The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 23

Xie Cheng had never seen anyone as presumptuous as Lan Xi. He took out his phone and coldly replied with a few words:

“Don’t have time. Can’t come.”

The sympathy he felt for Lan Xi should not mean she loses all sense of boundaries with him. Xie Cheng felt he had done nothing wrong—he did not want to give Lan Xi any unrealistic expectations.

Yet soon after he sent his reply, Lan Xi called him.

"You responded, so you must not be in a meeting, right?"

Xie Cheng pursed his lips. "No meeting, but I'm not your driver and can't be on standby for you twenty-four hours a day...”

A strong gust seemed to dissipate Lan Xi’s voice on the other end, making her usually crisp and clear tone sound weak: "Where are you?"

"I'm at a camping ground."

Xie Cheng couldn't help but raise his voice. "Why did you go there?"

"I came camping with someone else, but they drove off in their car. Everyone else is busy and I can't get a taxi." Lan Xi paused before adding, "There's no one else here now and it looks like it's about to rain."

Glancing out his window at the darkening sky, Xie Cheng rubbed his brow. “Send me your location.”

As if puzzled, Lan Xi responded from the other end: “Why?”

Xie Cheng was exasperated. She was trying to take advantage of him: “Why do you think?! So I can come get you.”

“Then you have to come in the Rolls Royce!”

Amused, Xie Cheng retorted: “It would be good enough if I came at all. And you expect the Rolls Royce? Choosy and materialistic—people shouldn't be spoiled. And they certainly shouldn't judge others by their wealth and look down on those less fortunate, while expecting to ride in a Rolls Royce themselves wherever they go.”

Instantly, Lan Xi's voice took on a pitiable tone. "Oh, alright..."

Xie Cheng took a deep breath and flatly said: “It’s not that I won’t let you take a ride, but the Rolls Royce driver has a family matter to tend to and has gone home already.”

"Then you..."

"I'm not used to driving the Rolls. I wouldn't handle it well."

...

Hearing this news, Lan Xi felt a twinge of disappointment. But the fact that Xie Cheng was willing to come get her meant a lot. She was about to thank him when Xie Cheng cleared his throat and added:

“But I will try. With my driving skills and ability to learn quickly, driving it shouldn’t pose too much difficulty.”

“And remember to bring some peeled oranges! I'm starving! I want to eat oranges!"

This demand was firmly rejected by Xie Cheng: “Today I'm only the driver, not your nanny."

Oh alright, unpeeled it is. As long as she could ride in the Rolls Royce!

...

As Lan Xi eagerly awaited his arrival, Xie Cheng finally showed up in his Rolls half an hour later, his expression less than cheerful.

Not only had he brought the Rolls Royce, he had also peeled oranges for her.

Sure enough, as soon as Lan Xi opened the car door and climbed inside, Xie Cheng handed her the oranges and immediately began interrogating her.

"Who did you come camping with? Why did they just abandon you here?"

Lan Xi had no choice but to briefly explain from the beginning how she met Wei Yijun through Wan Yan, and how Wei Yijun eventually ditched her and left.

In summary she said, "I took your advice to communicate more with others. Wan Yan is trustworthy. Our original plan was for the three of us to come out here together. I didn't intend to be alone with a male stranger.”

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Xie Cheng listened with a frown, then looked up and asked, "With Wan Yan not here, seeing how you look, just the two of you, a man and woman alone at a remote campground with a tent, he was still willing to leave? He just abandoned you here and left?"

Recalling the matter, Lan Xi felt quite aggrieved. "Not only did he leave, he also scolded me for being sick."

Xie Cheng had seemed very distrustful of Lan Xi’s account, yet surprisingly, with this one line from her, he fell silent. He looked at Lan Xi meaningfully and sympathetically, no longer pressing her with further questions. It seemed he believed her.

Since Xie Cheng was convinced, Lan Xi felt no need to mention the man trying to undress her.

In short, Wei Yijun was obviously a bad person—no further explanation from Lan Xi was necessary.

Indeed, Xie Cheng thought the same:

"Men like him are trash."

After a moment of silence, Xie Cheng spoke again. He looked at Lan Xi, his tone certain and reassuring:

"You're not sick.”

“But I really am a bit of a hassle,” Lan Xi admitted uncharacteristically. “You’re so busy, yet I called you out here to pick me up.”

"Can't be helped."

Though he had arrived annoyed, Xie Cheng's displeasure had now completely vanished.

"You can call me when you need to. After all, reliable people are hard to find in this world," he said matter-of-factly. After a pause he added casually, "So don't feel too bad. You're normal, there's nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is that man who harbored ill intentions yet lacked the manners of a gentleman. He abandoned you here just because he felt ashamed when he discovered your autism spectrum disorder."

Xie Cheng had felt irritated at having to drive all the way out to this remote suburb. But after hearing Lan Xi’s account, his irritation had completely dissipated.

Lan Xi was truly pitiable.

As a vulnerable group, who knew how much difficulty and setback she would encounter trying to integrate into normal social interactions. For ordinary people like himself, this was hard to imagine.

With just a few words, Lan Xi hadn't fully explained the whole story, yet Xie Cheng understood everything.

Most likely Lan Xi's looks had attracted Wan Yan’s friend, and he brought her out here harboring indecent thoughts about being alone with her. But upon interacting with her, he discovered her autism spectrum disorder, scolded her for being sick, and fled in anger and shame, abandoning her here alone.

Lan Xi was completely the victim.

The frustration Xie Cheng had felt on the drive over had vanished into thin air. What was the point in blaming such an unfortunate, pitiable soul like Lan Xi? Other than himself, she sadly had few reliable, kind-hearted people in her life.

"Did you have any other plans for today besides camping?"

At the mention of this, Lan Xi became regretful. "There was supposed to be an outdoor movie, but I was so busy calling people to come get me that I missed it. We were also going to hike up to watch the sunset, and there's an amusement park with lots of fun attractions I didn't get to try...now everything is closed for the night..."

Xie Cheng checked the time. "Let's go."

"Hm?"

"I'll take you to see the sunset." Without looking back, Xie Cheng walked on ahead, his voice drifting back on the wind to Lan Xi’s ears. "We won't make the outdoor movie today, but next time I’ll take you. If we hurry we can still catch the sunset before it rains.”

Lan Xi instantly perked up. "You're really taking me to see the sunset?"

"Mm-hmm."

"What about the amusement park? Can we go play at the amusement park? Those rides look really fun,” Lan Xi went on excitedly. “The ones where people sit in cars that spin and swing through the air, and everyone is laughing and screaming. And the merry-go-round with horses...they look like fun...”

Xie Cheng froze for a moment, seeming to carefully choose his words. After a while he looked at Lan Xi and gently asked, "Are you talking about roller coasters, pirate ships, and carousels?"

Lan Xi had an epiphany. "Yes yes exactly! Those are the names! They just slipped my mind!"

Yet for some reason, under his increasingly complex gaze, she felt compelled to ask: "Haven't you ever been to an amusement park?"

Warning bells went off in Lan Xi’s mind. Was it not normal on Earth to have never gone to an amusement park?

Doing her best to appear nonchalant, she quickly responded: "Of course I've gone! It’s just been so long I forgot some things!"

Little did she know that her flustered insistence would do little to convince him. To Xie Cheng it seemed more a case of bravado—likely no one had ever been willing to take her.

“I’ll take you to an amusement park next time.”

This time Lan Xi made no pretense. Eyes shining, she exclaimed, “Really?” Remembering herself, she gave a small cough. “I mean, it has been a really long time since I last went. I have kind of wanted to go again.”

Xie Cheng gave her a look but said no more, turning and continuing up the mountain path.

With high spirits, Lan Xi hurried to catch up with Xie Cheng. Together they made their way up the mountain.

Climbing the mountain, Lan Xi looked at the scenery that didn't seem high but was still quite tiring to climb. However, upon reaching the summit and seeing the landscape ahead, she felt it was all worthwhile.

Overlooking the lakes and mountains below, raising her head Lan Xi could see the swirling mist and returning birds, while the sky's edge held a setting red sun.

It was a scene completely different from Mu Yi Star.

Gazing at Earth's rivers and mountains from this vantage point for the first time, Lan Xi suddenly felt that Earth was beautiful.

And Earth people...

Were not bad either.

Lan Xi's gaze moved from the sunset to Xie Cheng standing beside her. He had just taken a quick work call and now stood with his back to Lan Xi, speaking softly on the phone. The glow of the setting sun shone unrestrainedly on him, seeming to coat him in a layer of warm sugar frosting. In the sunset glow, Lan Xi could see Xie Cheng's unruly tufts of hair that stuck out slightly, fluttering lightly in the mountain breeze, remarkably similar to her beloved Earth fruit, kiwifruit.

It was then that Xie Cheng finally ended his call and turned to face Lan Xi's direction.

Lan Xi's gaze collided unexpectedly with his.

Xie Cheng was the first to look away. He kicked a pebble on the ground. "Weren't you here to watch the sunset? Why are you looking at me?"

Lan Xi beckoned him over. "I want you to watch with me." She patted the empty side of the rock she was sitting on. "Come sit here."

On Mu Yi Star, being able to sit with royalty was the highest honor. As a princess, Lan Xi's actions could be called the pinnacle of courtesy.

However, she didn't understand that in Xie Cheng's eyes, her behavior had a completely different interpretation—

Lan Xi relies on me too much!

Even just watching a sunset she wants me to accompany her, how can this continue in the future?

I'm just a passerby in her life. She still needs to learn to walk her own path ahead.

I'll let it go today since she was just insulted and abandoned. But in a few days I should still find an opportunity to tactfully bring it up.

Xie Cheng was already thinking about how to phrase things when he would talk to Lan Xi about this. But his thoughts were interrupted by Lan Xi's voice—

"Xie Cheng."

Lan Xi looked at Xie Cheng with that extremely deceptive, charming face. Her round eyes were innocent yet moist, encompassing bewitching allure and innocent purity all at once.

Then, in a very sincere tone, she praised—

"You're so good."

"I really like you."

...

Lan Xi was telling the truth. She did admire Xie Cheng greatly and she liked him a lot. She had already decided that after completely conquering Earth, she would keep Xie Cheng on as Earth's acting administrator to become her capable subordinate.

Over the past few days Lan Xi had read many Earth books on management. She knew that for a leader to make subordinates convinced and devoted, besides being exceptionally capable and providing ample benefits, there was also the matter of moving their hearts and connecting with them emotionally—expressing sincere recognition directly and unambiguously showing appreciation.

This was exactly what Lan Xi was doing.

However, the management books also said that leaders must not only make empty promises and verbal praises to subordinates. Concrete actions must be taken as well to demonstrate things.

Actions to express affection...

Xie Cheng didn't like that kind of comforting at night. He said before that kisses and hugs were also ways of showing affection. So that must be the method he prefers!

Considering she had already firmly conquered Xie Cheng, and their relationship was clearly no longer ordinary, plus such kissing and hugging seemed quite common in Earth's conquest relationships—Lan Xi had even seen embracing and kissing couples on the big streets—she contemplated and felt kissing and hugging was appropriate without risking problems.

That settled it then! She would respect Xie Cheng and act according to what he liked!

No sooner said than done, Lan Xi resolutely grabbed Xie Cheng's hand and pulled his whole person towards her. Then she forcefully made him face her and, under his astonished gaze, leaned in decisively to kiss his lips.

After Lan Xi kissed him, she immediately sensed Xie Cheng's change—his whole body stiffened and his eyes were wide open...

Weren't those kissing couples on the streets enjoying it?

Was her method of kissing incorrect? Or...

Lan Xi carefully recalled before realizing her mistake.

It seemed when others kissed, they didn't just briefly touch. There needed to be deeper entry, even gnawing while embracing and using tongues!

She pondered then decided to follow suit, pressing Xie Cheng's shoulders to stop his resistance. Recalling how other couples kissed in embrace, she started to kiss Xie Cheng.

But this time, not only did Xie Cheng not show rapture, he became even more taut. It was as if he had just escaped from death as he sprang up and looked at Lan Xi in sheer disbelief. He subconsciously retreated several steps back.

Lan Xi watched as he panted slightly, warning her, "Don't come over."

?

Things weren't supposed to develop this way. Shouldn't people be kissing and embracing tighter the more they did it?

"Did I do something wrong?" Lan Xi felt a little embarrassed. "Then come over and we can try again. More practice will make it better."

"No need for more practice." Xie Cheng's face held a lingering horrified expression as he glared severely at Lan Xi. "Just what are you doing again?"

Lan Xi was totally bemused. "Kissing you."

"What kind of new trick is this? Your new way of comforting me?"

"It's not comforting this time but expressing affection," Lan Xi helpfully explained. "Didn't you say this is how affection can be expressed?"

Xie Cheng bit his lips, looking extremely emotionally charged. "You..."

This wasn't wrong either. After all, Lan Xi had read in the Earthling Conquest Guide before that when kissed, Earth people often experienced emotional upheavals like accelerated heart rate and hurried breathing, representing their excitement and elation.

For a noble and elegant princess like herself to bestow a kiss, the fact that Xie Cheng didn't immediately become overjoyed to ascension and only panted roughly showed his steadfast heart. It demonstrated outstanding moldable talent that could achieve great things in the future.

"Expressing affection? So are you saying that as long as you want to express affection, you're prepared to kiss anyone like this?!" Unfortunately, Xie Cheng seemed to explode with anger at her words this time. "Have you kissed this many people before?"

"No!" Lan Xi felt quite aggrieved. As a princess, she wasn't someone who would kiss just anybody. Besides, such methods weren't even popular on Mu Yi Star.

However, she could understand Xie Cheng's feelings to some degree. After all, there were also often incidents of ministers competing for favor in the Mu Yi Star court. As an Earth person valued by herself, Xie Cheng clearly still wanted even more exclusive status.

But jealousy of the worthy and able was unacceptable.

"Right now, I've only kissed you," Lan Xi cleared her throat, feeling she should make an appropriate reminder to avoid management difficulties arising in the future. "But considering my status, it's unlikely I would only ever kiss you in the future, right? You should prepare mentally."

Yet as soon as she said this, Xie Cheng looked about to erupt.

He stared at Lan Xi in disbelief. "You're already adding liability disclaimers? Besides, what about your status? Didn't we agree you wouldn't do things like before? Why would you still need to kiss many people?"

Xie Cheng didn't give Lan Xi a chance to retort, directly laying down the law in a tone that brooked no dissent: "No more randomly kissing others in the future."

He cast an unfriendly look Lan Xi's way. "No more randomly kissing me either."

"I'll let it slide this time and not hold it against you, but don't let there be a next time." Xie Cheng pondered briefly before adding in an unnatural tone, "But let's pretend this never happened."

"It never happened that I kissed you," Xie Cheng seemed to be summarizing. "My first kiss is still intact."

"But absolutely don't do something like this again in the future. Verbally expressing affection is fine I guess, but no touchy-feely business, got it?"

Lan Xi didn't quite understand the logic here, but she obediently nodded. After all, Xie Cheng could be considered an exceptionally reliable Earth person. Occasional petulance and tantrums could be understood. From his slightly flushed cheeks and rapid heartbeat, her words of admiration and affection were at least accepted!

One of the tenets of management was that for some attitudes, making your point then stopping when it takes effect was best!

It looked like for actions, Xie Cheng prefers verbal praises and honeyed words expressing admiration!

Lan Xi hurriedly made a mental note and decided that on the ride back, she would put it into practice, not only to further strengthen the conquering relationship, but also to carefully win over Xie Cheng's heart from the inside out!