Dr. Wang, gossiping will only harm you.”

Xie Cheng rubbed between his eyebrows and pointed at Lan Xi, “The bed did collapse, but between me and her, nothing happened. Do you understand?” He said coldly.

Wang Village Doctor thought briefly, “I understand!”

His expression became even more serious, and his voice grew lower: "Young man, your problem is even more serious than overindulging in lust! Is this a case of your essence being overtaxed, impotence, or failure to sustain an erection even after the bed collapsed and you still haven't finished...? I'll prescribe you the right medicine and guarantee that your illness will be cured."

"..."

Xie Cheng was so angry that he couldn't get any words out. His kidneys were fine, but his liver was probably about to explode from rage.